DodongoDuster Maethori

37 years old
Not Specified

  • Activity

    • Corrections

      8 months ago

      DodongoDuster apparently I didn't get a raise. The owner misleadingly quoted me a price for my check which included hours I hadn't worked, then gave me a cash advance which I am still paying off with half of this next check(coincidentally my last, as they are now quite forthcoming with the fact that they do not plan on giving me a raise, but they want me to start staying later in the day FOR FREE). Basically they used me to clear their backlog at minimum wage, then gave me the choice of staying at a job I can't afford to keep at that pay, or simply moving on. MOVING ON. They're even taking a week off now that they have plenty of Christmas money and a shop nearly clear of vehicles. On top of that, I need to find a place to stay down in the valley(hopefully) that will allow me to keep my dog. I may only have this next month to find a job, find a place, and move everything, as the house went up for sale rather abruptly. FML


    • New Month

      8 months ago


      Last month say the least. This month is starting off a bit better though. I got a job at an auto shop in Merced, and I just passed their unofficial probationary period, so I got a raise and an official hire. I'm still not sleeping much, but last night I got a couple hours, so that was good. The worst part of it, apart from the mind-fucks, is the drive, and that only because I start falling asleep on the hour 15 minute drive(each way) thanks to lack of sleep, but I've been getting coffee on the way back, so that helps some. 

      I haven't been active here lately, apart from watching a few podcasts and On the Spots, and that isn't likely to change. Not sure how I feel about that to be honest, but this site isn't what I need right now, I need the real world, it's been far too long since I was a part of that. There were a few things that led me to this conclusion, but it's clear now, I've wasted enough time and life, time to live. So if anyone wants to talk to me, unlikely as that is, just message me, I won't be completely gone, I'm just not going to invest so much in this "community". Later everyone.


    • One Year

      10 months ago


      I'm sorry to post another sad, sentimental post, but I really need to talk about this. Please understand, and just skip if uninterested.

      This is a journal I wish I never had to write, one which I knew was coming and snuck up on me the same. One year ago today my dad died He was without a doubt, the most important person in my life. He was always there for me, and I don't mean he gave me money when I needed it, and a ride to the store when I didn't have a vehicle. I mean he called to talk to me, everyday, because he knew nobody else would. 

      He would be the only person I saw for months at a time, that I knew, and he wouldn't just abandon me, even when I was accusing him of the absolute worst my schizophrenic mind could throw at him. Screaming at him because I knew he was sending hand signals to some fucking unseen party who I thought was watching me through the walls of the fucking house, or because he dared to recognize the dangerous amounts of sleeping pills and pharmaceuticals I was taking to combat various symptoms and side effects. And even though he didn't know what to do to help me, he assured me that he was on my side, and he tried his best to bring me to reason.

      And he did all this while fighting his own demons, and his own addictions. His hands had severe nerve and bone damage, sustained from years of work in the construction trade. The doctors ended up cutting a section of bone out and fusing it back together, only to realize later, after over a year of complaints and several x-rays, that they had cut the section out of the wrong bone, and had to redo the surgery. After about 10 years of surgeries and excruciating pain, which they seldom provided prescription pain pills for, he began using heroin to help alleviate it, becoming addicted.

      My dad's last two years were a slow stripping of the man I knew. He was always dope sick, or high, and he had a hard time just taking care of his day to day life. He was always thinking about heroin, and where to get it, and if he could get a little more from this guy if he drove a little farther, but that guy was one of the kind of assholes who liked to make people squirm, so there was a change he could end up waiting in a parking lot for 6 or 7 hours, waiting, waiting, until he became real dope sick, at which point the guy might jack up the price. This had become his life. But he was still there in an instant, if I needed to talk, or to bitch, or to see a friendly face.

      He died in a busy parking lot, just outside The Men's Warehouse, where he had just gone to get fitted for my sister's wedding, in two weeks, where he was meant to walk her down the aisle. He died smoking heroin in a crowded public plaza, and nobody noticed for almost 5 hours. Three days later I had to go and park in that lot, and get sized for his tux, to take his part. I then had to explain to the employees why they had to measure another person for the same tag when they had just written that one out a couple days ago, and it was such and inconvenience, was I sure I needed a different tux? Not a particularly important detail, I know, but an interaction that I can't help but remember, as part of the experience of his death, and the holes he left and people's various reactions.

