from Columbus, OH

  • Activity

    • Meh.

      11 years ago


      Tears fight to fall,
      But I have no time to let them.

      Must make the grade,
      And make the check.

      I feel so devoid of love,
      Yet know I am very much loved.

      Am I not greatful for all that God has done for me as of late?
      Has He not given me a job when I needed it most, when I asked for it, and the kind that I asked for?

      Has He not given me the strength to remain high and on the deans list for both years here?

      Am I selfish?

      An emptiness plagues me, eats at me, makes me angry and bitter at my own circumstance. Even though I am so blessed.

      What Evil is this that invades my soul and attacks my mind?

      I laugh when I am with friends, and am happy in companionship. Or at least I am on the outside, on the inside I am screaming for help, longing for them to see my suffering, but wish not to drive them away like I did before. How can I ask for help to fight an Evil I myself do not know?

      My mind tells me I am fine.

      Yet my heart is weary, and my shoulders are burdened.

      The battle between will and intellect is not a new one for me, but some battle beyond what I can even see plagues me.

      I write, in hope that in my rant to the voiceless responders, that I may create some revelation to myself of my own invisible plight.

      I deem myself in want of a companion, but why? I have not the time, nor the energy for one. A christian companion perhaps to help fight off this Evil which attacks me? I do not know for certain what it is that I require, only that I require something, and I pray God shows me what I have to do to become healed.

      Distractions will not save my soul, and whatever it is threatens my fragile stability. I can only plow on, do my daily activities, smile and laugh with my friends, and hope God reveals to me my thorn and how I may remove it.

    • Loneliness.

      11 years ago


      I doubt anyone will read this, and those that would I do not fear if they do.

      On Facebook, there are those that could use such information to harm me.

      I'd like to start off by saying, that to think I need anyone else, for me has been a view of weakness. While the support of friends may be a help, I'd like to think that I could do anything/ everything on my own with no reluctance.

      Yet lately, a pain has burdened my chest, that I have this desire to fall to tears in only want of a hug.

      Simple affection.

      I see my friends all cuddled up and want to join them, but don't, because I'm self-conscious. I'm pretty sure they'd think it was weird, think I'm nasty, and all these things in my mind.

      It's strange, to hurt, for such a simple thing as touch. Psychology says it is because I've a childhood devoid of physical affection.

      But it plagues me all the same.

      It stifles my creativity, my drive to do things, and many aspects of my life. This pain hurts like any other, save perhaps the times I felt distant from God, in which only that pain was the greater.

      While I hurt from lack of even simple affections, the want of a partner with which to share my trials and my victories, hurts as a constant throb in the backdrop of my life.

      Oh there are people here I'd wish knew the suffering behind the eyes, and laughter of the one they perceive as myself. Yet, I dare not risk telling many, for I've found that my core thoughts and feelings are targets of moching/ trickery, and cruelty in reality.

      So I suffer, silently.

    • Creation's Forgiving Beauty

      11 years ago


      Aromas of sulfur and carbon are intoxicating,
      Not only to the lungs,
      But also to the mind.

      The body becomes immune and thinks not of its pollutants,
      But the mind only ceases to forget,
      What the world was without it.

      City cars, and smoke stacks take away the beauty,
      The beauty of nature,
      With its smell of grass and pine,
      So that the beauty of creation,
      Becomes lost with the mind now made blind.

      But oh creation's beauty is graceful,
      And will never forget,
      No matter how the mind passes over,
      Concerned with its next test.

      All it takes is one stroll,
      Through the plains or forest,
      For the beauty to play upon the mind,
      And open its eyes once more.

      The lungs take in the fresh air with thirst,
      The senses flood with flower and with water,
      So that the body awakes to beauty,
      Of where it does belong.

      Nature holds no grudge,
      Creation bears no ill will,
      It forgives with the presence,
      Of the body and mind to be made well.

      Colors in dazzling array in autumn will please the eyes,
      While sparkles of winter ice glimmer to continue
      Creation's shine,
      In Spring there is green where once there was brown,
      And Summer's beaches have the power to take away many frowns.

      She never sleeps, Creation, and she never will forget,
      No matter how the city smells,
      Or how the busy spells,
      Do make the person neglect,
      Neglect to see and smile,
      Neglect to walk the mile,
      And appreciate her ceaseless work.

