from Outer Space

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    • Dear Olympics - Part 5

      13 years ago


      (Part 5)

      We’ll add more to this list as we continue to brainstorm while getting freaky-crazy-naked-high on more cans of Raid. I’ll be sure to send you the final events list once it comes together. (Along with a few nude photos of me per your request.) Oh yeah! I can’t believe I almost forgot this! I’m hoping you will let us design the medals that will be awarded for each sporting event. The IOC is going to love us for this … I figured out a way we can save tons of money on the Gold, Silver, and Bronze Medals (allowing all of us to split and pocket the leftover cash) by using scrap metal from discarded radioactive pizza barrels and spray painting them with Rust-O-Leum. Face it … I doubt that any Olympic athlete has ever went to the trouble of having his/her medal appraised; I’d be willing to bet dollars to donuts (chocolate filled) that they all gullibly believe their medals are the real thing. It’s a WIN-WIN situation for us. If no one notices, we walk away with lots of extra cash. If someone does happen to notice; then we can always make up some story, planting it in the local paper, that the particular athlete in question tested positive for taking Elephant hormones and smoking crack wrapped in clubbed baby seal pelts. We can say that the athlete crafted his own fake medal to fool his family and friends, after selling the real one to supplement his addiction. Then just for fun we can release some doctored photos (where we put his head on the body of someone else’s) showing the athlete having relations with many different farm animals. If necessary, I’ll sacrifice myself and whole-heartedly volunteer to be the person whose body is used in the farm animal photos. It’s the least I can do for the Olympic Dream.

      In closing, please email me at billkinkaid@billkinkaid.com once you’ve sent China their 10 dollars back. When it’s officially done, please send a private plane to pick both me and Steve up so we can meet you face to face and further discuss The Bixty-Hollerville games and what sort of kick backs we should be expecting. I hope you won’t mind, but Steve and I will more than likely be staying at your home (or the home of one of the other board members on the IOC) for 18 to 20 months; or at least until the Statute of Limitations finally expires. (Quick Question: Is there an extradition treaty with the USA where you live?) We are really looking forward to the Bixty-Hollerville 2008 Summer Olympics; and introducing both our mascot “Psycho the Rabies infected Raccoon†and our motto … “That’s not rat infested raw sewage you smell … It’s the sweet smell of Victory!†to the entire world. Bixty-Hollerville is ready for the world; hopefully the world is ready for Bixty-Hollerville.

      Sincerely yours for all of eternity,
      Bill “Five Love Rings†Kinkaid

      PS â€" It might be a good idea right now to create some sort of new rule to keep professionals out of the Hot Dog Eating competition. Otherwise that fat guy from Nsync (Joey FatOne) might walk away with every medal available. Plus, the expense for hot dogs would be greater than the Gross National Product of 75% of the countries participating in the 2008 Bixty-Hollerville Summer Olympic Games. Besides, I’m not really sure what the other members of Nsync might possibly do with any leftover hot dogs.

      (The End)

    • Dear Jack Thompson - Part 1A

      13 years ago


      This is for all of us who’ve had enough of Jack Thompson … The People’s Village Idiot

      Sorry, it’s pretty long so it’s in 5 parts

      = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

      (PART 1A)

      Dear Jack Thompson (The Peoples Champion),

      My name is Bill Kinkaid and I hail from the small town of Bixty-Hollerville. (As I’m sure you already know, the city of Bixty-Hollerville is pretty easy to find on a map. It’s just due North of West Kipley-Fangbottom; South of East Diddlesburg; but only a stone’s throw from Crackerton and Bickney’s Hollow by way of Maxwell’s Corner.) For years I have sat idly by (often completely naked; and sometimes pretty darn drunk or high) waiting for a champion of the people to rear their ugly head and take on the demonic bunny killing juggernaut known simply as … THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY. I’m finally happy to say that because of you, that day has finally come and my wait is now over. I have been keeping a rather close eye on everything you’ve been doing lately in regards to your unprovoked attacking of everything associated with extremely fun and entertaining video games. (Don’t worry, let me reassure you that I have NOT been keeping an eye on you “In personâ€Â, because the plea agreement on my six stalker convictions currently has me under house arrest until late Friday of next week. (If by chance you have seen someone resembling me in your area (and by “AREA†I mean “BUSHES IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSEâ€Â), then it’s not my fault. You make it so hard for me to not think about you on those dark lonely nights.)

