from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

  • Activity

    • WWBNJD

      13 years ago


      Now Playing - Friends and Family by Trik Turner

      So everyone who hasn't gotten an email from me should get an email from someone else.

      I wanted to talk about these things that you may have seen pop up as my Title or TheGame's... and it's slowly spreading.

      Basically, WWBNJD is What Would BigNiceJohn Do? When you confront yourself with a touchy situation, think... What WouldbigNiceJohn Do?

      Trouble at work? BNJ would simply smile and backstab his boss, getting promoted.

      Trouble with relationships? It's simple... flirt and be a lovable dork. Ok, just flirt, people think flirting is cheesy, but that's only if you try to be serious about it, a smile never offends anyone.

      Trouble meting people? WWBNJD?? The best pickup line is always "Hi"

      So remember, the BNJ way is to be social, be funny, and never be afraid of making an idiot out of yourself for the betterment of all mankind.

      Thank you all... have a good day.

    • Neil Gaiman, Evil Dead, Lewis Black

      13 years ago


      Well, thought I'd review a few things I'm reading/playing right now and I'd start off with the best.

      Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys is simply put, the best novel I've had the pleasure of reading in a long time. Set in the same universe as American Gods, it follows a pair of brothers, sons of Mr. Nancy, who passes away in the first chapter, and becomes the impetus for the brothers who've never met before. I haven't finished i yet, but it's a book I wholeheartedly recommend. Nobody can craft a story like Mr. Gaiman, and if you're unfamiliar with any of his work, do yourself a favour and pick up anything from the Sandman comics to Neverwhere, or see Beowulf when the movies comes out.. he wrote the screenplay.

      Now from the sublime to the ridiculous, I HAVE to review a couple of xbox games that I've been playing alot of recently. Evil Dead; Regeneration is a blast. You'll never find more fun for 30 bucks. Bruce Campbell is back to voice Ash, and a completely new character (a half-deadite midget named Sam) has been added and is voiced by... Ted Raimi. The banter between the two is great. The game is full of bonuses and extra's that you actually have to find by exploring the environment.

      Like Fistfull of Boomstick (I want that back eventually, Thundera!) the targeting system sometimes fels a bit too easy, and I really dislike the fact that your guns have unlimited ammo. That being said, the sheer fun of gameplay makes up for all of that. There are some camera glitches but those are few and far between. Overall, I'd give the game 8.5 severed limbs out of 10.

      Another game I've been playing alot is ESPN NHL 2k6. I've been really skeptical about the whole espn hockey series, especialyl since 2k5. Sadly, though EA has done nothing to earn my money for a hockey game, and this years' incarnation is stellar. There are alot of new innovations this year including line chemistry, enforcer/intimidation system and new deke controls.

      The biggest plus about 2k6 is that gone are the name mis-pronouncing American announcers replaced with... Bob Cole and Harry Neale!! Now if you're familiar with their work, it's different to hear them not get as excited as they usually do, but it's three steps up nonetheless. The gameplay works as well as hockey this year does. Setting the game the way rules are now makes for a wide-open entertaining affair, and in the new roster upgrade, rookies like Crosby, Ovechkin, Jeff Carter and Alexander Steen should be available. Overall 7.5 flaming pucks out of 10, but I'm such a hard hockey fan to please, that is a great score.

      Lewis Black is one of my favourite people period. I'd love to get the chance to meet him, just to sit back, have a beer and laugh at christians. His new book is called Nothing's Sacred, and when y6ou have praise from George Carlin saying "Lewis Black is a guy I'd pay to see" you have high praise indeed. Equal part biography and rant, I don't have enough adjectives to tell you what an incredible book this is. Get it... get it now!!

      P.S. On SportsCentre tonight, they played Tom Cheek's top ten calls, and I'm not ashamed I was all teary-eyed before they even got to number 6.

      P.P.S. Only 2 more journals until the friend heckle! Are you ready?

      Edit; I am at the moment owning (powning, even!) the RvB fantasy league.