      God's forgiveness in beauty washes the senses clean,
      Look into creation,
      Lest the life one leads will numb the body,
      And blind the mind.

    • Stormy Seas

      11 years ago


      A jagged line of lightning shoots down from the heavens,
      Heralded by the sound of a thousand cannons,
      Blinding eyes of prolific thinkers,
      Confuscating minds of the same with half truths and half hypocrisies.

      A glittering spray raises from the impact of heaven's cannonade,
      And cries for aide drown in the sea of cannons,
      While the wind howls in protest at this invasion,
      As in vain as those thinkers who try to explain
      Why the sails are now torn.

      Torn by mistrust,
      Torn by hard rains,
      Torn by a lack of gentle hugs,
      Torn by a lack of smiles,
      Torn by misdeeds.

      The seas rush port and crash,
      Water floods the deck,
      Men grab the lines and try to keep afloat,
      The ship protests against the storm,
      Planks whine and moan almost as loud as the cannons and howls of the wind in their own war.

      Terror by the broken sail,
      But the ship must go on,
      Even though it begins to hail,
      The ship goes on,
      Lost to the torrent of the seas,
      The tempest of the skies,
      And fear of men.

    • Check out the ODU Radio Station.

      11 years ago


      Radio Odu

      Click on the link above to listen to John Elrich, and myself, do a radio show at Ohio Dominican University. It's the place that has connected IdriveSHEILA, sniperfidy, and myself outside of the e-verse and in the real universe.

      We play music 8-10pm Eastern Scheduled every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and sometimes come on earlier.

      For requests, contact me at for Yahoo and Windows Live Messenger folk.

      Or. for Aol Instant Messenger folk.

    • A ting of philia, lots of lust (eros)

      11 years ago


      Old Writing
      "Philia is quite simply the love between friends. The expectation to be cared for and the caring for another. It is a mutually beneficial type love that, while not completely selfless, does support others in their times of need. It is what has given many the strength through the most depressive of times to persevere and continue on in life.

      This type of love, is nearly obvious, for any that has ever had a friend."

      New thoughts

      When I last wrote on my self reflection into the types of love, it becomes apparent that I was struggling most with Eros. I hardly touched on philia, when it is is so important to my survival. Without my friends, such as Ray and Steph, I'd be completely lost. This is not to say that I ought depend on them, but I think God (agape) places these people in my life for a reason. When I was lost in my depression, undesirable by any, Ray was there to push me out of my room and help me on my feet.

      When I feel there is not another servant of God there to be close to me, and that no one will understand why I think the things I do. Steph is there, and I thank the lord that she is.

      Philia isn't just a side-note, it's what allows us, or at least me, to continue when loneliness and hardships have a want to drive me to a halt. The self-sacrifice that a friend does for another is a tinge of that selfless love found in Agape, but there's a reciprocation that's not needed in true Agape.

      Old Writing.
      "Eros has a rather negative connotation, and some would argue denotation. Lust as a desire for the possession of another is seen as both selfish, and greedy. It's not hard to see how wishing to enslave someone to their will is negative, especially in this society which so highly prizes freedom. Lust has the ability to destroy relationships, from beginning to end.

      If an intimacy is born of lust on both parties, it may flare and end in a one night stand. Having satisfied the carnal desire for pleasure from the bodies and beauties of one another, they no longer hold reason to relate. This is usually the most erotic, sensuous, and perhaps common in today's "pleasure seeking" society. In a culture where if it feels right, then it is right.

      I believe this leads to a degradation of the soul, where physical love is then reduced to lust and hope of true intimacy becomes overshadowed by fear of this flaring Eros. Does one hold a deep philia, or wish to partake in the truest image of agape, or merely satisfy a bestial desire? Those who have given to this type of Eros, I believe, will often find themselves questioning their own intentions and reasons for love more oft than those who do not give into such lusts.

      Perhaps a relationship develops off a mutual lust of one another.This is the love where it is so shallow, that it is almost hard to detect. Some mutual desire for the other is satisfied longer than a night...The couple is merely in love with being in love. The "I love yous" flow freely, and the hugs/ physical contact with it. There is no depth except that it is fueled by the emotional high that being with the other gives them. The relationship may seem extremely strong, but then crash when one or both parties come to a realization that there is no foundation or common intimacy anything deeper than the words and skin.