      Actually, the truth is that besides hiding in your bushes, I’ve been keeping myself informed of your numerous activities by reading all of the major publications currently providing coverage of your escapades … Time, Newsweek, Hustler, and Tiger Beat (Do you think Hilary Duff will finally find happiness?). Let me just say that I’m very pleased with you, and the way you have been able to bully people around armed with very little evidence, intelligence, or credibility. I think if you’ve proved one thing, it’s that people just like you and me (who can’t tie our shoe laces or get dates with girls we don’t have to pay on some dark street corner) can go really far if we can find a scapegoat to put the blame on. You’ll be happy to know that because of your actions, I have now placed you on my rather short “HEROES†list. (You’ll also be happy to know that I keep the list safely and secretly duct taped to the back of my toilet (The one I never clean) so that it won’t “ACCIDENTALLY†fall into the wrong hands and be used for evil. Especially any of the hands of the many lone hitchhikers I pick up during my nightly hobby of patrolling the poorly lit portions of our local interstate highway.)

      I wouldn’t normally do this, but considering we’ll be neighbors in a few short weeks, I’ve included (just below) my double-secret “HEROES†list for your reading pleasure. (I must ask one small favor of you … To be sure that no one steals this important list from your computer; I would greatly appreciate it if you would promptly douse your computer with Charcoal-Lighter Fluid, and set it on fire, as soon as you finish this letter? Thanks a bunch!) Now here’s the list:

      Hero Number 1: My Legless Father … Although he is merely half of a man; because of the whole missing leg thing. He did overcome the near fatal Pong accident that robbed him of the ability to walk in the mid to late early 70’s to start his own failing, poorly managed law practice … Similar to yours. Also … Just like you, he went on to attack several major industries that he had absolutely no understanding of.

      (Continued in PART 1B)

    • Dear Jack Thompson - Part 1B

      13 years ago


      (Continued PART 1B)

      Number 2: Manuel Noriega … Of all people; I don’t have to tell you why, because you already know (from what they said about you in Newsweek). I do greatly apologize for your face being ravaged by runaway back acne that migrated onto your face while you were sleeping one night … just like your hero Noriega. I sure hope we can count on seeing you at the nightly Manuel Noriega Fan Club meetings we’ll be holding in your garage once I move my trailer and my herd of goats into your neighborhood in a few weeks. I guess I should have mentioned this earlier; but I’m going to need to park my trailer at your house until I can come up with some truly shifty real estate scam to secure some land of my own from many of the local elderly widows. Please don’t be surprised if it takes me a year or two (possibly ten) before I can afford to move myself off of your property. This I promise you today Jack, in front of my autographed picture of David Hasselhoff and my 15 hairless Egyptian Mole Rats … If it ends up taking me longer than 13 months to find my own land near you; I’ll be sure to eventually dig a hole in your concrete driveway (You’ll have to park on the street) for my septic waste to drain into, instead of letting it flow directly onto your yard or driveway like I’ll be doing the first 13 months of my visit. FYI: You may want to invest in a really good pair of nose plugs. Just for those times you’ll plan on venturing anywhere directly outside of your house; or even for those times you find yourself going into any room in your house that is adjacent to where my trailer will be located. I can’t help it, but I suffer from a rather putrid and crippling form of chronic habitual flatulence.

