from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

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    • I can't do it

      14 years ago


      I wanted to, really, I did.. I was ready to unleash grievous bodily harm that would have ended in death,just the way my landlord wants.

      I can't do it.

      I mean, I caught him well enough, it's easy when you're bigger, stronger and smarter. I hear him squeak in the little box I placed him in for the time being (I've decided it will not be his coffin), and I can't do it.

      He's about the size of my pinky (but fatter) and he's a light brown colour, not like the ones you see on the subway that are covered in soot. I'm supposed to kill him... but I can't do it. To be honest, I don't want to give him to my landlord who'll kill him.

      My landlord first told me a couple of weeks ago that he saw a mouse... I told him that kind of sucks, but I haven't seen any proof... probably because I don't leave food sitting around. I may not do my dishe all that often, but I clean up, damnit!

      I'm not sure if the whole not killing thing comes from a benevolence in the way that I also won't hit kids (especially not after that last court case), but as I've said, I can't do it. Perhaps I'm just a big pus- nah, if I was, then I would've eaten him.

      But he's just so cute, I fed him cheese and called him Lenny (Of Mice and Men). I mean, I still want him out of my apartment, but I can';t kill him or cause him to get killd by... well, starving him to death.

    • Best... Comment.. Ever!

      14 years ago


      So, I'm usually really proud of the comments that I've gotten, but Elnea has taken the prize for best comment I will ever get, I shall repeat it here;

      ROFLMAO... So you are saying that the men all got together when women got the vote and decided to not play games?

      "Horace, I say we wash our hands of the fairer sex, as their right to vote shall certainly make them less worthy of our attentions!"

      "Why, I couldn't agree with you more, Charles. Now, what say you we take our Model T to the speakeasy and find some women of easy virtue who are uninterested in legal representation?"

      "Jolly good!"


      ...Or ... oh no.... are you saying that women all decided to play games once they got the vote?

      Who told you?!

      Darn it! We all made a solemn promise back at that meeting in 1920 (1917 in Canada), that now that we would be able to vote, own land, get divorced and not put up with our husbands and fathers beating and raping us to death, that now we would all start messing with your heads. And we wouldn't tell any of you!!!

      Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday:

      "I would like to call this meeting to order."

      "Madame Chairwoman, I would like to put a motion on the floor that if a man says he is interested in me, I shall play hard to get!"

      "Here, here!"

      "Furthermore, I will make him buy me an expensive dinner, start making out, and then tell him I love his roommate!"

      "Here, here!"

      ""Madame Chairwoman, although the delegate from Pennsylvania has made many fine points, what about the entire issue of stringing one man along whilst pursuing new male interests!"

      "I would like to point out to my colleague from Georgia that we have already made that a point under our motion to 'Pretend we are lesbians to get men to like us and then later taunt their masculinity in front of their co-workers'."

      "The delegates will be seated as we take a brief recess to re-do our make-up and prance around on the sidewalk to get men to look at us even though we have no intention of giving them our affections."

      "Here! Here!"

      "Then we will all pretend to be lesbians!"


      Ah, that was a fine meeting. Later, we all put on flapper dresses and watched vaudeville.

      I mean... how did she know I love flapper dresses?

    • The Hosts Perspective

      14 years ago


      Well, I thought that for my next journal, I'd give you guys a bit of a unique look into what was really going on at the RVBTO event, the view from behind the podium.

      I was excited for this, as my American crew and I were walking to Ryerson, I was on a cloud... to think, I was going to get to tell a few hundred people some jokes before Gus and Burnie could get to them. I'm not usually the kind of guy who really likes a whole lot of attention, but I love making people laugh, and the oppourtunity to do that on a grand scale just sounded too irresistable to me.

      What most of you guys don't know is that I cut about 10-12 minutes of material from 'my' portion of the event. I had alot of written material and a few ideas to ad-lib with in my head, but because we got started late and HAD to be out of there at 9 pm, so the first thing to get cut was the least important stuff; mine.

