Kevlar

Male
from North Providence, RI

  • Activity

    • He Wants the Big Fish, Part 2

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      The goading continues. Please read this for background.

      To: jackpeace@comcast.net

      Wait! Jack! I was just reading more on what you said about The Sims 2 and I realized: nothing is censored under my clothes! Clearly some hackers must have 'modded' my videogame-playing mind to an egregious extent!

      What can be done about this? Jack Thompson, I demand you stand up immediately to prevent the United States from being destroyed by a wave of Sims 2-inspired nudity! It could destroy us all!

      My suggestion? Iron-wrought codpieces.

      Not only will it protect my precious unmentionables, it will provide them with a level of strength heretofore unheard of in videogame-playing males! Now I'll be able to forcefully rape an entire grassy plain of elephants before getting tired!

      Then I will blame videogames and retire to the boudoir, pipe in hand, where we may discuss well-turned ankles over the roaring fire.

      ...I knew you'd like the idea.

      Sincerely beginning schematics for the Codpiece of Doom,
      -Kev

    • I Am Corporate America, Volume 3

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      Monday mornings in the workplace are an optimal time for for developing the week's plans, laying out a course of action and following through. Initiative is key.

      From: Jonathan D*****
      Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 7:26 AM
      To: M********, Kevin
      Subject: Hmm


      Marshmallow cakes!!!

      Jonathan "Yums" D*****

      ---------------------------------

      From: M********, Kevin
      Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 8:38 AM
      To: Jonathan D*****
      Subject: RE: Hmm


      Marshmallow DEATH.

      Kevin "Screw your snacks" M********

      ---------------------------------

      From: Jonathan D*****
      Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 8:39 AM
      To: M********, Kevin
      Subject: RE: Hmm


      Ugh. Killjoy. All my marshmallows are scared of you now.

      Jonathan "No Yums" D*****

      ---------------------------------

      From: M********, Kevin
      Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 8:41 AM
      To: Jonathan D*****
      Subject: RE: Hmm


      They should be. I am the Marshmallow Tyrant, spurned from this world eons ago in the great Marshmallow Wars and have returned to claim my prize amidst their succulent corpses.

      Kevin "Dum'Fukorr, Demon of Shadows" M********

      ---------------------------------

      From: M********, Kevin
      Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 8:47 AM
      To: Jonathan D*****
      Subject: RE: Hmm


      DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND EATER OF ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS.

      *chews*

      Mpph plague dhraws mere an allll hoo sthan in mhy way shall pherishh in a phiery masticashion of dooooooom! Consigne to a a shticky smore fate!

      Kevin "brb bbq" M********

      ----------------------

      From: M********, Kevin
      Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 8:55 AM
      To: Jonathan D*****
      Subject: RE: Hmm


      What are you doing, work? Or are you avoiding the inevitable?

      ...I hope your marshmallows quake! Quake in their... boots! Their tasty, tasty marshboots!

      *chews*

      PHE END IS MERE.

      -Kevin "getting bored" M********
      it's time for me to go

    • I Am Corporate America, Volume 2

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      ...So I thought that the punchline would be funnier without the actual backing story. I also wanted to imagine the looks on your respective faces and laugh at your confusion.

      Being your bestest friend and all.

      The reality is that, simply, my story is like Jerm's. My office has a preternatural ability to determine when my boss takes a day off and ramp up the difficulty setting in compensation. Perhaps it's intended to humble me on a daily basis but I really don't like where it's going. Every time she's out the situation grows more severe! I mean, after yesterday I honestly expect the building to explode next time. The gods will laugh as I struggle through the rubble, using my remaining stump to type out the messages she missed while she was out. I will then put "PS: Shit blew up." and collapse.

      And I will be triumphant.

      Oh, right. Yesterday. Yesterday began with a simple meeting between myself and the head of the department. As we're talking...

      WhirrrrRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrr..brrraaaAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEE...

      Physical plant has decided to install a sink next to my office in the janitor closet. On a whim. Their not doing it on the weekend is what left my office with water on the floor. The hallway is littered with heavy equipment.

      I try to continue to sound intelligent as the noise of plumbing progress increases steadily. (It's been 40 minutes of noise and we're supposed to have a meeting with someone in 15 minutes.) They may have ruined my entire morning... But I can beat this thing.

      In compensation, fate decides to set off the godfuckingdamn fire alarm.

      So we clear out of our offices and head down to her office for the real meeting. On return, everything has amazingly left. Is it possible we could salvage the day when the entire morning has been ruined? Did they really install the sink in the closet?

