Atilaa

Male
from The capital of the Kingdom of Sweden

  • Activity

    • the roller coaster of life

      4 years ago

      Atilaa

      i'm basically writing this to show that i'm still alive.
      i'm still trucking on, hating life but i'm to lazy to do anything about it, and i like football (soccer), especially my team AIK too much.
      as of now i'm studying computer and network sciences but i have no clue about what i want to do with life.
      it has been like a roller coaster, and i got no clue where it is going.

    • Spending time on "healty" stuff

      5 years ago

      Atilaa

      so i found a new hobby that doesn't involve thought about how and when to suicide and that is to make huge portraits in Minecraft. I just finished a portrait of Weiss from RWBY. Weiss also happens to be my favorite character and @Kara does an amazing job portraying her, she really gives her character to tone she needs. It's 100x120 blocks. here is a what my version looks like
      BT5ozUTIcAA-MOp.jpg

      and here we have what the original looks like
      rwby_weiss_scheel_by_dustiniz117-d5uybgd

    • ... and life was like "surprise!!"

      5 years ago

      Atilaa

      for a while after i wrote my last two journals i felt some sort of serenity or something and most things were great, but then life was like"SURPRISE!!". something new happened that i hadn't noticed before, the serenity was only something temporary and when the "fix" went over shit came down over me. hooray!
      well, things aren't great but now school started again and it is a bit easier to go on when you have regular routines to follow/do every day and it gives my mind something else to focus on.

    • Going back to where it started

      5 years ago

      Atilaa

      first of all, thanks to every one for their support lately, words cant describe how grateful i am. and who would have thought that writing about feelings was a good way of getting contact with women ;)
      now to serious stuff.

      It turned out to be a lot longer than i expected and a bit unorganized.

      Last night i didn't sleep anything, i was awake trying to figure out where all of these feelings come from, where they have their origin and that was harder to do that expected.
      i guess it all started when i first went to kindergarten. i have always been different from others even at a very early age and just like all the other kids i wanted to be normal. in kindergarten i only went half days and i had special food because i was allergic to a whole bunch of things when i was younger, that was a reason for the kids to make fun of me and it wasn't very pleasant to eat other things than everyone else but that wasn't all. as i was sick a lot as a kid i went in and out of the hospital a lot and going there really gets on your never, especially as the doctors once said that i can't have pain there and i was just faking so i didn't have to eat some thing. nice doctor... eventually things got better, for a while, and i endured kindergarten or what ever the thing before elementary school is. i hoped that when i started elementary school that i could be like the other kids "normal" but that didn't happen.
      in Sweden we start school at the age of 6 and when school starts for the first time all of the kids decide who should be friends with who and such but i missed half of the first year because i got Lyme disease, thing you get from Ticks. before i got it treated the doctors once again was assholes, they had just taken a test and before checking it they said i was fine but it got pretty bad, half of my body got almost completely paralyzed and i was really ill. my mother had to fight to see the real test results so we could get treatment going. at this point i had missed almost 1/4 of the first school year. i only made it thru half of the treatment for Lyme disease, the medication technically killed me, my heart was stopped and i didn't breath and they had to revive me. so now that this was over there was only 1/2 of the school year left. tired for the treatment and from unexplained allergies i had to go to school, where i instantly realized that i was the odd kid in class. first of all i didn't live close to school so no one wanted to be my friend, i had allergies and special food which was unacceptable for them and i was just a little special.
      for years i suffered for bullying and not getting my allergies treated and all that was getting to me, i just wanted to be normal, but as we say in Sweden : The nail that stands up must be hammered down.

