from New York, New York

  • Activity

    • Awesome Skyrim Stories!

      7 years ago


      So there's a mission (should you so choose it) to take over a city for one of the factions, one of those epic sieges, heroic rushes over the top, you know the kind. However, I have a tendency to be easily distracted by side quests, and I was level 46 by the time I finally undertook this questline.

      My mission was to charge with the front line, smash barricades, unhook the drawbridge, charge into the city and into the palace of the Jarl (king) and force him to surrender after killing his bodyguards.

      But... I LIKED the Jarl. And I owned property inside that city all ready and I kind of didn't want to kill any of the nice guards.

      I am a master smith and pretty much an expert enchanter. I had dragonbone plate armor and had improved it up to "Legendary" before applying any enchantments. I was also a maxed out Heavy Plate user so needless to say, I was a walking tank and a shield user besides.

      Long story short, I literally pimp stroll up the battlements, the guards feeble swords not even scratching my health before it regenerated. Using my voice to scare off the more persistent ones (because I am THE MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONBORN) I continue my manful stride into town, leaving my comrades to sortie with the guards and imperial soldiers that again, were not having much luck taking me down. I continue to break down barricades - with my fist, to underscore the chief reason I am not to be fucked with.

      I enter the palace, presumable by kicking the two foot thick oak door in with a boot made of bone, then I pointedly ignore the jarl's housecarl and steward and proceed to beat the ever loving shit out of the Jarl using only my shield bash. Seconds later, he agrees I am, indeed, a poor opponent to fuck with. He leaves with his household and a family I am friendly with assumes control over the city. I then went to my house in the city and had lunch with my own housecarl who was surprisingly okay with all of this.

      And that, my friends, is how I conquered a city without ending a single life


      Share your awesome Skyrim stories in the comments!

    • 7 years ago

    • 7 years ago

    • Y U DO DIS?

      7 years ago


      So I currently work in a Deli/Bagel Shop in Queens.

      One of my major pet peeves is when customers suck at placing orders at my job.


      Rule number 1: Please only talk to me when you know what you want. I don't feel like hearing "Um...let me get...um....um...............................ok..I'll have a-" for a long minute especially when there's 20 PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ready to punch you in the throat cause they haven't had their morning coffee yet.

      Rule number 2: Know the correct order of how to say things. WHO TAUGHT YOU PEOPLE HOW TO ORDER FOOD?
      Do you know how ridiculous it is to hear "Can i have toast with butter on white bread?" or "Swiss, turkey, salt and pepper, onions, on a hero with peppers. Oh and can you toast that and put some mustard on that. i also want a coffee 3 sugars and skim, medium."

      My face: wjdbs.jpg

      *pulls out Desert Eagle to the head*

      Confusing no?

      My ideal customer would order like this:

      "White Bread Toast With Butter."

      "Turkey, swiss, onions, peppers, with mustard on a toasted hero with salt and pepper."

      And IF you have me toast something. I WILL return to you while that's toasting and ask if there is anything else you would like.
      And THEN you can mention the coffee's cause those take like 10 seconds to do.

      Rule number 3: Please DO NOT add anything else to the order when im already bagging your stuff up and your fucking price is already displayed on the register.
      I get it, though, because people do forget things at times. But don't order another five things that you already knew you wanted at the last minute. You assholes.

      Rule number 4: Unless you're ordering only this, please save the coffee orders for the very last! If you have me make 3 coffees, then ask me to go make you a toasted something.
      DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I JUST WASTED? Its so counterproductive its not even funny. Its always fun to just stare at your breakfast scrolling through the toaster early in the morning.

      Rule number 5: Please don't wait till I put your food in a brown bag, THEN a goddamn plastic shopping bag to tell me you plan on staying to eat in the store.
      AS YOU SPENT A MINUTE WATCHING ME DO IT. I'll hate you, and murder all your pets

    • Brass Monkey!

      7 years ago


      So I was over my friends place messing around on her Mac laptop, taking stupid pictures on iPhoto.
      Next to her bed was this monkey. I didn't even notice the monkey first. It was his awesome shirt with a pattern of fire-breathing dragons all over it.


      I played around with it for a few minutes, until my friend came back in the room.
      She flops down on the bed next to me and says "His nose is missing. Some bitch at rehab stole it to masturbate with." ALL FUCKING CASUALLY.

      Turns out, its 100% true. My friend was living at an all-girl rehab for a year.
      The number one complaint about most roommates is that some older ladies get busy with each other, even if their roommates are sleeping in the bed 5 ft away.
      The roommate was sick of her complaining, so she just yanked that shit off the monkeys face.

      Oh, and she got the monkeys t-shirt from a Good Will service. Turns out it was a donation for baby clothes.

      But babies can't even appreciate awesome shirts, so fuck them.