      Number 3: IS YOU! … From what I’ve read about you, I can’t help but put you on my list. I’m just so amazed by you Mr. Thompson! I mean, there aren’t many people who can function with an IQ that registers at the full blown mentally challenged level of below 70 (per the Hustler article); not to mention, finding someone who’ll put up with all of that slobbering. Your parents must be so proud of you and Leon. Although I don’t completely agree with your lifestyle; I do have to say that I respect your courageous court battles to bring same sex marriages to Florida. I hope you and your life partner can eventually find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. (I just hope that when we finally do meet face-to-face in a few weeks, that you and your life partner won’t try to … “FIND†any of that so-called “HAPPINESS†I was talking about … or … Make any of those freakishly “WILD DREAMS†come true … in front of me and my lactose intolerant virgin pet monkey Ernie. If so, then please be sure to give Ernie and me ample notice so that we can promptly turn our heads.)

      Life’s funny … You know what I mean? Why just last Friday, there I was just lazily driving my candy apple red Hover-Round Deluxe Wheelchair (paid for by the tax payers of this great nation) to the mailbox like I always do on the first Friday of every month. I was heading down there to pick up my weekly disability check, cheese vouchers, and my monthly government assistance check. (Sadly for me, I have no choice but to use the motorized candy apple red Hover-Round Deluxe Wheelchair (With the optional 8 speaker stereo system) because of the chronic paper cut I have, that has taken nearly 8 years to heal. You’ll never know what it’s like to HAVE to put a dab of Neosporin and a fresh quarter-inch circular Band-Aid on the tip of your pinky finger almost 2 times monthly. It’s almost as if I’m being held hostage by my own medical care needs. Sometimes when I’m laying in my hammock, watching Pay-Per-View DirecTV movies, and drinking a six pack of beer in the middle of the day while everyone else is at work, it really gets to me. You have no idea how close I often come to crying just before I drift off into slumber and take a 5 hour power nap. Fortunately for you and Leon, you’ll never have to know what real suffering is like.)

      As I was saying … On my way back from retrieving my checks from the mailbox, a voice spoke to me from way up above in the tip-top of the trees. That booming voice humbled me as it said … “BILL KINKAID! … Bill Kinkaid! Pay close attention for I will not repeat the following message … Your fellow low IQ brother Jack Thompson is in dire need of your help. Thou shall sell all of your earthly belongings and thou will journey to the land of plenty, and exhibition baseball, known as Florida! You must write him a letter immediately, detailing your own plan for changing the video games that you find most offensive. Now go forth and tell Jack that I said to stop touching himself!†As you’ve probably already guessed, that beautiful voice from high up above was from none other than THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS … That’s Right! … My extremely fat best friend Steve Guiness who lives on the second floor of my double-dutch single wide travel trailer. You may wonder why he was in that tree in the first place, well wonder no more … It just so happens that for some strange reason, Steve likes sitting up there whenever he’s busy huffing a case or two of Pam Butter Flavored Cooking Spray (Now with 33% MORE! and a NEW clog free patent pending nozzle).

      (Continued in PART 2)

    • Dear Jack Thompson - Part 2

      13 years ago


      (Continued PART 2)

      I’ve always known that some day I’d be working with you to stop the Satan worshipping makers of games like Barbie’s Paint Studio and Elmo’s Adventures in Grouchland. It’s just that Steve must have realized I needed that extra little push in the right direction. Let’s just say that my butt was already toasted, and Steve’s fateful words to me from atop that tree were the butter I so desperately needed slathered on my behind. With that said, I must now lay out our next course of action against the video game makers. Following you will find only a few of the games that need our immediate attention. For the sake of saving you time, I’ve decided not to go into full detail about all of the other games on my list that are in serious need of being banned and then burned. We can cover those said games once I arrive at your doorstep in a few weeks from today. Just so you’ll know, If I did happen to list all of the games that require our help, this letter would be longer than the South American Vine Warts I currently have growing in my armpits and on the soles of my feet.

      Now let’s get down to some witch hunting!!!