      I owe my life to him in so many ways, from having me placed under psychiatric hold when I needed it, to forcing me to confront my own addictions and hangups, but in the most literal especially. My mother didn't want to have kids, she was schizophrenic and didn't want to pass on defective genes. I very probably won't have kids of my own, barring some very unlikely circumstances, but I am eternally grateful that he convinced her otherwise, because now my sister has a kid, and she may go on to have kids of her own, and so on. 

      My dad never got to see his offspring have offspring, and we were all under the impression that my sister didn't want kids either. We have other sisters and a brothers, of course, who had kids, who he loved and considered to be his, but from conversations we had when I was still in my 20's I knew he wanted his family line to continue somehow, and still wished I would have a little faith, put some more serious effort into finding someone and getting married and having kids. 

      Its not really that I'm against the idea of having kids, though I would hate to pass on this affliction, and I hate the idea of denying life to spare its various discomforts. He knew that I would never place the burden of me on someone I loved, and ask them to not only sustain me, and be everything that I need, but to accept that there would always be a taint on their family tree because of me. And generations down the road there would be people suffering because I was their father, not someone who's genes could properly build their mind.

      I really am meandering here, and I may end up just erasing this whole post, but my thoughts and feelings on my dad have had a year to simmer, with nobody to talk to about it, no way to express it. I am getting through it though, the hardest lesson my dad taught me was that I don't actually need him to survive, no matter how it hurts, and he's done that over this last year. I guess he's still there for me after all. I really wish that helped.


      Edit: I just reread this and wow, I'm sorry for the pity party guys, I really am. I don't mind sharing but this was more about writing it, than you reading it.

    • Selina Kyle, a memory

      10 months ago


      Well, my dream car is officially gone. I got her when I was 16, she was the very first car I bought myself. In this journal I've been over the history of how she was stolen, and stripped, and how even when I got her back, and took my time breaking her down and building her up,she never came back together fully, but I don't think I ever tried to explain what this car meant to me.

      I was a different person when I got this car. I was social, I wasn't yet schizophrenic, I had a vast, loving family still, which was a cohesive unit, despite hardships. I still believed in guns and government. I still believed in god.

      My choice of car was majorly influenced by my family's tastes. There had been 4 Corvettes in the family on my dad's side, over the last 20 years(at that point), it was the "family car" to me. Yeah it looked good, and as a young mechanic I recognized that it was the pinnacle of automotive technology in its day, but I spent hours talking about, working on, driving these cars.  I knew that when it came to choosing any old rebuildable chevy it was going to be a vette. So I looked around and found one in my price range, from a guy at church, for $500.

      She wasn't running very good, when I got her. I did some routine maintenance, changed the oil, plugs and wires and then I put some miles on her. I drove her on my first date, got a ticket, and then the girl laughed in my face when I tried to talk to her at school the next day. My first and only girlfriend never got to ride in her, despite the fact that we were really good friends well up until the point where I parked her to start the first rebuild. It wasn't that I didn't want her in the car, she was just going out with my best friend at the time, and I was really conflicted about my feelings for her. So I refused to give her rides, I made excuses, and I dreamed of a day when it would be me, her, and the drive.

      I did a lot a dreaming, when it came to this car. I put in a CD player with an aux port, and used my laptop to play mp3's I downloaded from IRC, long before there were IPods or Zunes, before ITunes and even Napster. I spent hours upon hours researching parts and possible upgrades, looking up other cars and deciding what ideas to incorporate into the rebuild.

      And then I reached adulthood, and life came fast. My girlfriend and I grew apart, and split, I lost my uncle 3 days later, who I was living with, and who had put the car under his name while I was a minor. My grandmothers died within the year, then my mother. The car was stolen, the cops wouldn't do anything because it was legally my uncles and he was dead, and nobody could file a stolen vehicle report in his name. And to top it all off I no longer had my mental integrity. As I had always feared, I had inherited schizophrenia from my mom and I was terrified  at the thoughts and voices going through my head, and the violence I was craving.

      It took years and years to sort out my mind, and get serious help, mentally, but I did, and I got on medication, and I was left with a big empty hole in my world. I still had family, but it was scattered and no longer functioning as it should. I had no friends, I was afraid to go out in public, and I had absolutely no purpose in life, no reason to get up in the morning, no work to concentrate on, nobody but my dad even seeming to remember I was alive. I got out the notes I had been slowly compiling and tried to concentrate on building a world that sated my needs.

