If you're like me (and who isn't?), you're stuck at home this year waiting around from 3pm-8pm for trick-or-treaters to show up and demand tribute. This means you have to be within eight feet of your front door at all times to avoid having your house egged. It also means you can't do anything which will require more than 90 second stretches of time. This can set you up for five very long boring hours unless you're prepared. So I've compiled this list of things to do tonight which I will share with you because I'm nice that way.

1. Look at Facebook on your phone and enjoy the photos of all your friends dressed up at parties. F*%rs.

2. Put away your phone.

3. Organize your wallet. Organize your dollar bills by date of issue!

4. Dance insanely while shouting, "I dance to your glory, O Satan!". If you do this with the door open, you will have more treats for yourself at the end of the night.

5. Flip through your Norwegian language phrasebook. "To glass øl, takk!"

6. Look for your keys. They're usually by the front door.

7. Eat candy.

8. Play with your cat with that red laser pointer thing.

9. Look for that red laser pointer thing. It's probably with your keys.

10. Draw a face on your hand. Use your new hand puppet to have a Norwegian conversation with your cat.

11. Compare and contrast your left and right thumbs.

12. Name all the amino acids.

13. Burma!