      Standing there and feling the first rush when I said 'Hello Toronto!' was incredible, although, had I known who was coming from where, I probably should have said Hi, America.

      Now, I'm neither the biggest nor the most attention whore-y on the site, but to know that everyone was paying attention to me, at least for a litle bit, felt really good, although I felt like my eyes kept dancing all around the room.

      Sadly, even with the material that I had to cut out, we still needed to shorten the third break to less than 4 minutes, just to give us time to set up everything for the Q & A. Alot of people have made posts talking about the questions I was given on the cards, and the simple truth is... it's all Lukie's fault, I had no idea what questions I was going to get, she did the screening, and if you thought the ones I asked were bad, imagine how bad the other ones were. Once things got opened up to the floor, it went alot better.

      Having met so many people in the past days has got my brain acting funny. I have regular names and internet names as first and last. For example, the man known as Larith has now, in my mind become Jim Larith, Microbe is Joe from the infamous Toronto Microbe Clan and so on.

      Once again, thanks to everyone who came and everyone who put the event together, you couldn't have given a big, intelligent, borderline not too goofy looking guy a better job, and I enjoyed every second of it.

    • Ruminations on RvBTO

      14 years ago


      To everyone who came out to the event yesterday and had fun... thank you. We set out to have a great event, and on that, I think we delivered.

      To everyone who bet on myself or Gus in the drinking contest... Sorry. It has been agreed that round two will take place on Gus' home turf, so right now I'm going to raise money to get my big sober ass down to Austin.

      Top everyone from the RvBTO Crew... you guys did it. you put on a hell of an event and it went off without a hitch. I meant it when I sai d that I really didn't do shit, it was all because of you guys, ypou rock and we'l do this again next year.

      Gus and Burnie; Thank you, thank you for making a series that people are so passionate about that they'll come acoss the country just to see a little fan-un vent. Thank you for being gracious enough to help our event really work.

      Gus - You have my respect as a drinker, and that is a heady compliment indeed. We'll see who wins round 2.

      To the girls Gus and I got shut out by... you could have broken the tie, because I think had one of us hooked up, they should have been declared the winner. Sadly, this did not happen.

      Again, thanks everyone, for making this a great event, and especially those who took the time to thank me personally... I really didn't do much, but I appreciate that you like what I did.

      In conclusion... wahoo.

    • How To Get Girls!!

      14 years ago


      I think the best thing I ever did for my blog was this 3-part opus on How To Get Girls. It got alot of positive responses, and here it is, all three parts... enjoy.

