from Lakeville, MN

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    • Nothing better to do? Read this.

      13 years ago


      I have returned with yet another fun article from the Bathroon Reader Institute, or BRI for short. I had a d=hard time deciding what to post, so I went with something short and simple. Bumper stickers. These are real bumper stickers sighted across this great country of ours.

      smiley9.gif "As long as there are tests, There will be prayer in school."

      smiley9.gif "Forget about world peace..... Visualize using your turn signal!"

      smiley9.gif "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."

      smiley9.gif "I are illeterate and I vote."

      smiley9.gif "So many cats, so few recipes."

      smiley9.gif "There's no such thing as a bumb blonde." (seen placed upside down on the bumper)

      smiley9.gif " Jesus is coming... everyone look busy." (a classic)

      smiley9.gif "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

      smiley9.gif "Out of my mind.... back in 5 minutes."

      smiley9.gif "VEGETARIAN: Indian word for 'Lousy Hunter'."

      smiley9.gif "Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it." (also popular on t-shirts)

      smiley9.gif "Please don't make me kill you."

      smiley9.gif "Meandering to a different drummer."

      smiley9.gif "I drive way to fast to worry about cholesterol."

      smiley9.gif "Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."

      smiley9.gif "You are depriving some poor village of it's idiot." smiley12.gif

      smiley9.gif "Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film."

      smiley9.gif "Why am I the only person on Earth who knows how to drive?"

      smiley9.gif "Don't like me driving? Then quit watching me."

      And finally....

      smiley9.gif "I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you."

      And that wraps up this little session of me doing alot more typing than I should be. Tune in next time, to see what lame one liners I find.

    • Because I'm bored....

      13 years ago


      More 'wisdom' from the Bathroom Reader. This time epitaphs.

      Seen in Oxfordshire, England:
      Here lies the body of John Eldred,
      At least he will be here when he is dead.
      But now at this time, he is alive,
      The 14th of August, 1765.

      Seen in Plymouth, Mass.:
      Here lies the bones of Richard Lawton,
      Whose death, alas! was strangely brought on.
      Trying his corns one day to mow off,
      His razor slipped and cut his toe off.
      His toe, or rather, what it grew to,
      An inflammation quickly flew too.
      Which took, Alas to mortifying,
      And was the cause of Richards dying.

      Seen in Luton, England:
      Here lies the body of Thomas Proctor,
      Who lived and died without a doctor.

      Seen in Shrewsbury, England:
      Here lies the body of Martha Dias,
      Who was always uneasy, and not over-pious;
      She lived to the age of three score and ten,
      And gave to the worms what she refused to the men.

      Seen in Marshfield, Vt.:
      Here lies the body of William Jay,
      Who died maintaining his right of way;
      He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
      But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.

      Seen in Lee, Mass.:
      In memory of Mrs. Alpha White, Weight 309 lbs.
      Open Wide ye heavenly gates
      That lead to the heavenly shore;
      Our father suffered in passing through
      And mother weighs much more.

      (Who would put their mothers weight on her headstone? Those kids are assholes.)

      Seen in Putman, Conn.:
      Phineas G. Wright
      Going, But Know Not Where.

      It's nice to be remembered, but I'm not sure this is always the way to do it.

    • Nuggets of wisdom

      13 years ago


      I have decided that I have been hording wisdom and trivia for far too long. I must share with the rest of you. So what I will be doing in the days, weeks, and or months to come is taking the knowledge I have gained from years of reading Uncle John's Bathroom Reader and passing it along to you. I think I have chosen a decent start.

      It's the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's "Annual All Time Best of the Worst Country Song Titles" from Uncle John's Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader. Here goes.

      smiley9.gif "Get your tongue out of my mouth 'cause I'm kissing you goodbye."
      smiley9.gif "You're a cross I can't bear."
      smiley9.gif "Mama get the hammer (there's a fly on papa's head)."
      smiley9.gif "She made toothpicks out of the timber of my heart."
      smiley9.gif "You're the reason our kids are so ugly." smiley12.gif
      smiley9.gif "If fingerprints showed up on skin, Wonder whose I'd find on you."
      smiley9.gif "it ain't love. but it ain't bad."
      smiley9.gif "I've been flushed from the bathroom of your heart."
      smiley9.gif "I'm the only hell mama ever raised."
      smiley9.gif " I got in with at 2 with a 10 and woke up at 10 with a 2."
      smiley9.gif "I don't know wether to come home or go grazy." (Not to be confused with "I don't know wether to kill myself or go bowling.")
      smiley9.gif "If you see me gettin' smaller, it's cause I'm leavin' you."
      smiley9.gif "If heartaches were wine (I'd be drunk all the time)."
      smiley9.gif "If you can't feel it (It ain't there)."
      smiley9.gif "Touch me with more than your hands." smiley8.gif
      smiley9.gif "I got the hungries for you love and I'm waiting in your welfare line."
      smiley9.gif "The last word in lonesome is 'me'."
      smiley9.gif "I'll marry you tomorrow but let's honeymoon tonite."
      smiley9.gif "When we get back to the farm (That's when we really go to town)."
      smiley9.gif "You stuck my heart in an old tin can and shot it off a log."
      smiley9.gif "Why do you believe me when I tell you that I love you, when you know I've been a liar all my life?"

      And finally..

      smiley9.gif "He's been drunk since his wife's gone punk."

      Damn them rednecks can express themselves. Hope at least one or two of these tickle your funny bone. And no, that is not a euphemism for something dirty.