    • Thanks For Everything, Tom

      13 years ago


      An era of my childhood ended this afternoon. Tom Cheek died at the age of 66 after complications stemming from brain cancer. Cheek was the voice of he Toronto Blue Jays since their inception and called more than 4,300 ballgames in a row from 1977 until 2003.

      Oddly enough as a kid grownig up in Canada, I came to baseball first as a sport. The Blue Jays could do no wrong in my eyes, even though when I first watched them they had some of the most stuning collapses in the playoffs and regular season. Tom Cheek was always there, though. Driving home from sunday school two things would be on the radio, the end of the Royal Canadian Air Farce and after that, the Jays game.

      I've had the oppourtunity to meet Mr. Cheek a couple of times, and he more than everyone else deserves to be called a class act, giving an ear to a 10, 12 and 19 year old who just wanted to talk baseball. Tom missed his first game since the Blue Jays inception to attend his fathers' funeral in 2003. A week after returning, he missed another couple of games with, it was later found out to be, a tumor iun his brain. There's still an irrational part of me that thinks had he never left that broadcast booth, I'd still be lucky enough to hear him call a game like nobody else.

      When I hear his call of Joe Carter's series-winning home run in '93, I still get goosebumps. "Touch 'em all, Joe, you'll never hit a bigger one than that!"
      I'll miss you Tom, say hello to Lou Gherig for me.

    • I've Got Answers!!

      13 years ago


      Now Playing - Banditos by the Refreshments

      Well, what am I doing at home on a Friday night? Why answering your questions, of course... let's get started.

      Dear Mr. Ask A Canadian Guy,

      Is it wrong for an American living in Buffalo and spending a lot of time in Canada to use the Canadian "eh"? Must I now try to obtain Canadian citizenship because I've picked up this speah quirk from my neighbors?

      Now, my dear Oboe, we Canadians are a very giving people, you're more than welcome to use the 'eh'. Of course, this will put you in good stead with your fellow Americans because it's well known that everyone loves Canadians.

      And onto the next question...

      Dear Mr. Canadian Jewish Guy:

      Do Jews in Canada also enjoy Chinese Food? If so, do they prefer Egg Rolls or Potstickers? I will understand if they don't go for the Pork Fried Rice.

      And what about a nice chicken? Maybe with some potato kugel?

      Excellent question, Elnea: It's universal, Jews everywhere enjoy Chinese food... oddly enough, Chinese jews really go for Thai. Among jews, the consensus is that you can't go wrong with a good egg roll.

      Still more questions;

      Ask A Jewish Dude:

      Why can't you eat Bacon Cheeseburgers?

      Firstly, Bacon is pork, which is a no-no for my peeps. Secondly, cheese and meat are not supposed to be eaten on the same dish because of the biblical phrase "A Goat shall not roast in its' mothers' milk." Now, where jews use different utensils for meat and dairy comes from a popular revelation around 900 that was known as "Making a fence around the torah." This means that because you're not suposed to buy anything on the sabbath, you can't carry your wallet around. And because you can't eat milk and meat together, it's better to have seperate utensils for both. Good answer, Thundera?

      Still more;

      Hey Mr. Canadian Guy,

      How do you keep the rotten American air from border jumping and polluting all that wonderfully crisp, clean Canadian air?

      Well Flash, sadly we can't, on behalf of all Canadians, Fuck You for ruining our air.

      And just one more question;

      I've got a question for you. Left handed? seriously dude, get with the winning team.

      Sadly, GeekDr, it's well known that Tall, Jewish, Canadian, Left-Handed, Adopted Men make the best lovers, check out this month's New England Journal of Medicine for full results from their survey.

