First of aaaall, a clarification I already made on a thread (or tried to make a clarification): I am not necessarily looking for a romantic relationship, but also not for one-night flings. <__<;;; So to call these 'dates' is a bit... eheheh... Not too correct I guess? I just want to meet new people.


To elaborate. What I do need to do is practice meeting other human beings. Over the years I've grown socially anxious, and I know if I don't practice this sort of thing it's only going to get worse. I used to be social as a kid, but then I got bullied and started withdrawing. I did have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, but going to new places wasn't my favorite thing either. By the time I met with ex, I wasn't a complete reclusive and via him I met more people and it wasn't too bad... but over the past few years with him, my self-esteem took a nose-dive and I started going... bad. I'd fear meeting new people, afraid if I'd spill out secrets I shouldn't have even known about others, and come up with excuses not to even meet old friends. And I'd gotten used to being on my own, as he was always working, on his phone, or with his friends... and he'd wanted us to live in the middle of nowhere.


Soooo yeah. In the past few months I've tried making more effort into meeting new people. Other ladies at first, to avoid the possible clashes of interest, but since that wasn't going so well... well. Living in the middle of nowhere without a car doesn't really help either, nor that I lose interest in hobbies pretty fast. I also find it hard to 'click' with other females, either I feel inferior to them or I get the sense I can't trust them (some of the hardest betrayals I've experienced were from other girls). 


So yeah. I know I'm not fully healed yet, there's anger issues and trust issues to work out before I could start actually dating anyone and I need to be as upfront about it as I can, but I do know that if I wait any longer, then my fears and anxieties are only going to get worse. It's walking on a tightrope since certain behaviors of others 'trigger' memories in me and get me doubting their interest / motives, but GODDAMNIT. I want to meet new people. |:< I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to end up pretending to please someone else again either. So yeah it isn't easy, navigating on this sea of human relations.


Soooo earlier this week I'd agreed to meet with Mr nro 2, and there was a point this weekend where I wanted to call it off 'cause I was so fretting over the past and the whole ghosting experience with ex (and that he kept making social media profiles he had never had before, as far as I knew anyway, using the same platforms as I did) and 'cause I hecking keep comparing guys to him... (and some girls, too, and some girls to the lady people in his circles). 


But. I guided mom to the station then went to see the guy. And let's makes this short and just say that I'm glad I went. Definitely a good experience, 11+ EXP to the Zeit Dating Sim lolololol. If nothing else, then at least I've gained a new friend.... not to mention I had a good experience with another human being. 


Also, I think it's worth mentioning I don't try to flirt. I don't dress up too specially, like... when I agree to go out with someone, I then try to put on clothes I'd wear to lectures and other university-related meetings. Like today I wore my camo hoodie and a beanie hat, as well as all of my rings. (Which were brought up in the conversation, sort of; I changed my ear piercings to titanium ones, finally, on Friday and they've been a little irritated / itchy since [but healing faster than with the practice piercings], I almost scratched at an ear, flinched, and he asked what's up and I told him I'd just got them changed and then we discussed jewelry and such and I mentioned I'm used to wearing rings almost 24/7 since I was a teenager.)



Sooo yeah. That's it for now. xD Wow what a long-winded post. Wasn't supposed to be this long. Uhhhh next up I should probably get done with the video I've promised to dooooo! xD


PS. Blessed silence...... I haven't even turned on a console / TV, let alone put up any music yet. Such blessed silence.... ahh.