      when i started the 5th grade a competent doctor professor finally took up my case and started doing things to make it better. they started me on something called "elimination diet", when you do that you take away everything besides 12 ingredients and remember that Salt is and ingredient. i lived of cabbage, corn, salt chicken, beef and a few other things for a little more than 1 year. the thing about this diet is to take back one thing at a time and see how the body reacts.
      from the 5th grade to the beginning of the 9th grade i had to bring with me my own lunch box to school (in Sweden school lunch is free) and that may not sound so bad but only eating 12 things, getting mean comments about it and all that really teared on me, it was not fun. the stress i felt every day was enormous and every school day was battle.
      it was during this time i lost my 2 only friends that i had for 6 years, i had had them for half of my life but they ran away when things got inconvenient.
      when i got to eat more than 12 things the chefs at school helped with my food but they were evil personified, on purpose they made food that made me sick. to do that, to a KID!! eventually they got fired and i went back to my lunch box.
      it wasn't enough that i had to suffer from my stress that was astronomical but i also had bullies and my teachers didn't do shit so finally i bet them up and it was almost so that the teachers started to yell at me acting in self defense.
      finally i started the 9th grade and we had figured out what i was allergic to and i just keep on getting more special, i am the first kid in that got the diagnosis that i am allergic to Histamine, i helped move science forward, i had a professor studying me for a while. when you get an allergic reaction to that you get headaches, your pulse speeds up, it affects your mood, and if you get to much you die. when we figured that out i finally got to leave my lunch box at home and get food at school like everyone else, but it still was a hell. my food was never done in time and i would have to beg for someone to stay, or else i would be alone in the big cafeteria, there was no compassion for people that didn't fit the pattern in my school.


      I tried to talk about this to my parents but it never got any better, all i got in the end was that everyone has a hard time so i stopped talking with them about big problems...
      I guess the reason i never talked to anyone else about all this is that i didn't want so show weakness and in Sweden we have a saying: "A good man takes care of himself." a Swedish man shall not speak about feelings, he can handle him self "Alone is strong" as some swedes say.


      I think all of this, all of my sadness comes from me always being the odd kid, the one that wasn't accepted by others, the one that was sick, the one that couldn't do what everyone else did. i think that's why i take it so hard when i lose a friend, i never got accepted and when i got accepted and got a friend would do anything for him/her but then since they were "normal" they could just get other "better" people to be with.

    • I thought things was getting better...

      5 years ago

      Atilaa

      Just as i thought my depression and suicide thoughts was going away for a while and things was starting to get better things just went to a new low again...
      I only have 4 real friends, i thought, and 2 of them (they are sisters and always come together) has started to distance them selfs from me for reasons i found out today. this distance thing has been going on for some time without me really knowing what was going on but now i do.
      some old woman has been spreading false rumor about my mom and dad. these rumors doesn't have a single grain of truth in them and they don't have anything to do with me. i wont go in to details on what rumors this old bitch has been spreading but i am willing to bet my live on that they are false because the incident is claimed to have happened when i was with my parent, when no one else was around. it is simply impossible for those rumors to be true.
      so just because an old big mouthed woman can't speak the truth 2 of my those I thought were my friends have started to distance them selfs from me. they haven't said or mentioned anything about this to me or even tried to see if these rumors are true. i might understand if these rumors was about something that i had done but this is about my parents, and i have nothing to do with this! even if the rumors are true it is still unacceptable to make a longtime friend who has known them longer than this bitch suffer for it when he has nothing to do with them!
      now how do i know that this has to do with false rumors? well, when they started to surface the distancing started. before we were good friends and talked a lot and now they never initiate a conversation by text, when we meet at public places they never come to talk with me and this has been going on some time but i just started to notice the pattern a few days ago.
      what makes me sad about all this is that my 2 "friends" would rather believe an old woman that knows their mother than ask their friend if all this is true. without blinking they accepted what she said and now i seem to have lost 2 friends that i thought were close to me.

      now that i seem to have lost 50% of my friends i only have 2 left, but they all are moving abroad so in a few weeks i will be all alone again with no one to talk to... just me, my cat and my games...

      my suicide thought are now stronger than ever but there is still something that keeps me from killing my self, what that is, i do not know but i wish i do so i could take that away and just end it.

      to summarize: i have probaly lost 2 friends because of false rumors, my other 2 friends are moving abroad, my suicide thoughts and sadness is stronger than ever. life is just great...

    • it's crazy to think about it-Dark Story

      5 years ago

      Atilaa

      today i reflected on what my life would be like if I didn't have Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter and it didn't take much reflecting until i figured that it would have been a very dark and dead life for me.For a long time i've had suicidal thoughts and it is often that i have thought of ways to kill myself at home but for some reason i stopped myself. this is also he first time i tell anyone about this, and i decide to tell the randoms on the internet.

