Well, I said I'd post this up yesterday, but it's been alot harder than I thought to turn the way I talk into something that's halfway effective to read on a computer screen. I gave it my best shot, and some things worked out well, while some did not... I included as much as I could fit in a journal, though. Some of you might be offended by it... but truthfully, tell someone else if you think I'm an asshole.

I feel myself getting older, and I’m at the point in my life that things don’t go as well as they used to… keg stands, acid trips, running for buses… you know, it’s always the crazy shit that goes first.
I’m living in my first house right now and you have all these things you don’t think about, like… on my remote, I can’t control the tv volume, so if I’m watching tv from 9 at night on a Friday until 1 am, my landlord puts his kids to bed sometime… and around 10:30, I start thinking my tv is too loud, so instead of getting up and lowering it, I flip around until I find a quiet show and watch that until the fake porn movie comes on City
What I like about CityTv is that they’ve got Mark Dailey who does the voice over… now you know Mark Dailey; CityTv… Everywhere… yeah, that’s his voice, now he has a great voice for the disclaimer for an action movie: Viewer discretion is advised as some scenes contain violence and lots of shit blowing up, but when he does the disclaimer for the dirty shows, though, he just sounds different: This program contains Nudity, Sexuality (On a side note, nudity without sexuality is kind of boring, if you’ve seen Naked News, you know what I mean)… and adult situations… you filthy pig. Now Showcase does it right, I have no idea what her name is, but she’s got the real sex kitten voice; :This program contains nudity, sexuality.. and ummm oh yeah, touch me right there†I mean, that gets you in the mood before the movie even starts.
- Speaking of one of my favourite subjects… porn, that is, for you not paying attention, never NEVER watch porn with your girlfriend… well, you can, but only if two people are involved… guy-girl is ok, girl-girl is better… but let’s face it, add one more person and things get complicated… if you watch 2 girls one guy, she’s already mad at you because she thinks you’re thinking about which one of her friends would be best to bring in on it (and she’s right to be thinking about that, you suave dog, you)… if it’s two guys one girl, you look over and watch her… and think she’s a whore if she even shows any hint of interest at all… that’s the truth though, isn’t, eh.. you think your girlfriend is a slut for thinking about two guys at once… yet because you’re thinking about her and a sibling to be named later, you’re a stud.
- So, I don’t have a lot to do most days, so I read Cosmo… and every month they seem to have all these new things about how to please a man… the magazine is older than I am, how can they not have printed new things every month? I mean, I like to think I’m a sophisticated guy, I read books, like some classical music, but yet, the things a woman can do to please me… 1. cook, now I can cook a bit for myself, but once I tried to make tuna on toast and wound up in the burn unit with mayo in my hair and bread crusts up my nose… of course, I’m better now, but I’m a man, and therefore LAZY… I’m not opening more than one can for my dinner. 2. I think the most obvious one here… clean… now again, I’m no slob, but I clean for my girlfriend before she comes over, and when she comes by, she gets mad… ‘what, you thought I wanted to slum with you?’ There are just things I don’t see that she does… It’s not like I have dust bunnies the size of actual rabbits here, I mean a stain of milk on a glass… that’s in the goddamn sink! Oh right, the last thing is fuck me until I can’t walk… so that’s it folks, 3 things… ladies if that magazine is telling you to do something fancy you don’t really want to do to please him, forget learning how to perfect the Korean Spine Cruncher… but a sandwich might be nice instead.
- Just to get quickly back to porn, you can’t watch anything good with your significant other… really, you just can’t do it. Now, of course when I say good, I mean anything you haven’t seen at least a couple of dozen times… if you’re watching porn… no matter if the guy or girl introduces it into the relationship… it has to be old, the kind where you know exactly what’s coming… you know, I think I’ll ignore the obvious joke there, but my point is that at some point, one of you is going to look over and say the four words that kill EVERYTHING; What Are You Thinking? And I’ll tell you, you have to be ready for that question, yes, you too, ladies. You’ve got to have answers prepared beforehand, otherwise you end up giving an answer just a bit close to the truth and when I say both of you, I do mean you ladies, because you might slip up and say “God, I wish your tongue did that†.. actually, that answer might apply to both sexes on that one, Now, listen closely, and I’ll let you in on a secret about how to make your own porno movie. Watch one with your lover and wait for that question, pretend to really be thinking and look closely at the screen, then back with a sexy look in your eyes and answer “I’m thinking we could do a lot better.. and hey, guess what, I just happen to have the charged camcorder batteries here, what do you say we give it a try, honey†..and well, if that doesn’t work, just touch yourself and call it a day.