AleisaG

Female
from Chillicothe, OH

  • Activity

    • I made a mistake...

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      Here's is everything. I didn't know where to write this, so I'm writing it everywhere that you might see it. I love you so much. The truth is, I hate this. I hate this relationship that we have now. I should have told you before. I'm so afraid of losing you that I just expect the worst from you now. You don't come at 7 in the morning, so I expect you not to show up or to show up 2 hours later. I ask you to go somewhere, so you don't. I'm just waiting for you to break up with me, because I can't do it myself. I feel like I'm pulling you behind. I feel like this isn't right anymore because you aren't happy. You say you are, but are you really? I keep hurting you over and over again and you never say anything until we get into a fight. This is what I mean. Are you really happy? It doesn't seem like it anymore. I love you so much that I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm afraid to ask you anything because I'm afraid it will hurt you. Please, understand. I want to work this out, yet I'm not sure we can anymore. I don't want to hurt you and yet I feel like that's all I can do. I'm so angry at you because you aren't prooving me wrong! Damnit, I love you so much Michael. Please, please, please understand. Though, you are probably so mad at me right now it is hard to understand. I need you and I want you and I love you. I just want what's best for us. I want you and yes...yes I lied to make you happy. I pretend to be happy to everyone. That's how I hide myself. That's my way of not getting hurt and hoping to ghodd that no one else gets hurt. But they always do, because they don't understand. Please, for once, just understand. Understand that I need you when I don't. Understand that I need you to love me. Understand that...I miss you. That it's not quite 11 yet....

      understand that I was wrong and I made a very big mistake.

    • Honeslty...

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      I don't think he even sees me anymore. Maybe he is trying to forget. Maybe he is trying to escape from me. Who cares anymore? All I know is that he doesn't see me. Nor does he care anymore. He used to be there. Even when I didn't need him. Now I can't get him here just to hang out. You'd barely think we were going out anymore.

    • Update

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      Life...basically sucks right now. I cut again for the first time in....months really. It wasn't the same this time. I doubt I'll ever really cut again. It's not the same pleasure...or pain really. It's just kinda there and it acts more of a reminder. Then again...the reason was somewhat different this time. Yes, it was because of my mom, but in a different way. It was because I gave in. There was no fight, but I don't really see the point in a fight anymore.

      Ok...well there just went all my thoughts for another argument. Give it a bit and my head will be chewed off again. Guess I better type fast.

      So, Bob went off to band camp today. I'm very happy for him, but I didn't even get much of a goodbye. Well, that's how it goes when he's having fun. I miss him, yes, but he's busy and having fun and I'll get to pick him up Friday. I just thought, maybe things would be different. Hell, maybe he just wants a break from his naggy girl friend. I wouldn't blame him if he did or does. Yet, a good-bye would've been nice. Sometimes I wonder if we will go as far in our lives together as I hope. Everytime I bring kids...marriage...any of that kind of stuff up he just looks away or gives a simple nod. It used to be different. He used to bring them up. Things have changed. Almost a year together. I thought he'd be different. Maybe not. I'm even begining to think they are all the same. Guys I mean. I love him so much...hell...I don't know if this will go on much longer. I'm afraid of that...but...maybe I'm right. We'll see.

      Toodles.

    • I'm Sick

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      When we cry,
      in the night,
      we only need someone,
      someone to hold us tight.

      As I did once,
      not long ago,
      the tear stained face,
      they'd never know.

      The point is,
      though,
      that I'm still here,
      with a heart full of fear.

      I'm sick,
      yet you think not,
      so who do I tell,
      whn there's a calling to hell.

      I'm tired and weak,
      as a tear runs down my cheek,
      I though I was cured,
      but I know now.

      I know that this,
      will never end,
      and that my body,
      will always be somewhat dead.

      No matter what,
      I'll live in fear,
      until the time,
      I disappear.

      ~Molly Toth-Thompson

    • ...dot dot dot

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      wanna bet...

    • muuuuhhhhhaaaaahhhhaaaaa!!!!

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      For many a months the imposter has struck from the shadows....

      Infiltrating others journals and leaving weird, and ununderstandable messages......

      But NOW the VICTIM has STRUCK BACK!!!!!

