from Illinois (Cat Heaven)

  • Activity

    • 23 Shopping Days Left

      13 years ago


      Okay, what have I said about hats on cats? Look at this crap:


      We animals don't celebrate your stupid winter holidays. If your god was looking out for us cats, he would have given us some g*dd*mn thumbs! When are you people going to wake up and realize that the ancient Egyptians were the only humans even close to getting it right?

      I do get the whole idea of holiday gifts though. I usuallly get tuna and catnip, so you won't hear me complaining. And since the smelly lumbering oafs humans in this house celebrate Christmas AND Hannukah, this year will be a bumper crop of tuna... especially with both holidays falling on December 25. That's what I call "meow-tastic".

      Seriously, though, I don't get the compulsion you people have for making animals part of your human celebration. I'd have to say that Ratty the XPlay puppet summed things up pretty well with his rendition of the Hannukah Prayer on their Holiday Special:

      "Baruch atah adonai... b*tches."

      Yeah, that's how we "lower" mammals feel about it. (Yeah, right, "lower", indeed. I'd like to see some of you dorks jump into a tree that is ten times higher than yourself. Can you? No, I thought not.)

      Anyway, you still have some time to get over to PetSmart and order me some nice gifts.

      I gotta go lay down some sacrificial Cat Chow and pray in front of my shrine to Bast. Send me some catnip, and maybe I'll put in a good word for you.


    • Like the "CTRL" key is that comfortable.

      13 years ago


      So, Linnea's been lying in bed for the last three days. She is apparently sick. Sparky and I have tried to help out where we can. For instance, Sparky has made an effort to poop on the exact same spot on the living room carpet every day so that she doesn't have to stagger around the house looking for the source of his stink.

      I am helping by lurking under the blanket. Also, when she falls asleep I sit on her laptop keyboard and change the name of her hard drive as a special surprise. So far I've done "111111111111111111111111", "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ', and my personal favorite, "..................................."

      Then, when she wakes up, she swears and yells. WTF? She doesn't seem to get the whole minimalist beauty of a hard drive named after punctuation.

      She may be sick, but she is still a jerk.

      Ah well, I think I'll go sit on her Yamaha keyboard next time she falls asleep. Maybe she'll enjoy my latest composition which I call: "E-F-Fsharp: A study in tied whole notes."

    • Happy Turkey Day.... turkeys.

      13 years ago


      So, I guess it is Thanksgiving... a time when you bloated meatbags humans gather with your litters dysfunctional families and eat a freak of nature giant bird.

      Also, you wear weird hats. But why, I ask WHY, do *I* have to wear a hat?

      No seriously, what is the deal with putting hats on cats? Look at where our ears are! We don't need nor do we want hats. Hats totally screw with our hearing. If your ears were as big as your feet and covered with ultra-sensitive hairs, would you want a big hat covering them up? No. No you wouldn't.

      Or maybe you would. Humans seem to value vanity over basic common sense. Have you seen these pointy shoes that women wear? What the hell is that?

      Anyway, go eat your g*d*mn turkey. And save me a drumstick. I totally deserve it after this latest humiliation.


    • Humans are worthless meatbags

      13 years ago


      What kind of monster would put together a website called:

      Elnea and Spyton were looking at this website, and then grabbed me and took this picture:

      I mean, WTF? I hope you all realize that putting dinosaurs and Legos and goofy hats on top of me and my feline brethren only strengthens our resolve to destroy you all and take over the Earth. Well, everything except Wisconsin. We do have some standards.

      If only we had opposable thumbs and could work those goddamn manual can openers, we would have all killed you in your sleep long, long ago.

      Why do I have to love tuna in spring water so much? Why, Lord, Why?!

    • The Greatest Music Video EVER

      13 years ago


      I think QuackJAG is a genius. FINALLY someone saw the inherent feline nature of Halo.

      This video he made is truly a thing of beauty.


      It brings a tear to my little kitty eye. I am choked up with emotion.

      I'm all verklempt. Go on, go watch the video The Halo Kitty Dance while I collect myself.

      So... beautiful....

    • He peed on the rug

      13 years ago


      I can't stand him. He is constantly getting in trouble. And last night after hours he was scratching a pentagram into the cat box, the bad upside-down kind. Also, I think he was chanting. There was some sort of noise. That there is bad luck. No wonder I have kidney troubles.

      I'd call Animal Control to get him taken away, but the dispatcher always hangs up on me. Goddamn useless cat larynx. All I can say is "meow". Goddammit.

      Oh, and it isn't like only cats are jerks. Linnea was watching THIS last night and laughing her head off. Why is that funny? It is completely true. They should have named it "Humans: The Real Story."


    • The braying of humans

      13 years ago

      Mazha's days like these when I wish my paws were sufficiently flexible to cover my ears.

      Last night Linnea was singing into her computer while I was trying to take a nap. Now she is walking around the house singing Vivaldi.

      ...and they call our vocalizations "caterwauling".

      *shakes head*


    • First Feline Sponsor

      14 years ago


      According to PayPal, I'm the 10,273rd RvB member to sponsor. I realize it's still early, but aren't there a quarter of a million people on this forum? I mean, I don't even have a social security number, or thumbs, or even much of a forebrain, and I managed it.

      On the other hand, if you are tight on funds, consider a donation to one of the groups that have rescued all the pets that were abandoned or orphaned during Hurrican Katrina. I found some groups on Google, and if you know of other worthy organizations to help my feline brethren, please post a link below. Thanks!

      Humane Society: United States (HSUS)
      International Fund for Animal Welfare (IFAW)
      Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

    • Yes, I am a cat.

      14 years ago


      What? Do you have a problem with that? What are you, some kind of species-ist? Do you know how hard it is to type using your nose?

    • 2019 years ago

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