Now Playing - The Hockey Song by Stompin' Tom Connors

I've seen this done before, and I wanted to try my hand at it. Using one of the best movies to come along in a while, Super Troopers, I've prepared a primer to get all of you folks ready for the new nhl season starting on wednesday night.
The schnozberries taste like schnozberries To the Washington Capitals... what you see is what you get, and aside from the duo of Alex Ovechkin and Jeff Friesen, and the steady goalending of Olaf Kolzig, there's isn't much to get from this team.
I'm gonna need that 130 bucks... when you get a chance from the NHL to the NHL fans. With linkage being the new keyword to define payrolls, the league is going to need strong ticket sales in addition to good tv and licensing deals if the cap is going to even remain the same as it is this year. If there's a season to see a game, this is it.
I am all that is man To Mario Lemieux; You've got proven players on your team now, and you can trade on of them for goalie if you need it. You have a player who should remind you of you, back when you were the savior of the Penguins franchise. Go out there and win and get a new arena in Pittsburgh.
Grow a goddamn moustache, won't ya? To The Kids. Crosby, Richards, Carter, Steen, Ovechkin and the rest of the guys younger than me in the league's double-cohort rookie class this year. It'll be very interesting to see what some benches look like come the second round of the playoffs.
Alright, meow, where were we? To those southern cats, the Florida Panthers. Adding Roberts and Nieuwendyk will really help with the maturation of guys like Jay Bouwmeester and Stephen Weiss, who haven't had anyone on the team in recent years to show them how to play the game. Wonder how many guys will take up Roberts' fitness plan.
"Sorry about the de-lousing" "That was powdered sugar" To the Calragy Flames, to whom life in hockey is very sweet indeed. Adding Tony Amonte and Daymond Langkow to a lineup that was already good enough to be within one goal of winning at all, and have the Next Big Hitter on the blueline in Dion Phaneuf, they're my pick to win it all this season.
Oh, he's bulgy like a moose To Kieth Tkachuk, who was suspended from the St. Louis Blues for enjoying the season off a little too much and failed his physical. Hopefully for the mediocre-looking Blues, Tkachuk can put up as many goals as he has pounds to lose.
And that was the second time I had crabs To the Injury-ridden Los Angeles Kings. For the past two seasons before the lockout, the Kings had everything to contend in the West. Unfortunately, they didn't have all the pieces healthy for even a quarter of their games.
It is time to stop now, Mac To Philly Flyers GM Bob Clarke. Hey Bob, we get it, you've managed to scoop in and grab some of the best (Forsberg, Jeff Carter, and Chris Therien) and one of the most obsolete (Derian Hatcher) players avaible when the free-agent frenzy came. If this team doesn't win and win early, Clarke's head may be very quick to roll.
Look kid, on any other day, I'd step in there and show you how to swing To the Montreal Canadiens. With 6 rookies on the starting roster, now is the time for Saku Koivu to be as much of a captain off the ice as he is on it. Koivu will need Sheldon Souray's help to keep the rookies inline and on the edge.
I'll believe that when my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert To me, because my pick to finish second in the Western Conference? Nashville. Behind the all-star goaltending of Tomas Vokoun, and with Steve Sullivan and Paul Kariya on board (exactly the kind of players supposed to succeed in the new NHL), the Predators could be the sleeper team this year. Add in Yanic Perreault and you have a team that can score, play solidly and has one of the most underrated defense cops in the league.
Embarassed like back in '77 when you got caught fucking your cousin To Daniel Alfredsson. He's made public predictions before that his team can win the cup, and with Dom Hasek healthy, that is indeed a possibility, but if he opens his mouth only to watch his team fall short, maybe he might learn to keep it closed.
Tag 'em and bag 'em To the Toronto Maple Leafs. Their yearly reclamation projects are now about as high profile risk/reward as they come. If either Jason Allison or Eric Lindros flop, no big deal, but if both succumb to injuries or rust, the Leafs chances at making the playoffs, already a 50/50 shot fall dramatically. Hopefully Mariusz Czerkawski and Jeff O'Neill can make people forget how tenuous Allison and Lindros' health really is.
"How're you feling there, Mac?" "Good enough to fuck your mother!" To the Tampa Bay Lightning. Still my pick to come out ahead in the Eas, it must be good for the Bolts to not to have to worry about the championship hangover. Granted, Khabibulin is gone, but with their skill on every forward line, all any Lightning goalie has to do this year is simply not screw up too badly.
And in my day, we used blanks To the Carolina Hurricanes... even with Cory Stillman, this team sorely needs offense and fast.

Well, that's about it for me, hope you enjoyed it.