      Number 1: Pokemon: Pokerock San Francisco Bath House (GameCube)

      Christmas release from Nintendo of America. In this game we once again meet the little Pocket Monsters known as Pokemon as they do battle from within the walls of San Francisco’s most well known Bath Houses. I don’t know what a Bath House is, but I’m happy that Nintendo is at least going out their way to help teach our children proper bathing hygiene. I do have to ask … Am I the only one who realizes that Pokerock must be short for Pocket Rocket? I’m not quite sure what a Pocket Rocket is; but the simple idea of slipping an explosive rocket into your pants pocket, knowing it could easily go off half-cocked at any second, is just not a very safe idea for the children of the world to subscribe to. Just like Grand Theft Auto, this game is rumored to have a secret code similar to the “Hot Coffee Code†that allowed Grand Theft Auto players to engage the game characters in a little round of “Hide the Colonelâ€Â. (If you know what I mean?) The Pokemon Code is being called the “Hot Pancakes Codeâ€Â. To activate the hidden content the player must simply enter the code, and then easily play non-stop for 1,698 hours. During those 1698 continuous hours they must successfully complete 3,431 consecutive Pokemon Battles while using only one button on the controller the whole time, and depressing that single button with nothing but their nose. What ticks me off is that they’ve made it so easily accessible that it’s almost like taking candy from a baby! Once this is done, it is rumored that you can unlock the ability to make Pancakes for your entire demonic group of Pokemon.

      This really bothers me … Doesn’t it bother you? I’ll tell you why. What kind of message are we sending to our kids if they are allowed to believe that some morning they may wake up to find some strangely named creature standing in their kitchen, preparing breakfast for them? It’s horrible, because these kids will spend their entire lives wondering if it could happen, and they’ll ultimately be let down and have their spirits crushed. Besides, anyone with half of a brain knows that the only non-human creatures even remotely capable of making pancakes are the Crimean Nesterlons from the Zino Portion of Sector 9 in the Nebulan Galaxy. Most importantly, when your character makes all of those pancakes for the other Pokemon, you might want to notice that he’s not wearing an apron! I don’t have to tell you that I know of only one person who makes pancakes without using an apron, and that person’s name is … SATAN!!!

      (Continued in PART 3)

    • Dear Jack Thompson - Part 3

      13 years ago


      (Continued PART 3)

      Number 2: Super Happy Funky-Fresh Fun Time Boogie Machine (PS2)

      Thanksgiving release from Sony of America. In this game we are introduced to the happy go lucky 10 member dance team known as the “Go American Groovy Peace Signersâ€Â. It’s a timely story of dancers scattered all across the country who attended grade school together at the “Book Learning is Fun Academyâ€Â. They are all reunited suddenly when they find out that their old English teacher Misho Takahashi is going to lose his thriving “Sushi on a Stick†business if he doesn’t come up with $52,953.91 in back taxes; which happens to be the exact amount (to the penny) that is being offered as a grand prize in the “All County Rocking Dance Jamboreeâ€Â. As luck would have it, all 10 of his former students became professional dancers because of the love of English that their teacher instilled in them. The group then decides to enter the contest in the hopes that they can succeed and save their teachers business.

      The internet is abuzz with rumors that the folks over at Sony have created a special code called the “Hot Hustle Code†that will allow gamers to see, for the first time ever in any video game … TWO PEOPLE SLOW DANCING TOGETHER WITH THEIR CHEEKS TOUCHING!!! Specifically the characters known as Texas Joe and Prom Queen Linda. Fortunately the code used to enable this satanic dance style will not work on any of the other 8 dancers. (San Diego Joe, Loki Wantanabee McGee, Broadway Joe, Ichiriko Smith, Chicago Joe, Mingna Watson, American Joe, and Pinglu Davis) I don’t know about you, but only one thing can come out of two people dancing that close together … HAND HOLDING! I’ll have you know that hand holding is a Class “A†Misdemeanor within the Bixty-Hollerville city limits. I’ll be darned if I’m going to stand by and allow such hedonism to be viewed by children, teenagers, and armless train hobos. I don’t have to tell you that I know of only one person who dances cheek-to-cheek on a regular basis like this, and that person’s name is … SATAN!!!

