I've officially decided to become a righty. That's right... one of those insolent fuckwads that rules the world by majority - brute strength over brains. Fuckers.

Here's my dilemma: In college, I landed forcefully enough on my right hand (because i valued it so little ... fuckers) that i snapped my scaphoid bone in half. At the time, my friends were all convinced it was a sprain. When i went to see my doctor, he didn't bother with an xray, just said "Yeah, it's just a sprain."

A few months (almost six) later, when i still had a popping sound and intermittent pain coming from my accursed right hand, I got a second opinion. Said opinion was from an orthopedic surgeon who told me that after six months of being ignored, the respective parts of the BREAK in my hand had rubbed against each other so much (possibly because i was rowing CREW the whole time!) that they were flat, and unlikely to ever set without serious help.

Help meant a pin. A pin, and marrow from my radial.

I healed quickly enough, but the problem was simply this: I'm a Lefty. I despise everything right-handed for their one-size-fits-all(right hands) approach to almost everything available on the consumer market from scissors to plumbing.

Anyways - the point is that because i never use my right hand, it has never gotten its strength back, and it has most definitely never regained its flexibility.

I think that the only reasonable conclusion i can draw is that if i become one of you right-handed-world-dominating-fucktard types, i can finally heal my hand and keep it from being easily re-injured.

Momma, i'm comin home.

PS: The editors of this journal would like to apologize for the negative references to those who are "left-hand-aptitudinally-challenged." The writers of the piece have been sacked.

PPS: The censors of this journal would like to apologize for the comments of the editors. They are simply left-handed and don't know better. They have, of course, been sacked.

PPPS: The CEO of this journal would like to comment that anyone who opposes his (aka the writer's) point of view has been put in a sac and beaten with a large plaster mock-up of a left hand. Due to heavy growth in the random beatings sector, we hope to have a large, logistically-sound network of right-hander beating centers around the globe (within 10 minutes of every home!!) by the year 2015, wherein the CEO will surely be exempt from beatings as he will have returned to his native state of bliss. (aka left-handedness. ... yes it's a word)