HighLordBear Who Is Josh?

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from Dayton, OH

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    • The Bad Movies I Love Number 9 “Howard The Duck”

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      “She took my eggs.”

            - The Dark Overlord

      I was first introduced to Howard the Duck via the marvel comic series of the same name. To this day I still love the cigar smoking, foul mouthed, girl chasing waterfowl. Howard was just an everyday schlub in a world of heroes and villains who just happened to be a sentient duck from another world. Howard was funny. Howard was brave. Howard was a believable character despite his physical appearance. When I heard a Howard The Duck Movie was coming out I was thrilled—finally I would be able to see a real comic book movie.


      The results were mixed to say the best, but in a really good way.


      Our adventure begins with Howard happily living on his alternate Earth known as Duckworld. I have no idea why they call it Duckworld, wouldn’t they just call it Earth? We don’t call Earth Humanworld or Monkeyworld, or some such other bullshit do we? Although to be fair Duckworld has two moons so maybe it's not an alternate Earth maybe it’s just an Alien world where they speak English, and everything is like Earth but with ducks.


      My head already hurts.


      Howard is lounging in his recliner, and I shit you not reading a Playduck magazine when some force grabs him and drags him from his apartment building and into space. This scene has the single biggest what the fuck moment in the entire movie. As Howard is being pulled through his apartment he passes through one of his neighbor's bathrooms. The bathing neighbor is a female who sports a prominent set of bare duck boobs. Boobs on a duck complete with nipples and all. I’m not saying young Josh paused that scene over and over when he finally rented the VHS version of the movie, but I’m not, NOT, saying it either.


      Eventually, our hero crashes in Cleveland, because of course he does, and meets Beverly (played by the lovely Lea Thompson) who’s in the middle of an attempted rape. Using his skills in Quack-Fu Howard beats the shit out of the rapists saving Beverly who’s very grateful. Learning Howard has nowhere to go Beverly invites him back to her apartment for the night.



      PAUSE!


      Howard is a three and a half maybe four foot tall talking anthropomorphic duck. I don’t care if he saved her or not, if I was Beverly I’d have run screaming or maced the little freak. I mean ducks have corkscrew penises and are known, rapists… look that shit up I’m not kidding.


      UNPAUSE


      The following day, Beverly takes Howard to Phil. Old Phil (played by Tim Robbins) is a scientist who Beverly hopes can help Howard return to his world. After Phil is revealed to be only a janitor, Howard gives up and rejects Beverly's aid like a pissy, little bitch.

       

      Author's opinion: I HATE Phil. I just needed to say that, he’s the worst thing in the entire movie.


      Howard briefly works as a janitor at a massage parlor/brothel which he soon quits and rejoins Beverly who takes him back.


      I wouldn’t have taken the little bastard back after the way he acted, but I’m a certified asshole.

      Howard learns Beverly and her friends play in a band called Cherry Bomb. At the club where Cherry Bomb is performing, Howard comes across their manager and confronts him when he insults the band. A fight breaks out, in which Howard kicks serious human ass. The fight is pretty damn funny, I recommend the movie on this scene alone.


      After the fight, Howard goes back to Beverly's apartment where she convinces him to be the band's new manager. Afterward, the two start flirting, and it looks like we’re about to have a little interspecies throwdown when Phil returns, seriously fuck you Phil, with real scientists. The Scientists reveal that a laser spectroscope they were inventing was aimed at Howard's planet and transported him to Earth when it was activated. They theorize that Howard can be sent back to his world through a reversal of this same process.


      Upon their arrival at the laboratory, the laser spectroscope malfunctions when it is activated, raising the possibility of something else being transported to Earth. At this point, Dr. Walter Jenning is possessed by a life form from a distant region of space. When they visit a diner, the creature introduces itself as a "Dark Overlord of the Universe" and demonstrates its developing mental powers by destroying table utensils and condiments. A fight ensues when a group of truckers in the diner begins to insult Howard. Howard is captured and is almost killed by the diner chef, but the Dark Overlord destroys the diner and escapes with Beverly.


      Howard locates Phil, who is arrested for his presence at the laboratory with no security clearance. After they escape, they discover an ultralight aircraft, which they use to search for the Dark Overlord and Beverly. At the laboratory, the Dark Overlord ties Beverly down to a metal bed and plans to transfer another one of his kind into her body with the dimension machine. Howard and Phil arrive and apparently destroy the Dark Overlord with an experimental "neutron disintegrator." However, the creature has only been forced out of Jenning's body. The Dark Overlord reveals its true form at this point. Howard fires the neutron disintegrator at the hideous beast, obliterating it. He then destroys the laser spectroscope, preventing more Dark Overlords from arriving on Earth, but also ruining Howard's only chance of returning to his planet.


      Howard then becomes Beverly's manager, hires Phil as an employee on her tour, and plays guitar with Beverly on stage. Hopefully, they eventually got to fuck with Phil out of the picture.


      I love this movie. Yeah, it’s stupid. Yeah, it strays wildly from the source material. And yeah Phil is an idiot. But the Howard costume is awesome. The movie is funny. And the Parts with the Dark Overlord are downright creepy. If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend it.

    • The Crazy Pills

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      The last two weeks have been a living hell for old Josh and not for the usual reasons. I am not ill, I am not overly depressed, and I am not suffering from some kind of writer's block. No, instead it’s my medication that’s driving me crazy. So, of course, the obvious answer would be to stop taking my meds, but in a twist worthy of Shammamillion it’s not being able to get my meds that’s killing me.

      DUN DUN DUN!!!