      Years later, I found Selina again, stripped, broken, empty, like me. I didn't even know if I wanted her back, even though I had spent some 7 or 8 years looking in every backyard, every open garage, every gated lot, everywhere I went. The guy who had it refused to give it back, saying he had paid money for it(to one of the people who used to call me friend) and had a receipt, that he was not going to give it back unless a sheriff demanded it. Frustrated I told him to fuck off, and left it at that. In the end though, he couldn't get it registered without a title, and my dead uncle wasn't in any position to sign it over, so he put it in storage and left it there, stopped paying, after which the storage lot put a lien sale on it for storage owed, making them the legal owners. I ended up buying it again for another $500.

      I started to work on it, and gather parts, and I started to feel like there was still something I loved, something that was mine and that reminded me of happier times. I eventually reconnected with one of my oldest friends, there's a picture in my images folder of Selina, just the frame, all painted up with its new shocks, bushings and springs, sitting on stand up tires, with the body in the background and him standing behind it flipping the camera off. In the 14 years since my uncle died, the number of times I've actually got to hang out with him, is probably 10, and he's my most active friendship. He came out twice to help me with Selina.

      Everything I know about mechanics, I learned from my dad. The number of engines we've changed together and cars we've worked on over the years is, well, high. All the knowledge that it took to strip the car to its very frame, put it in boxes, and then reassemble it correctly came from him, and he spent his fair share of time talking about it with me, praising my accomplishments with it, and generally just sharing how happy I was with it. He never touched it though, he didn't lift one finger to help me pull the engine, or the tranny, or put them back in, or even dial in the carb. It was my car and he left it up to me. If I wanted it to run better, I better work on it. I had all the skills I needed, because he had made sure of that growing up.

      Now he's dead too, and I had a car that was no longer a dream, it was a life. I'm 36, I've had this car over half my life, and I put a lot of time, love and money into it. In the end though, I lost the paperwork and can't get it legal. I wish I had got her roadworthy, I had every intention and I made every effort to get her there, but fate conspired against us. I sold her for $500, for a loss of somewhere around $7000 in parts alone, and the guy picked her up today, she's going down to LA, where he plans to restore her, and thinks he has a clever plot to get the registration straightened out. I wish him the best. 

      But it all boils down to one question. Should I have let Leslie in the car? She was the one and only person I really connected with in this life, and this car is the singularity of my life, but despite their proximity, I don't have the one memory I wished for the most, my girl in my car.


    • Week 24

      11 months ago


      Hey everyone, final update on the garden. I've been cutting them all down over the last month or so, as the buds matured. The candyland all came out pretty good, with about 4 ounces total, maybe a little more. The Nightmare Cookies never really put out any real buds, just a few hairs to indicate that it was flowering. 

      Overall it was an unsatisfactory harvest, I got a couple hundred dollars worth of smoke, but it cost more in seeds and nutrients than it was worth, because they were in 7 gallon pots not planted directly in the soil. I may be able to put in a couple next year, I'm not sure, but if I do I'm not going to get clones from craigslist, I'll go from seed. 

      On the one hand, the buds I did get are pretty damned good, with great taste and real stone. On the other, I lost half my harvest to poor yielding strains, that I didn't know about until it was way too late to replace them, and the rest bloomed 2 months too early. Oh well, it gave me something to do, and the 4 ounces at the end of it all are pretty good.

      So, thats the end of the garden posts for this year, if I grow again next year I'll keep you all up to date. For now, roll another one, just like the other one...


    • Toothache

      11 months ago


      I got a tooth pulled yesterday, a molar that had already had two root canals done on it and a crown. I was pretty anxious for about an hour, and in a LOT of pain, but it wore off, and the pain pills started to kick in and I was able to relax and just recover. I was able to eat today, after about 3 days of nothing, and soup for the 3 days before that. I'm glad it's finally out, though, as it was interfering with my eating every couple weeks or so. So, that sucked.

    • Sheep Shagger Studios

      1 year ago


      Hey everyone, I know I just posted a new project, but this is sort of one thats coming back around. I've been thinking a lot lately about trying to get Thean Descent animated. Rooster Teeth would be a good option, if there were any way to run it by them. They don't spend any time on the site anymore, they don't respond to official emails, and I'm just done looking for a way to try to get someone else to do it.

      I've been looking into the logistics of starting a site, like Rooster Teeth, where I can set up a store with some merch and a subscription system for tiered access to videos, and staff interaction, a lot like this place used to be. It would take several months of ordering and processing t shirts and sales, but if I could get enough merch sold(quite a bit actually, for a small startup), I could then fund a small animation team to begin producing it myself.