      I opened the door to a concentrated blast of plumbing sealant vapor that had been bottled up like some trap around a sarcophagus. Crude and otherworldly, it caught me completely by surprise. Imagine nail polish remover employed in concentrated form as a chemical weapon. I mean, if nail polish remover wasn't already a chemical weapon.

      "Wow... That's.. *giggle* strong!"
      "Yeah. I don't know if we should... *sniffle* Stay around here. This seems kind of potent."
      *sniffle*
      *giggle*
      (continue for 10 minutes)

      So, my 65 year-old boss and I kicked each other out of work for being high. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

      ...And it was a smell I won't soon forget. Smelled like office efficiency.

      -Kev
      Sucking in the air
      Wire across the stair

    • I Am Corporate America, Volume 2

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      My boss and I just sent each other home early for being high.

      Don't ask.


      -Kev
      hell yes

    • Prelude to Travelogue

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      While driving on I-95 last week...

      Kev: Dear Sweet Venerable Lord of Some Kind, that is a large "Drive Safely" sign!
      Jon: I know! Isn't it?
      Kev: Well, it's definitely visible. Doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose of a reminder to drive safely when there's so much to take in? Don't you pay more attention to the sign than the road?
      Jon: You're right.
      Kev: I wonder if they ever have people that drive right into the sign. You know, higher incidence of crashes around the gigantic billboard of the cop and his doughnut (literally) ordering us to not die.

      drive_safely.jpg

      Jon: Hah, yeah! They should put sandbags around the base of the sign.
      Kev: No, no. If they're going to imagine this actually makes us safer, let's not do it half-assed.

      wiener-mobile.jpg

      Jon: Ok. What do you have in mind?
      Kev: Well, we've got the sign, right?
      Jon: Yup.
      Kev: And we've got our car, right?

      standard.jpg

      Jon: Yup.
      Kev: And we want people to pay attention to us.

      021%20Crazy%20clown%20-%20March%202004.j

      Jon: Yup.
      Kev: Ok, so why not put the billboard directly over the highway?
      Jon: That doesn't sound all that special.
      Kev: That's because I haven't told you about the ramp.
      Jon: Ohhh.
      Jon: Um, where does the ramp go?
      Kev: Are you not paying attention?! It leads right up to the cop's mouth! Or the donut hole. I haven't figured out which yet.
      Jon: So you want people to stunt jump through the Drive Safely sign while reading it?

      th_piperamp.jpg

      Kev: I know, I know. It's a little unrealistic.
      Kev: That's why the sign will also bellow "DRIVE SAFELY" to you as you hurtle through the air towards pavement unknown. In case you didn't read it.
      Jon: Ooh! Can the cop's mouth or donut hole be on fire?
      Kev: What are you, insane?
      Jon: ... But I tho--
      Kev: It's cliche!
      Kev: So let's start thinking abou--

      Lesley: Oh my God I can't believe I've been listening to all of this. STOP TALKING.








      Kev: ...Definitely the donut hole.

      -Kev
      krafty

    • Alternate Angles

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      So my watchlist has been massively full since I came back from the event, and no amount of clicking is slowing it down. This may be too much for my lil' old modem to handle.

      But I am happy to have gotten the friend requests and want to take on the challenge of keeping up with more of you lovely people. Since Toronto has been covered from every possible angle alive, I will try to cover the parts you didn't see - the bus ride, specifically - in a way you haven't heard quite yet. (Apologies to those that already know part of the story.)

      Again, I tried to say it in person but thanks to the crew for hosting such a great event; I know how much work goes into something that size. And great to have met everyone!

      Now, to sleep. For ten years.

      -Kev
      the deep end

      EDIT: You see this guy in the Tour De France that rode right off the side of a mountain? Who rides right off a goddamnfucking mountain? This is one of the top riders in the world and even he can't handle eating his snack cake or ho ho or whatever the hell it was he was eating while trying to race. I mean, seriously.

      Ok, ok, maybe I'm being a little harsh. I would be the one eating the snack cake while in the middle of international competition. He probably had a power bar and would be way ahead of me in the pack.

      I, however, would also not be plummeting to my doom. Because I know how to ride a bike. Who let that guy in?

    • Rant: Atonal

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      Motherbitches. At first I thought Nextel was the extent of my problems, but this? This is too much.