      Let’s cycle this back six weeks and give you the entire story. Back in October, my doctor made a big change to my bipolar/depression medications. At the time I’d been on Lithium and Prozac for the last four years and Seroquel for three months. The Seroquel was killing me. It took care of my depression but left me exhausted and thick twelve hours a day. So Dr. J, my awesome Valkyrie doctor, took me off of the Seroquel and put me on Abilify and a Lithium supplement called Deplin which she gave me a month's worth of samples for. 


      For a month I was me again. I was the me I’d been before the bipolar destroyed much of my life. I was active, I was sleeping six solid hours a night, I was writing like a machine, and most importantly I was happy.


      I WAS HAPPY!!!


      Then the time came for me to fill the Deplin prescription and of course my bullshit insurance refused to cover it. If they’d covered it I would have had to pay sixty dollars a month and without insurance it was several hundred dollars, and that was not going to happen. My doctor filled an appeal for me, which was roundly rejected by my lovely insurance company. So two weeks ago I ran out of Deplin, and that’s when it all went to shit. First came insomnia, then came the restlessness coupled with anxiety, and finally it became impossible to concentrate on anything.

      So what did I do? I dropped the Abilify on the advice of Dr. J and made an appointment to see her after the holidays. Now I’m no longer restless or anxious. I’m tired all the time, I can’t focus on work, and I’m just sad. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I had a taste of the paradise of “Normalcy” and then had it stolen from me under the guise of the insurance company knowing what's best for me. I’m not suicidal, and I haven't gone back to hiding in my room, but I can hear that little voice in the back of my head telling me to run away and sleep.


      I hate that voice.


      I am not writing this fishing for sympathy or pity—plenty of people have it worse than me. But I have to get it out. I have to say what's in my head, or things get darker and much scarier. Things look bad looking from the outside in, but I’m terrified that from the outside everything seems okay when it’s so far from the truth.


      - Josh

    • Thanksgiving 2016

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      It’s Thanksgiving here in America and 2016 has been a dark and depressing year personally and for the world as a whole. I’m not gonna sugar coat my feelings about the state of the human race. As we keep losing the best and brightest of our creative mind, Leonard Nimoy, David Bowie, Natalie Cole, Leonard Cohen, Glenn Frey, Merle Haggard, Prince, Janet Reno, and Gordie Howe just to name a very few. We are embroiled in an undeclared third world war for the fifteenth year in a row with no end in sight and what appears to be the real possibility of escalation to degrees unseen since the 1940s. The economy teeters, and the only jobs for those of us near the bottom don’t pay enough to support anyone. Our rights are being curtailed left and right, and the media refuses to cover it. As we lose what little we have, the ultra-rich spend money like it’s water flowing from the mountain, and to them, it might as well be. The climate is being destroyed, and the most powerful and richest country in the world will soon be led by a man who thinks climate change is just a Chinese hoax to destroy America.

      We are entering the era of Mr. Donald J. Trump.


      America has elected a man to the office of President of the United States who seems to represent everything we’d thought we had left behind. Through his words, his actions, and most importantly through the people he chooses to surround himself with we see that he’s a liar, a bigot, a misogynist, a warmonger, and a man truly disconnected with the real world. He lives high in a gilded bubble and chooses not to see how bad things are for those of us on the ground level. He was the worst possible candidate on the field, and we chose him.

      I weep for the next generation.


      And yet I am thankful. While so much is wrong in this world, I can look at the corners of my life with brightness and love despite the situation we live in. Nothing is ever all good or all bad and today I choose to see the good in my life as opposed to the bad. Tomorrow I will go back to being as one person said years before, “The most depressing damn optimist in the world.”

      I am thankful.


      I am thankful for my wife Karen, she stands  by me and supports me no matter how messed up I am. She forgives my fuck ups and loves me for me. I am thankful for my partner Jennifer. Without her Gorillas With Scissors Press would still just be my own little vanity company and not a growing Indie Publishing House. I am thankful for my authors Kiri, Al, Dawn, Michelle M., Michelle H., Lisa, Ken, Nikki, and Denise you have trusted me with your creations and I am honored to have them in my stewardship. I am Thankful for my children Joshua, Siera, Stephen, Lydia, Beth, Zaid, Chrissy, Alex, and Katie—you kids are the reason I get up on the bad days and I love you all more than you know. I am thankful I can do the job I want to do as opposed to the job I have to do. I am thankful for my family who loves and supports me. I am thankful for all my friends in real life and online. I love you all. And I am thankful for Billy, Jessi, and Mike, the family who chose me.


      Life may be dark right now, but today I choose to see the light and feel the love.

       

      Happy Pooping Day!

    • My favorite TV Episodes 1: The Twilight Zone Episode 75 – “The Midnight Sun”

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      “The word that Mrs. Bronson is unable to put into the hot, still, sodden air is 'doomed,' because the people you've just seen have been handed a death sentence. One month ago, the Earth suddenly changed its elliptical orbit and in doing so began to follow a path, which gradually, moment by moment, day by day, took it closer to the sun. And all of man's little devices to stir up the air are now no longer luxuries—they happen to be pitiful and panicky keys to survival. The time is five minutes to twelve, midnight. There is no more darkness. The place is New York City, and this is the eve of the end, because even at midnight it's high noon, the hottest day in history, and you're about to spend it in the Twilight Zone.”

      - Rod Serling “The Twilight Zone – Midnight Sun” (Opening)


      If you were to ask me my number one fear, my answer would always be the heat. Not death, not zombies, not the dark, not heights, and even clowns. Simply put I fear the heat in all of it’s varied and vial permutations. How did this fear begin? Well in case you can’t tell from the opening quote the blame falls firmly on the shoulders of Rod Serling and The Twilight Zone episode number seventy-five, “The Midnight Sun.”