      Number 3: Barbie’s Golden Shower Party (XBOX)

      National Secretaries Day release from Microsoft Game Studios. I don’t know a whole lot about this game. It’s almost as if the gaming community has banded together and is shielding this game from people like you and me who have way too much time on our hands. How else could you explain a game that has Barbie in it, not getting much coverage from all of the major gaming web sites? I don’t track what games sell the most copies, but I’d be willing to bet $21.57 (My Life Savings) that Barbie themed video games are always the most well reviewed and highest selling games on the market. I will tell you this … Something about this game and its title just doesn’t sit right with me. I can’t seem to put my finger on it just yet, and it’s really starting to PISS me off. In fact, every time I sit down and really concentrate on the title, I’m constantly interrupted by the overwhelming urge to urinate. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard? I’m a real WHIZ when it comes to deduction, and I swear on the life of my pet Taiwanese Ridged-Backed Pocket Weasel … I will not PETER out, and give up, until I find out what’s wrong with this game. I don’t have to tell you that I know of only one person who throws a shower party on a regular basis, and that person’s name is … SATAN!!!

      As I mentioned earlier, there are literally hundreds of games that need our attention ASAP. We need to make sure that we keep ourselves seen and heard; otherwise parents may be forced to do the unthinkable … They might have to step up to the plate and do some actual parenting for a change. We can’t let that happen because we’ve got to be able to give those parents someone other than themselves to blame … THEY ARE COUNTING ON US JACK! You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve come up with a master plan outlining our proposed course of action (Which I call Plan XG-11). The plan is currently on the back of a Krispy Kreme donut bag, but I’ll be sure to transfer it to my Big Chief writing tablet once I can afford a new box of crayons. I should be able to do this before I arrive on your doorstep in a few short weeks.

      As luck would have it, my other neighbor Mark "One-Eye" Ferreri had some wonderful ideas about creating a new game rating system.(Unfortunately Mark lost his eye 10 years ago today, when he got into it with an elderly woman at our local all-you-can-eat seafood buffet (known as the "Slimy Gill"). They were both going after the last 3 Gorton's Fish Sticks left on the buffet; and he ended up on the short end of a shrimp fork. The doctors might have been able to re-attach his eye had Mr. Bingle not mistaken it for a scallop once it was flung onto his plate.) As I was saying ... Mark came to me one night with the following ESRB Ratings list. I promptly thanked him for his input, and asked that the next time he comes over, would it be possible for him to put some pants on.

      (Continued in PART 4)

    • Dear Jack Thompson - Part 4

      13 years ago


      (Continued PART 4)

      Here's the proposed update for the ESRB Ratings:

      F = the whole family of man (F = Family)

      CB = 5 and under (CB=Childish Babies)

      K = 10 and under (K = obviously, 'K' is for Kids)

      T = 14 and under (T = 'Tween's with crappy attitudes)

      IM = 18 and under (IM = Immature)

      A = 19 and older (A = Adult)

      DOM = 35 and older males (DOM = Dirty Old Men)

      I think Mark is on to something (I also think he's on something too, but that's between him and the DEA agents I just sent over to his place.) with this rating system. Maybe once I and Steve get settled in your front yard, and Mark gets out of jail, he can come and stay with all of us? There won't be enough room in my trailer so he'll need to stay in your master bedroom until we get a shed built for him on your driveway.

      I was thinking … Maybe Steve and I should spend the night with you and Leon that very first night we’re there. That would allow us to get down to business immediately by having a good old fashioned down-home backwoods kissing cousins brainstorming slumber party. Maybe we could make Smores, tell a few ghost stories, and braid each others hair to help us all wind down from our hard day of spreading hatred throughout the world? Regardless of how you feel about the slumber party idea; make no mistake, once the ankle monitoring device comes off next week, we’ll be on the road and on our way to Florida with my two-story travel trailer and my best friend Steve in tow! (Quick Question: Exactly which state is the city of Florida in? Is it in the state of Canada? Please email me at billkinkaid@billkinkaid.com with specific directions and addresses ASAP.)