      Samsung, you've got to understand. Your phone is functional. It's easy to hold in my hand. You still make devices that don't have to take pictures or make toast or offer to let me prank-call Vincent Price from beyond the grave and that is respectable. But when you say you've given me all variety of ringtones, did you ever think to include ACTUAL RINGS IN THE FUCKING PACKAGE?

      No, you're right, I don't really need one. I always keep the phone on vibrate because I like the feeling of it nestled against my bosom, purring gently. I would, however, like the opportunity to not sound like a fuckwit when my phone goes off while I'm out of the house.

      Let's look through what I could choose from instead of an actual phone-that-sounds-like-a-phone: I've got a cat meowing.

      This is the DEFAULT SOUND.

      I've got a horse whinnying. I've got the wedding bells and the polka song and every other sound which is on every fucking Samsung phone in existence. Why was the ubiquitous ring not included with the ubiquitous polka song? Hell, I don't know. I'd make the case that you want me to get more ringtones from a 3rd party provider - like ones I might actually want - but I know they only carry every song ever conceived in 50 Cent's vacuous womb. And I refuse to pay Two Hundred Ninety Nine Cent for some garbled drunk wail that blows out my tiny speaker every time some idiot calls me a month too late for a job interview.

      Does this make any logical sense to any of you? What is the purpose of turning your phone into the play center for all the latest sensational pop hits? I can't even get away from this tripe on a daily basis with the amount it gets played everywhere - college radio, people's cars, people's phones - so does it make sense for you, the callee, to have a ring that mimics every other fucking noise in the air at the moment? That's like going into the Amazon and setting your ringtone to Nature Sounds.

      Have I mentioned I can't stand rap songs in shitty quality being blasted from a 2-cm exposure on a girl's hip? I mean, as if it isn't bad enough to have to listen to all day in every other form. Then I hear it in super dead-cat shit version, my eye starts twitching, and I have to look down to identify the sound source. Then she looks at me like I'm the twitchy-eyed creep.

      I am BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

      Now, given the above I might consider the ability to create my own ringtones to be good. (You know, maybe I could go back in time to one of those spartan real phones and record what a real fucking ring sounds like.) But what I have heard in recent times has made me want to beat more people to death than normal.

      Can you guess where I'm going? Fucking phones that have people's voices instructing the idiot attached to the device to flip it open? Have you heard this before? I actually was in a liquor store the other day (surprised?) and heard "Answer me. Why won't you answer me?" at least FIVE times before the asshole opened his phone. (Being that it's Rhode Island, it's more like "Ansame! Why won't ya aaansa me?!")

      Come on. Now that you've taken the time to actually match the ring to the voice of the termagant who's pestering you, wouldn't it help you to recognize your impending call of doom that much quicker? Or are you too busy trying to get around your bucket of Corona to get to your toast-making, camera-holding Vincent-Price-calling prescient cell phone that doesn't actually have a real ring?

      Well? Ansa me! WHY WON'T YOU AAAANSAMEEEEE?!


      -Kev
      let me take you back
      to the time when we were chasing all the girls

    • Arduous Journeys

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      While I plan for The Event one week from today... My ticket sales site misbehaves. What is this place?

      Are you a Banker from Boston?
      >No, I am an asshole from Providence. *click*

      When do you plan on leaving for Toronto?
      >July. *click*

      Your schedules are as follows:

      Providence, RI to Toronto, ON
      1 Layover(s), 22 hours

      Providence, RI to Toronto, ON
      2 Layover(s), 13 hours

      Please select your trip details.
      >Well, shit. How could I not want the 22-hour extravaganza? *angry click*

      We recommend you take at least two sets of clothes per person. How many sets will you bring?
      >What? Um, three. *click*

      You begin on the Toronto Trip.
      >Yeah, sure. How do I print my tickets? *click*

      You have reached... LAKE ONTARIO.
      *doot - doodoo dootdoo dee deeeeeee!*
      Do you (C)aulk the wagon, (F)ord the river or (W)ait for a ferry?
      >What? I'm not in a goddamn wagon.
      You have chosen to wait for a ferry. Your food is running low.
      >Oh come on.
      No, you come on.
      You have chosen to caulk the wagon. It overturns! You lose two oxen.

      >Fuck you.
      And you now have... DYSENTERY.
      *doot - doodoo dootdoo dee deeeeeee!*

      >...*clickclickclickviolentclickTHROWSMOUSE*.

      -Kev
      just when you thought you'd seen it all

    • The Unspam Diaries, Volume 2

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      The holy war continues.

      Dear Amazon,
      Please retract your speculum from my inbox.

