I had already written a journal about this, but in the midst of crying and whatnot, I missed a button. And now I have to replace all of the text I had originally written. I guess now, though, I can write it with less sadness/tears/snot. That's good, no?
I guess to sum it all up again.... It's going to be the anniversary of my grandmother's death this weekend. The day before will be my aunt's baby shower. It's pretty weird. I mean, we're celebrating a life coming in the day before the anniversary of a life that left us.
I suppose I'm mostly afraid for the anniversary on Sunday. I'm afraid to cry more, even more so than I'm doing now, writing this and writing the draft before this that I accidentally deleted.
It's strange for me to think that this new baby won't ever get to even meet her. It's strange for me to think that all of my baby cousins there that did meet her, won't really remember her. And the ones that might, won't remember her much past her picture that now hangs in the living room.
Either way...I guess I'll just repost the message I wrote to her in this journal entry I posted...
And just... it hurts so much to go to your home and not see you in every place I had grown used to seeing you in the past 21 years...
July 4th, 2013 was the last time I got to see you and touch you. I didn't know it was going to be the last, but at least after a long absence, I finally had the chance to stop by, even if for a day.
I will forever miss those summers growing up as a kid when you welcomed me to stay during school vacations. Those were the best and most fun times of my life. Thank you for putting up with all of our shenanigans, for taking care of me when I got sick, and for giving me so much love.
I couldn't say goodbye to you in person or tell you how much I love you, but that's okay. You're getting to rest, and you're no longer in pain.
I can't even begin to imagine the rest of my life without you, and I also can't imagine what it would have been without you. I'm so grateful to have had you with us for as long as we did.
I love you.
Rest in peace, grandma (aka Mama Chelo â™¥). You will always be in my heart.