    • Super Troopers NHL Primer

      13 years ago


      Now Playing - The Hockey Song by Stompin' Tom Connors

      I've seen this done before, and I wanted to try my hand at it. Using one of the best movies to come along in a while, Super Troopers, I've prepared a primer to get all of you folks ready for the new nhl season starting on wednesday night.
      The schnozberries taste like schnozberries To the Washington Capitals... what you see is what you get, and aside from the duo of Alex Ovechkin and Jeff Friesen, and the steady goalending of Olaf Kolzig, there's isn't much to get from this team.
      I'm gonna need that 130 bucks... when you get a chance from the NHL to the NHL fans. With linkage being the new keyword to define payrolls, the league is going to need strong ticket sales in addition to good tv and licensing deals if the cap is going to even remain the same as it is this year. If there's a season to see a game, this is it.
      I am all that is man To Mario Lemieux; You've got proven players on your team now, and you can trade on of them for goalie if you need it. You have a player who should remind you of you, back when you were the savior of the Penguins franchise. Go out there and win and get a new arena in Pittsburgh.
      Grow a goddamn moustache, won't ya? To The Kids. Crosby, Richards, Carter, Steen, Ovechkin and the rest of the guys younger than me in the league's double-cohort rookie class this year. It'll be very interesting to see what some benches look like come the second round of the playoffs.
      Alright, meow, where were we? To those southern cats, the Florida Panthers. Adding Roberts and Nieuwendyk will really help with the maturation of guys like Jay Bouwmeester and Stephen Weiss, who haven't had anyone on the team in recent years to show them how to play the game. Wonder how many guys will take up Roberts' fitness plan.
      "Sorry about the de-lousing" "That was powdered sugar" To the Calragy Flames, to whom life in hockey is very sweet indeed. Adding Tony Amonte and Daymond Langkow to a lineup that was already good enough to be within one goal of winning at all, and have the Next Big Hitter on the blueline in Dion Phaneuf, they're my pick to win it all this season.
      Oh, he's bulgy like a moose To Kieth Tkachuk, who was suspended from the St. Louis Blues for enjoying the season off a little too much and failed his physical. Hopefully for the mediocre-looking Blues, Tkachuk can put up as many goals as he has pounds to lose.
      And that was the second time I had crabs To the Injury-ridden Los Angeles Kings. For the past two seasons before the lockout, the Kings had everything to contend in the West. Unfortunately, they didn't have all the pieces healthy for even a quarter of their games.
      It is time to stop now, Mac To Philly Flyers GM Bob Clarke. Hey Bob, we get it, you've managed to scoop in and grab some of the best (Forsberg, Jeff Carter, and Chris Therien) and one of the most obsolete (Derian Hatcher) players avaible when the free-agent frenzy came. If this team doesn't win and win early, Clarke's head may be very quick to roll.
      Look kid, on any other day, I'd step in there and show you how to swing To the Montreal Canadiens. With 6 rookies on the starting roster, now is the time for Saku Koivu to be as much of a captain off the ice as he is on it. Koivu will need Sheldon Souray's help to keep the rookies inline and on the edge.
      I'll believe that when my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert To me, because my pick to finish second in the Western Conference? Nashville. Behind the all-star goaltending of Tomas Vokoun, and with Steve Sullivan and Paul Kariya on board (exactly the kind of players supposed to succeed in the new NHL), the Predators could be the sleeper team this year. Add in Yanic Perreault and you have a team that can score, play solidly and has one of the most underrated defense cops in the league.
      Embarassed like back in '77 when you got caught fucking your cousin To Daniel Alfredsson. He's made public predictions before that his team can win the cup, and with Dom Hasek healthy, that is indeed a possibility, but if he opens his mouth only to watch his team fall short, maybe he might learn to keep it closed.
      Tag 'em and bag 'em To the Toronto Maple Leafs. Their yearly reclamation projects are now about as high profile risk/reward as they come. If either Jason Allison or Eric Lindros flop, no big deal, but if both succumb to injuries or rust, the Leafs chances at making the playoffs, already a 50/50 shot fall dramatically. Hopefully Mariusz Czerkawski and Jeff O'Neill can make people forget how tenuous Allison and Lindros' health really is.
      "How're you feling there, Mac?" "Good enough to fuck your mother!" To the Tampa Bay Lightning. Still my pick to come out ahead in the Eas, it must be good for the Bolts to not to have to worry about the championship hangover. Granted, Khabibulin is gone, but with their skill on every forward line, all any Lightning goalie has to do this year is simply not screw up too badly.
      And in my day, we used blanks To the Carolina Hurricanes... even with Cory Stillman, this team sorely needs offense and fast.