    • Baby pool standing, thus far.

      13 years ago


      Just a quick update of what's been taken. Remember, Moonracer and my choices don't count towards the contest, and there can be two entries per date, so they are still open for actual entries.


    • Here's my contest, enjoy.

      13 years ago


      I have decided to make my contest one that involves me doing very little, which is something I can handle. So without further ado....

      It's a baby pool. That's right, pick a date, if the kid arrives on said date win mods. Simple, no?

      Here's how it's goona work. It's first come first serve. The first to post a date claims it. I will allow up to two entries for a single date (Moonracer and myself excluded) This means there could be up to four winners. Why four? Say two people choose the 4th and two people choose the 6th and the child is born the 5th. If no one has the 5th then the points go to whomever is closest. Thus 4 winners.

      The prize is a simple 50 mods. No other prizes will be awarded. In the case of a tie (two people, same date) the points will be split evenly. I'm hoping this will encourage people to choose unchosen dates.

      I will post a calender showing the entries ever couple days (or every day, if I get ambitious) so that everyone can keep track.

      Here is some info that may or may not help.

      smiley9.gif 1. The expected due date is April 8th.
      smiley9.gif 2. The expected due date is a guess on the doctors part.
      smiley9.gif 3. I was born 2 weeks earlier than expected.

      I hope everyone will join, and maybe get a few new people to join and maybe join my friends list, if they so desire.

      Just to be clear, I am noy charging mods to enter, as I know this would be a violation. This is just a way for me to kill some time and give out a few mods.

      Here's the calender, along my mine and Moonracer's picks, to begin with. I will add as needed.

      Sidenote: I choose April 1st, April Fool's Day, because I believe that it will be a boy and that this will be his first practical joke. The doctors say it's most likely a girl, we'll just see.

    • New contest is coming, I promise.

      13 years ago


      In my 'off time' I have come up weith a much better contest than I originally had. This one will go for over a month and there is no possible way for anyone to cheat. It should be pretty cool. The prize (yes, singular) will be determined by how many mods I have at the time the contest ends.

      I'd give you all a hint, but it really wouldn't do much good. However, keep your eyes peeled, as the first people to enter will have the 'best' chance to win. It's first come, first serve.

    • Nothing major...

      13 years ago


      Just checking in. Melissa (Moonracer) and I have just about finished moving. Got the big stuff, just need the little things we keep forgetting we need.... like a mouse pad.

      As you might have guessed, the internet is up and running, so my week takes a turn for the better. Now if Puppet Master would just ariive, I'd be good for awhile.

      I still won't be on too much, for a few days at least, since I have to work all week and do a little reorganizing of the new place. We'll probably post some picture when we get cleaned up. The best part is, we can probably post them actual size. The place is a bit little. However, for $600 a month I'm not gonna complain too much.

      Also, I'd like to appologize for not commenting on people's journals and images and stuff. There were alot and I just don't have my usual ambition or trademark razor wit for it right now. I'll resume my wiseassery shortly.

      That's all I got for now, until next time...


    • Breaking News

      13 years ago


      I knew I was getting ahead of myself hyping my upcoming contest. New developements have made me postpone the contest, and I have no idea whn I will be able to actually post it.

      I know what you may be thinking, 'But Jay, what could possibly be so important that it would cause you to postpone your super awsome contest?' Well, it's a very good thing.

      Melissa (Moonracer) and I will be moving next week. Not the big move to NC we had talked about, but to the next town. It will mean we will be closer to work and not have to deal with my brothers, both of which live in this town.

      The main problem with this is that it means we will have to switch over our phone service. That means no internet for a few days. How long exactly I don't know, but hopefully it won't be too long. When I get back I'll get that contest going.

      In the meantime, if your jonesing for a silly little contest, check out TCG_Chris's silly little contest. It's not on the same level as JJMcFly's massive hunts, but what is?

      Well everyone...


    • Continuing the trend....

      13 years ago


      Or perhaps jumping on the band wagon, whichever.

      I have decided to have a contest myself. It's gonna be a quiz, the subject matter of which shall remain a mystery for the time being. However I will be throwing everyone a curve ball, which is why I'm giving this warning.

      When the time comes for my little trivia quiz I will be accepting entries in the form of a private message only. Any entries posted in my journal wil be deleted and will NOT be counted. This is an attempt to keep things fair, so no one can just look at previous entries to get all the correct answers.

      The exact date the contest will begin is still to be determined, as I am shooting for 100 mods, and I'm still 7 away. I also need to write the quiz, but that shouldn't take too long. You can probably all expect to see it posted in the next week or so, depending on when I have time off work. I hope to see plenty of entries, I don't plan to make it too difficult, but it won't be a cake walk either. That is all for now.


    • Happy Birthday to... me.

      13 years ago


      Yes, today is my birthday. At 7:11am this morning I officially tiurned 30 years old.

      Does this mean that I will change? Does it mean I will now become an adult and put away childish things? Does it mean I will become mature and worry about weither I am getting enough fiber or not? Somehow, I don't think so.

      What does it mean? It means I am 30 years old. One year older and one year closer to the big dirt nap. Does this bother me? Hell no. The way I look at it death is our final destination, so I'm damn well gonna enjoy the trip.

      It also means, with a child on the way, I will have less time for me. I will spend less time thinking about myself. I will spend less money on crap I don't need. So I guess I will be maturing some, but not enough to care about fiber intake..

      So here, on the big three-oh, I want to say thanks to everyone for making the trip a much better ride. If not for friends and family, what would be the point?


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