      As the show opens, we learn that the Earth's orbit has been disrupted through unknown means. This is causing the world to slowly fall into the sun. I like to think we were a victim of a flyby by Galactus or Ego the living planet.
      Our eyes in this little narrative is an artist named Norma, and her landlady, Mrs. Bronson. They are the last people remaining in their New York apartment building. All their neighbors have either moved North, where it is cooler or perished from the extremely high temperatures. We are informed that at twenty minutes to midnight, it is 110 °F and sunny as high noon. That’s the beginning of my terror right there. More than a hundred degrees at midnight. The idea of no comfort, no cool air, terrifies me to the point of paralysis.

      Norma and Mrs. Bronson try to support each other as they watch life as they know it erode around them. The streets are deserted, water usage is limited to an hour a day, and their electricity is gradually being turned off. Food and water are scarce. A radio reporter announces that the police have been moved out of the city and that citizens must defend themselves against looters, then angrily goes off script, joking that you can, "fry eggs on your sidewalk and heat up soup in the oceans." The reporter is forcibly taken off the air.

      This is one of the first times I ever realized that during a cataclysm all order would break down. This was years before I read ‘ALAS BABYLON’ or saw THE DAY AFTER so just hearing those words in “MIDNIGHT SUN” were enough to induce nightmares and influence me to this very day. Did you ever read my book ‘DARK EARTH’? The footprints of “MIDNIGHT SUN” are all over it.


      As the temperature rises to 120 °F, the two women grow weaker and weaker. Norma burns her hand on a windowsill. Mrs. Bronson becomes psychologically unstable, beseeching Norma to paint a picture of a cool subject, rather than Norma's usual paintings of the sun and burning cities, screaming, "Don't paint the sun anymore!" Suddenly, they hear footsteps on the roof. Norma asks Mrs. Bronson if she locked the roof access door, but she can't remember. The roof door begins to open, and they lock themselves in Norma's apartment. A man's voice calls from outside, demanding entry. Norma threatens him with a cocked revolver, and they hear him walk away. Against Norma's pleas, Mrs. Bronson unlocks the door, and the stranger, still present, forces his way into the apartment, pulls the revolver from Norma and drinks all of their water. He calms down after he has quenched his thirst and begs for their forgiveness, claiming that he is an honest man driven insane by the heat. He throws away the revolver and describes the recent death of his wife and newborn child from overheating and complications during labor. He insistently begs for forgiveness until Norma acknowledges him with a nod, then leaves the apartment building.

      This scene, the man and his plight driving him to become something he’s not, has affected me to this day. Seeing his fear, his loss, and his shame is the television equivalent of a kick to the head. I want to forgive this man and throw him from the window at the same time. Add that to the deterioration of the two women and the desperation, and lack of hope are complete. The world is dying and we know without a shadow of a doubt there’s nothing to be done but burn in the terrestrial hell.

      In an attempt to console Mrs. Bronson after the man leaves, Norma shows her an oil painting of a waterfall cascading into a lush pond, implied to be that of Taughannock Falls near Ithaca, New York (specifically in Ulysses). Mrs. Bronson, unable to cope with the heat, deliriously claims that she can feel the coolness and delightfully splashes in the imaginary waters before collapsing to the floor and dying. Norma sits in shock as the thermometer surges past 120 °F and shatters. The paint on Norma's oil paintings begins to melt before her eyes, and she screams and collapses to the ground.

      I still dream of the melting paint to this day. Not even a joke I have many a nightmare where the environment around me melts like the paint in “MIDNIGHT SUN”.

      The scene cuts to the apartment at night with heavy snow outside the windows. The same thermometer reads −10 °F. Norma is bedridden with a high fever and is tended to by Mrs. Bronson and a doctor. The plot about the Earth moving closer to the sun is revealed to be only a fever dream. In reality, the Earth is moving away from the sun, and the world is freezing to death. Norma tells Mrs. Bronson about her nightmare, adding, "Isn't it 
      wonderful to have darkness, and coolness?" Mrs. Bronson face stiffens in dread, and she replies, "Yes, my dear, it's... wonderful."

      “The Midnight Sun” is one of, if not my all time, favorite episode of television ever aired.
      The last few years have been some of the worst in my life in terms of comfort and ability to function. We’ve experienced a string of years so hot that they are in succession being called “The Hottest Year In Recorded History” one after another. I’m from Michigan. I grew up in a cool climate where we never had an air conditioner and a couple of windows with fans in them were enough to cool most homes. Now I live in Ohio where it’s hot, but when I go home to Michigan, it’s just as bad.

      The temperature is rising, the water is rising, and the climate has gone insane. Even now my family is planning a move north to stay ahead of the heat and coming chaos. Ironically we’re looking to the Land of the Midnight Sun as a viable option.


      “The poles of fear, the extremes of how the Earth might conceivably be doomed. Minor exercise in the care and feeding of a nightmare, respectfully submitted by all the thermometer-watchers in the Twilight Zone.”

      - Rod Serling “The Twilight Zone – Midnight Sun” (Closing)

    • The Bad Movies I Love 8 “Night of the Comet” (1984)

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      What do evil scientists, two valley girls, zombies, and Chakotay from Star Trek Voyager have in common?

      No, not porn you sick fucks!


      Although if we’re going to tell the truth, I’d totally watch that one.


      No, what they all have in common in the wonderfully horrible 1984 horror movie NIGHT OF THE COMET. Starring Catherine Mary Stewart, Robert Beltran, and Kelli Maroney. NIGHT OF THE COMET is in many ways the PG-13 version of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD before there was such a thing as PG-13. Before I start dissecting the flick let me say this, NIGHT OF THE COMET was a hit both financially and with the fans. It made fourteen and a half million dollars on a seven hundred thousand dollar budget and currently scores over 80% on Rotten Tomatoes. The movie with its strong female leads had also been credited with influencing BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.


