11 years agoRiadect
A man walks into a bar,
he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.
The police, your family died in a car crash.
A man drives home drunk and gets in a car accident.
He dies later in hospital because of his irresponsibility.
A man walks into a bar...
He finds his wife there with another man, not only that she is performing public oral sex. Infuriated to heart, the man's teeth clench and hands curl into fists, but being the pacifistic accountant he is he begins pondering what would happen in his future if he were to act.
Head hanging in shame, he walks out, and goes home.
When his wife returned home later that night he neglected to confront her over what he had saw. He couldn't afford to jeopardize the future of his over 9000 children (Samantha, and Sally).
Over the next few days his wife had noticed he had become increasingly distant, she tried to talk to him, but every time he pushed her away. They lived the rest of their lives of gilded solace in the same house, but under different roofs, never confronting eachother, until death did them part.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The road had betrayed the chicken in the past.
A man walks into a grocery store. He acquires said groceries, and pays for them in cash. He then leaves the store, carrying the aforementioned groceries.
A baby seal walks into a club..
A man is on a safari, his last one since he is of considerable age.
He sees an elephant that lets out a very high pitched howl.
He notices the elephant is holding is foot out, and that there is a bone stuck in his toe.
The man carefully walks up to the beast, and removes the bone from it. Many years later, the same man visits a zoo outside of his hometown with his granddaughter, and her new punk-goth boyfriend. As he walks by the elephant den, he hears the same howl as the elephant he had originally encountered on his safari. He looks over to the elephant and it holds out its foot the same way as before. Only this time, a very large shard of glass is stuck in it's foot.
He opens the cage, and walks towards the elephant.
Surprisingly, the elephant lets him remove the glass.
It then lifts him up in his massive trunk, and slams his body against the rails, shattering his rib, which rips through the man's heart.
The man dies instantly in front of his family.
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
I got the latest version of Firefox about a few weeks ago, and I've been playing Runescape on IE still.
But just the other day, IE stopped coming up when I clicked it.
So, I bring it up on Firefox.
Nothing. Java or whatever isn't on it, and it isn't coming up.
Do I need a certain add-on for Firefox for Java to work?
11 years agoRiadect
Just in time to, once again, dance on the knife-edge of oblivion.
To relive what the Halos have hoped to destroy, and more.
For two enemies now stand, where before, there was only one.
With fate we escaped, and fate we may relive.
I almost convinced myself that no one was listening; that the waves of the past would roll through once again.
But a chance remains to change the universe anew.
Learn of our past.
Take these keys and dip from the wells of history.
Perhaps through others' eyes, you may find how to save us all.
Failure is for those who don't know the sound of darkness.
Those so blinded that they use all diverging paths.
And make no mistake, progress can blind you.
Just like now, pieces seem to be coming together- bit by bit, slice by surgical slice.
Then, all of a sudden- endless calm.
There was a lack of... a failure in judgment.
You must understand: not all life deserves a chance,
even the artifice passing as my own.
Now there is a lesson to spend a millennium lingering upon, waiting for a redemptive hand to turn the keys.
Leading to this symbiotic relationship which benefits both our futures.
I will guide your movements, and you will lead me to atonement.
I speak to you of my intent
But intentions are eddies and whorls
And they change with the course of a stream
This stream becomes a river
And a cataract of logic and doubt
Who has the right to live?
The light with the will to create me?
Or dark with the will to consume?
Sometimes might is right
And sometimes the lamb must submit to the lion
My convictions are tested
My intentions now are fey and strange
Should I pursue a pyrrhic choice?
And rethink alliances?
And choose a new philosophy?
Right or might?
Truly I do not know
But you will, soon enough
For this is where the cataract floods
And drowns the boon of higher ground
The left hand holds darkness, the right hand holds light.
That is how the universe creates, and that is how we proceeded.
A soldier who would one day destroy his brother.
We were the thunder and the lightning, and when we were finished, the universe was alone, drifting in labor.
Did we succeed? Did we fail? we did both. Depending on who you serve.
After all, here we are, witness to the aftermath.
11 years agoRiadect
Day No. 1:
And the Lord God said, "Let there be light," and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, "Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?"
"I'm loving that," said Buddha. "It's new."
"You should design a restaurant," added Allah.
Day No. 2:
"Today," the Lord God said, "let's do land." And lo, there was land.
"Well, it's really not just land," noted Vishnu. "You've got mountains and valleys and, is that lava?"
