LadyHallia

Female
from Playing in the woods with the shadows

  • Activity

    • So sick of wondering where my spine ran off to .

      4 years ago

      LadyHallia

      It seems more and more i wonder where my spine has run away to . I no longer value myself at all and I allow the stress and hurt from my husband abuse to leak into my mood and emotions which in turn hurt my children . Im so sick of the games , so sick of being bruised. I have given every good aspect of myself up for someone who honestly wants to see my dead in his moments of anger . I am a weak person for staying , there is no strength here and in the end i know that ill end up dead and my children will be alone because next week he wants to buy a gun. It seems its not if anymore , only when . Yet my weakness , and stupidity keep my feet rooted trying to help him . . . and think better. I once loved life , begged for more time to the day its all running away from me and its all my fault.

    • Sometimes

      4 years ago

      LadyHallia

      Sometimes , i wonder who i would have been . Sometimes i wonder who i could still be .

    • 4 years ago

      LadyHallia

      Maybe i come to this page in my times of desperation because i look at it as the remaining part that is still me? That if somthing happens to me maybe someone will realize that it was probley him that did it ? I can literally feel my intelligence slipping away as more and more everyday i do nothing but raise the little ones. I dont read , I dont go anywhere , and im constantly being told that I am the worst things imaginable. I watched my mother from a very young age be abused ... and I was terrifed , angry . Yet im allowing it to happen all over again , all because i thought that i needed to save the guy that had a fucked up past like me . Its Christmas time , and hes out drinking . I decorated the tree alone , made the cookies alone , and decorate the gingerbread house... alone . If it where not for the kids i honestly think i would just give up . . . Why? Because im weak , its my natural being to want to be loved and needed. I have given every ounce of my effort to someone who looks at me as lower then a dog . The last time I enjoyed a Christmas . . . or even truley felt that feeling of compleate certainty that everything was ok . . . was Christmas 7 years ago . A family that wasnt even my own , but felt like it . We decorate the Christmas tree together , made cookies , ate andies mints , and just enjoyed eachothers company . We went sledding at western peidmont . . . memorys that I want my daughter to have no mommy being hit or screamed at . Daddy going drinking. Why the hell do I stay? I have no idea . Fear of being alone? Hope that He will change. I realize now that will never happen . He will pull all three of us into the pits that he was raised in. All i have ever wanted was for things to be better, love people , help people . . . take care of someone I love . . . and be loved in return . Tierd of knowing that I gave up happiness for someone who is willing to do anything to hurt me . . . and doesnt care if he destorys his childrens lifes. I have good sweet children . . . I love them ,... i wish that they could have known me before . Funny . . . im so exasuted from doing everything that the doctor thought i was anemic at my last appointment . Least to say im ok . . . maybe the mask is wearing though a little?

    • 4 years ago

      LadyHallia

      Is it sad that no matter how much things have changed over the years the thing that has changed that disappoints me the most is me? I wonder why my best friend in the world is no where to be found despite me being less then an hour from our hometown . I wonder how much i can possibly hate myself for my past choices before i just give up completely. I have two beautiful children , from a man who wants nothing to do with me except to tell me how useless i am and yet no matter what anyone says I stay thinking that its best. Is it sad that i just want to be told its ok , that Im loved . I dont want my children to see the thing I saw . . . I love hiking , being around people i care about , reading , my children , and yet i hardly get to partake i the things i love best because the person who is suppose to care about me most . . . is warped and would rather tell me to shut up (to put it nice) that what i have to say is so very unimportant . How terrible is it that i can tell how much i have changed and lessened myself just to be dedicated to someone i wanted to save. . . who would happily kill me in his worst moments. Lillyana , Alasdair . . . you deserve so much better then me . Good thing no one reads this damn thing anymore . . . funny how popular facebook is right? But if I dont put this somewhere I think my lungs my just collapse from the weight .

    • A call to those whom still exist here

      8 years ago

      LadyHallia

      It has been a long time seince i have allowed my self to come onto this sight . I suppose i am worried what my mind may bring back to my attention ,but seeing as my subcouncious already plauges my dreams with unfeaterd thoughts i suppose they need an outlet. In the past few years i have made many choices that will forever be imprinted upon me as well at those around me. I can honestly say that in many ways i do and do not regret the choices i have made. Though now my mind yet again second guesses me. Tell me why my dreams run amuck?

    • 9 years ago

      LadyHallia
    • 9 years ago

      LadyHallia
    • LIfe

      10 years ago

      LadyHallia

      This is life , oh well . Learn what you may life is fleating . We all Breath , we all Die ....... but we do not all live .
      Im faced with a Choice , and Deleating this page and one of my last links to the chaos to which it connects me. I should not think of pain when he lays next to me . I should not Second guess or compare , Yet i shake . I shook in my very bones as i kissed him the lightning showing me his pale face ............... This Suffrible agony , this tearing of my heart as i kiss him . As soft tears run down my face . Even in the darkness he knows i hurt ......... questions it yet i receed . This life is bittersweet , tinged in black white and so many colorful shades of grey.