      Eleven days before Christmas the Earth is passing through the tail of a comet, yep just like in MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE but this time we’re not dealing with sentient machines. This times its pseudo-zombies and angry stock boys. We are lead to believe the last time this happened was sixty-five million years ago when the dinosaurs went extinct. It’s treated as a time of celebration around the world with comet watching parties as common merriment.


      Regina "Reggie" Belmont works at a movie theater in southern California. She is annoyed to find the initials DMK have the sixth highest score on the theater's arcade game on which all the other scores are hers. She stays after the theater closes to play until DMK's score is removed and have sex with her boyfriend Larry, the theater projectionist, in the steel-lined projection booth. Meanwhile, Reggie's 16-year-old sister Samantha "Sam" argues with their stepmother Doris, who punches her in the face. Sam then spends the night in a steel backyard shed.

      Let’s not lie, Sam and Reggie are really annoying. But since I think they were written to be that way I find them kinda loveable. They are strong, intelligent, sexually liberated young woman and while that’s par for the course these days, thank you, Joss Whedon, back in the first half of the 1980s it was something you didn’t often see.


      The next morning, a reddish haze covers everything, and there are no signs of life, only piles of red dust and heaps of clothing. Unaware that anything strange has happened, Larry goes outside and is killed by a zombie wielding a pipe wrench. When Reggie goes looking for Larry, she encounters the zombie but escapes. She heads home to find her sister. Because both Reggie and Sam spent the night shielded from cosmic effects by steel, they were saved from the comet's effects.


      After figuring out what has happened, they hear a disc jockey and race to the radio station, only to find it was just a recording. They come across another survivor there, Hector Gomez, who spent the night in the back of his steel truck. When Sam talks into the microphone, she is heard by researchers in an underground installation out in the desert. As they listen to Reggie, Sam, and Hector debate what to do, the scientists note that the zombies, though less exposed to the comet, will eventually disintegrate into dust themselves. Hector leaves to see if any of his family survived but promises to come back. Reggie and Sam then go shopping at a mall. After a firefight with some zombie stock boys, the girls are taken prisoner but are saved by a rescue team sent by the scientists.


      Reggie is taken back to their base. Audrey White, a disillusioned scientist, offers to dispose of Sam, who was diagnosed as having been exposed and to wait for Hector. After she fakes euthanizing Sam by injecting her with a sedative that only put her to sleep, she kills the other remaining scientist. When Hector returns after an encounter with a zombie child, Audrey briefs him on the situation and then gives herself a lethal injection. He and Sam set out to rescue Reggie. The researchers had suspected and prepared for the comet's effects but inadvertently left their ventilation system open and the fans running during the comet's passage, allowing the deadly dust to permeate their base. Meanwhile, Reggie has become suspicious, escapes, and discovers that the dying scientists have hunted down and rendered healthy survivors brain dead. They harvest their untainted blood to keep the disease at bay while they search desperately for a cure. Reggie saves a boy, and a girl before they are processed then unplugs the other victims from their life support machines. Hector and Sam get the trio out of the base.

      Eventually, rain washes away the red dust, leaving the world in a pristine condition. After Reggie pairs up with Hector, Sam feels left out, as the others are kids. When she ignores Reggie's warning and crosses a deserted street against the still-operating signal light, she is almost run over by a sports car driven by Danny Mason Keener, a teenager about her own age. After apologizing, he invites her to go for a ride. As they drive off, the car is shown sporting the initials "DMK" on the vanity plate.


      NIGHT OF THE COMET is a fun if somewhat stupid movie filled with likable characters.


    • Everybody’s Working for The Weekend Part 7 “Back to the Acres…”

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      After deciding my time at the city was over I was left in a bit of a quandary. I still needed to work in order to support the crippling debt from the crap shack and still enable my family to continue eating at the same time.


      I know, crazy, right?


      At the end of the summer, before I left the city, I started working weekends once more for my Dutch overlords at Meijer. After quitting the city instead of finding another job, I went full-time for ten months starting at the first of the year. Going back to a job you’ve quit is always a hard experience. I’d be doing it again in the future, just with my wife now a manager in the very same store it was even more chaffing to my ego. Not her fault though she was the consummate professional. She always has been, and she always will be.


      My second stint at Meijer was very different from my first. The first time I hitched myself the Dutch handcart I was eighteen, more than a little naïve when it came to job politics and for me at least very friendly and outgoing. My second run through the gauntlet I was embittered, suspicious, and more than little resentful. Also, I was in the opening stages of my bi-polar disorder blossoming into its full glory.


      In other words, I was a mess.


      There was a guy working at Meijer when I went back who was a real gem of a person. Let’s call him Butt-Face. Butt-Face thought his poop was made of jewel encrusted gold and that his farts smelled of vanilla. In reality, the jackass was a know-it-all, paranoid, right-wing extremist, conspiracy freak, and I suspect he may have been a meth head. Although to be fair I have no proof of that but damn the guy acted like a tweaker. Along with Butt-Face, there was a third shift security guard of questionable moral fiber. Let’s call him Ass-Butt.


      Butt-Face and Ass-Butt were as thick as thieves. I’m not saying they were on the down low and hooking up in the security office but considering how much they hated “Faggots” I’m not, not, saying it either. I know that they couldn’t stand me and in a way, I started it. They hated me because after several weeks of Butt-Face trying to tell me how to do my job I informed him that I’d forgotten more about that job than he’d ever known.


      Yeah, I was that guy.


      So for several months the two of them made it their mission to fuck with me and try to catch me breaking the rules. How did they do that? They monitored my breaks, lunches, and restroom breaks. I’m not even kidding, there weren’t two nights in a row when at least one of them would follow me into the restroom and time me until I came out. Ass-Butt took special pleasure in demanding to see my receipts after I’d purchased items on my breaks.