      I can’t wait to finally meet Hero Number 3 on my secret list. Working with you is going to be such an honor Mr. Thompson. I just pray that I don’t lose control of my bladder by getting too overly excited again and accidentally pee on everyone. I sure hope you won’t mind my nakedness while we are busy brainstorming on how to come up with new ways to force our opinions down the throats of all those gullible Americans. Seriously, I do some of my very best thinking when I’m in the raw and laying on a bear skin rug. Who am I kidding? Of course you won’t mind the nudity. After all, you are the one that hooked up with Leon … The worlds very first plus-sized Male Super Model amputee. If it helps you at all, I like fresh cut roses placed in my guest room daily, but would be willing to settle for orchids if roses are not available. Together, you and I are going to turn the video game world upside down and shake it up like a bag of juicy Shake-N-Bake chicken. I’m counting the days until my arrival, as I’m sure you are. Please wish us a safe journey, and we’ll see you in the grand old city of Florida real soon.

      Yours truly, (But not in any sort of perverted way)
      Bill “Joy Stick†Kinkaid
      billkinkaid@billkinkaid.com (Don’t forget to email me!)

      PS â€" Maybe we could enlist the funky-fresh prefab band Nsync to join us with our crusade to stop Satan’s video game mind control tactics and death rays? I’ve always heard that if there are five guys on this planet who know there way around a stiff joystick, it’s these popping and locking guys. Just a thought, but I guess we can discuss it at great length during the slumber party. First one to fall asleep gets their head shaved!

      (Finally ... THE END)

    • Dear B & H Camera Supply (Part 1)

      13 years ago


      I wrote this for a friend who had his order messed up by B & H Camera Supply. They are supposedly one of the top camera supply places on the web.


      Dear B & H Camera Supplies,

      Where do I begin? Well for starters … My name is Bill Kinkaid and I need to ask if the rumor about your name is true. Does B & H really stand for Bone Head, or has my currently incarcerated mother been lying to me once again? Much like the time she told me I would be going away to summer camp; but found out she had sold me into white slavery for a shiny Zippo lighter (Embossed with a peace sign). I ended picking cotton for almost 2 months but escaped in the dead of night, losing only one arm in the process. Anyway … I’m writing because I desperately need the help of a camera professional; and since none were available, I had no choice but to contact you. You see, I’m looking to upgrade my current camera set-up to something, shall we say, just a tad bit more modern. (Preferably something with laser beams) I have one prerequisite (Although I must admit that I have no clue as to what the word “PREREQUISITE†even means, although it does sound pretty cool … Doesn’t it?) I need a camera that can be operated by a man with one arm (For once, my missing toes will not factor into this decision … at all). What I’m using at the present time is a 1976 Polaroid Instamatic camera with a jim-dandy built in flash. I have to confess that it’s pretty cool; and back in the day it helped me get in real good with the ladies ... IF, you know what I mean?

      FYI: If you’re anything like me then you can easily remember when actors James Garner and Mariette Hartley were prostituting themselves all over the TV airwaves promoting that camera back in the 70’s. Like most people, I used to think the 2 of them were married; but thankfully it turned out that they were just having a torrid love affair that only ruined the lives of their entire families, friends, neighbors, and a one-eyed jockey named Itty the Bitty Joe.

      Sadly, I’ve come to the realization that my camera was good back in my hip leisure suit wearing days of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and most of this current decade; but now that I’m a middle-aged, one-armed, toeless, balding, ex-morphine addict, with a spastic colon, and projectile nose boogers, it just doesn’t fit the bill anymore. (I’m sure all of the ladies will be happy to know that I’m not giving up the tri-colored brown leisure suit anytime soon! SO SPREAD THE GOOD NEWS! “BIG DADDY BILL†IS STILL ON THE PROWL!) Funny Story … I actually bought that camera back in 1978 mainly due to the fact that the terrifying evil ghost of James Garner showed up in my living room late one Friday night and gave me 2 choices … (Number 1) Either rush out and buy a Polaroid Instamatic Camera with a built in flash … or … (Number 2) Join him in the dark underworld afterlife for an eternity of excruciating torture. As you can obviously tell, I chose the Polaroid Instamatic Camera option; although I do have to admit that the whole dark underworld thing was pretty tempting for a short time when I was entrenched in a life and death battle against the horrors of Chronic Gingivitis.

