Teryngale

Male
from Bryant, AR

  • Activity

    • Golf & Other Things to do in Hell

      12 years ago

      Teryngale

      A stab at using my humor in a stand-up routine formula. I think it turned out great. It was a hit when I had time to run it through at work, and I got some good reception on deviantART, so I'm secure in crossposting it to here.

      It is about golfing, which I did for the first time yesterday. You'll see the material here parallels other comedy routines at times, but I think my own original content more than outweighs the 'general jokes of golf'.

      © myself, *Teryngale



      ---


      Went golfing with a couple of friends, Justin and Jacob the other day. I decided to go along so I could relax after a week straight of working from early morning to late night. Nothing like a relaxing round of golf to fucking piss you off. Shot a 136 on 9 holes with a par of 36. After 136 strokes, fuck calling them clubs anymore, they are sticks now. In fact, fuck the course, fuck the sport, and fuck the entire nation of Scotland!

      Comedians should never fucking golf... There's no punchline here.


      The course we were at was called 'Long Hills' but I think they are going to have to change the name to Land Fills after what I did to the front nine. On the bright side, I did take out most of the hills for the guys behind us. I'm sure they were grateful.


      On the first hole, I took a whack at the ball and it flew straight into the rough; right into one hell of a thicket of trees. I didn't even see where the fucker landed. I asked Jacob if he saw where it fell. He replied, "Yeah. It's by that pine tree, over there." ... It's. Fucking. ARKANSAS!!! There are more trees here than children born out of incestual wedlock!

      I turn to him and say "The fuck? Why not be more specific, such as: the tree with bark, or the tree sticking out of the fucking ground?"

      On the second hole, this squirrel comes out of no where, just minding his own business. I charge out into the rough with stick raised for battle, screaming "SQUIRREL!!!" The damn thing shits itself and runs headlong into that pine tree, over there. And the assholes behind us just started to freak out like "Oh dear God! Is that boy epileptic?"


      Those fuckers were fully pimped out with Oxford vests, long sleeved pinstripe shirts with matching hand painted ties, kahki pants the color of a desert shit, and those fucking plaid berets with bunny-tail tops.

      Who fucking dresses like that anymore? Can people not golf without suiting up like a medieval pimp with matching luggage? Standing out there with their putters on the greeen, wearing their shiny new faux gold rolex's and white-inspection gloves as if they were posing for 'Golf Weekly' like there is a fucking catwalk on the back nine.


      On the 8th hole, I took a liking to just picking up the ball and chucking it, taking three strokes per throw. Too bad it made for 32 strokes on a par three. Maybe I should call off that softball game next week while I'm at it.

      Take 3, throw the ball. Take 3, throw the ball. Take 3, throw the fucking stick at those assholes laughing at me, by that pine tree, over there. That's how I got the 32, but it was worth the extra strokes. That fucker won't ever make fun of my golfing skill ever again, that is if he ever regains consciousness.


      I gave up for the day after the 9th hole. I put the oversized hand-bag back up and got my pen and paper while watching the guys golf. I tried to be nice and help out by playing caddy boy for them. I shortly came to the revelation that manual labor for a writer is fucking painful; even for those watching me carry the shit. So I told them to fuck off and carry their own damn bags.


      At the tenth hole, Justin started complaining that his feet hurt. Well yeah, after standing around, watching me swing a stick at a ball a hundred fucking times, one's feet do begin to hurt.


      We started talking about the time Justin and another friend, Lenial golfed. Sadly he did better than me. But he has no personality at all, so atleast I did better by telling jokes the entire morning. Lenial is one of those wierd people that you hope you never meet in a dark alley in the middle of the night. And he has one hell of a unibrow. We started talking about good ways to get him to shave it off. I should take a pair of hedge clippers and start towards him, saying "Don't worry. I'm just taking off the unibrow. Now some little girl with Leukemia can have a pony tail again!"

      Those of you laughing now have no soul. Congratulations.


      On the 15th hold, Justin stopped by the lake and kissed this statue of a toroise... No real punchline there. I just thought it was fucking wierd. When I questioned him about it, he stared at me blankly and said "I've been waiting for that moment for a long time. It made me happy."