      Complete pwnage!!!

    • Well...

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      Life is getting complicated. I guess you could say I'm scared. But when am I not. Today, was just....different. I feel myself going back in time. I remember myself saying similar things to other people. Promises that were made to me and the broken.

      The thing is...sometimes I can give all of myself...other times I'm afraid. Lately I want to cry more and more. Today I found out my ex-boyfriend might be coming to prom. I don't know how I'm going to react. I have Bob...but still...I don't feel safe. There are things that have happened to me that I haven't told anyone. Feelings that I've had, things that have happened, or just stuff. I don't know. Things that were said. Sometimes I wish I could run away from my past, but everytime I turn around it's there. It's there right behind me. Always. I just don't feel safe.I wish I could cry. Honestly I do.

      It's just, there is something different in this world now. Everything seems to have gone cold. I'm falling again and I can't get up this time. Maybe one day, but not right now. I took a year to chase down the one thing that was so important to me. Somehow I just knew. Now, I'm afraid of hurting the one thing I love. I don't know why. My thoughts are changing stream again. I'm doing what I always do....before I convince myself...to do what I have to so many others. None of them I loved though...and to be like this with someone I love...I seriously wonder who I am anymore. I just am scared. There are too many what-if's in this world.

      Sometimes, I wish I could just stop and think again, but my time of thinking is long past. Half the time I can't stop thinking of pain long enough to think of how to fix it. I promised him...and now I'm regreting it...I just can't hold on anymore. I'm so scared.

      For once...I wish he would just understand...and grab ahold of me...and never let go...never...

    • Sometimes...

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      It's amazing the things humans do. We can sit here and try to fix things, but in the end we are just staring at ourselves in the mirror wondering what the hell happened. We wonder why we are so much alike to that person in the mirror. We wonder how we screwed up their life. We wonder if it was our own fault...or others. Or maybe no one's fault at all. Perhaps this is how mother nature intended it. So we stand up and we move on. We face the sun and we fix our problems. Sometimes that's not so easy, but we do it anyway. If we don't, not only will we hurt ourselves...but the ones we love.

      To a girl I may have hurt, forgive me. When I look at you, I see myself. A broken hearted, dieing soul. At least, that was me. I can't tell you what I did to fix it, because I do not know. All I can think, is that I saw my problems and that they didn't all lead back to other people. Sometimes, they were just me and me alone. Sometimes, things can be changed. When you wake up in the morning, don't sigh and hope it will be a better day. Wake up and know it will be a better day. Just smile. When you walk past everyone, don't bow your head and hide your feelings. Rise your eyes to theirs, let them see the pain and let them help you. When you go to sleep at night, don't cry because you feel their is no use. Cry, because for once in your life you feel happy and good about something. And when you sleep, forgive yourself and let all of your woes flow away from you. Just forget and forgive. Smile and walk away. That's all the advice I can possibly give.

      With all of my love, my heart goes out to you. You helped me once, I can only hope to help you. smiley12.gif

    • ZOMG!!!

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      I just noticed something. Ben made me a sponsor!!! Yayishness!!! I feel so loved. This is an awesome b-day present. I feel like such a blonde, though. Anyway, color!! hehe....I'm so happy...Bob is going to kill me....oh well....hehehe... smiley0.gif

    • The Promised Journal...so to speak

      13 years ago

      AleisaG

      Basically, I am making this my final journal. Everyone I know should be on my list(at least the people I typically hang out with). If there are any names I have missed, let me know. I will add them.

      Ben-A sweet guy, though we typically get into our fights. He can't and will never lie to me. I am pretty sure of that. We know eachother too well to deal with that kind of nonsense.

      Bob-My boyfriend. I trust him with all of my heart, though sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't. He is honest most of the time, but we all lie at some point in time.

      JB-Again, someone who is honest most of the time, but we all lie at some point. He doesn't cause drama. He is a sweet guy and I still regret hurting him.

      Ally-Used to be a sweet girl, but recently has turned more into her mother than some of us would like and also into a liar. We all make our mistakes. I hope she realizes hers soon, because if not I fear she may loose several friends.

      Amy-A lieing bitch. She may hate me now, but not as much as I hate her for everything she has done to me and my friends. It seems her life is to play people.

