Im still around. I no longer think snapbacks are cool.
I'm sorry for my transgressions. I have moved on to strictly wearing camo bucket hats with inconspicuous confederate flags stitched on to them in random places, varying in size. Sometimes instead of the confederate flag I do a 48 star flag because only the continental states should count. Hawaii and Alaska are bonus states. They are America+.
I'm still working a lot at, still in school trying to finish my electronic media degree so I can hopefully get in to broadcast work. And then move out of Kansas. Upon failure to work in broadcast I will be sad. Upon failure to move out of Kansas, I will slip in to a pit of psychosis.
Please let me leave this state. We have no mountains and instead of a police force the government employs bails of hay to patrol the streets and fight crime.. because there are more bales of hay in Kansas than there are people. Have you ever had your tractor pulled over by a fucking hay bale? They can't write tickets because they dont have arms. Instead you have to do pushups on the side of the freeway for the dollar amount of a fine. One push-up = one dollar. I once heard of a man who got pulled over the speeding 55 in a 33 while passing a schoolbus. He was fined $750 dollars. He did pushups for 16 hours before dying of exhaustion.
The hay bales are corrupt too. They beat you in the street if they catch you jaywalking. Oh what? You dont think you could get beat up by a hay bale? Imagine getting fucking indiana jones'd by a 636 POUND ball of grass. Not only is it suffocating but the hay gets everywhere in your clothes and makes them all itchy. It's a god damn civil rights violation.
They dont even have guns. They don't need them. What do you think happens when you shoot at a hay bale? Fuckin nothing. Its a ball of hay. All you'll do is piss them off and then they shoot pieces of hay our of the core of their bodies right through your eye sockets.
I guess I dont have it as bad as the farmers though. As soon as the Police Department started hiring and training hay bales, all the bales that didn't enlist are arguing that selling hay is a form of trafficking. Some of them even revolted and turned on the poor farmers. One hay bale went radical buddhist. The hay bale lit itself on fire and barreled in to the farmers home in a blazing martyrdom. After him, thousands of hay bales rose up against their oppressors and left the farms in search of meaning.
I don't know what this means for society as a whole. It's only a matter of time before hay bales in other states rise up and follow suit. Soon they will turn on us. Humanity. Their creators. Our only hope is to stray far from the mundane, windy, flat, and boring farm towns of the USA. We need to make for the coast, for when the time comes the hay bales will come for us. They will chase us in to the waters of the oceans in search of redemption.
But what the hay bales dont know is... they cannot swim. Their search for redemption will be their downfall. All they wanted was to be alive.