      For example, a person wishes to relate on a perspective of suffering. They feel a pain that, not wishing pity, they wish to discuss and talk about. The other with no such perspective on suffering struggles to find a common ground, and the sudden conflict erupts into an emotional argument that is often times devastating. The relationship ends as strongly as it began.

      It can also cause suffering, when one lusts after the other and it is not returned. This lust is felt in the heart and the mind of an individual, who wants the person so strongly they act irrationally and obsess. The appearance, the idea of the beauty of the other, all of it becomes more important than the person his/herself. This type of Eros can be incredibly painful for the luster and the lusted. The luster's want to dominate the other, leads him/her to grab all the attention he/she can from the lusted and becomes jealous or envious of others. The luster loses focus on all other aspects of life, dominated by the will of the lusted in hopes of gaining some of that wanted beauty. The luster's life in wishing to dominate, becomes dominated by this Eros love.

      The lusted has no easier time, especially if the lusted is of charitable heart. They feel obligated in some sense to ease the pain of the luster, and sometimes are burdened with guilt or shame merely because they hold a beauty that attracts another. Perhaps no guilt is felt, but the lusted still get annoyed or irritated by the luster who spends so many resources in a vain attempt to get ahold of the lusted.

      I believe there is a potential for good in all types of love, and so will think more on the good consequences of Eros and write on them tomorrow.

      One last thing, Eros can destroy even healthy relationships based on other types of love. A couple that has strengthened philia to nearly the point of agape, can be destroyed when one falls to a lustful Eros that leads them to cheat on the other. While they may return to that strong philia type of love, the wronged lover may never recover the trust needed for that strong intimate love which once bound them again."

      New thoughts

      A lot of how I analyzed eros still holds true, I think. Though I don't think it is nearly as common as I once thought, because I think the downfall of relationships is oft differences of opinion, or walls between intimacy from relating differently. It still can lead to many evils.

      One may desire to discount this form of love. However, as a Christian, I can not dismiss a type of love without some examination. I believe their is some truth to be found in Eros, some good in this form of love. This discussed Eros is a satanic perversion.

    • Agape and Storge types of love.

      11 years ago


      Old Writing.-

      "Agape is the one that is closest related to truth, God. For God's love pours down on both the wicked and righteous. Jesus came to the aid of the tax collectors and sinners. He died for all mankind, gaining nothing himself. God gave his only son that we may have eternal life. Those not of the Christian faith may see agape as charity or other selfless acts. It is the highest form of love, and the most challenging.

      Agape calls for humans to sacrifice personal comfort, and love those that would even be called enemies.

      Faith, revelation, and some experience of this has proven to me the existence of agape. I struggle with humility if saying that I have indeed had this form of love for another, but I believe that such a statement is necessary for establishing why I believe so strongly in this type of love."

      Added thoughts.

      So, Agape is hard to see in the practical world. But is it hard to see that it at least exists? A friend of mine traveled to Africa recently, to work in relief and support of those suffering there. I think that's above and beyond the call of friendship. I see that as something set apart from a natural care for other human beings. He gave up his home and everything he knew for this. He's not the only one as well.

      Agape as the ultimate selfless love, isn't it obvious how divine this form of love is? It cheers me, to see all the evils of the world, dim in comparison to the sacrifices that those make who hardly have anything to give to begin with.

      Old Writing.-

      "Storge is the type the binds families together. Though this is not an always thing, it is a natural thing. The mother and father who care so deeply for their child. It may also be applied too brothers and sisters who fight constantly, but for some unknown reason will fight to the death for one another in a crises."

      Newer thoughts.

      It seems that Eros, and Agape had such full attention of mine when I first approached the subject of love, that I almost dismissed this type of love. Yet, I've come to something of a different understanding of Storge over the time since I last publicized my beliefs in love under Storge.

      In strength of bond, I think its very near Agape, but not quite. Let me explain.