      Yeah, they were a couple of complete assholes.


      So what happened?


      I wish I could say we ended up in a Thunderdome-style battle with Butt-Face as Master and Ass-Butt as Blaster. That would have been a showdown of epic proportions. Sadly that was not how it happened. Instead, it was more like the end of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Much like Shredder they went down like bitches.


      Ass-Butt was the first to go. One night his boss showed up unannounced and found him naked in the security office sleeping off a three-day bender. He was gone and never heard from again that night. What happened to Butt-Face took longer but was even more satisfying. Roughly six months after I quit Meijer for the last time the janitorial/building services department was contracted out even though they were union jobs. That’s a rant for another day, and it’s coming. The remaining employees in the department were transferred to other departments. Butt-Face was promised a management track position but whether that would have happened or not is irrelevant. Several weeks after the transfers he was caught being blown in the milk cooler by a woman old enough to be his grandmother.


      My only question is: Did she have her teeth in?


      I left Meijer in September of 2003 and promptly sold my soul to the second scariest corporate mascot in the world after the Burger King. I went to work at Toys R Us and Geoffery the Giraffe.

    • The Bad Movies I Love #7 – “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2” (2000)

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is the sequel to the 1999 hit indie film The Blair Witch Project, and it didn’t need to be. While I love The Blair Witch Project, you can send your hate to that statement to Donald J. Trump. The sequel is my favorite of the two. That hate can be sent to Mike Pence. But regardless if you agree with anything I am going to say in this essay I will stand by my assertion that if Blair Witch 2 had just been called Book of Shadows, it would have been more than a financial success. I expect, much like Halloween 3, it will be appreciated years after its release.


      Our movie opens with the character of Jeff, played by the talented and devastatingly sexy Jeffery Donovan, as a mental patient at a creepy Silent Hillish Hospital in Maryland. Needless to say, this brief scene does it’s best to portray Jeff as bug fuck crazy.

      Then we cut to the past.


      I should mention right now that this movie treats the events of the first movie as if they really happened.


      It’s suddenly 1999 and the world is riding high on the Blair Witch phenomenon. We are introduced to Stephen and his secretly pregnant wife Tristen they are researching the Blair Witch for a book, Erica the token sexy redheaded Wiccan, and Kim our goth psychic wannabe. Kim frankly irritates the piss out of me. I can only take so much of her shtick before I start praying the Witch gets her.


      They are all in Birkitsville, Maryland on the Blair Witch Tour seeing all the sites from the movie. Their leader and guide is Jeff, the same Jeff from the movie opening, who’s apparently a paranormal investigator who has a ton of investigating equipment in his creepy rape van.

      Our heroes make camp in the ruins of the Rustin Parr house, the crazy child killer from the first movie, and that is when the movie starts cooking. They run into and have a confrontation with another rival tour group who eventually leave our heroes in relative peace when our group tells them they saw something awful at Coffin Rock.


      While Jeff sets up his monitoring equipment, the group proceeds to get incredibly drunk around the ubiquitous campfire. In all honesty, it looks like the actors were having a lot of fun filming this scene—I kinda wish I’d been there.


      The next morning the group wakes with no memory of the night before and to find the campsite wrecked. All of Stephen and Tristen research material is destroyed, and Tristen’s discovers she’s bleeding and has miscarried her baby. Even though Jeff’s recording equipment has been destroyed they find his tapes unharmed in the same place the original Blair Witch footage was found.


      After a brief trip to the Burkittsville Hospital to have Tristen examined and the first sighting of the witch, the group return’s to Jeff’s creepy murder house. And when I say Jeff lives in a creepy murder house I’m not fucking with you. The place was a 19###sup/sup### century broom factory now turned into a fortress of solitude complete with a paranoid number of security cameras.


      The group decides to view all of the footage Jeff recorded at Parr’s, and they find large sections of the footage is gone except for one clip. It shows out little Wiccan naked dancing around a tree which she does not remember doing.


      We were five miles outside Burkittsville when the mescaline kicked in. That’s what the second half of the movie is like one long drug trip filled with hallucination and creepy shock moments. Everyone experiences something paranormal, and it’s not confined just to the murder house. Goth Girl has a weird experience going for more beer because that’s what they need, more alcohol on top of the trippiness.


      The next day Stephen, Tristen, and Kim decide to leave, but Erica is missing. They also learn via the county Sherriff that the other tour group was found disemboweled in the woods and the van is wrecked trapping them at the murder house. What follows next is a series of paranoid hallucinations ending with the group finding Erica’s body in the closet all freaky like she’d watched The Ring and Samara got her ass.


      Jeff plays his damaged videotapes in reverse and we are treated some seriously freaky shit. The footage shows Tristen leading the group in satanic worship and a drunken orgy, followed by a subsequent ritual murder of the other tour group. Tristen says she didn’t kill Eric and remembered none of the things on the tapes. She ties a noose around her neck while the others beg her to stop, then she jumps hanging herself.


      JUMP CUT!


      Our group has been arrested by the Sherrif and it’s revealed that Kim killed the assholes at the liquor store with her nail file. It’s also revealed the tapes show our group killing the other group at Coffin Rock. The videos in the murder house show Jeff killing Erica and Stephen hanging a hysterical Tristen from the rafters.


      I love Book of Shadows and I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks.

    • The Bad Movies I Love #6 - MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986)

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      The first time I saw Stephen King’s magnum opus was in the fall of 1987. We were visiting my father and step monster on the weekend, and my former stepbrother, and all around good egg Danny rented for us to watch. To say it’s a bad movie is an understatement. Even eleven-year-old Josh could tell how schlocky it was. That said, I love this fucking movie so hard and not in spite of its cheesiness, but because if it.