      To which I replied, "Alright, whatever you like. It is Arkansas, afterall."


      My hand fucking hurts still from golfing. It hurts worse than after that time I found that the HBO porn channels were free for a week. But outside of that, I'm calling it a good day. I shot a 36, mulligan'd a hundred. The other guys did pretty good too after factoring in their handicap, me.

    • The day ends, Yet Christmas is Eternal

      12 years ago

      Teryngale

      And if anyone thinks I believe that bull shit, I will personally call you a retard in a very peculiar manner.


      Anyway. Christmas Day has come and gone, and the Christmas Season still has another 11 days following. I dunno. This time of year makes me depressed more than joyous. Wierd little reverse psychology, huh? So I've not done much comic writing, therefore the offendaganza might be packing up for the year.

      I did have this one interesting bit of amusement:
      There should be a little movie or something of the Nativity, where in the credits after the movie is over it should say:

      No virgins were harmed in the making of this movie.
      (The girl who played Mary was a slut.)



      ps: Merry fucking christmas. Now get off my lawn you damn singing bastards.

    • Happy Halloweastermas!

      12 years ago

      Teryngale

      My All Hallowed Eve was rather tranquil. Except I did go to this one event where I ate some of this guy's skin and drank of his blood with a bunch of vampires. I think they call it Mass or something.

      I posted a new pic, a halloween strip. I think it is pretty funny. House of Leaves has to be the scariest friggen book ever published. I've never read it though, due to the fact that I'm a friggen coward when it comes to scary crap.

      Well, I have to work in the morning, so I suppose I shall turn in. Be careful eating your candies, and if you find drugs in your trick or treat bag, be responcible and give the drugs to me.... For... Uhm... Security, yeah. Security n' stuff.

    • The Puma II, 6-16-2006 --- 9-13-2006 RIP

      12 years ago

      Teryngale

      The Puma II has passed. It was actually freaking totalled out by a fuggin' FOUR WHEELER!!!

      Ohwell. Another Puma bites the dust.

      "I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys..." -- Pvt. Dick Simmons


      I haves a new car, will take pics ASAP.

    • So I survive my first automobile wreck.

      12 years ago

      Teryngale

      Mainly because I wasn't in the car. My car isn't doing so hot though.

      See Image 1

      This is the good side, folks. There used to be another good side too. It now looks like...


      See Image 2


      I hope the Puma II will be repaired in a timely manner. No one was hurt in the accident, and not other major damage was done to anyone.


      Now for the part where I explain "What the Hell happened??"

      In a sentence: Some how, an idiot neighbor lost control of an ATV that he wasn't even on, and it ran into my car.


      Now for the full dirt:

      A neighbor and his wife were working on a four wheeler that the man had recently gotten from his brother. They didn't even know if it would work. The ATV didn't even have a seat. The idiots weren't on the damn thing incase it started off and possibly wreck into someone else's vehicle. They pull the starter cord, and supposedly it ran off on it's own.

      I say supposedly, because it is pretty damn difficult for a machine to drive without the accelerator being actively used.

      So the thing rams into my car, which is parked on my house's driveway. Away from the street.

      As a friend pointed out to me earlier, "That sucks." I didn't connect the ideas until then.



      I just wonder how much intellect does it take to correctly set up an ATV that you know nothing about, and to work on it. Idiots.

      But it must be my fault. I was stupid enough to come home. That must be the ticket. It is my fault that my parked car, on my driveway, was rammed into by a driver-less ATV.

      ...


      If you didn't notice, that was a joke. It'd be funnier if I didn't know that the idiots had no insurance on the ATV.


      They are paying for my damn car to be fixed.

      And I mean fixed good. I don't want some ghetto ass green door on my fucking marroon car.

    • The True Story behind the Platypus

      13 years ago

      Teryngale

      God was hanging out with Lucifer on the 6th day.

      Lucifer said "Hey God, I bet you anything you can't make a cross between a mole, a beaver, and a duck."

      God said "Oh yeah? What do I get if I win?"

      Lucifer said "One fucked up animal."

      And God bitch slapped him to hell, cause no one cusses at the Lord.


      ...Then Chuck Norris came along and round-house kicked a mole so far up a duck's ass, a platypus egg came out the other end.