      "John..." My friends (male and female alike) have asked me "... How come all of your girlfriends have been at least an 8 on the hotness scale and yet are only a 6 at best?"
      This is a very good question and the shortest, most honest answer is... I have no godly idea, but if that was the truth, this post would be over now. Instead, I have come to enlighten and entertain and provide some handy information for those on the quest to find at the very least a Ms. Right Now.
      Clothes - Now this may simple but it can be very tricky as men have no real idea about clothes. Assuming you're 20, then hopefully you've had at least 3 years experience dressing yourself. Find out what works for you, don't wear what everyone else is wearing, wear what looks good on you. I may not dress to the nines all the time (or at all, quite frankly) but I never look out of step.
      Hand in hand with clothes is your look, is the shape of your head suitable that you can get away with wearing a baseball hat most of the time, thereby saving valuable time not combing your hair? Does your chin work best when clean-shaven, or are you lucky enough to be lazy enough to not shave foe a few days and have it work for you? They say look are very important, but that's a half truth at best, if your looks don't make her drool the way she does over Orlando Bloom, that's alright... just don't scare off the poor girl.
      Personality - Trickier than clothes because there is no real way to 'get' a woman with your personality. You just have to be yourself and hope she's compatible (or at least somewhat agreeable) with it. There are a few basic rules, though, and if you know yourself well enough, then they should be very easy to follow. Accentuate the positives... if you're funny tel alot of jokes, if you're the kind who stumbles over punchlines then don't overextend yourself.
      The hardest thing to learn is to actually listen, and I know that's not really feasable, but you should be able to identify with at least 50% of the words coming out of her mouth, because you are expected to respond with something moderately intelligent.
      The last bit I have to say about personality is know your audience. The girl you just met at a club isn't going to care how well your half-elf cleric held up against orcish hordes, and likewise that cute girl in your art history class might not really be interested in going to that Rammstein concert.
      Well, I know some of you have been waiting for a few days to see part two, and here it is. One question I ask and am asked is how to talk to girls. This can always be tricky, because women are as a rule better talkers than men. This, sadly doesn't mean that we, I mean men as a whole can't just sit back and let women do all the work, no, we will be called upon early and often to keep up a conversation.
      The first real rule of talking to a girl you're interested in and not currently going out with is try to keep it to a minimum. Just like that episode of Seinfeld, you always want to leave them wanting more. Overstaying your welcome in a conversation can be just as bad on the outset as saying 'hey, those are really great breasts" Of course, some might take that as a compliment, but saying that to a girl you just met is more than likely going to get you punched in the eye... no matter how great the boobs in question are.
      For some reason, women really seem to like guys that really aren't all that into them. So in a conversation, try to either flirt outrageously and not put any weight into it, or don't do it all. In my experience, I've found that both, if well played can have the desired results.
      There is a sad truth that some guys simply have no hope and that some conversations were born to die horible painful deaths for both involved. Sadly, not bieng afflicted with this particular problem myself, I'm afraid that I can not offer any help on how to deal with it. My best guess is to simply ask open ended questions and keep her talking about herself all night.
      Ok, now let's say you've managed to land yourself a date with a nice girl willing to put up with your presence for at least a couple of hours... what do you do?? Whee do you go? The answer to all these questions and more lay in the next few paragraphs... read on.
      Firstly, never go to a movie on a first date... that's just like sex in the shower.. sounds nice, but in reality just a flat out bad idea. You don't even get to talk to her and find out if either of you has any deep seated issues that will cause the burgeoning relationship to bust. Of course, it's assumed that there will be some sort of meal involved, so go to a place she likes and pray to god they have something you'll like on the menu, and if they don't, find something half-decent and tough it out... suggest you pick a place for the next time (if there is a next time).
      Now alot of people like to go to clubs, which is great, except, well... let's face it, if you're reading this, you can't dance. The secret is that you don't have to dance... if you've got a sense of rhythm that is equivalent to that of a basic amoeba (like myself) all you have to do is have a drink in one hand and just kind of bounce... if you can't dance, less really is more, Just Trust Me.
      Now say you're lucky enough to not have to go to a dance club, and she wants you to suggest something to do. The best thing I can suggest is a comedy club, which is the best place to learn about a woman without actually having to talk to her. Watch her, see if any jokes make her blush, look at how she laughs, now I don't mean stare, but just, you know... be aware of what she finds funny. It's alot easier to share a couple hours of laughs with someone than it is to spend 2 hours in silence staring at a screen.
      Let's also assume that the plan is to go back to your place after the date. You clean up beforehand, right? WRONG! Women see dirt that we just don't. Of course, you might want to take the obvious crap off the floor (hopefully

    • Best of the Blog, March (part 1)

      14 years ago


      Continuing the countdown of the months my blog was online, here are some of the pealrs of wisdom I came up with in March. Now remember, this is copied and pasted from my blog, so if things sem like that they dart from topic too topic... they do.

      Now, I've tried to refrain from mentioning Terry Schiavo, but I find that there's just something that I have to say. Everyone is trying to do something for her, help her die, help her live, and everything in between. The one thing nobody seems to be willing or able to do is to let this poor woman die in dignity. Nobody should want to know how sunken in her eyes have become or how calm she is.