      Just how embarrassed do you think I am today, for telling that whole “Evil Satanic Ghost of James Garner†story for more than 25 year; only to find out just last week that James Garner isn’t even dead? Well, I’m almost as embarrassed as the time I accidentally urinated on Willie Nelson’s head. (Some people were mad at me & said that it couldn’t have been an accident since I’m the one who broke into his home and stood over him while he was peacefully sleeping. (And by saying “SOME PEOPLE†I mean “A JURY OF MY PEERS†and by saying “WERE MAD AT ME†I mean “GAVE ME 5 TO 10 YEARSâ€Â)) Just between you, me, and my Norwegian Pickle-Necked Mongoose … The more I think about it, the more I realize that it may have been the mushroom tea talking on that fateful night oh so many years ago when Mr. Garner allegedly showed up to threaten me. Unless of course, James Garner has always been one of Satan’s secret minions; and he’s hell bent on sending the non-picture taking segment of society straight to hell, after he finally does that animated Nickelodeon Rugrats version of The Rockford Files for the big screen.

    • Dear B & H Camera Supply (Part 2)

      13 years ago



      As I was saying about my desire to buy a new camera set-up … I was hoping that your elite staff of corporate goodie-goodie butt-kissing yes-men could help me put together some kind of camera equipment package. I don’t want to spare any expense on this purchase, as long as we don’t go over my budget of $42.53. (IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!: Just because I told you my maximum amount that I have readily available to spend; it doesn’t give you the right to get all greedy-greedy on me, and cause me to use every penny of my $42.53 camera allowance. I was planning on having just enough cash left over to go eat a Three Egg Grand-Slam Breakfast at Denny’s later.) Can you please send all of your suggestions to the email address I’ve included below? I just wish my parents were here today, to see me being so responsible; they’d be so proud. (But that point is moot because they can’t see very much anyway; I mean with the thickness of the blindfolds, and the basement being so dark.) I’ll have you know that it's not every day that I have that kind of money readily available; especially since I have a tendency to blow it all on enemas.

      By the way, can you please let me know if the equipment you will be recommending is small enough to fit in a ladies room bathroom stall? It's not for me, because Bill don't have no problems with the Honeys. It's for my ... Uh? ... for my ... Uh? Let's see ... Uh? ... Think Bill! THINK! ... It's for my ... Uh? ... best friend Steve ... Yep! That's right! It's for my best friend Steve. Who is currently in the middle of a scientific study to find out just how many pieces of toilet paper the female segment of the population uses during each tee-tee break. (I ... I mean HE... masterfully splits time with this potty research and his other experiment ... Collecting used ear wax from discarded Q-Tips found at the State Penitentiary.) As backwards as it might sound ... Steve is really concerned that women might be the ones who are solely responsible for the recent de-forestation. If this seems like a problem you might be concerned about too; then you can see my purely scientific pictures ... Oops! I mean Steve's purely scientific pictures over at my ... I mean HIS ... renowned science and medical research website:


      I just can't begin to tell you how proud I am of him for making something out of himself after his near-fatal struggle to regain control of his runaway flatulence. (Remember … You’re never in it alone)

      In closing, let me just say thank you for treating me like a regular Joe and not some superstar just because I've got $42.53 to spend. Sometimes we rich folk have to remember where we came from; and we can't forget all of those scrumptious kitty litter nugget sandwiches we had to eat on our way to the top. Please send your advice to me right away and please keep in mind that I will not change my underwear, free the hostages, or get up from this computer, until I receive your reply.

