from Scottsdale, AZ

  • Activity

    • SLeeping With Lions

      13 years ago



      said you wanted to feel
      cold metal and hard steel
      but it cuts in too deep
      to see you doing your midnight creep

      somebody hurts you so you're hurting me
      the only way it was meant to be
      as the lights of neon slowly dim
      I can read in flesh
      everywhere you've been

      dreaming of silence
      of the gentle rain
      sleeping with lions
      in the temple of pain

      said you wanted to steal
      a heart of soul and make a deal
      with the danger that you feed
      don't like the monsters that you keep

      somebody hurts you so you're hurting me
      the only way it was meant to be
      as the lights of neon slowly dim
      I can read in flesh everywhere you've been

      dreaming of silence
      of the gentle rain
      sleeping with lions
      in the temple of pain.

    • Mitch Hedberg

      13 years ago


      I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

      I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

      People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

      I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!

      If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

      I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

      I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"

      I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

      XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

      If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

      I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

      Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

      I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

      Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

      I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

      I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

      My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

      When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

      I was at a concert in LA, and the band was having an off night, and some people in the audience started throwing tomatoes at the band. Now who would throw tomatoes at the band? That's bad. But who would bring a tomato to a show? That's worse. Don't throw tomatoes at the band. What if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying the show. "You guys are great - here's a tomato!" The tomato is the universal sign for not enjoying a performance. Plus I like it on sandwiches! I had the guy at Subway put tomatoes on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was making it. I don't know what that meant there. That was ad-libbed.

      I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

      A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

      I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

      A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

      I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.

      I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"

      I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

      I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

      I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"

      I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

      I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now

    • board

      13 years ago


      its one in the morning and i have nothing else to do so here are some out of the avarage questions.

      just copy this and put your answers in, then put in comments

      1. do you believe in Aliens?
      2. do you believe in ghosts?
      3. are you doing this at one in the morning?
      3.14. what is 22/7?
      4.if you believe in #2. have you seen one or seen the effect of one?
      5. have you ever eaten a complete box of cerial in a day?
      6. if yes on 5. what one
      7.what is your version of the meaning of life?
      8. have you ever seepwalked?
      9. why are you taking this quis still?
      10. have you ever done somthing terrable to a friends car as a joke?
      11. if so what was it?
      12. have you ever slept on a bus and got takken to far?
      13. have you ever ran as fast as you can and fell foward?
      14. have you ever ridden down hill in a red wagon?
      15. are you laughing at some of these questions?
      16. what is the funniest thing youve ever done?
      17. do directions to your house include turn on to the dirt rode?
      18. ok this isent a question. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg...RIP
      19. have you heard of the person quoted in question 18.
      20.did you enjoy tsking this quiz?

      ok im deciding to add more.

      21.what is your middle name?
      22. if you dont have one why?
      23. what is the name of the football team jack from jack in the box owens?
      24.do i know you?
      25. do you own a potato gun?
      26. if so how far does it shoot?
      27. are you a pyro?
      28. if so what is the coolest effect youve ever gotten from burning somthing?
      29. what was that somthing, im a pyro too
      30. are you tired of this quiz?
      31. if so stop here.
      32. what is your shoe size?
      33. are your earlobes compleatly attached to your head?
      34. in the writing of this quiz i have drinken 4 mountain dew sodas, what is the most amount of them you have ever drank in an hour?
      35. what is the most amount of money you have ever had possestion of?
      36. how many litters are in your last name?
      37.have you ever eaten dog/cat food?
      38. whats the most times youve ever puked in one day? (18 for me)
      39. have you ever ridden on a 2 person bycicle?
      40. last one, maby, what is the longes word in the English language that you know?

      ok now its 2:00 am at 6 1/2 MDs im just to board to sleep, or its the Mountain Dew.

      41. whats the longest amount of time youve ever stayed up for?
      42. aww forget it im sick of doing these damn questions.

      2:30 im back

      43. have you ever gotten your hand slammed in a car door?
      44. have you ever hopped a fence to run from somone?
      45. you cant please all the people all the tme and all those people are taking this quiz.
      46. have you ever tried to see how far you could you could walk with your eyes closed before somthing bad would happen?
      47. what do you think the most commomly used word is?
      48. what is your favorate kind of tiolet papper?
      49. ok ill stop at question 50.
      50. what is the best day you could ever have?
      51. have you ever heard of the BlackFire Army?

      i have decided to add more.

