The tiny, musclebound gnomes in my head go to work to bring you ideas companies will surely steal for their ingenuity.

Pantene Introduces its New Pro-V Bloodmoon(R) Collection...


Endorsed by Gorgoroth!

The Festering Age saw the rise and fall of Marakesh, the Howling God of Pain, and his blight cast a deep shadow that split the land into deep tracts. In these tracts, magical pools gathered and receded; some eventually turned solid and became known as shards of power for their infused properties. Legend says that when the shards are reunited, Marakesh himself will return to the land and scoop all living things into his gaping maw, chewing for all eternity as he courses the eons. Some even say that time will come soon.

...Here at Pantene's Research Department, we are proud to announce a new line of hair care and exfoliation products for the discerning psychotic hardcore black metal enthusiast. Using the power of the shards and deftly avoiding any kind of messy eternal torture and/or mastication, we are confident our products will stand the test of time, even in the salivating grasp of an unholy, towering creature.

The Bloodmoon(R) collection is specially designed to maintain both your hygiene and your indignity. Want to show the world you don't shower? Our special Wolfsbane formula caresses your hair, de-tangles, and then re-tangles and flattens to make it look like you've spent the past three days tunneling through the ass of a dead whale. Now you'll be as scruffy as your friends with half the effort!

And while your blackened tears may wash away in the unforgiving sting of a high-pressure shower, our performance conditioner and sun-damage treatment won't back down. Vampire or werewolf, we've got you covered with our extensive array of products.

Says Infernus of Gorgoroth: "When I'm fellating Satan in the darkest corners of the earth, I don't have time to run my hair through the feed trough at the local zoo. That's why I use Pantene's patented Bloodmoon(R) solution to give my hair the quick pick-up-then-turn-down-and-stinkify look it needs."

Yes, Infernus. We hope you'll all agree that when fellating Satan you should look your best. So whichever unholy deity comes to claim us first as we suck the blood of orphans, Pantene's patented Bloodmoon(R) line of haircare and exfoliation products will have you ready for the inevitable, screaming doom.

Pantene - loving you with our hardened souls since 2001. And then you went mainstream, you backstabbing son of a succulent whore.

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