My nutritionist asked "Have you found yourself prone to crying easily lately?"
I laughed. "Oh, honey. I've ALWAYS been an easy crier!"
I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't mind so much crying over moments in a Pixar film since those movies are great at ripping your chest open and lovingly showing your still-beating heart to you AND the rest of the audience is crying, too. But there are those moments when I cry because I feel super vulnerable, or extremely frustrated, or I've accidentally hurt someone's feelings. Those moments are the worst. And because those moments are built out of frustration or shame or self anger, I get even more frustrated and cry harder. What a vicious cycle! Wheeeee!! It's the world's shittiest merry-go-round!
But crying can be so awesome. It can release pressure that builds up inside of you. It can be refreshing like a purge of nasty junk habits or pushing a boulder out of a pathway. Crying is like unclogging a toilet after taking an epically satisfying shit: Lots water splooshing about, lots of grunting, and then a release the whole house can hear.
Here are some of the things that make me cry:
1) Roadkill - A driver has to make the decision to swerve to save the raccoon's life while risking the passengers in the car OR hit the raccoon and call it "The modern circle of life" The raccoon doesn't know any better. Raccoon wants to cross the street to grab more shiny things to wash in a river. Some days, nature just doesn't stand a chance against our transportation needs.
2) Domestic animal roadkill - That was someone's beloved pet. I once asked my mother to turn the car around so I could read the pet tag on a cat that had been hit. I wanted so desperately to tell the family...but my mother, understanding my reasoning, gently declined with a "I'm not pulling over on the highway. People won't blink twice at hitting an animal and you are a big target". I laughed through my tears and said "Did you just call me FAT?"
3) Love - I love so fully and completely that it fills my body to bursting. To make sure that I don't burst or fly away like a Macy's Parade balloon, I laugh and I cry. I cry when I'm happy and love makes me happy. And I'm taking all kinds of love! I love @sirNARVY so much that I will sometimes watch him sleep and wonder "how in the hell did I get so lucky to find you again at that particular time in our lives? and cry because I am so grateful. I cry when I watch RWBY because my friends made something internationally amazing & beautiful. I cried when our friends and my cousins came to Chris's father's funeral because, not only was that a surprise, but they dedicated their time to physically being there for us. No one wants to go to a funeral, but they came to be there for us. I cry when I look out at the sea of Guardians working their asses off. And, at the end of the event, we all cry together because WE FUCKING DID IT, GUYS. I cry when my cats cuddle to me and purr and know that I am truly worthy.
4- Causing Disappointment - When I read through the THOUSANDS of RTX Guardian applications, I will have moments where I cry because I know that we have to say "No, thank you" to 75% of the applicants. And it's not because they didn't fit the Guardian standard...t's because we run out of room on the roster. But I HATE that we have to turn so many people away. I never want to make folks feel unwanted or that they are not good enough. Please know that this is not the case! <3
5 - Running out of something - Ok. Total white-person-first-world-problems here. In the age of creature comforts, we rely on THINGS to make us happy. Some of us like small things (not just size, but significance in the grand scheme of the universe-wise) You have a rough day full of unsolved problems or shitting people being shitty or you are chemically/psychologically/emotionally just not havin' dat shit today. All you want to do is to have that one snack, watch that one episode of something, use that one product to make you feel better. You get to the cabinet or whatever to grab that snack/product or you get to On Demand for that episode: BUT IT'S GONE. It was so little that didn't warrant a place on the shopping list or space on the DVR. The physical packaging can only hold so much and betrayed you! YOU ARE OUT OF THAT SOMETHING JESUS CHRIST ALL I WANTED WAS THIS PARTICULAR TEA AND NOW I AM OUT & THE STORES ARE CLOSED & I CANNOT HAVE IT RIGHT THIS SECOND. We all have that moment. Mentally, you are disappointed and you know that this is not that bad of a situation. BUT your body is in all out RAMPAGE mode and cannot...nay...WILL NOT be calmed until you get your hands on that whatever the fuck it was that you had your heart set on. Cry about it..and then laugh at how adorably petty we can be.
6- The sky - Look at the sky. At night and during the day. That is the universe right above our heads! To some, that is HEAVEN right there! The sky is endless possibilities. The sky reminds us that we are all part of this grand thing called life and matter and the universe. And, although people will comment on how insignificant we are individually to the whole universe, I say "NO" to that. We are part of it. We're here. Our individual footprints may be small, but we're here.
7 - Significance - I matter. I'm here. You matter. You're here. And thank you <3