      I failed at deleating this page and the chaos as well... i am weak.3/8

    • Today tommorw .......

      10 years ago

      LadyHallia

      Silent morning air
      Still as the grace
      Simply sturing under foot in the premature dawns glow .

      Shadows are cast from place to place
      hiding a dangerous face.
      A siren goes off in my head
      but i don't dare to run.
      In my mind i watch as i am draged to the ground
      by this cold relentless force

      I crawl away an animal to all . Beaten by a shadow , a thought long ago forgotten.
      I gasp for breath as i lay helplessly on the cold ground a warm touch on my back .
      The sun kisses the earth , such a soft early morning.
      I hear a snarled rage , a growl as dark as the cave and i shudder to think what
      games will be played when yet again the sun hides away.

  • Comments (1064)

    • John_234

      9 years ago

      Could you check out my journal?

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      I've been writing some fiction mostly....

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      Why?

    • RVBclan

      10 years ago

      Good, Thanks ! ^_^

    • RVBclan

      10 years ago

      hey =D

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      Hello, how are you?

    • auzrius

      10 years ago

      Three games. I've been replaying Splinter cell: DA for 100% on each mission, and Bioshock again. I've been playing WoW because while Connor's in Ireland it's a great opportunity to catch up and get to Northrend. ^.^ Plus the ambient music's a great break from the angry stuff and the sappy tunes, lol.

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      Well, I posted it on my journal.

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      I'll post prologue.

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      I suppose. You can still find good roleplays on here if you look around.

      I posted a journal asking if anybody wanted to read the fiction, but the total lack of replies is rather depressing...

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      Rather bored and writing some fiction.

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      Hey, how've you been?

    • auzrius

      10 years ago

      Tyler and I gasped at it's amazingness. ~.^

    • auzrius

      10 years ago

      THAT IS THE MOST EPIC LIMITED EDITION BONUS EVAR. Seriously, those goggles are meant for a gar.

    • SmithFan6

      10 years ago

      hey

    • jillEbean

      10 years ago

      hey!!!!

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      Hi.

    • jillEbean

      10 years ago

      well i still think it looked good

    • jillEbean

      10 years ago

      lol that's awesome! i've never heard that before. i'll have to remember it

    • SmithFan6

      10 years ago

      oh you're welcome, the comments were easy. you're just that damn pretty smiley8.gifsmiley12.gif

    • SmithFan6

      10 years ago

      very much so, i've always thought they were such cool animals. i love all animals actually smiley0.gifsmiley0.gifsmiley0.gif

    • SmithFan6

      10 years ago

      hey there pretty lady!

      yes Henry IS a retriever, the coolest one ever in fact.

      how goes it with you? thanks for stumbling across my page and commenting on my pics smiley1.gif

    • jillEbean

      10 years ago

      thank you so much! you're really pretty

    • My_Vision

      10 years ago

      Look, it's very easy. Go through your friends list and cut anyone who has been inactive, or never comments on yer stuff.
      Then, contact each person one by one out of whose left to see if the relationship is worthy. If not, cut them too.
      It's the only way to find out who really matters.

    • My_Vision

      10 years ago

      Nah, that's just because you are so busy. I think you are great.

    • My_Vision

      10 years ago

      Now that class is behind you, what's up for the summer?

    • RVBclan

      10 years ago

      No Problem ! ^_^

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      How're you?

    • John_234

      10 years ago

      Hello

    • My_Vision

      10 years ago

      I hope you click approve, because I already deleted you off " you know who"

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      like parkour

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      yeah thats true...horses, look good but also can be deadly

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      dangerous? i guess it could be worse. you could be traing tigers 2 jugle

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      i was just readen your profile. your an horse trainer whats that like?...oh and metallica rock

    • Fijir

      10 years ago

      It's true but I live in a very small practically secluded area.

    • Fijir

      10 years ago

      If only I could find someone kinda like that

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      cool im maken a parkour video

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      so your into parkour huh?

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      cool as 4 me im not that important

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      ok cool i just realised i dont now much about u what r u into?

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      sorry if i sound like a psycho right now

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      any1 who hits a girl is weak. he will do that to seem like a big man. ill kick there ass if i find out who dose it

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      hehe well its against the law and i just wont hit a girl its not right

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      stll i bet u could kick my ass...partly cause im not allowed 2 hit girls

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      weak female? thats bull any1 can do parkour. just gotta practise

    • Sketch95

      10 years ago

      nah thats ok its a pole. your choice

    • amadeus_andr

      10 years ago

      um. nothing. just got back on. and thats bout it. just checking my myspace. as well

    • amadeus_andr

      10 years ago

      thanks again that means alot. so whats up?

    • amadeus_andr

      10 years ago

      thansk that means alot.

    • amadeus_andr

      10 years ago

      i hate when that happens. but right now my juices are brewin' and i'm writting. so i'm hopeful. and really excited to where this one leads.

  • Questions

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