"Go to sleep."
Those were the last words that rang through my head before it actually happened. Before I was feeling death knock on my front door and being close to entering my life uninvited. Three simple words that had a monologue worth of emotions, whether it be out of simply caring about my well being, or out of anger for believing that I just refused at every turn to listen. It's hard to imagine that I slept for as long as I did and just how much longer it felt. In that time I was able to see what I've done, the relationships I've made, whether romantically or genuine friendship, my mistakes, the good I've done, as well as every regret I would be forced to carry on in a new chapter.
I never felt like I was good with people. For the longest time I was always on my own. I had an older relative but drug usage stained our relationship to the point where the only time I see him is the 17th of every month at exactly 3:00 pm at my local cemetery. I never expected friendships from anyone I encountered, I would usually only talk to people to get me by my days when I couldn't count on myself to feel happy or anything other than the depression lingering over. People would consider me "popular" or "the most friendly" at times. I laughed to myself because none of them knew during our time in public school was a completely different person they saw, one who just wanted to make it through the day and get home. The only friends I had seemed to always count on for the longest time was my head coach in MMA, his family, and my training partner Joshua. I always felt safe with them and felt that maybe I could warm up to the idea of family and acceptance.
Everything took a turn for the worst when I had found out not only my coach, but his entire family passed away tragically in the span of two days. Their daughter, hit by a driver speeding in their neighborhood, a support father, committing suicide out of guilt, regret and shame and a loving mother, committing suicide out of loneliness and depression slowly choking the life out of her. I tried bouncing back, Joshua tried his best to keep composure for not only his well being but for mine as well. It was a difficult time, and it still haunts me from night to night.
It was around this time I tried making more friends through online communities, primarily the RT site and it's forums. I've always thought of the internet for being a great place to know people as they post their true feelings and sometimes are more upfront with their true nature than they ever can be in real life. I searched for people and discovered a forum where people were looking for friends who were heading to RTX 2015. I didn't know at the time of hesitantly joining their group chat that I was about to make some life long relationships.
Fast forward two-three months and there I was feeling better than ever, having friends to count on, thousands of hours into group hangouts where we slowly all started building our bonds and slowly becoming a family. I never thought it would happen, and if it did that I would ever really be a part of it. I would see individuals bonding with others, little inner groups forming through this family that at the end of the day accepted anyone willing to be a part of it. It was an intense feeling to go through and it definitely wasn't easing in dealing with what everything in my head forced me to believe. Sometime later, medication I take to ease anxiety ran thin. I did not have the money for refills and was forced to endure sleepless nights. It was here that the words "Go to sleep" were a constant. I did not feel the need to explain everything about the medication and how it was more of my inability to sleep than any childish unwillingness. It was a long week and little did I know everything was about to be flipped upside down on me.
Recently, I dove into a coma. Coupled together with sustaining injuries from a car accident, I forced my body through hell and back in a grueling 25 minute fight that I accepted out of necessity. Bones broken, ribs crushed, bruising externally and internally plagued me and my will and heart could only carry me so far before my body decided it was time to rest. I still can't fully describe the feeling or somewhat consciousness I felt during the 57 hours my body would force itself over my mind. Joshua relayed messages and updates to those concerned and through everything I still was able to fully hear the messages being spoken to me via Joshua. It was in this time i was able to fully examine how I've lived and what mistakes I've made. I realized I couldn't allow myself to be held back anymore by fear, anxiety, doubt or even uncertainty at what actions I performed would bring about an unknown consequence. I swore to myself that if I was able to wake up I would lead my life without any regrets, or let anything hold me back whether it be feelings for someone, nervousness at what people would think of my efforts in content creating, or the self judging persona that I harbored within me whenever I wanted to let someone know how I truly felt for them.
So this is a heart felt and wholesome thank you. To any of you reading this. Thank you for being yourself and know that through thick and thin, through hell and back and from the morning that sun rises and the moment it sets and fades that you, yes you, are a beautiful person and I am very lucky to have come in contact with you. Though you may not know it everyone I've befriended since joining this site has given me a purpose in life now. It's rare I am able to put into words the thousands of thoughts swirling in my head but since waking up from my nearly eternal sleep I am choosing to start living my life the exact way I know it was meant to be lived.