      I'm always amazed at people who have the same birthday, Tiger Woods, Sandy Koufax and LeBron James, all athletes who have been (or will prove to be in LeBron's case) the most dominant forces in their sport of their era were born on Dec 30th. Makes me think I should have listened a bit closer to that psychic... nah, I've got nothing to worry about, you know who's famous that I share a birthday with? Mischa Freaking Barton... that's right, I share a birthday with the anorexic overacting Marissa Cooper from The OC.

      I've become astounded by turns of events recently. I looked around at the friends I've got and realized that somehow, subtly I have shifted a bit on the cultural scale. From fun loving jock who doesn't take anything seriously to fun loving geek who doesn't take anything seriously. How did this happen to me? I used to beat up the kids who played D&D in my younger days... now I'm a card-carrying member of a Role playing guild (just as a quick note, I don't like D&D, but for purposes of clarity let that stand in as an example of the whole of roleplaying games).

      For those that don't know him, I blame Phil. Phil was a good guy, I thought, drank with him at frosh week, talked about all the hot girls walking around, and then never saw him for a year. I come back to register for courses and all of a sudden there he is with... two girls (!) talking about role playing trying to sign people up at York. The more signatures they get the more funding is available form York, so I signed on to help them out. Phil told me to come to a general meeting, meet and greet sort of thing. Listening to people talk about the games they were going to run, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath... was I actually going to do something like this? What would the dudes from Hamildump think?

      I tried it and it didn't suck. I started hanging out at their office, and it slowly came to me... These geeks are alright people. Despite the fact it looks like I may have to drop out of roleplaying for good, I consider the hours I wasted playing alot more productive than taking another nap.

      Eminem and Munsch!

      Just saw Eminem's new video Mockingbird this afternoon and the word hypocrite brings to mind. For those of you who haven't seen it the video is made up of clips of home videos featureing a pre-fame Slim Shady and his kids. The only part of the lyrics that I can recall hearing are 'tried to hide you from all this.' Guess what, doofus, you don't hide your kids from the abysmal life you've setin front of them by airing every p[art of your dirty laundry in your videos and them feature your kids as some kind of white-out to say you're above it. Grow up and stop hiding behind your kids, your mom and your ex-wife.

      Ahhh, now that I got that rant off my mind, it turns out there is a debate about one of the most famous paintings of all time. Edward Munsch's The Scream is the subjct of controversy among art critics. It seems that people are unable to decide if the man is, in fact screaming, o is covering his ears hearing a scream from elsewhere. There really isn't much to say about this, I always thought he was afraid of something in nature, just outside the frame of the painting, but I'm interested to see what other people think.

    • Best of the Blog, February

      14 years ago


      Well, continuing the goodbye to my old blog and the rise of this one on RvB, here's the best form february.

      I Believe...

      It's been a while since my last update, and for this one, I thought I'd take you all a little deeper into me. Who am I? What do I believe in? The Answers could surprise you.

      I believe political correctness has gone too far; we need to learn to make fun of each other again without care or concern about race, religion, sexual orientation, or midget status.

      I believe that Jesus, Moses and Mohammed aren't special people... I mean, it's all based on the same god, so what's all the fighting about?

      I believe that I am more important than Jesus, Moses and Mohammed... what have they done for anyone lately?

      I believe I can fly.. I just haven't had enough drugs in my system to try it.

      I believe in a woman's choice, but as a guy, I also know I shouldn't even open my mouth about it.

      I believe I should get to kick the heels of people in front of me who walk slowly.

      I believe that people alot dumber than me are making a lot more money than I can ever hope to see. I'm slightly saddened by that thought.

      I believe that if there is a god, he's cool with me.

      I believe that if there are aliens, they're cool with me, too.

      I believe that I may never see the Blue Jays win a championship again. This, too saddens me.

      I believe that odds are, the Leafs and Raptors aren't going to win a championship in my lifetime, either.

      I believe in the strange fact that women out of my league seem to find me strangely attractive (You know who you are).

      I believe that having 5 parents sucks if you don't get at least double the gifts.

      I believe in myself, because if I don't, who will?