      Well, that's about it for me, hope you enjoyed it.

    • How To Make A Jew Mad

      13 years ago


      Now Playing - The Brews by NoFx "Cause Hey! We're the 'brews/Sporting anti-swastika tattoos!"

      Now, for those of you that know me know I really take race/religion/skin colour/sexual orientation and try to have fun with all of them because honestly, if you can't take a step back and look at whatever group you belong to and laugh, well then I really won't talk to you so it's a moot point.

      Tonight is Rosh Hashanah (Head of the Year in hebrew) aka jewish new years. It's a time when families come together and really have a good time. It's a very festive time, one of my favourite traditions is to dip an apple (apples being the sweetest fruit available in Israel at the time) in honey tonight to have a sweet new year. Sure I may not practice, but I'll be damned if I didn't buy a bag of apples and some honey specifically so I could do that.

      On to the title of my journal... look, you won't get it. I'm cool with that, Christians are a mystery to me (So on Easter, Jesus came back to life as a rabbit who hides chocolate eggs?). So if you don't understand, feel free to ask, and DON'T make assumptions based on what you've seen in tv or movies. I mean, if I tried to learn about any group based on the way they're portrayed in media today, I'd probably get my ass kicked by the group in question (except the Tibetans because well... they're too far away).

      I had thanksgiving dinner with my girlfriends' family last year and her aunt who'd never met a jew before I'm betting (Not her fault, she did live in Pickering) actually asked me if I'd ever eaten turkey before. Now, the question was asked with an honest sense of curiosity (and my girlfriend at the time threatened to withhold sex if I misbehaved) so I just speared it with my fork and held it up to the light grunting out like a caveman "TUR-key?" A good laugh was had by all, them by the amusing Heeb, me by the fact someone would actually ask me that.

      In conclusion, if you have a question, go ahead feel free to ask me (hmmm, could Ask A Jew be a good journal idea?). Please, I beg of you, don't say something like "Yeah, but on this episode of Frasier..." Really, you just look an idiot.

      So that's all for me, Shana Tova, everyone (That's Happy New Year... everyone). I'm working on a really special journal for tomorrow that I'll have up later in the day after Rosh Hashanah lunch with my dear old dad.

    • Worst Song Lyric... ever!!

      14 years ago


      Now, for those of you who know me, you know I'm not always in a punk state of mind, and indeed, I have the ability to both get down or funky... often at the same time!

      Listening to a couple of Outkast songs this fine morning, I realized I'd never actually listened to the words, and when I had, I wasn't sure that I heard what I'd thought I'd heard a second listen of So Fresh, So Clean, there it was;

      I love who you are I love who ya ain't you're so Anne Frank
      Let's hit the attic to hide out for bout two weeks

      If I could express my feelings in a three letter colloquialism, that would be; WTF?? I had no idea Andre and Big Boi found 15 year old holocaust victims so sexy. I'll be honest, I don't have the damndest clue what in the hell that lyric even means, I have no recollection of hiding from the germans was a particularly fun time.

      Perhaps it's Outkast is making an Outreach, symbolizing that, they, too would have had to hide in attic in the netherlands during those troubled times. They're saying that jews and blacks should get along better and create a world where nobody fears religious or racial persecution. You know,. this last paragraph is so full of BS I don't even buy it.

      Outkast, perhaps musical geniuses... perhaps idiots.

    • More...!

      14 years ago


      Well, I knid of thought I wouldn't be able to fill up a whole journal, and I've got more in he journal right before this one... so please, read both and enjoy.

