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    • slightlywarped.com jokes

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      QUICK JOKE #1

      A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

      A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

      The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

      QUICK JOKE #2

      A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods."

      "Tiger Woods the golfer?"

      "Yeah." "

      "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

      The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

      "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

      "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

      "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

      "Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

      "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

      "He'd come back to bed and do it a third time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

      The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

      "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

      QUICK JOKE #2

      One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

      "Where to?" he stammered.

      "Union Station," answered the woman.

      "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

      The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

      "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

      The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

      Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

    • Sad news

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      My dog died today. He was 14+ years old and was having a rough time as of late. He died naturally and quietly. He will be missed forever.
      cross-rays-with-rest-in-peace.jpg

    • To Kill an American

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      Written by an Australian Dentist....and too good to delete....



      You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.


      So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)


      'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

      An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

      An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan .. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

      An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugsclaiming to speak for the government and for God.

      An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

      The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

      An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

      When Afghanistanwas over-run by the SovietArmy 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

      As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan . Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

      The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America ..

      Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

      So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

    • slightlywarped.com

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      QUICK JOKE #1

      Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

      "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

      "Sadness," said the student.

      "And the opposite of Depression?" He asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

      "Elation," she said.

      "And you, Sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

      The Texan replied, "Sir I believe that would be giddy-up."

      QUICK JOKE #2

      My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

      My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

      'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

      'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

      QUICK JOKE #2

      An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

      The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition"!

      So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

      The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it"?

      "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass"?

      The Arab said "Yes of course".

      So we exchanged tanks!"

    • Slightlywarped.com

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      QUICK JOKE #1

      "Johnny, where's your homework"? Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

      "My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

      "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that"?

      "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

      "I had to force him, but he did eat it!"

      QUICK JOKE #2

      "You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like...

      "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes"

      and

      "Remember the Alamo" and so on.

      A lot of people asked me where the saying "You gotta be shittin me" came from.

      It just so happens I know.

      Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously.

      He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

      Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.

      A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

      Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.

      All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

      An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

      An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead".

      They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods.

      What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

      General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

      The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there.

      A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

      Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while".

      Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place, we can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have"?

      Washington said "Well ma'm, there are thirty two of us without Peters".

      Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!"

      QUICK JOKE #3

      A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

      "Are you my doctor" he asked?

      "Yes, I am", said the doctor.

      The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth".

      He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother"?

      "Yes, I am", said the mother.

      "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born", he said.

      He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father"?

      "Yes, I am", his father answered.

      The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it"!?!

    • How the constitution SHOULD read

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION
      This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long time. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...



      "We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetter's. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

      ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

      ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

      ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

      ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes .

      ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

      ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

      ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

      ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

      ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

      ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

      ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

      If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?

    • Are we that stupid?!

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      A friend e-mailed this to me.

      You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:

      I was confused until I read this. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be RIDICULOUS.



      I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until it finally sinks in so that the reader will get completely sick of reading them. Also included are the URL's for verification of all the following facts:





      1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year by state governments.

      Verify at: tinyurl.com/zob77





      2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.

      Verify at: www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html





      3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid f or illegal aliens.

      Verify at: www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html





      4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!

      Verify at: transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.0.html





      5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the

      American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.

      Verify at transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html





      6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.

      Verify at: transcripts.c/ nn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html





      7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.

      Verify at: transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html





      8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.

      Verify at: premium.cnn.com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html



      9. $200 Billion dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens.

      Verify at: transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html





      10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US .



      Verify at: transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt.01.html





      11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,50020illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border.

      Verify at: Homeland Security Report: tinyurl.com/t9sht





      12. The National policy Institute, estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period.'

      Verify at: www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf





      13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances to their countries of origin.

      Verify at: www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm





      14. 'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One million sex

      crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States ...'

      Verify at: http: // www.drdsk.com/articleshtml





      The total cost is a whopping $ 338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.





      Are we THAT stupid?

    • Jokes @ slightlywarped.com

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      QUICK JOKE #1

      Four nuns are going up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says:

      "I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?

      The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".

      St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".

      He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:

      "Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".

      "Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".

      Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.

      "Please wait your turn" says St. Peter.

      The fourth nun angrily replies:

      "I am not gargling with that water if she has to put her ass in it!'

      QUICK JOKE #2

      A man goes to the doctor with a sore arm.

      Doc says: "I haven't got time to see you, just put a urine sample in the machine in the hall".

      The man does so, and the machine prints out the following:

      "You have tennis elbow, bathe your arm in warm salty water and avoid strenuous exercise".

      Intrigued the man decides to put the machine to the test. So he goes home and gets urine samples from his wife and daughter, adds a dog turd and then masturbates into the mixture for good measure. He returns to the doctors and puts the mixture in the machine. The machine whirls and clicks and then prints out the following:

      "Your dog has worms, take it to the vet.

      Your daughter is using cocaine, get her into rehab.

      Your wife is pregnant. It's twins. They aren't yours. Find a good divorce lawyer.

      And if you don't stop masturbating your tennis elbow will never get better."

      QUICK JOKE #3

      Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

      At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

      When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

      Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

      My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

      Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

      From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

      Mary replied, "No, but I'll suck your dick for the teapot."

    • The Lost and Damned

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      At last! Rockstar has put good rock and roll in one of their games. AC/DC, Styx, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden, Etc. Oh, and the rest of it is good to. The Annilator fires explosive rounds now, making it very dangerous at street level.

    • More quick jokes

      10 years ago

      DrunkenToast

      QUICK JOKE #1

      A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!

      You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about! the person responds.

      Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you were the father.

      I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!

      QUICK JOKE #2

      The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

      They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

      The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."

      Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

      "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

      The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"

      QUICK JOKE #3

      A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

      This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

      When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

      The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

      The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

      She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I smiled.

      Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to grin.

      Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

      BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
      "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

      The judge slams his gavel down case dismissed

      more jokes from slightlywarped.com

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