      Death has a Dignity All Its' Own

      Surreal day yesterdsay... Going from being a pallbearer at my Great Uncle's funeral to being an invited guest at a friend's wedding. I cannot imagine a stranger dichotomy.

      I've never been a pallbearer before, but being the oldest and biggest grandson on my grandfather's side, I guess there weren't many other people who could do it. Walking with his casket, I remembeed the last time I saw Uncle Maurice, he'd had a few health problems and m father and I visited him in a hospital in New York City. He was in and out of it, but when in, I saw alot of the things that I see in my father and grandfather in him. He wanted me to help him go out hunting for the prettiest nurses in the hospital, and was convinced that I was going to be a big football player.

      He always used to bring something when he came in to visit the family from New York. Just little presents for the grand-nephews, and being the oldest, I always got the coolest one.

      And then there's the wedding, an astonishing size for a man who couldn't look any happier. I doubt I'll never live through another day like that as long as I live.

      Vince Carter and his mom

      Michelle Carter, mother of whiner Vince, said that while still with the team, Carter picked up coach Sam Mitchell and slammed him on a massage table during an altercation. Now, there are a number of reasons I really doubt that this actually happened. Firstly, Vince is so injury-prone that he can barely walk without getting a cramp. At 42, I honestly think Mitchell could whip Vince, who just turned 28, and is technically 'in the prime of his career.'

      Now I don't like Vince, that much is certain, I hate on principle anyone getting paid millions of dollars and then admitting they didn't put in a full effort. I may not be a naturally blessed athlete, but for thousands of dollars, I'd be putting in more efort than Vince does. Vitriolic coach Bobby Knight, one of the best and most ornery coaches in cllege basketball, explained why he wouldn't coach the NBA; "You've got guys making 2 million who can't do anything. I'm in a huddle looking at a guy who maks 2 million and he can't crush a grape." Vince is that guy, although he is making alot more than just 2 million dollars.

      Now, my other problem is the fact that this little tidbit came from Carter's Mother. Knowing a bit about bad parents of sports figures (The Patriarch of the Lindros family comes to mind, yelling at curious kids) I should have seen it coming. Vince is a baby, and he was coddled by both his mother and the Toronto Raptors, and, I'm assuming, the New Jersey Nets. That is nither here nor there, though, the point is that if there was any sort of altercation or fight in the locker room, guess where it should stay? That's right, the locker room. If it comes out, it should come out a day or two later, not when the main player in question has already been traded. Whoever talked to Mrs. Carter was probably just a little bored, looking for a small story to fill in the rest of the sports section. Well, he found one, didn't he.

    • Best of the Blog, January

      14 years ago


      Well, I thought since I'm closing my blog down that I'd let you guys in on what you've missed, and post some of my favourites form every month I'vehad he blog running, here are the january posts;

      How I got the name Nober:

      This is a refresher for people who know and a good story for people who don't. The nickname is pretty unique, and I've got Sanderson for that. See, the summer before grade 5, he went to camp IDon'tRememberWhat. Now, he was on a baseball team there, which was supposed to have been called Barry's Boners; obviously, the counsellors said no dice, but they let this team be known as the Nobers'.

      The beginning of the school year, I am clapped on the back and greeted with the question of "Hey Nober, had a good summer?" Because I was tall and thin at the time, and seemed to look like a penis to all my friends, the name stuck, and there are a number of people who call me that to this day.

      Movies on TV

      I've noticed something on tv... there seem to be alot of disclaimers popping up everywhere. Thankfully I don't live in the Land of the Oppressed and the Home of the FCC, but there seem to be an annoying number of them on now. Now I am (or was, I should say with this admittance) a closet wrestling fan. Now the guys who do the disclaimers for wrestling shows just sound like such wimps "This program may offend some viewers" -that sucks. I want some guy yelling at me "
      Listen panty-waist, this show rocks hard and we kick alot of ass, so if you can't handle that, get a pair or change the channel!" Hell, I think viewership would increase.

