5 years agoQuilian
10 years agoQuilian
GM: OK, the bugbear attacks you. What do you do?
OBAMA: I send one of my 672 henchmen after it.
MCCAIN: OK, seriously. Why does he have so many henchmen? I'm a level 72 ranger and he's only a level 8 paladin.
OBAMA: Well, if you'd bought the Grassroots Organizing and Oratory/Colgate Smile proficiencies you could min max it so that you...
MCCAIN: Why is he even IN this campaign? I thought this was supposed to be a high level party.
OBAMA: Well, maybe some people got tired of the grim and squinty "Matterhorn, son of Marathon" shtick you keep doing. Dude, could you be any less original?
MCCAIN: Oh my god, I did not leave my left nut in a tiger cage in the Tomb of Horrors to spend my Friday nights mopping up after the new kid.
OBAMA: "My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class stereotype. I should lead the party because I have more testicular damage than that one."
MCCAIN: Yeah, well, you pal around with dark elves.
OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T.
MCCAIN: Whatever, so's your mom.
OBAMA: So's your FACE.
MCCAIN: So's your Mom's face!
HILARY: WTF you guys. Why am I playing the cleric?
MCCAIN: Hilary, we've been over this.
HILARY: No, dude. I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer. Seriously, I can't even use a sword. Fuck this noise.
KUCINICH: IM A BARD
OBAMA: That's nice.
KUCINICH: MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD
MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA
HILARY: C'mon you guys, I've been playing this shit since Gygax was in eighth grade. Why can't I be the party leader with the magic sword for once?
MCCAIN: Because no one wants to see you in a bronze bra.
OBAMA: Oh dude, BURRRRRNNNN.
HILARY: SCREW YOU, Grandpa. I will so kick your ass.
MCCAIN: Yeah? Bring it! I didn't spend 3 years in the Abyss with Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some Wellesley girl.
HILARY: WHATEVER, you can't even lift your arms over your head.
RON PAUL: I brought my Planescape character!
OBAMA: Dude, we're playing Forgotten Realms.
RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil! I'm a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!
MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.
RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it! Guns and abortions and weed for everyone! WHEEE!
PALIN: Hi folks! Sorry I'm late! I brought caribou burgers.
HILARY: Who the HELL is this?
MCCAIN: It's cool, she's with me.
HILARY: No! No, it's not cool! Every time you bring one of your rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus infiltrator and killing the whole party!
MCCAIN: Now, that is patently untrue.
BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.
MCCAIN: DUDE. SHUT UP.
GM: You guys, seriously, if you don't knock it off with the bickering I'm going to start docking XP.
MCCAIN: You know what? Fuck it. I'm suspending the campaign.
GM: You can't do that! Only I can suspend the campaign! I didn't suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I'm not going to suspend it now.
KUCINICH: YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP
MCCAIN: Oh my god, Dennis, shut up, you don't even count.
KUCINICH: YOU GUYS ARE DICKS
BIDEN: Where are the Cheetos?
RON PAUL: Wait. What happen to tiny Mormon Man?
GM: You find Mitt's lifeless, drained corpse has been stuffed in the broom closet.
HILARY: Oh, God DAMMIT.
MCAIN: Not ok! NOT OK!
OBAMA: What, I didn't even get a detect evil roll for that one?
HILARY: I TOLD you she was a succubus, but did anyone listen? Oohhhhh no, Hilary's just jealous of the beauty queen.
RON PAUL: Pretty Lady screw Mitt lifeless. Ronpaul SMASH!!
MCCAIN: Would you please go light up a spliff and stay out of this? The grown ups are talking.
RON PAUL: Why pretty lady suck life out of Mitt and not Ronpaul? Not fair!
HILARY: I mean, never mind that I'm the one with 17 Wisdom, but does anyone listen to the girl? Noooooo.
RON PAUL: Also Mitt have stupid name. Who name kid after baseball equipment?
KUCINICH: HAY YOU GUYS CHECK OUT MY HEAD OF VECNA TRICK
HILARY: This never would have happened when Tim Russert was our GM.
GM: You know what? Forget it. Rocks fall, everyone dies.
OBAMA: Screw you guys. I'm going to go play Bunnies and Burrows at Jon Stewart's house.
HILARY: Me too.
MCCAIN: Me too.
10 years agoQuilian
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
11 years agoQuilian
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motor Co.) decided to have a canoe race on theMissouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.
The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .
Sadly, the End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses.
IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
11 years agoQuilian
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face..
'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'. Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub again!'
11 years agoQuilian
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, do n't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done .
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pu mpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "noth ing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am i n shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
12 years agoQuilian
Got a kick out of this, I'm sure some of you may as well.
>Left and Right
>One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about
his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the
>The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a thank you
card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
>Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
>The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and
a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
>Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you ; I'm doing
community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.
>The next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a
dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming
>Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the
>The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats
lined up waiting for a free haircut.
>And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and
13 years agoQuilian
Sleep is robbed by the days toil, working for the empire and gaining prestege amongst coworkers. Family, the root of life..hapiness defined...tired..have no time for family, must serve the empire........ A penny cast aside today will be 100.00 out of your pocket in tomorrows, tomorrow. The empire beckon's...tired
No questions have been answered yet