I made it to today. You did too. I'm proud of us. I don't think that's said often as it should be. Some days are really hard to get through. But we did it. I usually withdraw when bad things happen in my life. I don't want to talk about it and I know my friends feel helpless. I feel that if I can't handle my problems on my own, how will I handle future problems? I can't be dependent on people for help.
Maybe you follow me on Twitter, maybe you don't... so I'm just going to explain what's been going on with me....
After everything that occurred over Christmas break, and every reason I had to just move on, for reasons nobody will understand, I got back with Eric. Yes, I am in that relationship that everyone frowns upon, the one that is on/off/on/off/on. I don't expect anyone to care or understand why, and yes he had no excuse after everything, but I let him explain, and nobody could ever understand what him and I were going through prior to that event. So he had reason, but no excuse. Yet here I am again.
Fast forward- many lengthy talks later, we decided to see each other once every month. It worked. We did it in secret in January, February, and he visited me in March over spring break. We're going strong, and he has plans to come here Wednesday, April 1st. He's really trying.
I kept it secret from my parents for even more reasons nobody could understand. In fact, it was sometime after my Valentine's visit that somebody I thought was a "friend" had friended my mom through Facebook, and told her. I told him I didn't want her to know because of all the stress she is under; buying a new house, having to keep my family from killing each other (literally, I mean literally they try to kill each other... I can't tell you how many guns and knives have been pulled), and then her worrying about her own deteriorating health and mental health. Having her know was the last thing I wanted, but it happened anyway.
After spring break I posted a picture of me and Eric on Facebook, because I just got fed up of walking on eggshells around my family. My mom kept angry texting me, telling me how I was stupid and dumb, that she was going to tell my dad. So I took that away from her, and called him myself.
I kept it from my dad in the first place because he has aneurysm on his heart, and he has been taken to the ER multiple times because of chest pains. In fact, his blood pressure was so high recently that it could have burst, and it's at that size to where it would kill him. He's awaiting surgery.
After telling my dad, he said "you're a grown woman with your own life, do whatever you want" and he hung up. LIES. My mom called me and had me listen on the phone secretly while I heard my dad screaming about how much I was a failure, I was stupid and immature, I'll never be his daughter, he never wants to see me again. He doesn't want to come to my commencement ceremony in May to see me get my associate's degree. There were so many other things he said.... but it was nothing that I hadn't heard before. It hurt, but I could deal with it.
My mom told me how she was going to drive here the next day and pull me out of school and take me home (which she can't do) and when I told her that she said she was going to drive here and take my car away. The one that was sitting in the driveway for four years unused because it was to be given to me since my dad took the $2,500 in the bank that was supposed to be for a used car for me, and spent it on whatever he wanted for himself. Yet, the car wasn't mine. My dad even said he was going to legally disown me so I could never get any VA benefits from him.
I haven't talked to them in a few weeks now. All over a boy.... yeah... and because they said I went behind their backs to go see him. But I do not need to ask my parents to let me go anywhere. I do not need their permission. They even think I got my apartment just so I could sleep around with boys... when, if you know me, I've been looking at apartments since I started school last semester.
Maybe none of this matters to you, and you're on their side.... I don't care. I've been living on my own for two months now. I have VA benefit income, which is as much as monthly minimum wage, and it stops in May. I save almost all of it. I'm very savvy, but recently I've had so much I've had to pay for. I'm going broke, I'm losing my mind. And to top it all off, my bank told me someone in Chicago has used my credit card information to buy things. Now I have to deal with THAT this week.
I'm all alone. I know my friends are there for me, but they aren't here And that's what I want. That's why I keep complaining about money, and I know everyone has financial troubles all the time, some worse than mine, and I'm not asking for people to feel bad.... but I need my money to see my friends. Because for one week out of the year I am lucky enough to forget everything and have a good time with the people who changed my life. They make me smile, laugh, and cry because I'm so fortunate to have them in my life.
This is my last free summer. Next summer I have a three month summer internship I need to do for school, then when I graduate it's moving to whatever state I can afford where I have been accepted to have a job. Maybe I've grown up too fast... and my childhood is a whole other story that I keep tightly shut.
I've just never had it easy. Nothing has ever gone my way, which is why I finally don't give a fuck. I want to do whatever I want. I want to be happy, whatever that may mean to others. Whatever they see it as... I deserve this summer for myself. To spoil myself. To not have to put up with the yelling, screaming, arguing, threats, and violence that I finally escaped from my home.
Nobody could ever understand the amount of stress I'm going through, and everyone deals with situations differently; for someone else, what I'm going through could mean absolutely nothing. Maybe I'm a pussy......