      Devin-An odd guy. He causes a lot of the drama and is very much like amy. Not much to say about him besides the point that he is an asshole, who is oddly getting nicer, which he was doing before he started dating Ally!

      Liz-A nice girl, but she can be deceitful. I've been good not to get on her bad side, but she plays people as much as Amy and Devin.

      Lacey-A bitch who can be two-faced, even if she won't admit it. Truthfully, we can all be two faced. Anyway, she is a nice and honest friend most of the time.

      Nathan-A sweet guy. I have never had any problems with him, but then again I haven't known him that long.

      Todd-A two-faced asshole who needs to stop playing girls and treating them like shit. I hate what he did to me and Ally. He may never admit it, but he really is a mental abuser.

      Katie-A deceitful bitch. I don't care if she hates me for this. It is true. She plays people all the time and I hate her for what she did to Bob. I'm tired of her lies and how she plays people. One minute she's your best friend and the next she is a total bitch to you.

      Larry-A two-faced quiet guy. He is what he is. No one can change that and he may or may not admit it. I could care less if I get on his bad side either.

      Mer-She used to be my sister, but now she is a lieing bitch who has joined up with the rest of them.

      Travis-Basically an asshole who Mer needs to break up with. He is using her to make himself look good and then he treats her like shit and won't admit it. She deserves someone better, but to her, he is better. That's the sad thing. When I dated him, I was always afraid he would turn around and hit me. She won't admit it now, but she has said the same thing in the past.

      Okay, I'm done now. Let me know if you all can think of anyone else.

      ~Mozzy

  • About Me

  • Comments (26)

    • revan773

      13 years ago

      I love MOZZY!!

    • Qcx918

      13 years ago

      Happy Birthday, Molly!

      I would have gotten you a present, but I spent the money on me instead. Sorry!

    • monkey_bacon

      13 years ago

      Happy Birthday!!!!! smiley0.gif

    • Sgt_Pepper

      13 years ago

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    • Tarion914

      13 years ago

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Benf made me do it k? Don't kill me smiley8.gif .

    • wizbang2

      13 years ago

      Harpy birfday

    • r0xx0rz

      13 years ago

      HEY

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY K?

    • Bey FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold wut is a hallo

      13 years ago

      ZOMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLD PERSON.

    • benf_2004

      13 years ago

      Oh hey look a journal entry

      smiley0.gif

    • benf_2004

      13 years ago

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY smiley0.gif

      Even though I already told you that right at midnight. S09.gif

      smiley12.gif

    • ReokuHimura

      13 years ago

      hmmm... Hi saw you on Genor's place, he's a cool perosn.

    • benf_2004

      13 years ago

      Hey look what I can do that you can't do. smiley0.gif

    • revan773

      13 years ago

      yea thats donut and u need to get on so I can talk with you cause I am really really bored and have nuttin to do!!!

    • Glitchshot

      13 years ago

      I....do not...know you... But I am Donut.. and you.. are micheals girlfriend... and I am.. sitting right...next....too.....him...so ...HERE!!! is like 20 mod points.. cause im bored.. and you are the only one I have not given spam mob points..!! Muahahahaha

    • AleisaG

      14 years ago

      wow...i love randomness...lol...hi everyone...

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      HOLY SHIT YOU LOGGED IN!

      It's a miracle! lol smiley6.gif

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      Now you can look at my ass any time you want to. smiley8.gif

      assaward.gif

      smiley12.gif

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      TAG

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      Go read my latest journal entry if you haven't already...that's all I ask of you before I leave you alone..forever if I have to.

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      You're the one who always said your hair is basically brown now, not me, so don't even try that one. lol

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      Heh...sorry Brutebasher. I was feeling like an asshole when I made that comment. Please feel free to have entire conversations by way of personal comments. :-P

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      Brutebasher7, don't try to start conversations in personal comments. It's called private messaging. Use it. Thanks.

    • brutebasher7

      14 years ago

      which is better==runescape or halo?

    • brutebasher7

      14 years ago

      yea life does suck

    • benf_2004

      14 years ago

      You're my most favoritest friend ever...even if you are a bitch! :-P

    • cmedabomb

      14 years ago

      hey!

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