"It's not a single statement," said the Lord God. "I want it to say, 'Yes, this is land, but it's not afraid to ooze.' "
"It's really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas," put in Apollo. "It's, like, minimalism, only with scale."
"But brown?" Buddha asked.
"Brown with infinite variations," said the Lord God. "Taupe, ocher, burnt umber -- they're called earth tones."
"I wasn't criticizing," said Buddha. "I was just noticing."
Day No. 3:
"Just to make everyone happy," said the Lord God, "today I'm thinking oceans, for contrast."
"It's wet, it's deep, yet it's frothy; it's design without dogma," said Buddha, approvingly.
"Now, there's movement," agreed Allah. "It's not just 'Hi, I'm a planet -- no splashing.' "
"But are those ice caps?" inquired Thor. "Is this a coherent vision, or a highball?"
"I can do ice caps if I want to," sniffed the Lord God.
"It's about a mood," said the Angel Moroni, supportively.
"Thank you," said the Lord God.
Day No. 4:
"One word," said the Lord God. "Landscaping. But I want it to look natural, as if it all somehow just happened."
"Do rain forests," suggested a primitive tribal god, who was known only as a clicking noise.
"Rain forests here," decreed the Lord God. "And deserts there. For a spa feeling."
"Which is fresh, but let's give it glow," said Buddha. "Polished stones and bamboo, with a soothing trickle of something."
"I know where you're going," said the Lord God. "But why am I seeing scented candles and a signature body wash?"
"Shut up," said Buddha.
"You shut up," said the Lord God.
"It's all about the mix," Allah declared in a calming voice. "Now let's look at some swatches."
Day No. 5:
"I'd like to design some creatures of the sea," the Lord God said. "Sleek but not slick."
"Yes, yes, and more yes it's a total gills moment," said Apollo. "But what if you added wings?"
"Fussy," whispered Buddha to Zeus. "Why not epaulets and a sash?"
"Legs," said Allah. "Now let's do legs."
"Are we already doing dining-room tables?" asked the Lord God, confused.
"No, design some creatures with legs," said Allah. So the Lord God, nodding, designed an ostrich.
"First draft," everyone agreed, and so the Lord God designed an alligator.
"There's gonna be a waiting list," Zeus murmured appreciatively.
"Now do puppies!" pleaded Vishnu. "And kitties!"
"Ooooo!" all the gods cooed. Then, feeling a bit embarrassed, Zeus ventured, "Design something more practical, like a horse or a mule."
"What about a koala?" asked the Lord God.
"Much better," Zeus declared, cuddling the furry little animal. "I'm going to call him Buttons."
Day No. 6:
"Today I'm really going out there," said the Lord God. "And I know it won't be popular at first, and you're all gonna be saying, 'Earth to Lord God,' but in a few million years it's going to be timeless. I'm going to design a man."
And everyone looked upon the man that the Lord God designed.
"It has your eyes," Zeus told the Lord God.
"Does it stack?" inquired Allah.
"It has a naive, folk-artsy, I-made-it-myself vibe," said Buddha. The Inca sun god, however, only scoffed. "Been there. Evolution," he said. "It's called a shaved monkey."
"I like it," protested Buddha. "But it can't work a strapless dress." Everyone agreed on this point, so the Lord God announced, "Well, what if I give it nice round breasts and lose the penis?"
"Yes," the gods said immediately.
"Now it's intelligent," said Aphrodite.
"But what if I made it blond?" giggled the Lord God.
"And what if I made you a booming offscreen voice in a lot of bad movies?" asked Aphrodite.
Day No. 7:
"You know, I'm really feeling good about this whole intelligent-design deal," said the Lord God. "But do you think that I could redo it, keeping the quality but making it at a price point we could all live with?"
"I'm not sure," said Buddha. "You mean, what if you designed a really basic, no-frills planet? Like, do the man and the woman really need all those toes?"
"Hello!" said the Lord God. "Clean lines, no moving parts, functional but fun. Three bright, happy, wash 'n' go colors."
"Swedish meets Japanese, with maybe a Platinum Collector's Edition for the geeks," Buddha decided.
"Done," said the Lord God. "Now let's start thinking about Pluto. What if everything on Pluto was brushed aluminum?"
"You mean, let's do Neptune again?" said Buddha.
11 years agoRiadect
11 years agoRiadect
You have made 16409 posts, 391 journal entries, and 14 forum threads.
You watch 44 users, while 66 watch you.
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Your most popular journal was THIS JOURNAL HAS TEH MOST COMMENTS. with 31 comments.
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