    • My Solution For Incompetent Ninjas

      7 years ago


      You would have thought that we would have thought that the ninja was getting incompetent around the time we had to send the sea turtle (and a big one) in to get Benjamin Franklin. Okay, yes, the ninja did all the requisite cutting and stuff, what with blood everywhere, but it takes a little bit more than some wishy washy mystical claptrap and some black pajamas to take out the man who invented bifocals, the swimfin, and electricity. This isn't even some revisionist, steam punk Benjamin Franklin, either, just the normal one, although a normal one that is inexplicable living - and dying - in the year 2007. So we had to send the sea turtle in to finish the job. I don't know where the flipping ninja ran away to, to hide. That is the thing about ninjas - one moment, pure violence, and the next they are needing to go off on a retreat to meditate, and do yoga like they are some menstrual housewife getting in touch with her feelings. That shit is always annoying, but it isn't the ninjas' point of failure.


      No, see, the point of ninja failure has nothing to do with grappling hooks that come loose, or even caltrops that cause about as much damage as legos on your bedroom floor at night. The problem with ninjas is that they are supposed to be secretive. And by now, ninjas have been in and out of fashion since the 1970s. First there is James Clavell, who alerted occidentals to the fact that along with being generally scheming and amoral, the little yellow people also could cut your throats in your sleep. Okay, that was a hit. In a way, the 1980s was perhaps a reprieve because the ninjas thrown into the public eye were so improbable that people started letting the ninja myth be just a myth: in much the same way that those wily Jews have fooled people into thinking that they really aren't controlling the world from Zurich, since everyone knows the Greys aren't real, and they never even think about the Saurians, who are not, of course, ninjas. But now, in the 2000s, ninjas are too far in the public eye: the ninja mask is more iconic that the crown of a king, a symbol that every young person knows and can refer to.

      And this, you see, is the ninjas' failure. They could have been happy, skulking in the shadows, killing someone once in a while, and then sneaking off to do that damn meditating (at which they do to look serious) and then play jacks (which is what they really do for fun). But no, they had to go for the money. It might have been pogs that started them, something that broke up the ninjas happy off-duty recreational togetherness and sent them into a mad dash for money that left them looking for royalties for the appearance on any website that a stoned college kid could come up with at 3 AM---and trust me, they can come up with a lot! And then the greed and lust appears (as much as lust is a motivating factor among people who spend all their time covered up in black pyjamas and playing, if you forgive the innuendo, jacks.) And gluttony. Ninjas used to be lean and vicious, but after too much marijuana while thinking up for ideas for flash videos, they start coming home with the raw smell of Nutter Butters on them, and there you go. Okay, it might be still worthwhile to send a ninja after someone who you don't need a competent job done on---someone who isn't Ben Franklin, if you know what I mean. Just the other day, I had a contract put out on a county health inspector who was going to close down some restaurant in suburban Wisconsin, and three or four ninjas, after some prodding and succesories posters-style inspiration, were able to take him down. But mostly because the restaurant promised them free milkshakes. But for a Ben Franklin style job, or tracking down Bunyips, I wouldn't send a ninja anymore. Don't even get me started on the Victorian/Tasmanian border situation.


      Now, what comes next you might wonder? Well, we are going to try to gently retire the ninjas, have them teaching "finding your inner warrior" seminars to businessmen and/or menstrual housewives (we might schedule one or two to appear on Oprah). Then, we find our new agents: Kangarobots, of course, in development for the aforementioned situation for raw muscle, iron and hopping, and for stealth: for stealth, we take My Chemical Romance, after teenage girls have rediscovered more normal infatuations, and we give them the biggest, most vicious weapons imaginable. Problem solved.

    • Toy Review! Jabba Glob

      7 years ago


      I'm not sure I even know what to write about Jabba Glob.

      I think it's more fun if you just discover it on your own, maybe investigate it on the internet.

      I don't even want to talk about Star Wars, just Jabba Glob.

      When this came out, with The Phantom Menace, I thought it was the worst idea ever. Mind you, I bought Naboo Starfighter stationary and I thought THIS was the worst.


      But this came in the mail today and I wanted to share it with you.
      He looks so happy...

      Notice the "YUM!"

      You only got one shot at this glob, so you had to make it count.

      The package of slime will lay sealed under my bed, waiting for it's moment.

      Hundreds of years from now, my widow will sit on a hill, spoon feeding my ashes into Jabbas mouth. As my remains mix with one fluid ounce of glob...he will find comfort. Knowing that I've finally gone home.
      This fucking thing is incredible...

    • 7 years ago

    • 2019 years ago

  • Comments (3)

    • FrankNico FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      "Full-time Biology Student, Part-time Gamer. I can also rap three Beastie Boys songs perfectly."
      And this is why you're awesome.

    • Dylon

      7 years ago

      INTERNET BOX!!!!!!!!

    • Thoric FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Yikes

      7 years ago

      Do I get a cookie for being first?

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