(Part 4)

Now that we have the venue issues and sleeping arrangements resolved; it’s time to discuss the Parade of Nations and what sort of medal events we will be offering. Steve and I thought really hard about this, and even though we got sidetracked and huffed a couple of cases of Raid Indoor Flying Insect Spray (Now with 20% more killing power per ounce); we’re happy to announce that we were still able to come up with a preliminary list of competitions. (Even as the miniature flying monkey-pigs were busy trying to sneak through our nasal cavity radar defenses; with plans to inject our rather grossly enlarged hearts with a lethal dose of Robitussin laced Vaseline.) We are well aware that at the beginning of all Olympic Games there is something called the “Parade of Nationsâ€Â. This is when all countries carry the flag of their homeland to show support and pride. We want to change this. What if we were to have each nation carry the flag of their favorite NASCAR driver instead (or a mini-hood)? Finally we can achieve what’s only been dreamed about … Unity within NASCAR; and isn’t that what we’ve all been waiting to see some day. I imagine a world where fans of Tony Stewart can sit in the same room as fans of Mark Martin without one or the other pouring an ice cold delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon onto the head of the other. Tell me … Isn’t an undivided NASCAR exactly what the spirit of the Olympics has always been about? One NASCAR, with truth, liberty, and justice for all.

The good news is … I’m including our preliminary list of 10 medal events for you. The list will be much longer within the next few months; but these 10 are our odds on favorites.

1. Donkey Basketball (Watch out for the Croatians!)
2. Yard Darts (Beware of the Irish! They toss a mean game!)
3. Three Legged Race (The pre-Olympic favorite has to be the delegation from The Republic of Crapmenastank (Part of the former Soviet Union) where Chernobyl was located. Technically each athlete already qualifies by himself because of the extra leg they were born with.)
4. Potato Sack Race
5. Dodge Ball (The French rule at Dodge Ball. I mean who else can dodge responsibility in this world better than the French … They’re naturals.)
6. Thumb Wrestling
7. Hot Dog Eating
8. Distance Spitting
9. Goat Seduction
10. Paint Ball

(Continued in Part 5)