      - Now, I’ll tell you a bit about myself, I am an only child, adopted, and my folks got divorced just as I was moving into university, I don’t know what took them so long, because they’d been fighting ever since I can remember, I guess they were hoping I’d pick up a crack habit and I wouldn’t notice that my dad and I were living in another house… I always feel sad for disappointing my folks on that one.
      - I’ll talk about the aftermath of that divorce for a bit… putting two swinging good looking guys like my dad and I in the same house as they both start dating again… I never thought I’d have to tie a sock on my door at home… but I hope that my dad learned something from one of m exes who was very vocal… and she loved telling me exactly what she wanted “Bite my ass and ride my side saddle, big boy!†I just hope he never tried that because he’s in his mid 50’s… he might strain something.
      - Actually, this is pretty funny, my girlfriend spent the night with me when I was still living at home, and I shit you not when I woke up in the morning, there was a little note slipped under the door in my dad’s handwriting that said “Make breakfast for three, please.†That smooth operator! I had a little chat about pre-marital sex with my dad, though, and to show you the cool kind of guy he is, after massaging his temples for the moment, he just looks at me and smiles “Well, not if it’s going to hold up the ceremony.†Damn, my dad is cool.
      - I’d like to get off the dirty stuff for a while and talk about a couple of other things that interest me… by applause, how many of you believe in aliens? I do, and I’ll tell you why, I was raised jewish. Now you might wonder what the two have to do with one another, and it’s simple, Aliens are God. I can’t prove it logically, so I’ll use quotes from the bible. God created the earth in 7 days, right? There was no sun or moon until day 3! How could the first two even be days? My theory is that aliens did it and are just trying to screw with people… it also explains the anal probing.
      - Another thing is prayer, I now pray to aliens, and you know what, Grobek from Zantar 4 actually takes the time to visit from time to time, and he always bakes cookies when he does… god never made me cookies.
      - For a while, I was actually pretty bitter about judiasm, until I got to university… then everyone was thanking me for getting extra days off, I’m serious, I got calls from gentile friends asking me for real Hebrew words so they could make up holidays, too.
      - My friends… what a group, man, some are cool, but others, the kind I’ve grown up with… well, some of my oldest buddies are kind of ignorant. I mean, does anyone remember when the Queen was here and she dropped the puck at a hockey game in Vancouver with Wayne Gretzky. Well, we were watching that at the time and he looks at the tv and asks “Hey, who’s the chick with Gretzky, his mom?†And we just looked at him and just thought about playing along “Nah, she’s not his mom†“Well, who is she then… die she win a contest? I mean, she looks a bit overdressed, I guess she’ll have a cool story about meeting Gretzky, though.†At that, you just have to get mad “Dude! Take out a coin… look at the back, look familiar?†Oh, yeah, I see it now, pretty shitty, though, letting the queen win a contest.â€Â

    • Comedy, finally!

      14 years ago


      Well, I said I'd post this up yesterday, but it's been alot harder than I thought to turn the way I talk into something that's halfway effective to read on a computer screen. I gave it my best shot, and some things worked out well, while some did not... I included as much as I could fit in a journal, though. Some of you might be offended by it... but truthfully, tell someone else if you think I'm an asshole.