      I was fortunate enough to get a hold of an old friend from high school, who recently went on to Full Sail University, and he says he knows some animators and modelers I can talk to to start getting assets build, as well as finding a lead animator.

      The biggest hurdle will be voluntarily going off disability for this, I have to join a special back to work program, and work with a counselor to be off disability in 5 years tops. I don't know if I can hold my shit together for 5 straight years, let alone thereafter, but I'm going to have to try. I also have to find a counselor who is ok with me being self-employed, apparently they don't like that, they want you to get a real job. 

      So, thats what I've been working on the last week or so, what have you been up to?


    • Say hello to Lillian Isley

      1 year ago


      So, today I took the money I got from selling Selina Kyle, the corvette I bought when I was 16 for $500, and reinvested it in a new project. I got what I paid for her, and paid what I got, so it really is just a continuation of the original investment. Granted, I spent about $7000 over the years in parts and builds that I got no return on whatsoever, but I did get back the original purchase price....which I had paid twice...I'm not very good at this. Anyways, I was never going to be able to get it legal because I lost the lien sale paperwork, so I had to sell it, at a bit of a loss.

      So, I got rid of this



      and got this.


      I continued with the original name scheme, since its an extension of the original project, and named her Lillian Isley, after Pamela Lillian Isley, Poson Ivy's real name. 

      She needs a little work, the brakes need attention, the rear doesn't work at all right now, and I need to replace the rear cam and reassemble. I hate the ape hangers, I'm going to get the original handlebars before I start riding her up here. The tank is pretty messed up, but so is the rest of the sheetmetal, so I don't know if I should replace it or just leave it. The front tire is all cracked up, but I got a free tire for it. I don't think he was going to include it, but I mentioned how bad it was before I gave him the money so he lumped it in. Supposedy it only has about 13,000 miles on it, but it looks like it has seen quite a bit more. I don't know how I'm going to track down all the oil leaks.

      I had to drive 4 hours to Monterey today, and 3 1/2 hours back, I blew a tranny line on the way back. I managed to fix the line, but didn't have tranny fluid so I had to leave Tigara(the truck) in Knights Ferry on the side of the road. It has a bunch of parts and stuff in the bed, and it doesn't have tags, so it could be messed with or ticketed. We'll have to pick it up in the morning.

      SO, that's been my day, how has yours been?


    • Farewell to Nimrod

      1 year ago


      So I sold Moon Hunter two days ago on my birthday, got $350 for her, which wasn't bad considering I paid $500 for her running and got 5 months of riding out of her. We got some beer and some BBQ and it was a good day, all things considered. I started thinking about my dad, of course, and my mom, but I got calls and texts from just about everyone I still talk to, and some on facebook that I don't, so it helped keep me in the realm of gratitude, rather than self-pity. I had 35 good years with my dad, and 23 tumultuous ones with my mom, and now those times in my life have passed, like so many others. My sister is having a baby this month, I was hoping she would come early, and we could share a birthday, but no dice. I tried to induce by scaring her, but it was over the phone, so it didn't really have the effect I was hoping for. Selina is still up for sale, or trade, on craigslist. I got a couple responses but nobody came to check her out. I'm going to pull the wheels if nobody comes in the next week, the tires were about $850 and they have never rolled, and the original rally rim set is worth a good 300-400. I'm giving them to my uncle though, since he has a corvette one year older, a '78 Pace Car edition. I may pull the brake booster too, depending on how long it takes to get her gone. I got rid of my 454 big block a couple months ago, and the 400 block and turbo 400 tranny out of Selina are going in my cousin's '69 Chevy stepside. The engine from Selina is going in my uncle's '46 Ford pickup, which will also need a tranny and a rear end at some point. That Ford is a good looking little truck, but it needs a WHOLE LOT of work. Anyways, if Selina sells, I have my eyes on another Yamaha, an 1100 V-Star, which I think would suit me even better than the 1600 midnight star did. It needs work, but its in the right price range. He (or she, the listing says Kelly) only wants $800, but its been up for two months and is about to come off the site, so maybe he'll/she'll go for less. Anyways, thats me for now, how have you all been?


  • Comments (1)

    • barbara4040

      5 years ago

      Hi Dear ,

      how are you today i hope that every things is ok with you as it is my great pleassure to contact you in having communication with you , please i wish you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happened in future.i will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easiest communication and to know all about each other , and also give you my pictures and details about me , i will be waiting to hear from you as i wish you all the best for your day.Please write me on my email ( )

      your new friend ,

      Miss Barbara Johnson

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