ItsDanielle

Not Specified
from Sikeston, MO

  • Activity

    • 6 days and counting...

      4 years ago

      ItsDanielle

      I haven't posted in a while and I apologise. I'm graduating soon, and softball season just started for my siblings and my birthday is also coming up so I've been very very busy. Update coming soon^_^

    • Sweet Dreams Are NOT Made Of This

      4 years ago

      ItsDanielle

      As a majority of you know, this past January my dad got into a car accident that resulted in his death. It's been hard for my family, especially hard for my sister and brother, and also my grandparents. We've been trying to stay together more and to go out and not just be left alone to let our thoughts dwell on us until they consume us completely and we are a huge mess of tears and sadness and nervous breakdowns.

      I wis I could say that I'm handling this the best, and that I'm the strongest person in my family, but that's bullshit. It's been on my mind almost 100% of the time. In fact, it's stressed me out so much that its started to shiw in my dreams. I've had them where it's just old memories of my dad and I, or where I was the one in the car accident, but recently I had a dream that kind of pushed it over the edge. The more and more I dread on it, the worse I feel, and it's really draining me. Yeah, I get it, just stop thinking about it. Well it's not that simple.

      Basically, heres how it went down:
      I was at my grandparents house in their basement, where my dad used to live, beause it was basically just a second house. I was walking around and I wandered into the smallest bedroom, which is unoccupied, but has a lot of his stuff in it. I walk in, and hems standing right there in the corner, laughing about something, looking like the happy dad that I remember him as. I get really really happy and excited: my father that died two months ago is standing right in front of me! I run up to him to try to hug him, and my arms go straight through him, like he's a ghost. I try and try over and over and OVER again but each time my arms just go through his torso as thouvh he werent even there. And he's just standing there laughing, as though my life hadn't gone to shit, and he hadn't gone to heaven. As though everything were ok. I just start screaming and yelling "I'm right here! Why can't you see me?" And then he starts fading away right in front of me until he completely disappears from sight. I collapse to the floor in the corner where he was and I just cry and scream. And then I just woke up. I guess I didn't really completely understand or remember what had happened when I first woke up, because I wasn't bothered at all. But I guess just certain things throughout the days have unclogged my memory and reminded me of the heart-wrenching experience. I wish there were some other way for me to cope. That was the second worst experience of my life, and I hope it doesn't happen again, but knowing my luck, it will probably be one of those recurring dreams that you have every other week and you don't even realise it. I guess I'll take the saying "sweet dreams" a little more seriously now, huh?

    • Here's to trying

      4 years ago

      ItsDanielle

      So, I had a conversation recently with a friend about my depression, anxiety, etc. and he has helped me open my eyes a bit and I've realised that I have managed to create my own abundance of problems and fear and anxieties. I will admit that reading over the messages has helped me realise just how complex I've let everything get and how little sense it all makes and, most of all, that I'm stubborn as hell(I mean I knew I was but... damn..)

      Well, I think it's time that I try to pull myself together and get out of this draining, tiresome cycle I've webbed myself into and that I try to improve my life before it get's too incredibly far off the edge. I've started exercising nightly and trying to not eat as much junk as I used to, and I'm going to at least limit the amount of soda I drink(starting tomorrow since I've already had 2 litres of Mountain Dew today. oops.) I'm going to try to not stop eating in general, but that does seem to be the path I take more often thanI would like to admit. It doesn't help that I've created excuses for why I've done what I've done, so that it gives the illusion of it being not as bad as it really is. Starving and puking is not the way to go. You get these terrible pains in your stomach and you feel dizzy and it's quite terrifying really. And quite frankly I don't like that feeling.

      I guess basically the point of this journal is to just inform everyone that I am actually going to try for real this time. This lifestyle isn't fun and it's emotionally draining; it's time to call it quits. So, here's to trying. And here's to those who gave me the motivation and metaphorical slap to the face that I really needed.

    • This Is Real(this is me..)

      4 years ago

      ItsDanielle

      No. Despite what you may be thinking, this isn't a journal about an obsession with Camp Rock or Demi Lovato. Nor is it me just typing out the lyrics to the referenced song in the title of this journal. I've just decided that this year has been a pivotal moment in my life and I figured it should be documented in some form, and what better than a journal entry on the Rooster Teeth site, right?

      I'm gonna warn you now this will probably be a long post, mainly just describing my life and all the shit going down at the moment and basically describing me as a person. Also, I will put a TRIGGER WARNING here because I don't know where I will go with this, and I just want to be safe.

      First things first, I guess I'll just introduce myself, in case you for some reason didn't catch my name on my twitter or profile. I'm Danielle, commonly called Dani or Dan. I'm 16, soon to be 17(64 days), and I'm a senior in high school. I've grown up in and still live in the shitty town of Sikeston, Missouri, and as much as I hate it, I'm gonna miss it when I leave for college.

      Ah, college. What an interesting topic. In fact, it was just three months ago that I was stressing and freaking out because I "only"(in my words) had a 28 on my ACT(only? really, Danielle?), and I still hadn't applied to any colleges yet. When I finally applied to University of Memphis, SEMO, Mizzou, and Missouri S&T, I learned throughout the next few months that I had managed to get into all four, and I had also re-taken the ACT to raise my score to a 30(Mind you, I'm still taking it in April to see if I can get even higher.) You have no clue the weight that was lifted off my chest when I got my acceptance letter(and car sticker) from Missouri S&T. It was my top school and is the #1 engineering college in Missouri, and one of the top in the nation. So, you can imagine just how excited and proud I was when I found out that I did get in. Now, I can pursue a degree in Aerospace Engineering without the worry and stress of finding a decent job(*crosses fingers* NASA NASA NASA) that requires that degree.

