As I'm sure most are aware there was a Bullshit piece in the New York times in October's "Self Help" section asserting to what qualities make a "modern" man. There are very few points on which I agree with the author, or that contradict themselves. I've gone through the most egregious "ways to be a modern man" with my direct commentary and at the bottom is my overall reaction. I'd put this in their comments section but the spineless cur can't handle any opinions other than their own.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
Modern men are of course married to women who need a man to buy them shoes and figure out what different brands have which size wackiness.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
What? If I buy a $20 damn steak there better not be CHARRED anything. Grill lines are not char. Plus that shit causes cancer!! What the hell dude?!?! And if I don't eat gristle it's because I'm not a dog!
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
*spews mountain dew code red all over my desk* GO FUCK YOURSELF!! First of all I would never turn away a guest based on their soda preference. SECOND!!!! Mountain Dew is awesome.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
Sure, the modern man doesn't use an evolving language with the express purpose of being an irritating prick. This is the EXACT same thing as that guy who gets super angry when someone says "clip" when the mean "Magazine" at the gun range. You know what they mean asshole. Being pedantic is not cool or modern. A two way radio was named a Walkie-talkie, can we call it a radio? Prick.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
But having a son makes you a part of the patriarchy and makes you dumber? Not having a child makes the modern man a partial person?
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
I... don't actually know what this means... but shouldn't the modern man be knowledgeable and open minded when exploring social media?
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Does watching the Dave Chappele show that featured them count? What if I prefer to listen to Ice Cube? Or any other music? Why does your taste in music embody modernity?
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
What the actual fuck is the difference? Do you bury your face in a phone to read the notes app? I don't. Also... the market? What year is it?
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
Such pretentiousness, very affluent, wow. You heard it here folks. If you don't own your own home and spend the crazy amount for wood flooring that might be opposite your taste you're not a modern man.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
So wait... The modern man owns no weapon but must offer his life to protect his wife? Why, if the modern man's role is that of a bullet sponge, does he not feel it's his duty to own a weapon with which successful self defense is more likely? Where's the wife going to run in this situation anyway? Through the puddle of the modern man's blood if she's lucky enough that the assailant is too preoccupied to prevent a witness from escaping? Why does the modern man have to be a tactician and guardian with even his sleeping position if he's resolved to be unarmed? Or are they saying we should go back to swords? THIS HYPOCRITE GIVES AN EXAMPLE OF A USE OF A GUN IN HIS OWN LIST!!!
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
The modern man must be a hipster and insist on using dead media filled with stupid opinion pieces written by assholes like me. Me being Brian Lombardi, the guy that came up with this list. That writes for the New york times.... Also pajama pants dude... Jesus.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
Clearly men who have prefer the Shawshank redemption are intellectual idiots.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
Because if you don't have reason to cry, you must not be modern enough. I'll help you out though. Go look at how expensive houses are. Oh but don't let anyone see you cry. Good Heavens no. Swallow that shit up and bottle it deep inside. Don't ever think that it's perfectly natural to need help occasionally. Or that you might need mental health and should feel no shame in seeking it. Not that there's a huge discrepancy in how many men kill themselves compared to women and how many men seek and receive mental care when compared to women.
Why are there so many people coming up with this garbage? What makes a ______ man\woman\sponge\piano\etc lists have been going around for so long and all it does is reinforce stupid stereotypes. I'm not immune, I read these "self help" articles but they make me mad. How can people be so off the mark? Why are we supporting people who draw lines in the sand and say "If you don't meet these standards you're not a real man (or whatever the case is)" Well sometimes you got to fight fire with fire.
So I've come up with a list of things that make a modern PERSON according to me. It's a short list.
- If someone's life choices don't affect you, leave them to it.
- If you choose not to own a firearm, cool. If you do, know how to store it, handle it, shoot it and secure it responsibly.
- Don't let other people determine your interests. If you're into Anime and Magic the Gathering, don't feel like you have to watch sports and action movies. You do you.
- The modern person should express as much emotion as they feel comfortable with and should not be ashamed to seek help if they need it. Likewise the modern person will not judge anyone for doing such.
- The modern person eats whatever the hell they want as long as they know what's in it.
- The modern person has kids only when they are responsible enough to be in charge of a person.
- (Optional by Technicality) The Modern person ensures that vaccinations are up to date because they understand that science is real and herd immunity protects those unable to inoculate.