    • I've been tag'd.

      13 years ago

      Teryngale

      by Pennyc. Someone go fire bomb her apartment or something.

      Alright, 10 things about me and then some peoples tagg'd? Can't tag, because I'm antisocial, anbd I'll firebomb people. Or so el Poop-o Cat-o shall say. Mainly because it is true.

      1- I listen to Classical Music, Gaming Music, and Trocadero.
      2- I've only had one girlfriend ever. And she was psycho obsessive. It is better now that we are just friends, but psycho chick back then.
      3- I wish I could draw.
      4- I can write well. I really don't like any of my writing peices. It is mainly Role Playing associated stuff. I think I do well, but I always end up over critiquing and thinking that hte work is just a peice of shit.
      5- I don't like the number 5.
      6- I love designing stuff. I have archives of documents and jpegs of random stuff.
      7- I have this wierd problem with overworking myself. If I dont' feel like I'm about to collapse, I don't think that I've worked hard enough that day.
      8- I'd wear the shirts I've designed. Especially the Team Kill one, if I could find camo fabric and a text-on-shirt company.
      9- Anime is my anti-drug. Because Anime is so freaking expensive, I can't get my fix of NyQuil.
      10- Blood Gulch is a great set for RvB, but I FUCKING HATE PLAYING THAT LAME ASS LEVEL ON HALO!!! Damnit, there are 20 dedicated servers to Blood Gulch. It isn't fun enough for that many servers.

    • I have a car now.

      13 years ago

      Teryngale

      Woo!

      I bought a Maroon 1998 Ford Contour.

      It'll take 24 years months to pay off.

      I'm happy. I feel alot better than I have in a long time right now.

      Good enough to even start some writing.

      As for a small snag. Eet must have a name. A name of ultimate power!!! Which means a RvB inspired name.

      My Friend Ben has LaChupathingy.

      Friend Matt has Sheila, used to have a car named The Puma (I might steal that)

      So I wish to hear suggestions please. (The more, the better)

    • Great time on Halo tonight

      13 years ago

      Teryngale

      I just ripped myself away from another great 3 hour session of Halo.

      I have two new profile names. An Elephant, and A Kitten. Just because I like the thought of the phrase "You killed A kitten". So I'm playing as Kitten.

      Started off in Rat Race CTF-- Where I got the flag twice in the last minute to score a win for Red Team (Go reds!).

      Then the real fun started. We get to Ice Fields CTF-- I'm tired of going for the flag. I get a snipe rifle and a shotgun. In the 30 minute level, I make 21 kills and 4 deaths. One of which is cause I grabbed a rocket launcher, and get surprised by a blue named Dujon. I laid on the trigger and realized what I did. I got a kill and a suicide.

      Then another Blue by the name JumpinJacks picked up a flamethrower. I hit him with a snipe as he is toasting me, we both die. So I post in caps "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO COOK ME YOU FUCKING CHINK!" *** Where much laughing occured.

      After that, my luck turned in a round of DangerCanyon CTF. Not much happened, mainly me getting a Rocket Launcher and commiting suicide by killing another guy at point-blank range. I grab the flag twice, and the second time a guy joined the server and TKed me for the flag. I TKed him back for the flag and made my second point. The fucker starts spamming the server with 'My Flag'. What the fuck? He just joins up and he is going to be a fucking noob about playing the damn game? So he keeps trying to TK me. I kill him enough times to make him quit the server, and gameplay resumed. I had a hog on red base's flag stand to try and add blockage to the flag. i had a gunner, I was the driver. For some reason, I hit reverse, and accidently ran over a guy that just joined.

      ...

      Effking hilarious. "Oops. Sorry dude. I guess I should have been checking my mirrors."


      Then We go into Blood Gulch CTF-- Ugh. I'm tired of BG. IT is great for RvB, but everyone plays that damn box canyon. It gets boring. I don't stay long, just long enough to get a flag point and get sniped a few times. But a hilarious conversation occurred, which I transcribed.

      --Dujon was betrayed by Ness001.

      Dujon- You betrayed me for a sniper.

      Ness001- No I didn't.

      Dujon- Yes you did.