      No, seriously. A while ago I ordered some meaningless audio CDs from you and months later - months - I sense a great thrashing about in my email account, like someone's trying to hold it open and stuff as much annoying shit in there as possible. I suspected it was going to be my old nemesis Sharper Image and when I found it to be you I have to admit I was very disappointed. So disappointed I wanted to drive down to your nearest warehouse and cover it in human waste. Since when does the Amazon hold such dark email machinations? Allow me to quote:

      "You were recommended Involver because you purchased or rated Y4K. You are 1,961 times more likely to purchase this item than other customers."

      What? Is that supposed to make me feel better about you not only invading my privacy but also trying to cover up for it with statistics? Do you think I'm Statistics Man, eating and vomiting numbers into other people's mouths like baby birds for daily sustenance? The world does not run on pointless figures and I don't need to hear about it. As a matter of fact, your blunt presentation has made me 1,961 times less likely to purchase a damn CD from you.

      You've got to finesse! I mean, if you're going to be violating my inbox in the middle of the night anyway, why not show it a good time? Say, "Hey, don't tell anyone I told you this but the latest album by Sasha thinks you're cute." You know, something like that to get me interested. Don't bend over and present like an animal. Or me on a Friday night.

      *continues reading email*

      You even have a name for it? The recommendation algorithm? That implies you actually had meetings and paid someone to come up with a completely useless and insulting feature. (That definitely earns some Crap Points.) I can't even imagine how incongruous those must have been:

      Suit 1: Our techno demographic appears to be 5,738 times more like to buy techno than our romance novel demographic.
      Boss: Brilliant!
      Suit 2: Shouldn't we use that information to cater our email advertising to targeted markets? Extra management terms?
      Suit 1: I've got one better. We'll not only target them, but we'll also tell them just what kind of research we've been doing on them. They'll consider our likelihood of purchase predictions to be fate and thus will be forced to buy all of it! Muahaha!
      Boss: Brilliant!
      Bob the Janitor: Doesn't that sound kind of insulting to the consumer?
      Suit 2: Why are you even in this meeting, Bob?
      Bob the Janitor: Hey, I called the conference table first. Maybe you should schedule your meetings around my naptime.
      Boss: ...Brilliant!

      I'm sorry, you wanted feedback on improving your recommendation algorithm? It's an algorithm when it apparently takes bands I've ordered music from and recommends their most expensive imports? And it's beneficial somehow?

      That's like if I were to follow you around in the grocery store yelling "YOU ARE 15 BILLION TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BUY THIS PEANUT BUTTER INSTEAD OF THAT PEANUT BUTTER *cough* becauseitcostsmore". And then try to choke you with the peanut butter.

      Look, that shit ain't gonna fly - unless it's coming from my fortified poo compound. And until you decide to take me off your list that I just magically happened to pop out on, I'm not going to stop giving you crap because I'm pis---

      Look. Poop. I'm calling you poop, ok? And you're ugly.


      Sincerely hoping this email makes you 15,000 times more likely to contract a disease,
      -Kev
      they play in the devil's key
      an endless symphony

    • Coordinates & Impetus

      14 years ago

      Kevlar

      Thank you, all, for the recharge. It reminds me where I should be. You all had me dangerously honest for a bit.

      I hope to be making some more updates soon. And if not? Too damn bad.

      You want a questions post? There's only one question: What essential bathroom component you require for hygeine will I defile while you sleep if you ask me to do a goddamn questions post again? Don't make me clean the nearest steamboat with your toothbrush.

      Layers? I scoff at layers unless you count drinking and screwing.

      I'm back.

      Oh, and Canada? It's on.

      -Kev
      only you can decipher the riddle.
      MING.

  • About Me

  • Comments (107)

    • Shadow_Nin

      14 years ago

      Kinzai Ninjas coming soon, watch for it.

      *Ninja smack!*

    • icehcky8

      14 years ago

      "Go ahead, tell me to put another bunny or penguin or fucking ASCII space shuttle in my profile. How about I put a bunny screwing a penguin screwing your dead ancestors?"

      Since I can't draw things with ASCII (or a pencil for that matter), can you draw me a bunny screwing a penguin anyways?

    • Gee

      14 years ago

      i%20love%20you%202.JPG

    • dyskrasia

      14 years ago

      Just provide your fine little self and we're good to go.

    • Dublyner

      14 years ago

      Filthy, filthy lurker.