      College. I could go on and on about college and how much I fear going nearly four hours away from home and the constant nagging in my head that has me convinced that I will either fail or drop out, but I won't bore you with those details. This is about the main pieces of my life, and not the very tiny tiny snippets.

      I like to think of myself as a very outgoing and social person that loves to make friends and hang out, but let's be honest for a second: I'm not any of those things. At the very most I am outgoing as in I have.... okay I'm not outgoing whatsoever. I tried being the cool, snotty, preppy kid or the emo, scene weird kid, and just your average, unnoticed, and not-so-special teenager and DING DING we have a winner! I'm horrid at keeping conversation about anything in particular, so I keep my talking to the usual " Hey how are you?.. Oh, I'm good, as well... It was nice seeing you!" and go on my way. Not to mention the fact that I speak faster than my mind can think, so half the time I fuck up whatever I'm trying to say anyways. In general, linguistics, diction, and correct word usage in-general are not my strongsuit. At all. Not anywhere near it.

      I also have managed to reach the lowest point on the self esteem bar in every aspect of my life: from looks, to speaking, to my ability to succeed in life. My positivity in myself is at a bare minimum, and the only happiness I feel anymore is from spastic, short-lived moments of joy or whenever I make others feel better about themselves and somehow improve their life for the better. This overall low self esteem and constant feeling of sadness has knitted itself into a tight blanket. The kind that gets all wrapped around you in that suffocating, uncomfortable, oh-my-god-I-can't-breathe sort of way and it takes you what seems like a year to get just your foot free so that you can cool off at least a bit, until your foot gets too cold and you pull it right back in, causing you to repeat the entire process. I've been to doctors, and this blanket has been named depression. Not just the kind that makes you cry every once in a while and then you can talk to someone and you feel better, or the kind linked to one aspect in your life, but the kind that is set in stone and isn't going anywhere. It comes and creeps on you and just makes you feel hollow and sad and cold and like you won't ever feel any sort of emotion ever again. You don't want to talk or move or breathe or live. You just want to stop existing. You don't have any specific reason for this happening, and it doesn't care what your schedule is or where you're at. It's always there.

      Now, as I'm nearing the (hopefully)end of this journal I will go ahead and just give you the run-down of what's really fucked me up as of late. Back in about October or so, I had an uncle shoot himself. No, I wasn't extremely close to him, but I was close enough to cry for the first week after his laying down to rest. Then, in November or December, I had another uncle die from cancer. He was from my step family, so I didn't know him well, but I still felt for his family, and the fact that I wouldn't ever get to know him better. Then, the worst happened. The day that I hoped I wouldn't have to witness for at least 50 years came. January 10, Saturday morning at around 2:00 am, my father got in an automobile accident, where his car hit a curb on the road too sharp and flipped the car four times, his neck breaking on the first roll, resulting in death on impact. I haven't recovered and I never will. I am going to counselling, however to help cope. Then Monty passed and I feel maybe life really wanted to fuck me over hard during the time of my life where I'm stressed out of my mind.

      But I think I'll end this here and ramble on another day about my life and the shitty things going on in it. If you read this, thank you for caring. It means everything to me.

    • 5 years ago

      ItsDanielle
    • 5 years ago

      ItsDanielle
    • 5 years ago

      ItsDanielle
    • 6 years ago

      ItsDanielle
    • 6 years ago

      ItsDanielle
    • 6 years ago

      ItsDanielle
  • Comments (24)

    • JJ FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      5 years ago

      hi im JJ!!! and according to your profile...you prolly hate me

      • ItsDanielle

        5 years ago

        Youre very lucky or sure

      • JJ FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

        5 years ago

        then either your profile is a lie...or im one of the lucky ones!

      • ItsDanielle

        5 years ago

        ME HATE YOU??? whaaat nooooo never ever

    • ACBrother1

      7 years ago

      Eeeeewww.... Danielle

      • ItsDanielle

        7 years ago

        Bhaha I knoww.. :p

      • ACBrother1

        7 years ago

        Don't lie, you love me :P

      • ItsDanielle

        7 years ago

        Eeeeeeeeewww.. Its my awful brother :P

    • mdelk

      7 years ago

      PS: I did not mean to put that twice.
      PPS: My gamer Tag is Greythane so just message me.

    • mdelk

      7 years ago

      Hey Danielle I'm doing the Reach Weekly today at 4 pm please come!

    • mdelk

      7 years ago

      Hey Danielle I'm doing the Reach Weekly today at 4 pm please come!

    • 1874

      8 years ago

      add me plz

    • 1874

      8 years ago

      hi!
      add me

    • Ray FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      8 years ago

      To get the heart icon you need to be a sponsor of the site.

      And you were there? FUCKING CREEPER

    • HurriHam

      8 years ago

      .. hands off Ray, he's mine

    • Dylon

      8 years ago

      I would, but I have SO MANY already....

      tumblr_lkhmzg4oKC1qhejp9o1_500.png

    • Dylon

      8 years ago

      I agree completely.

    • Ray FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      8 years ago

      awesome :D

    • Ray FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      8 years ago

      CREEPER smiley12.gif

    • ItsDanielle

      8 years ago

      Ahahaha.. niiice Dylan.. I think Ray beat you to that!! I see you are online lol

    • Dylon

      8 years ago

      FIRST!! ... Shit.

    • ItsDanielle

      8 years ago

      You should add me on Xbox! Gt: TalleyGalz.. I got Dylan!! Haha and all the others said the friends list was full

    • ItsDanielle

      8 years ago

      Ahaha Yes! Yes you are! How was Die Hard 2?

    • Ray FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      8 years ago

      FIRST!

      smiley0.gif

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