      Ness001- No I didn't.


      In$@n3- Someone help me here!

      --In$@n3 was killed by KillerClown3.

      Dujon- Yes you did.

      In$@n3- Never mind...

      Ness001- No I didn't.

      Dujon- Yes you did.

      Ness001- No I didn't!

      Dujon- You killed me.

      Ness001- Uhuh.

      Dujon- And you took my gun.

      Ness001- And?

      Dujon- You betrayed me for a snipe rifle.

      Ness001- No I didn't. I wouldn't kill anyone for a gun.


      A Kitten- Why did you kill him?

      Ness001- Cause I didn't like him.

      KillerClown3- That's good enough reason there.


      All in all, a great session. Hope I see another one that fun again soon.


      *** Sorry if I offended any Chinese and/or any person whatsoever.

    • Halo: Day 2

      13 years ago

      Teryngale

      Do they have Spartans Anonymous groups yet? 'Cause I'm hooked. Seeing that it is 1 am today, and not some time in the pm yesterday, It is obvious that I just wrenched myself from the game. I floated around a few games before I found the coolest group of people.

      First was Shaggy2Duo (Or something like that. I don't recall his full call sign.) Who was supreme with a sniper rifle. But somehow, I caught him offguard every other time and took him out with ease.

      Second was BloodBath3. He was my partner in the game when I joined in. He would grab the blue's flag while I braved going up against Shaggy to get the red flag back.

      *Rocky* was Shaggy's partner before more people joined in. He was a formidable enemy too.

      Then Halo's Girl showed up. Damn. There is something about chicks that play Halo that excites me. >_> Did I say that out loud? Anyway, she and I made a great team sniping off the enemy while Blood went for the flag again.

      Several others joined up aswell, but they didn't stand out. Except for one whiner who said that Shaggy had an auto aim bot, since he kept getting killed by Shaggy. Sore loser.

      Oh yeah. I found out that I'm not a freaking noob on Halo. Infact, I kick ass at times. I just can't deal with random carnage levels.

      So we find out that the TK protocol is off, so Halo's Girl and I start shooting eachother, waiting for the blues to try and steal the flag. She runs up to me and starts meleeing me over and over and over.

      So I broadcast to the whole server "Wow, Halo's Girl. How'd you know I was a massochist?"


      Much laughing was occured. Then Shaggy & I got back to sniping eachother. By this time, we have alot of respect for eachother, because we are just killing eachother off asap. I message "Shaggy. I have a feeling that you don't like me."

      He replies "Why do you say that?"

      "The steel bullets you keep lodging up my nose."

      I turn the corner as he was about the reply, and find him standing there. I felt kinda bad about sniping him, but it was hilarious.

      I said "Then agian, the feeling is mutual."


      I really didn't want to quit. It was so much fun. I can't wait to play again. I hope I get to play against people as great as those guys (Or even better, those exact guys!)



      -----

      Sorry for the randomly long posts. This is the first time I've had fun playing a multiplayer game, much less an FPS. Hey Sylo, why don't we get your Xbox out and play a few rounds of CTF some time?

  • About Me

  • Comments (10)

    • Teryngale

      10 years ago

      Only when there are enough RvB videos to download.

    • sylokat

      10 years ago

      well, don't we all. Apparently you care enough to keep your sponsorship...

    • Teryngale

      10 years ago

      In reply to sylokat, #-1:

      Every once in a while, ya.

    • sylokat

      10 years ago

      sup bro. i see you still check this site

    • MDewMan

      11 years ago

      cool pics

    • poopcat

      12 years ago

      blahblahblah [Post #1] was right. You have gotten plenty more.


      Enjoy your reverse giving spree *melodramatic laugh*


      I should've known it was you!

      Thanks!

    • halowizard10

      13 years ago

      haha I thought this was pretty funny.
      thonfire.gif

    • poopcat

      13 years ago

      bmdance5fa.gif
      Dancing time!

    • dragonmanweb FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold What's this?

      13 years ago

      Sarge is red, caboose is blue,
      You hate poetry, and I do too!

    • sylokat

      13 years ago

      old_school_tk.jpg

      got this off of DiMono's picture section and i couldn't resist myself, especially with you being catholic

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