      I feel myself getting older, and I’m at the point in my life that things don’t go as well as they used to… keg stands, acid trips, running for buses… you know, it’s always the crazy shit that goes first.
      I’m living in my first house right now and you have all these things you don’t think about, like… on my remote, I can’t control the tv volume, so if I’m watching tv from 9 at night on a Friday until 1 am, my landlord puts his kids to bed sometime… and around 10:30, I start thinking my tv is too loud, so instead of getting up and lowering it, I flip around until I find a quiet show and watch that until the fake porn movie comes on City
      What I like about CityTv is that they’ve got Mark Dailey who does the voice over… now you know Mark Dailey; CityTv… Everywhere… yeah, that’s his voice, now he has a great voice for the disclaimer for an action movie: Viewer discretion is advised as some scenes contain violence and lots of shit blowing up, but when he does the disclaimer for the dirty shows, though, he just sounds different: This program contains Nudity, Sexuality (On a side note, nudity without sexuality is kind of boring, if you’ve seen Naked News, you know what I mean)… and adult situations… you filthy pig. Now Showcase does it right, I have no idea what her name is, but she’s got the real sex kitten voice; :This program contains nudity, sexuality.. and ummm oh yeah, touch me right there†I mean, that gets you in the mood before the movie even starts.
      - Speaking of one of my favourite subjects… porn, that is, for you not paying attention, never NEVER watch porn with your girlfriend… well, you can, but only if two people are involved… guy-girl is ok, girl-girl is better… but let’s face it, add one more person and things get complicated… if you watch 2 girls one guy, she’s already mad at you because she thinks you’re thinking about which one of her friends would be best to bring in on it (and she’s right to be thinking about that, you suave dog, you)… if it’s two guys one girl, you look over and watch her… and think she’s a whore if she even shows any hint of interest at all… that’s the truth though, isn’t, eh.. you think your girlfriend is a slut for thinking about two guys at once… yet because you’re thinking about her and a sibling to be named later, you’re a stud.
      - So, I don’t have a lot to do most days, so I read Cosmo… and every month they seem to have all these new things about how to please a man… the magazine is older than I am, how can they not have printed new things every month? I mean, I like to think I’m a sophisticated guy, I read books, like some classical music, but yet, the things a woman can do to please me… 1. cook, now I can cook a bit for myself, but once I tried to make tuna on toast and wound up in the burn unit with mayo in my hair and bread crusts up my nose… of course, I’m better now, but I’m a man, and therefore LAZY… I’m not opening more than one can for my dinner. 2. I think the most obvious one here… clean… now again, I’m no slob, but I clean for my girlfriend before she comes over, and when she comes by, she gets mad… ‘what, you thought I wanted to slum with you?’ There are just things I don’t see that she does… It’s not like I have dust bunnies the size of actual rabbits here, I mean a stain of milk on a glass… that’s in the goddamn sink! Oh right, the last thing is fuck me until I can’t walk… so that’s it folks, 3 things… ladies if that magazine is telling you to do something fancy you don’t really want to do to please him, forget learning how to perfect the Korean Spine Cruncher… but a sandwich might be nice instead.
      - Just to get quickly back to porn, you can’t watch anything good with your significant other… really, you just can’t do it. Now, of course when I say good, I mean anything you haven’t seen at least a couple of dozen times… if you’re watching porn… no matter if the guy or girl introduces it into the relationship… it has to be old, the kind where you know exactly what’s coming… you know, I think I’ll ignore the obvious joke there, but my point is that at some point, one of you is going to look over and say the four words that kill EVERYTHING; What Are You Thinking? And I’ll tell you, you have to be ready for that question, yes, you too, ladies. You’ve got to have answers prepared beforehand, otherwise you end up giving an answer just a bit close to the truth and when I say both of you, I do mean you ladies, because you might slip up and say “God, I wish your tongue did that†.. actually, that answer might apply to both sexes on that one, Now, listen closely, and I’ll let you in on a secret about how to make your own porno movie. Watch one with your lover and wait for that question, pretend to really be thinking and look closely at the screen, then back with a sexy look in your eyes and answer “I’m thinking we could do a lot better.. and hey, guess what, I just happen to have the charged camcorder batteries here, what do you say we give it a try, honey†..and well, if that doesn’t work, just touch yourself and call it a day.

    • Boredom and Lenny the mouse

      14 years ago


      Well, I'm wide awake at the moment and incredibly bored, so I'm trying to find people I haven't spoken to much and talk to them... It Could Be You!

      Lenny was set free early this afternoon, I took him in a box and walked to a park about 5-6 blocks away from my house and let him go to frolic. It was nice letting him go, but when I first caught him, it really took a long time to get him out of that glue trap. My landlord caught him in a glue trap, and it was stuck to his two back legs... I was able to catch him because he was dragging that thing behind him all the way.

      I hope he gets lots of mouse action... I just hope his descendants stay the hell away from my house.

  • Comments (149)

  • Questions

    No questions have been answered yet