      Three little cousins, whom I love dear, were adopted by my father and stepmother over the summer. The fact that my folks adopted these kids, when they couldn't afford their own groceries and bills, let alone an entire family's was enough to make me shake my head. Yet, it still showed some sort of sacrifice, and it showed the power of love in a different way. Family can drive me nuts, and I think family can do the same to others. It can be abusive, especially when that form of love is missing within the family.

      Yet, I think others have experienced the same sort of love... where no matter how grating, and irritating someone with a storge bond is, it's possible to forgive that person and do things to help that person.

      I'm sure scripture, as a Christian who follows the message of the Bible, would have a few things to say about storge. Still, I will leave further investigation into storge and agape later.

      Any thoughts on these two types of love, are more than welcome.

    • Love...?

      11 years ago


      It's a topic that affects a lot of us, and its effects can oft be seen in our daily lives. Either that, or the consequences of when it is not in our daily lives. Either way, it makes its power known, and rather self evident.

      When I say the word love, or when you read it, there are likely many meanings you put behind that word. Love is to a good chocolate bar, as to Grandma baking cookies? The English language goes into EPIC FAIL when it comes to using the word love, so I borrowed from the Greeks. There are some major classifications in love, that I have broken down in my own way of approaching the topic.

      Agape, divine and selfless love.

      Storge, parenting, family love.

      Philia , friendship love.

      Eros, romantic or erotic love.

      I'm sure just the brief descriptions after each is enough for most people, but I think it's hardest to struggle with Eros. Is it lust, is it bad, is it sin, should we cut that aspect of love out off our lives, or dive head first into giving into our desires? I doubt anyone would go with the extremes on Eros, but it sure presents quite an issue.

      I once wrote a dissertation on my philosophy behind love, near a year ago, and after a year of experiences. I wish to re-examine it. I'll be posting some of what I wrote, and noting some additions to it.

    • Coming to the Site/ Growing Pains.

      11 years ago


      Well, this isn't going to be loaded with pictures, just me journaling my current state of mind.

      As a philosopher of Love, and a follower of God, I have oft sought to follow God's will in a loving manner. To do so, I typically felt a calling to challenge the ways others thought, or approached things.

      Much like the Socratic method of discussion for truth, challenging and asking questions.

      Problem with that being, that everyone has to want to approach their situations like some philosophical debate with a goal of learning some truth. That's just not how reality works, and instead of being loving, I'd come across as egotistical. Not to mention, it left me sorely alone in my backwards way of trying to love others, and not really much fun.

      Well, now I'm approaching living a life of love differently. Instead of challenging others, I want to be more accepting, and live something that others could see as dersirable. Seek out others in love, instead of trying to get them to come to me. It's a basic flip of instead of trying to love others through outwards action, doing it through a more inner action.

      Perhaps it being 3am makes this less clear, and I shall write it out in a more communicative way later. I will put down my beliefs and basis of love in another journal in what i came to view as a sort of base, and what I've been discovering through my own studies after it.

      I've oft found myself lately, extremely sad, or in pain during nights as I've begun flipping how I live a loving life. I was confused by it, but IDriveShiela described it as Growing pains.,

      And I think she's right.

      In fact, it's because of her I've come to this site, though SniperFidy introduced me to the site earlier. Something about that girl's wisdom that is just trustworthy and appealing to me.

      Anyway, I think that's enough for one night.

    • 2019 years ago

  • About Me

  • Comments (7)

    • sniperfidy

      11 years ago

      Where is FedEx at?
      Also, congrats! Let me know how that goes! bigsmile.png


    • IdriveSHEILA

      11 years ago

      I'm telling Em that you think Ray is pretty. I might tell Chris too that he just doesn't cut it for your beauty standards. smiley8.gifsmiley12.gif

    • sniperfidy

      11 years ago

      lol... I also gave you a mod on your comment on my picture....go take a look!

    • sniperfidy

      11 years ago

      I thought you were going to class?
      Get off of this site you lazy unproductive bum!

    • z5blue

      11 years ago

      IDS said to say hello and welcome to RvB.

    • rayman551990

      11 years ago

      Welcome to the Rooster Teeth community site!

    • IdriveSHEILA

      11 years ago

      I am here to say hey. (Hey.) I'll write a journal tomorrow about you joining the site, k? smiley12.gif

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