    • Larith

      14 years ago

      It’s the same characters just in a different situation. They are on the run so I guess they don’t have time to make fish people lol. I liked Devils Rejects better than House of a 1000 Corpses. they are both great though

    • mizzle

      14 years ago

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

      That's ok, though.

      It's forever indented upon my pelvis, too.

    • Dublyner

      14 years ago

      Yes, we are hardcore.

      And we have jobs.

    • wingnut80

      14 years ago

      I'll hit you whenever I want! Now go get me a beer!

    • sjudrum

      14 years ago

      Well ... your foot picture sure didn't last long.

    • Cockbiter

      14 years ago

      DANCE, EVERYBODY, DANCE!

    • Cockbiter

      14 years ago

      Call upon me at will; I will not forget your gratitude.

    • Cheesiest

      14 years ago

      is your name "Kevin or Kevan". this i need to know

    • Razzy

      14 years ago

      * Guster (not Buster)

      It's also official that I cannot spell.

    • Razzy

      14 years ago

      It's now official .... I am old.

      As I look through your favorite music list, I find that I only know music by Beck, Bob Marley, NIN, and Daft Punk and have only heard OF Modest Mouse, Buster, and Flogging Molly.

      This is sad. Why is this sad? Because I worked in the record industry in NYC and LA for over 10 years. Now ... I'm so out of the loop, it's sickening.

      * sign *

    • sjudrum

      14 years ago

      I definitely did not peg you as an Opeth guy.

    • pt606

      14 years ago

      Nah, we don't use the Barrett. It's on loan from the California Highway Patrol. Go to this image and read the comments to see the rest of the story.

      BTW, the Barrett photos were staged, since very few of the guys in my department have actually ever fired or handled one, we wanted to take pics with it. You know, like meeting a movie star! You may not be buddies, but you sure act friendly in the photographs...

    • dyskrasia

      14 years ago

      No! The super sexy specs pic is gone! :sobs: smiley2.gif

    • lanik323

      14 years ago

      garbeldina?

      he's like, a complete square.

    • Gee

      14 years ago

      no replies for Gee!!

      [/whinebitchcomplain]

    • Old_Dirty

      14 years ago

      OK. I brought it. Now what?

    • Kevlar

      14 years ago

      That should be +1 Coy, miss. smiley8.gif

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      I saw 11) outside the bar. And thought nothing of it. I was just like, "oh, penisface has arrived" and went back to what I was doing.


      What was that? smiley6.gif

    • jaspreet007

      14 years ago

      it was awesome meeting you dude! yea i'll start drinking beer in a couple of yrs dont worry =P

    • Microbe

      14 years ago

      Done... and... done smiley0.gif

    • sjudrum

      14 years ago

      lukkev.jpg

      What … the … fuck?

      How difficult was it to immigrate to America?

      Did they make you fill out a lot of paperwork in Hobbiton?

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      I was drinking Fosters!

    • Shadow_Nin

      14 years ago

      Picture036.jpg

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      I'm prepared to fight for you

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      Is there Kevlar with Lime?

    • FieryPhoenix

      14 years ago

      Snort a pixie stick and be high on life....

      I kill myself.... :D

    • ygrof

      14 years ago

      OMG Kev got an award!!

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      Insert random sexual innuendo

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      GO TO BED!

    • enchanter

      14 years ago

      rejected

      hell yes

    • wingnut80

      14 years ago

      I love that you think I am crazy enough to constitute an entire mob.

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      Are you affliated with disney on ice?

    • FieryPhoenix

      14 years ago

      *drool*

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      COME!!!

      People that will be there (pretty much for sure):
      DiMono, Microbe, Thundera, Gee, Shashi, Capt_Ed, Haxx0r, Blawndee, Rue_Morgue, and ME :)

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      DO IT. smiley12.gif

      J/K smiley0.gif

    • Lukie

      14 years ago

      You are on fire :) HOT HOT HOT

    • joehumanity

      14 years ago

      Stop mocking me with your constantly changing custom titles, you brazen hussy.

    • holpar

      14 years ago

      Awesome music selection!!

    • sjudrum

      14 years ago

      Apr24%5e49.JPG

    • sjudrum

      14 years ago

      Apr24%5e43.JPG

    • green_eyes

      14 years ago

      St. Patrick's Day birthdays rock my face off...in case you couldn't tell, mine is on St. Patty's Day too :)

    • ToolPackinMa

      14 years ago

      Memento was a cool-ass movie.

    • wingnut80

      14 years ago

      Ummm...Disent? What the fuck? That isn't even close to Disney. Please pardon that little typing seizure.

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