      52. what is a jiggawatt?
      53. have you ever wached the show Jackass?
      54. if so what is your favorate thing they have ever done?
      55. do you own any type of mp3 player?
      56. does your mind or your first intention make most of your decisions?
      57. what is the most difficult decision you have ever made?
      58. whats the closest you have ever been to dieing?
      59. the answer to Q. 3.14 is Pi
      60. what is -40 Fahrenheit in Celsius?

    • weird facts

      13 years ago


      Im doing this off memory of seeing these before, not copy and paste.
      Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
      Wriggles gum was the first product to have a barcode.
      The one dollar bill has an owl in the top left corner of the top right 1.
      Elephants are the only mammals with 4 knees.
      They also can’t jump.
      I have the same birthday as Mick Jagger (July 26).
      Leopard geckoes lick their eye for moisture.
      3quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies=$1.19 and also is the most amount of change u can have without making change for a dollar.
      When u die your hair will still grow for a few months.
      172 can be found on the back of a $5 bill.
      The 57 on Heinz ketchup is the number of kinds of pickles they once had.
      The cave mans brain is bigger than ours today.
      1 in 5000 Atlantic lobsters are born blue.
      The smell of skunks spry can be smelled from a mile away by a human.
      The ford model T was only produced in black because it was the fastest drying paint at that time.
      The king of hearts does not have a mustache and also looks like he is committing suicide.
      If the main artery in your leg is cut open it can squirt blood up to an 81/2 foot ceiling if sitting down.
      The population of kangaroos is twice as many as people in Australia.
      Police dogs are trained to listen to commands in German.

    • Scuba

      13 years ago


      Scuba diving was my favorite hobby to do in the world, until I moved to AZ. I’m not in the picture but close enough. If anybody ever gets the chance to try it I strongly recommend it. The feeling that goes through your body as you go down and can still breathe is amazing. The only thing I can compare it to is probably being weightless

    • Favorate car in the world

      13 years ago


      i just cant resiest a 1970 el camino ss, the idea of them is genius. i would pay almost anything for them in great condition

    • Bad luck

      13 years ago


      i have had some bad luck latly, mostly accedents like getting stuff spilled on me but there is some other bad luck i have had latly too, and that is i moved to AZ. about 4 weeks ago and my girlfriend broke up with me because that... and i have had the age old problem of finding my place in a new state, i have made some friends though. for some reason people dont realy talk to me now, i dont know what i did different from the first 2 weeks to now but people just kinda dont call me over to talk like they did. I said all that because i can talk to plenty of people online and thats where i spend most of my time now, i just started this so if anyone does this for the same reason i do (watch Red Vs. Blue & make friends) just ask me.

    • rosenrot

      13 years ago


      Sah ein Mädchen ein Röslein stehen
      Blühte dort in lichten Höhen
      Sprach sie ihren Liebsten an
      ob er es ihr steigen kann

      Sie will es und so ist es fein
      So war es und so wird es immer sein
      Sie will es und so ist es Brauch
      Was sie will bekommt sie auch

      Tiefe Brunnen muss man graben
      wenn man klares Wasser will
      Rosenrot oh Rosenrot
      Tiefe Wasser sind nicht still

      Der Jüngling steigt den Berg mit Qual
      Die Aussicht ist ihm sehr egal
      Hat das Röslein nur im Sinn
      Bringt es seiner Liebsten hin

      Sie will es und so ist es fein
      So war es und so wird es immer sein
      Sie will es und so ist es Brauch
      Was sie will bekommt sie auch

      Tiefe Brunnen muss man graben
      wenn man klares Wasser will
      Rosenrot oh Rosenrot
      Tiefe Wasser sind nicht still

      An seinen Stiefeln bricht ein Stein
      Will nicht mehr am Felsen sein
      Und ein Schrei tut jedem kund
      Beide fallen in den Grund

      Sie will es und so ist es fein
      So war es und so wird es immer sein
      Sie will es und so ist es Brauch
      Was sie will bekommt sie auch

      Tiefe Brunnen muss man graben
      wenn man klares Wasser will
      Rosenrot oh Rosenrot

      Tiefe Wasser sind nicht still


    • 2019 years ago

    • 2019 years ago

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