Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

31 years old
Not Specified
from Odense, Denmark

  • Activity

    • 3 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking
    • 3 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking
    • ​On feeling down​

      3 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking

      I have had quite a good few weeks, and now comes the (what my experiences had taught me) inevitable feeling down period. Previous times I have fought it, as I was scared it meant I was not getting better or somehow had become more depressed. However, I had a think today, is it something to be scared off? Is it maybe just part of how I work? Seemingly, every time I sit down and think and feel about me I get a better understanding of just how I work. One of my biggest issues is that I tend to see things in dualistic manner. Either it is hot or cold, it cannot be anywhere in between. That has been something I work on constantly, as it pertains to almost every aspect of my life. Cleaning up my apartment? I have to clean it completely; I cannot just do the dishes or tidy up all my various things I have no room for. I now sit and think about being down the same way, maybe I can be just “a bit down”. But why am I down? Currently it is mostly because of a lack of energy, both physically and mentally. When that happens I tend to see things in the worst way possible, getting sad that I cannot find the concentration to watch a movie or play a game. That starts spiralling pattern of negative thoughts; you’re not going to get better, you suck, you’re worthless, why are you even trying. But as I sit and write this, I am realising that I should accept the fact I am tired and I should know from experience what accompanies me when I am tired. I should not let it get me down, I need to accept that, this is the way I feel currently and act appropriately. So what is the right way of handling it? I think that is what I need to figure out, to use it positively. Maybe it is doing what I am doing now, use my thousands of thoughts whizzing around in my head in a positive manner. Sit down and look at them, as they are, just thoughts in my head. All with some truths to them, but never the entire truth. Instead of being annoyed at my lack of concentration, just enjoy for how long I can concentrate on something, be it five, 15 or 30 minutes.


      And that is what I am going to do now, enjoy the fact I could find the concentration to write these thoughts down.

    • 4 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking
    • 4 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking
    • Egotism - Not all bad

      4 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking

      Decided it was time for another journal. I have had a subject in mind for quite a while, but sitting down and just writing it have been a “maybe laterâ€-thing for a while.

      Selfishness and egotism is not bad words in my opinion. For me they are quite an important aspect of my life. After being through one depression and currently in my second one, I have learned the importance of putting myself first. You always tend to associate being selfish as someone that never want to help other people and generally, it has a negative connotation. In my therapy and experience, it does not have to be a negative thing.

      I enjoy helping people and I would like to think that people see me as a very helpful person always ready to help people if they have a problem they cannot solve. Not something, you normally would expect from a person that sees himself as selfish. This leads me to the point in this train of thought.

      I have accepted that for me to be able to help other people, I have to put myself first. I must make sure that I am okay, else how can I mental surplus to help other people? By putting yourself first, you are certain that you are always able to be there for people to help.

      The words of wisdom from me is: Focus on yourself so you can help other people.

      P.S. 3 years on the site Woo!

    • 4 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking
    • The Hobbit 3

      4 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking

      1/6

      To sum it up nicely, it is bad. Like really bad. I don't think I've ever seen such a bad movie. The HFR makes it look like a bunch of LARP'ers running around in New Zealand.

      Yea, I just want to forget that movie. I do not recommend anybody to go watch it.

    • Thoughts – A two-part thing

      4 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking

      I think a lot if I do not sleep at night. Which can be great sometimes, especially when it comes to problem that needs solving as my brain always seems to find the peace and quiet to work at night. Something I think comes from the fact that nobody expects you to do anything at night, so my brain is not feeling guilty of not doing some "real'. Which leads me to one part of my two-part.

