(Part 3)

I know we’re going to need some rather large venues to pull this baby off; and you’ll be tickled to know that Bixty-Hollerville has some of the largest arenas in the whole Northeast Southernmost Western portion East Slamapig County. For instance, there’s the Doogie Howser MD Memorial High School’s Future Farmers of America Agriculture Barn that seats nearly 250 people at one time. (We can always add up to 20 or 30 additional fold out chairs if needed.) The high school football stadium is also available (Home of the Doogie Howser Fightin’ Infected Scabs … GO SCABS!!!). However, there are no bleachers at the football field due to our rather overweight and extremely ugly Marching Band. During the final game against the Crackerton Hatemongers this season, the band was performing a rather toe-tapping rendition of Bill Conti’s “Gonna Fly Now†(The theme from “Rockyâ€Â) when their repeated jumping to symbolize the “Gonna FLY Now†portion of the song’s title caused the bleachers to implode and collapse, mysteriously catching fire. No need to worry though, even though every band member tragically died in what’s being called “Bleacher-Gate†locally; we still want to use the rather haunted football field for the Olympic festivities. We’d have no problem asking all attendees to come B.Y.O.L.C. (As you probably already know, that’s NASCAR lingo for “Bring Your Own Lawn Chairâ€Â.) FYI: You’ll be pleased to know that plans are already in place to rebuild the destroyed bleachers. Unfortunately for the 2008 Bixty-Hollerville Summer Olympics, the stands won’t be completed until late 2009. In honor of all of those that perished that fateful November night; the stadium will be renamed after them collectively. I can’t wait to honor the fallen marching band members when Lard Butt Stadium is officially opened in the fall of 2009.

Sleeping arrangements for the athletes won’t be a problem either. We’ll have plenty of homemade sleeping bags on hand (Pillow cases sewn together and stuffed with old newspaper.) for use in the forest behind my home. I’ve figured that if every country in the world sends their athletes to participate in the Bixty-Hollerville 2008 Summer Olympics; there should be at least 132 of them total, but not more than 151. (No need to worry … We’ll be sure to make 152 sleeping bags, just in case I’m off by one.) My math should be pretty accurate though, considering I’m using the Hammerstein Fractal Spectronomic Spatial Density Scale to arrive at my calculations. (Not to mention that I’m still using that fancy Solar Calculator that I referred to earlier.) We will also be giving the athletes a choice in regards to their sleeping arrangements. If any of the competitors don’t wish to sleep in the woods, and quite possibly get eaten by a bear (there’ll be a 67% chance based on the number of campers that are never heard from again), they are more than welcome to bunk with me in my 2-story single wide travel trailer if they desire to do so. We just need to lay down one cardinal rule before the whole shindig gets under way. Nobody … I repeat, NOBODY! … Will be allowed to touch my Official Danbury Mint “Dogs Playing Poker†Limited Edition Figurines. Keep in mind that these are the OFFICIAL ones; not some cheap knock-off version of a group of surly dogs playing cards. These are the $4.99 deluxe variety listed in the back of Hustler magazine! I don’t like to brag, but I’m an official member of the “Danbury Society†(per the card they sent me); and because of this, the little statues automatically show up at my doorstep every other month with no obligation for me to buy should I decide to return them within 10 business days and cancel my membership.

(Continued in Part 4)