I honestly don't know where to start. This year was a wild ride from start to finish. After I came home from Indiana back in March everything just kinda turned into a...blur. And then it turned dark in late July early August. My ex-girlfriend and I broke it off. There were a lot of reasons that caused the schism and we were both at fault. To be quite honest...the distance was hard and it killed me everyday after I left Indiana to go a day without her in my arms. It sucked having to decide to end things, and it sucks having to endure the pain and the darkness and the crushing blows of depression. Some days I feel I'm on top of the world and some days I'm surrounded in darkness with nothing but a dimming light. Remember the maze in Destiny's Kings Fall raid that was near pitch black and you had to navigate with barely any light? Yeah..I feel like that most days. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life now. I had goals, I knew where I wanted to be, what I wanted to experience and who to experience it with, but I feel severely alone.
These last three or so months since the breakup my work ethic has plummeted and I feel stagnant. I'm barely getting any work done. My uncle offered me a job learning about plumbing and heating and being his helper full time, but since I'm committed to my boss and I don't feel 100% I'm not taking the chance of putting in my notice and getting burned with this opportunity. That's where I am mentally. I can't tell the difference between good and bad most days. I ordered a pizza last night knowing that I was going to feel like dirt the next morning. I went ahead with it anyway. I'm working part time with my uncle though, so there's a little extra money being earned. It's a welcome break from the routine.
I'm slowly grinding my way to max light level in Destiny Year 3 but it's a slow process and like how I feel about real life, my gaming life reflects real life. I have no real friends and I have no friends who just want to game and have a good time. I'm almost always online playing Destiny, I have Minecraft, Halo 5, Gears 4, and now here in a few days, Skyrim. But yeah..I don't know. Some days I feel like I'm meant to be alone. Some times I get in a group from LFG that are just all around great people but like everyone I meet, they slowly disappear and I'm left hanging in limbo.
I paid off my cell phone from AT&T a couple weeks ago because I decided that I would save more money in the next ten months when my contract ended than if I just rode out the contract making that extra $32 payment. I'm slowly paying back my credit card but like all debt it feels nearly impossible. I make headway and suddenly I'm spending money I don't have on useless stuff. Like Silver in Destiny, or Lunchboxes in Fallout Shelter, or an Auto-Miner on Bitcoin Billionaire just to name a few examples. I will persevere though. There are always worse things out there.
Any day you wake up and breathe the fresh air is a good day. Death is the ultimate worst case scenario. I just have to remember that and keep things in perspective. One day I'll find people who want to stay in contact with me. I will always love this community and love those who love me for who I am and am becoming.
It's just hard to stay strong some times, you know?
I also shaved off my beard to try a fresh start on at least something. I feel naked, and cold.