      Here follows some things that was on my mind:one special event/day/something came to mind.

      i was fingering my fishing knife and thought "what is stopping me, why don't i end it right now?". what stopped me that day was that i had a RT Podcast to listen to in two days and a LP to watch that day and the day after that day. For a couple of years (at least 2) i have lived going from Podcast to Podcast, RT video to RT video, Achievement Hunter vid to Achievement Hunter vid.When ever i was thinking of killing myself i thought "oh, wait! there is a new *insert RT show here* video tomorrow/in a few days, i have to see that!" it was not pleasant (still isn't) to live, but i just had to see the new video. in the beginning i watched videos form the archive and when they were watched i had to try to survive from one video to an other.

      One day when i was in a really dark place and thought of looking for rope that would be used for hanging and i noticed that there was a new Minecraft LP and there was this new awesome guy in it, he was @Ryan . when he started to be in the LPs i got a new life spark, i had to investigate who this new mystery man was and for some reason he grew on me, there was something about his way of talking and his attitude that captured me. for some reason HE became the reason to watch the LPs and the LPs were/are often the reasons i don't kill myself. Somehow the new AH guy, the guy that in the beginning didn't get a lot of love form the fans on Youtube became my savior without doing anything and without knowing. Thanks Ryan.

      Three other things that has kept me alive is my Cat, @Ray (to some extent) and a Youtuber called SideStrafe.

      I'm still alive and i'll probably stay alive for a while.

      I guess that this is the end of this journal entry.

      END!

    • Diffrent kinds of programming languages

      in Forums > Diffrent kinds of programming languages | Follow this topic

      Atilaa

      Hello smart people of the Internet!

      In about 1.25 years in gonna go study at university in Sweden and I'm most likely gonna study programming but I have a few questions about programming.
      1) a friend of mine said that there is a lot of math in programing and it wasnt like learning a new language and it was more like learning a new form of math. Is that true?
      2) what kinds of programing languages exists?
      3) what kind of programing language will be most helpfull in searching for work? What will be most usefull to know?

      If you can't answer all questions that's on, any answer will do and the more answers I get the more info on this subject I'll get.
      Thanks.

      17 replies

    • Company of Heroes crashing problem

      in Forums > Company of Heroes crashing problem | Follow this topic

      Atilaa

      Started playing CoH the other day on my of from 2010 to prepare for CoH 2 but the game crashes all the time for me for no good reason. I have the game on steam and I have medium quality on the game.
      Any ideas on what the problem might be?

      14 replies

    • can i post swtor holocron guides?

      in Forums > can i post swtor holocron guides? | Follow this topic

      Atilaa

      as most of you know SWTOR got f2p a month or so ago so i thought that should get all of the datacrons but i also noticed that the original achievement hunter boys did not make any guides for the republic side, only for the empire side. i made a video with commentary and all of the datacrons/holocrons on Tython but when i was going to post it i noticed that i had to pick an achievement on the ah upload thing but there is no achievement in SWTOR for getting the datacrons, but they do help with the game and increase your stats. can i upload holocrons guides or not? i have already made one and was going to make more but now i am waiting for an answer if i should make more of the datacrons guides or not.

      5 replies

    • Update of some sort

      6 years ago

      Atilaa

      Started to play SWTOR when it became F2P, and it's so good! Fells like a Mass Effect game, but with Star Wars. Started to pay for playing today, and it is totally worth it.
      I have been playing so much, probably to much. Haven't touched my Xbox in like 2-3 days!
      Got to finish The Saboteur before the new year, got to get 100%! @Ray has inspired my to start getting 100% of the achievements in my Xbox games, he is a good role model, living away from home and playing games for a living, who wouldn't want to have it like that?

      Now I'm out of things to write, not that more than 5 people reads this.
      If someone reads, take care.

  • Comments (4)

    • Dorensis FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Vault Hunter

      5 years ago

      Hey, just checking up on you. How are you? :)

    • caleb FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Frisbee

      6 years ago

      I am and they will all be posted in time. It's a large back log so it will take me a while.

    • BioHRay FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Yup, they are a special edition thing smiley0.gif

    • semperfi589 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Hey man thanks heaps for the supportive comment. We really appreciate it =)

      PS: sorry about the lateness of this reply

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