      Now for the Chum group of tv channels, Mark Dailey with his deep voice does all the disclaimers, whihc is great for an action movie because you can see him ad-libbing "This movie contains scenes of violence and alot of cool shit blowing up" And with his voice, that would work. Now, for the porn movie they show on friday nights, he just doesn't have the voice for it, it's too manly. "This movie contains scenes of nudity and sexuality - you sick puppy" (on a side note, nudity without sexuality is kind of boring) It sounds like he's trying to make you change to something else for a second.

      Now Showcase, they've got it right, for every movie, no matter what, they have this incredible silky voiced woman. "This movie containc scenes with nudity and sexua- oh yes, right there" I mean, that kind of voice puts me in the mood before the opening credits have rolled.

      Oh Dear God

      I probably shouldn't be ranting on my birthday, but I saw something watching daytime today that made me think about the biblical signs of the apocalypse...

      Ellen DeGeneres has a DJ.

      I hope this is as much a shock to you, dear reader as it is to me. I mean not only because she is whiter than I am, but because this is ELLEN! Now, I actually thought her stand-up was decently funny, but this travesty must be put to an end now. Her DJ doesn't even get to talk, all he does is put on a song for her to dance to. This bothers me, because everyone with a talkshow that has a band or musical director, or whoever... they all let them talk. Even the guy who played the Sax for Emeril got to squeeze a BAM! in now and then.

      Another point to ponder is... what kind fo sellout is this guy? He doesn't do any scratching or create new beats, he just puts on a record, I don't want insult this guy, but he's the human equivalent of a Winamp playlist. I just hope that guy has a real strong underground vibe, but is a struggling artist so he wakes up at 10 AM so he can 'spin' for Ellen. oy

    • Batman Begins, How I Died and More

      14 years ago


      Well, got to see Batman Begins at 12:01 tonight, and WOW it rocked my ass off, I doubt I'll se a better movie this summer, it really was everything I wanted it to be, even Katie Holmes didn't ruin it.

      Now, I said I'd tell the story of how I died, so here it is, gather 'round, kids.

      The summer of 2002 was a tumultuous time in my life. I was working 13 hour days (atcually working, not goofing off... well, most of the time). And in late June, my good friend got married, the first guy from our 'old' group of friends who'd hung out together for a decade. Now, because I helped him find his wife, I was integral to alot ot the proceedings, or at least, they felt I should be.

      For those of you who don't know, for the next six nights after a religious jewish wedding, there are parties, each one 'hosted' by a different group, his family, her friends, etc. I was invited to five of these parties and was burning the candle very brightly at both ends.

      I have a heart condition, it's congenital and it's most likely what's going to kill me when I'm 70 (less than 50 years to go... damn) Anyways, from the stress of work and the life of the party, this condition developed into something more serious, arhythmia (the spelling is close enough).

      I felt something go funny in my arm at work and my chest felt bad, I called my cardiologist (how many 19 year old's have a cardiologist?) and told her I was feeling funny, I came in that night and she told me what was going on. She put me on blood thinner meication for a little while and when I came back, she knocked me out, zapped my heart, made sure it had stopped, then zapped (CLEAR!) it again to re-boot it, so to speak,

      The time in between, I was clinically dead for 16 seconds. No I don't remember seeing anything, I was knocked out anyways, so don't ask.

    • Memorial Cup

      in Forums > Memorial Cup | Follow this topic


      Well, the best hockey tournament in Canada is back again, and I'm curious to know if anyone else follows the CHL... any predictions.. who's going to take it this year?

      I'd love to see Brian Kilrea win it again with the 67's, but they didn't beat London in the OHL final and I don't think they can beat Rimouski either.

      I'm VERY interested to see how Sidney Crosby will do against the Kelowna Rockets, because the Whl does seem to have alot tougher style of game than you see played in the Q. There are going to be brawls in that game, I guarantee it.

      All in all, though, nobody really did it in the regular season or OHL playoffs, but I just can't see any team beating the London Knights, they're just too good, but in a short tourny like this, anything can happen.

      11 replies

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