      The phenom that is MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE was written and directed by the master of horror himself, Stephen King. The screenplay was inspired by and loosely based on King’s short story ‘TRUCKS’, which was included in King’s first collection of short stories, ‘Night Shift’. I like the story of ‘TRUCKS’ more than the movie MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE but in the early 2000’s a television movie was made entitled ‘TRUCKS’, which although honing closer to the original story sucked balls. And not in the cool “hey my boyfriend shaved for me” way either.


      MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE was so bad it was nominated for two Golden Raspberry Awards including Worst Director for King and Worst Actor for Estevez in 1987. Rightly so both lost against Prince for Under the Cherry Moon, I mean seriously that movie is an atrocity. In 1988, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE was nominated for Best Film at the International Fantasy Film Awards. King has described the film as a moron movie and stated his intention to never direct again soon after. King considers the film a learning experience.


      So just what is MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE?


      We start with a comet tail enveloping the Earth. What the fuck was wrong with the 80s and their comet obsession? I realize that Haley’s comet made its regular return around this time but by Odin’s balls people that doesn’t mean killer electronics and zombies (we’ll get to you NIGHT OF THE COMET) are coming after us. So the comet tail envelopes the Earth, causing anything run by electricity to come to life and attack the human population. The best part in the opening is when Stephen King and his wife Tabitha, in their obligatory cameo, are called assholes by the ATM. We are then treated to an awesome montage of machines slaughtering people across America. I assume the world as well, but we are never explicitly told this. The best of these are the little leaguers and their coach attacked by a soda vending machine that shoots cans at them like a machine gun. One the little leaguers, Deke, is one of the main characters and he escapes the ballfield carnage, which includes a disturbing scene where a steamroller crushes a screaming kid on his bike.


      Good old manual foot power.


      At the Dixie Dream, a roadside truck stop just outside Wilmington, North Carolina, we meet the rest of the movies cast including Emilio Estevez, post REPO MAN, and pre MIGHTY DUCKS, as ex-con Bill. At the diner, a waitress is attacked by an electric knife and a patron is electrocuted by the video games.


      PAUSE

      I call bullshit immediately. Much like a turtleneck saving Jeremy Renner from nerve gas (fuck you 28 WEEKS LATER) an electric knife can’t jump around on its own. Neither, for that matter, can an arcade game electrocute you through plastic handles. They should have had the damn thing overload and blow up.


      UNPAUSE

      Bill realizes that something is wrong with the machines but the Dixie Dream’s fat southern stereotype owner Bubba Hendershot played by the legendary Pat Hingle is having none of it. Can I take a second and express my love of Pat Hingle? If you ever run across a movie or television show with him in it, please watch it. The project may suck, but Pat will be brilliant. He is one of the best character actors of the 20###sup/sup### century. The cars and trucks at the Dixie Dream attack and a toy store truck with a giant green goblin head on the front kills Deke’s father who worked at the Dixie Dream. The people are trapped in the diner.


      Now for the best most fucked up part of the movie. Bubba has an arsenal worthy of a third world strongman’s army in the basement of the Dixie Dream. Using a LAW rocket launcher Bubba and Bill stand off the trucks by destroying one of them. Bu the trucks have a miniature military vehicle, a Mule I believe, with a mounted M-60 light machine which shoots up the diner killing many of the trapped patrons and staff.


      PAUSE

      How by Loki’s black asshole did that little golf cart looking thing make the gun fire? There is clearly no electronic trigger on the M-60.


      UNPAUSE

      The Mule uses its horn to communicate in Morse code. Deke, who showed up earlier during the boring parts I’m not talking about, knows Morse code and translates. The trucks want the humans to run the pumps and refuel them. Realizing finally that they are now the trucks slaves Bill suggests they arm up and escape to an island off the coast with no cars or trucks allowed on it. During the escape, Bill blows up the Mule and Bubba is killed fighting a bulldozer, which destroys the Dixie Dream. The Green Goblin truck chases the survivors to the docks where Bill kills it, and the Dixie Dream survivors sail away. A word scrawl tells us three days later the comet passes and the chaos stops.


      Oh yeah, there’s also a romance subplot between Bill and a hitchhiker, a perverted preacher, and Lisa Simpson.

    • The Fascist States of America

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      The people of the United States of America have elected our own version of Benito Mussolini as President. The people of the USA are going to be experiencing a lot of buyer’s remorse over the days, weeks, months, and years to come. I am not a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but I think it’s safe to say we may be well and truly fucked as a nation and maybe as a race. Donald J. Trump is a hateful, petty, authoritarian, sexist, misogynist, homophobic, liar, sexual predator who now has access to the full power of the USA.


      Scary, isn't it?


      So, what do we do now? How do we mitigate the damage and prepare for the next round of this political war? And for that matter what do I think an administration under The Donald will look like? Not to mention the GOP retained both houses of the Congress and there is an opening on the Supreme Court to fill. Who will he pick? I don’t know. I doubt anyone knows other than The Donald’s inner circle, but I have some ideas.


      First, I think the Senate will confirm Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court before the end of the year. I refuse to believe those craven bastards want Donald nominating the next justice. Of course, I could be wrong, and if I am, I think Donald may actually nominate his sister as he said earlier in the year. If not, well the list of people he said he’d put up for SCOTUS is terrifying in a Nuremberg kind of way.


      Second, we must look at the Cabinet. There have been a few leaks as to whom he might pick, and it’s all bad. For Attorney General, it is heavily rumored Donald is considering Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York City and a clear proto-fascist. The number of horrible things Rudy has said and done in his time in the public light could fill a book all on his own. As to the Secretary of State, well it looks like Newt Gingrich will be returning to the Federal Government for the first time since his own party shit-canned him as Speaker of the House of Representatives.


