Forgive the following, I'm not really good at talking about this kind of thing.
I'm not really good at hiding my emotions. Those of you that know me know this to be very true. I wear them on my sleeve, my often quite damp sleeve, much to my chagrin. In short, I don't really have a good poker face.
The exception to this rule? (Because there is always an exception)
I'm really good at hiding my frustrations, worries and fears.
These things, they're not bad, it's ok to have these emotions, but I am so damn determined to always be "fine" around those I care about, it sometimes backfires.
It sometimes backfires because I don't say the things I need to that often.
And I find it so very hard to write something like this, because I'm so damn determined to hold onto this facade that everything is good or fine. And sometimes, most of the time, it really is fine. The frustration, worry or fear is a temporary state in the long run.
But sometimes it builds. And sometimes, I find myself overwhelmed with this kind of dark emotion that just drains everything out of me. The last year or so, I've been fighting off a growing depression that has consumed so much of me. I don't want to get into the details of it, but suffice it to say, I think a lot of it comes from a systemic feeling of "not being good enough."
Ah, you thought this journal was going to be about depression huh?
Self perception is a hell of a thing. Those of you that have felt lacking, felt insecure in some way, shape or form, read: likely most of you know that self perception can really mess with your good vibes (both in a positive or negative way). For me, a lot of my self perception stems from my history, my family, and my class. For me, my self perception isn't necessarily *negative* but more limiting.
Whenever I think I'm reaching beyond what is expected of me, what would exceed the bounds of the limitations or challenges I've already met in my life, I get this little voice in my head that tells me to stop. To give up. To just accept the fact that it's beyond me or my reach. That I'm selfish to want more, to need more, to work for more.
That voice, for me, is harder to ignore than the others.
So, I suppose, the reason I'm writing this now, is because if you deal with a voice like that. Something in you that tells you that giving up is better than trying, I hope you don't listen. I hope you keep trying.
I'll keep trying too.