from Illinois (Cat Heaven)

  • Activity

    • Cat vs Mac

      13 years ago


      Sheesh. Even Sparky isn't this stupid. Makes me wonder about the new generation...

      CAT vs MAC

      (And a grudging thanks to Yaksha for the link...)

    • Ha!

      13 years ago


      I did it! Not only did I grab Linnea's credit card when she wasn't looking, but I managed to get a first class seat by impersonating her. All I had to do was be loud and obnoxious and eat chocolate. They didn't even stop me at customs. And Linnea never even noticed I was gone! She is going to freak out when she gets her next VISA card statement. Serves her right for being so stingy with the sushi!

      It turned out she had a pretty high limit, so instead of Sweden, I ended up going to Florida for a while, and then I decided to go for a tour of Europe. Here are some of my vacation pics:

      He may be called Tiger, but no self-respecting feline would ever just stare at a ball like that. I managed to swipe it under the sofa immediately after this picture was taken.

      Busch Gardens was okay, but I thought Universal Studios had better rollercoasters.

      England was great. I don't care for chips, but the fish was great.

      The mice in Paris were jerks. So I ate them. They didn't even put up a fight.

      Venice was pretty enough, but a bit damp for my tastes. I have no idea who those people are, but they thought I was cute and shared their shrimp cocktail with me.

      Next I'm thinking of more of an adventure holiday. Somewhere exotic or dangerous, like Cairo or Tel Aviv or Toronto. I'll decide later. Right now, I am off for a nice long nap. I'll unpack tomorrow!



    • I have assumed control. Again.

      13 years ago


      Well, clearly I have to change my password. I have to hand it to the kid, though, I didn't think he was coordinated enough to hold down the shift key in order to capitalize my name.

      In other news, I believe Linnea is beginning to suspect that in fact all of the feline misdeeds are in fact not all due to Sparky's ineptitude. Little does she realize that distracting her with the constant cat messes has all been part of my master plan to escape the country. Now, if can only get her signature perfected, I plan to embezzle all her money and fly to Sweden in some sap's carry-on luggage.

      If only it weren't so hard to hold the pen in my mouth and write that big cursive "L". Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try it.


    • ownd

      13 years ago


      mwahaha lol it sparky lol i got mazas comp and took it lol lol i got her ting and pass llol so funi i made dis jurnal an got like spam for hercuz spam is gud meet. 4 sum reason it is bad on comp but w/e. ne ways i make changes lol she be so supried wen she se serv her rite lol lol. LOL ph34r the devil.

      GR8 1337 EMPORER,

      sparky teh spwn.

    • Sparky is a moron, and "Cats vs Ninjas"

      13 years ago


      Well, I am still here. Aside from enduring Linnea's occasional urge to jam a 18 Gauge needle in my scruff and pump 100cc of saline under my skin, life is pretty good. I don't see why I just can't drink more water. Why with the fluids?

      Ah well. Despite my kidney troubles, I have a strong feeling I will outlive Sparky. Which would be justice, I think. He is a complete and utter moron. His latest stupidity is chewing on the power cord to Linnea's laptop:


      I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I hope he chews through it, becomes a smoking charcoal briquet, and leaves me to enjoy my twilight years in peace. On the other hand, if he breaks the laptop, then I will have lost my favorite place to nap, namely on the Function Keys just to the left of the Delete button.

      Decisions, decisions. Oh, that picture reminds me, Linnea has been constantly watching these weird movies about ninjas. Ninja-sminja. Seriously, cats have been doing what ninjas do long before the first ninja donned a black ski mask and black converse All-Stars.

      Think about it, cats can move silently, snap your neck before you know what hit you, hide in places you will never find, squeeze into spaces that shouldn't be physically possible, steal your soul by sucking out your life force at night (oh wait, I wasn't supposed to tell you about that one.)... um, and we can see in the dark.

      Besides, cats can lick their own tails... and the associated body parts. I'd like to see a ninja do that one.

      No, seriously, I would like to see that. Do you think if I write KentNichols and request it we could see that? Because that would be hilarious.

      Okay, gotta go. I think I hear Linnea coming. I don't want her to know I am back on the net. As long as she thinks I am hovering at death's door I get WAY more attention. Well, more than Sparky gets. The jerk.

    • Back and Grouchier than Ever

      13 years ago


      Okay, feeling better.

      Hey, thanks to everyone for the well-wishes. I suppose some of you humans aren't SO bad.


      Oh, and I see Linnea made a tribute video about me out of that lame song she recorded like TEN years ago. So, I had to be half-dead before she finally got around to making a film for me. She made a movie about Sparky pooping on the floor and he's only been alive for like a year or two.


      Well, I can't be TOO mad because she has been showering me with canned and fresh tuna.

      No, actually I can be. Jerk.


    • Feel sick

      13 years ago


      Can't type.

      I'm going to crouch under the bed.

    • I. Am going. To kill. Linnea.

      13 years ago


      So, Linnea tells me that Gee has a picture up from of a cat with a Hanukah outfit in her journal today. I was outraged, and went to look at the stuffonmycat website.

      Only to discover that the stupid picture Linnea took of me with the Halo Action Figures actually got onto the website. Look at the December 13 entries. There I am. Do you see how p*ssed off I look?

      Yeah, that is nothing compared to how I feel now.

      My only consolation is that I am pretty sure none of the squirrels around my house have internet access.

      This is so humiliating.

    • What's next, ""?

      13 years ago


      So, the other day Linnea was looking at this website What the hell is that? So we like to sit in the sink. Humans like to sit in a tub FULL OF WATER. You don't see me taking pictures of that. Well, I wouldn't anyway, because sitting in the water just plain wrong. *shudder*

      As if it wasn't bad enough that she took this picture of me for .
      I mean, seriously, WTF? And by the way, the white spartan there is missing an arm. I didn't do that. But I would have if I'd thought of it. I might go chew up the tiny energy sword just for spite. I'll do it! I swear I will!

      What is this obsession you people have with putting my feline brethren in weird places or putting crap on us? At there is a cat with whipped cream and a cherry on its head. What the heck? Clearly Q the cat didn't do that to himself! That right there is animal mental cruelty. I should call The Humane Society or something. Or I would, if I could work the d*mn phone and could say something other than "meow".

      You want cat exploitation, how about Who are you to judge whether or not we are attractive? Jerks.

      You want realism? You want to know what we really think of all this whipped cream and tiny hats and sink photography? Then you should go to and see the true way we feel about you.

      Like there's this picture taken several Christmases ago with Linnea and the kid. See that face I am making at Sparky? Yeah, that's how I feel about holiday pictures and the stupid humans with their stupid hats.



      Anyway, enough ranting. I'm off to knock some dishes off the kitchen counter. I hope they all break.

    • Yeah, whatever, big deal.

      13 years ago


      So, Linnea and the kid are both all excited because they are in some show. Last week they had all their stupid electronic stuff out on the bed and were talking into a bunch of microphones and laughing and having a great time. I tried to join in, but they seemed to get really annoyed at me, just because I was sniffing the microphone and rubbing my scent gland on it. Don't they realize this is just a gesture of affection? Jerks.

      I'd watch their dumb show, but there are no cats, fish or birds in it. So what is the appeal?

      Give me a National Geographic mouse special any day over this animated sci-fi business. Better yet, go check out Arj and Poopy.

      I think few animators have truly captured the complete uselessness of human beings and the undeniable superiority of cats quite the way Arj does. Nice job, for a human. Jerk.

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