      The Cadre of Deplorables will be running the government comes January, and I’m terrified.

      So, what do I think President Trump will champion/endorse once in office?


      First, we can say goodbye to Obamacare, which while a horrible law was still much better than what we had before. What little restrictions were placed on the insurance companies will be gone, and we'll be back to preexisting conditions being a reason to deny insurance and arbitrary denial of treatments. Tens of thousands of people are going to die as they lose their insurance. Hope you all are proud of yourself.


      Second, there’s about to be a war on workers. Trump has been more or less consistent with his views in regards to trade, workers’ rights, and the minimum wage. Things were bad, and they’re about to get worse for the very people who put the bastard in the big chair. Once more I hope you're proud of yourself.


      Third, and maybe most important, if you’re not a straight, white, Christian male life is about to become very difficult for you. As a bisexual atheist socialist, this one hits me right in the gut. What do I do when the government no longer supports me? Also, my son in law is a Jordanian national and my future daughter in law is an African American.


      What do we do about this?


      There really is only one thing we as Americans can do—we fight. I don’t mean with guns and bombs, I mean with our words. We’re better than the overseas revolutionaries and homegrown Bundyite nutjobs. We need to organize, protest, push our so-called representatives in DC and the state capitols. We need to get involved. We need to make so much noise they have to listen to us. We need to do all that and in two years give them a thrashing they’ll never see coming.


      We all need to be Bernie Sanders.

    • The Bad Movies I Love #6 “Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Meyers (1995)”

      2 years ago

      HighLordBear

      Released in 1995 Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers is the sixth installment in the Halloween film series. That would lead you to believe that there are six different movies in the series starring the eponymous serial killer Michael B Meyers (The B is for Badass) but you would be wrong. The chronology of the original Halloween series are one, two, four, five, and six—we won’t talk about the H2O alternative timeline or the Rob Zombie reimagining in this essay. Halloween 3: Season of the Witch is a fantastic B-Movie in its own right starring the Demi-God-like visage of Tom Atkins, but that’s a review for another time.


      One last thing before we get to the movie itself, there are two versions. While the second version, the Producer’s Cut, is by far my favorite version of the film, we will be talking about the original theatrical version in this essay.


      Why are there two versions?


      The sixth installment of the series has long been known for its controversial behind-the-scenes history. The movie suffered heavily from re-shoots and numerous cuts made in the editing room. At some point, the workprint of the film, with 43 minutes of alternate footage and the alternate ending, was discovered. This second version of Halloween 6 was dubbed “The Producer’s Cut” and has developed a strong cult following which eventually lead to an official DVD/Blu-Ray release in 2015. I suggest if you love the Halloween series you check it out.

      After Michael Meyers and his niece Jamie Lloyd were abducted from the Haddonfield Illinois Police Station by the man in black, we jump six years into the future. We see in a seizure-inducing scene that Jamie is in labor and we watch her give birth to a baby which is immediately taken away by the worst doctors and nurses in the world. These people are worse than the Mengele’s cadre of fanatics. And the conditions? This place they chose for labor and delivery might as well have a sign saying “Ebola Welcome.” The place seems to be staffed entirely by second charmed cultist rejects.


      Oh, I’m sorry, they are apparently druids or some such horse shit.


      The whiniest nurse/midwife in the universe help Jamie and her baby escape from the Chez Murder Hospital and is promptly killed by Michael who I guess summers there or something. If this lady had wanted to really help Jamie and the baby, why did she wait until she was weakened by birth and towing a squalling infant?


      Sigh, half-assed heroes will be the death of us all.


      So, it seems Jamie has learned how to steal and drive a truck in her years as a cult prisoner because she does just that after escaping Chez Murder Hospital. Arriving at a bus station Jamie calls a local radio station in order to reach out to Dr. Loomis. Why she didn’t call the police or the national guard, I’ll never know. But the DJ, Barry Simms, who’s doing a special of Haddonfield lifting it’s ban on Halloween cuts her off leaving her alone with her baby.  Michael finds Jamie, and she crashes the truck trying to escape. He kills Jamie but finds that her baby is not in the truck. However, Dr. Sam Loomis now retired and visiting with his friend Dr. Terence Wynn is listening and hears when Jamie begs for his help on the airwaves.


      We then jump to Haddonfield and a grown-up Tommy Doyle, the little boy from the first movie, played by the always amazing Paul Rudd a decade before he would be Ant-Man… just saying. He lives in a boarding house, run by the creepy Mrs. Blankenship, across the street from the old Meyers house where through the power of coincidence members of the Strode family, as in Laurie Strode from Halloween’s adopted relatives, live. The family is comprised of John (The abusive father), Debra (The milktoast mother), Tim (The forgettable teenage son), Kara (The adult daughter and single mother, and Danny, (Kara’s 6-year-old son).


      Tommy is creepy, still sexy, but creepy. The events in 1978 really fucked up Tommy Doyle but unlike Laurie, he hardened and made Michael his obsession. Determined to understand Michael and his motivations he studied everything he could find that was even tangentially related to the subject of Michale Meyers. He may be the most well-informed font of Meyers lore in the world. But he’s still creepy as fuck. Creepy or not, Tommy manages to find Jamie’s baby who he names Steven, hidden in the Bus Station restroom. I’m not sure how the baby wasn’t discovered by someone else in the hours between Jamie leaving him and Tommy finding him but good on Ant-Man—I guess he was meant to be a hero after all. While at the hospital trying to get Steven checked out Tommy runs into Loomis and gives him the exposition on the Meyers’ house before fleeing when he sees police in the hospital.


      At some point, Michael enters his old house and slaughters Debra then John… seems like their parts could’ve been bigger.