      When I started thinking and planning this thing, I immediately got discouraged. Because in my mind it would have to be a giant piece of text, because that is my expectation of a good journal/blog/or whatever this is. Then I started thinking, why do I think that, where does that expectation come from? In my life, I have never experience any pressure or expectations from my parents. They have always asked me are you happy with what you have done? So I have become great at lying to myself. Because I was not pleased with my average grades, or my average performance in something. Because it was the easy way out, I always said yes, and in time, I have come to believe in that myself. Therefore, I have created some sort of expectation myself that I have not always been aware of, that has created twinge of guilt every time I have half arsed something I could have done a lot better. There was never anybody (whose opinion mattered to me) to be disappointed in me, so I felt that I had free pass of sorts to just do alright. However, that has been on the surface, deep below the surface buried among the rubbles from the place that once held my feelings is that expectation and guilt of not doing what you really could do. I have learned now that if you try to bury anything it never ends well. It always comes back in some sort of scary mutated version just ready to make your life miserable. For me it has been the fact that I would always think about voluntary things: "Why do this if I am not going to make it a masterpiece. ' There is that monster, instead of just trying to do something and seeing how it would end up, accepting that it will require a few iterations and finding the working parts. I would expect myself to be able to make something perfect in my first try, which I knew I could not do so why even bother.

      That was part one of my late night thoughts. It was born from thought that I might as well not bother with writing of what is to be part two. With those thoughts somewhat clearer in my mind, let me give a stab at part two.

      These thought are something well known to me and I would imagine at least everybody that has had some sort depression, be it the mood or the mental disorder. Would it not be nice just not to be here anymore, not having to deal with anything anymore. Be free. These are not suicidal thoughts for me anymore to be technically. When I was at my lowest I realised that I did not like what my suicide would do to the people I loved. Yes, my existence would be over, I would not have to deal with anything anymore. I would still be here; my footprint would still be here. The people I have known and influenced in some way be it minor or major, all the things good or bad I have done. I would still have existed; I would rather suffer myself than to affect anybody with a selfish act as suicide is. No, now I always think about how freeing it would be to just delete myself out of existence. That would be freeing and not hurt anybody, because nobody would never had known me.

      Anyways these are the thoughts that goes through my mind late at night.

    • 4 years ago

      Blehninja Danish Viking
  • Comments (25)

    • kboy21 Probably a Shark

      3 years ago

      Happy FU Mayne!

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        3 years ago

        Thanks!

    • Justine SponsorChat doll

      4 years ago

      did you put it on imgur?! I wants it.

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        Anytime!

      • Justine SponsorChat doll

        4 years ago

        oh i didn't see it. thanks!

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        Yea, sent it to you in a PM as well! i.imgur.com/iKz3oMj.gif But here take it again!

    • Justine SponsorChat doll

      4 years ago

      "Diplomatic passport is bluuuuuuuuuUUUUUEeeee"

    • thecia DOMINATOR

      4 years ago

      i stalk your comments

      • thecia DOMINATOR

        4 years ago

        muwahahhahaha

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

    • MrJacinto Hey I'm Grump

      4 years ago

      Hey buddy, oh my lanta you have a beard!

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        Just spreading the wise words of the beards!

        www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmFnarFSj_U

      • MrJacinto Hey I'm Grump

        4 years ago

        Oh! Whoa, look at the balls on this guy, eh?
        giphy.gif

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your penis.

      • MrJacinto Hey I'm Grump

        4 years ago

        Yes, well unfortunately I have shaved mine. An outrage, I know.

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        Well thank you good sir! Likewise I must add!

    • megara811 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      4 years ago

      Happy Birthday!!

      • megara811 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

        4 years ago

        No problem!

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        Thank you! <3

    • Elyessi RTX Press

      4 years ago

      Happy Birthday!

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        Thanks! <3

    • Maiu

      4 years ago

      Happy birthday!

      • Blehninja FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Danish Viking

        4 years ago

        Thank you! <3

    • AnneLydolf

      5 years ago

      #NordicTakeover

    • preston

      7 years ago

      Welcome to the site! smiley0.gif If you ever need any help, just send me a friend request and message and I will help you whenever you need it! smiley13.gif

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