      Tommy meets Danny when he sees him alone outside and then Danny introduces his new friend Tommy to his mom who’s not impressed. A few words about Danny—he seems special as in he has visions and hears things not there. He should have a tattoo saying “Future Sociopath” on his forehead. In an earlier scene when John hits Kara and bloodies her nose, he only stops his attack when Danny puts a steak knife to his belly. Tommy takes Steven, Kara, and Danny back to Mrs. Blankenship’s boarding house and gives them the exposition dump of the movie.


      While Tommy tells the Halloween story, Danny hears a voice telling him to kill. It may have been Till, but I don’t see a scrawny shit like Danny outside tilling the soil to lay in the annual sorghum crop.


      While this is happening Barry Simms, our favorite asshole radio DJ comes to town at the request of Tim and his girlfriend Beth to cover the return of Halloween to Haddonfield. Simms is killed by Michael and strung up in a tree. Then Tim and Beth are killed in Tim’s house post coitus. See I don’t always use the word fuck like it’s verbal salt.


      At the boarding house Mrs. Blankenship, who informs us she was Michael’s babysitter on the night he killed his sister, is revealed as a cultist. Also, Dr. Wynn is exposed as the Man in Black, and the cult takes Danny, Kara, Steven, and Michael back to Chez Murder Hospital now revealed as the old Smiths Grove Sanitarium.


      Loomis confronts Wynn while Tommy finds and rescues Kara, Danny, and Steven. Michael kills Wynn and chases down Tommy, Kara, and the kids cornering them in the Laboratory. Tommy injects Michael with magic juice, probably liquid plumber, and beats the shit out of him with a lead pipe.


      This is my hands-down my favorite scene in the movie. It’s up there with the telekinetic girl Tina thrashing Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th 7: The New Blood.


      Tommy, Kara, the kids, and Dr. Loomis meet up and they’re home free. But in a twist worthy of no one, Loomis decides he has something to do in Chez Murder Hospital with the final scene being a shot of Michaels mask on the floor, and Loomis is screaming.

       

  • About Me

  • Comments (31)

    • HighLordBear Who Is Josh?

      10 years ago

      No you have not, what does he write?

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      10 years ago

      Have I ever told you my brother-in-law is a writer?

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      10 years ago

      It quit snowing hours ago but we're still under a Level 2 snow emergency. Hopefully they'll have the roads clear so we can get to work tomorrow.

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      10 years ago

      I shoveled the walk an hour ago and now I can't even tell.

      I would lol, but it ain't funny. smiley3.gif I'm very glad we're home today.

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      10 years ago

      We took yesterday and today off (we work at the same place). We've got a 36-mile commute each way (we work in Springfield) AND we're in the country and they never do anything with the roads around here.

      I'm just glad this storm actually did something--last year we would take days off when there were big storms forecast and all except once they fizzled out. smiley5.gif

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      10 years ago

      Hey, what's up?

    • amber

      11 years ago

      mmm spicy chicken crunch wrap supreme.

    • amber

      11 years ago

      toxic hell? pretty sure you mean 'delicious sweet sweet loving'.

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      11 years ago

      I'm annoyed that winter is trying to come back. smiley2.gif

    • wwefan_bs

      11 years ago

      Hi

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      11 years ago

      Haven't seen you around for awhile--how's it going?

    • honeyvixen

      11 years ago

      Merry Christmas! smiley0.gif

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      12 years ago

      We live in West Milton, so we use the West Milton Vet Clinic. The vet is really good--we're lucky to have her in such a small town.

    • mel

      12 years ago

      smiley7.gif

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      12 years ago

      Yes, that was funny. smiley0.gif

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      12 years ago

      I would tink that a reputable bank would not have a Yahoo cpntact e-mail addy.


      You would, but apparently an awful lot of people wouldn't. I can't believe this scam is still successful. smiley4.gif

    • foxfoxkai

      12 years ago

      cup and ball...very nice....

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      12 years ago

      smiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gifsmiley7.gif

    • nagasadow99

      12 years ago

      sweet!! smiley0.gif i like the system that they use. its alot easier than some ive seen,i think its funner to.

    • Gee

      12 years ago

      I have Vanilla Ice: To The Extreme



      You win.

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      12 years ago

      I've actually been on the Best Brains tour three times ... one was a super-duper after-hours tour conducted by Jef Maynard. We got to run around and get on the sets and play with the props, which you could never do on the regular tour. There're more pics on our horribly outdated website.

    • ohfer FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      12 years ago

      I don't actually have Crow and Timmy, I just went to visit them at their house. I was standing at Trace's workbench at Best Brains in that pic. Sigh ...

    • MoveOn

      12 years ago

      commenting random people

      hello, merry xmas.
      from shor XD

    • ssjninja

      12 years ago

      merry christmas

    • mel

      12 years ago

      Some of those girls just need to shhhhhh, if you know what I mean.

      But this contest, will be the most successful, personal, meaningful contest ever. I have people from the non RvB community helping me out.

    • Hilden1

      12 years ago

      my baby got stole by a bear holding a shark!

    • godlyman101

      12 years ago

      howdy

    • Brock88

      13 years ago

      hi i just entered my first contest and was woundering if u could vote for me all you have to do is go here and put brock88 thanks also can u pass this onto your friends thanks again.

      Thanks
      -Brock

    • mel

      13 years ago

      Thanks for the journal comment!

      Please have one of my alerts to thank you for your alerts...and a friend request, I think you would like one of those! smiley12.gif

    • Gee

      13 years ago

      "Stay Alive", not "Stayin' Alive"!!

      smiley6.gif

      Good song, though. Love them BeeGees!

    • Gee

      13 years ago

      No personal comments?

      That is sad. Allow me to help.

      HELLO. WELCOME TO RVB. PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COMPLIMENTARY PERSONAL COMMENT!

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