      Your Snuggy-Wuggy-Boogie-Woogie-Boo-Bear,
      Bill "Another-Roll-In-The-Can" Kinkaid
      <insert email>

      PS - According to your records ... Do you suppose those gifted idiots in the pop group Nsync use nothing but B&H camera supplies? Please let me know in your email. I only ask because I think they're avid photographers just like me. When I saw them play live in support of their second album "Four Skinny Dudes & the Fat One" 2 years ago at "The Bixty-Hollerville Opera House and Body Shop" they wanted to take some private pictures of me in the back of an abandoned local warehouse. It didn't seem like a very strange request to me, so I agreed to meet all five of them at 3:00 AM ... Although I’m still confused about the whole “blindfolded†thing. I must have been pretty tired after meeting up with them, because I don't remember much about the whole photo session. Especially after they gave me that nice tasty drink they were calling "Rohypnol". I woke up 17 hours later in an alley 347 miles from home with a sore butt, wearing a pink chiffon party-dress and missing all of my teeth.

    • Bill Kinkaid Horoscopes (Part 1)

      13 years ago


      Now it's time for a little diversion from Bill Kinkaid's letters ... How about his take on horoscopes?


      Bill Kinkaid is the best selling author behind such classics as … Angular Triangles and Their Role in Ancient Civilizations and its sequel Naughty Nurses of New Mexico. Besides serving over 10 years in prison for molesting his neighbor’s cat, Bill Kinkaid is defined by his drive to help the common man. His cellmate in prison, Professor Steve “Throat Slasher†Guiness, was a major influence and solely responsible for putting Bill on the path to helping his fellow man, while at the same time, teaching him how to give one hell of an exquisite full body baby oil massage. Bill’s ability to look to the stars, and pull their secrets down from the glistening heavens, is too uncanny to explain in this small paragraph of text.

      As a young boy he realized he had the power to help guide people by unveiling what their Zodiac Sign held for them. He’s always done this for free; he just doesn’t know how to greedily take advantage of Mister and Misses Joe and Jill American ... It’s just not in his blood to cheat people, because it has never … I REPEAT … NEVER been about the money. (If you’d like to know more about how Bill feels on the subject of not being greedy and fleecing his followers and believers, please send $49.99 + 18.99 SH and a self addressed stamped large manila envelope to “Stop the Greed†3026 Bixty-Hollerville Rd. Bixty-Hollerville, USA (Please make all checks payable to Bill’s favorite charity … Community Action Support Habitat or C.A.S.H. for short) Please include an extra $50.99 if you’d like your order shipped within 3 months. Add an additional $149.99 if you’d like it autographed. Be sure to add another $62.99 if you’d like Bill to apply lipstick and kiss the book just below his signature.)

      Now let’s move on to why you came here in the first place. Get ready to open your mind, to soak in the wonder, and to protect your HINEY. The Master of Sparkly Stars and Seer of what is yet to be … Is in the house. And now ... The Horoscopes.


      Your body sends a command that should be heeded and that command is that you place a grocery sack over your head and stop torturing those of us who still have the power of sight. Pleasure or discomfort will dictate your actions for much of the day and diarrhea will hit you when you least expect it while standing in front of 300 people who have your undivided attention. If your other business is under control, extended personal time is welcome, even more-so after your boss catches you being intimate with a fully loaded baked potato.

      Humans may be the only animals that dress up to do business, unfortunately you are one of the few with very little moral character who actually strips to perform your business. Your sixth sense impresses current and future clients, and your ability to use those buckteeth to eat corn through a picket fence will eventually allow you to be inducted into Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum of Ugly People. Your excitement over having a bowel movement turns the same old thing into an extraordinary adventure.

      A passing whim carries you off on a different course, and by “PASSING WHIM†I mean “Homeless Drifter†and by “ON A DIFFERENT COURSE†I mean “To a vacant lot to chop your head offâ€Â. Acquaintances probably have other ideas, but there's nothing that you can do about them except sneak into their homes while they are sleeping and get them, before they ever have a chance to get you. People who are trying too hard just don't get it, and if that’s the case, you get everything.

      Prove your worth by doing what you do best … Prostituting yourself to Boy Scout Troop Leaders. Your comfortable routine looks like an exotic work of genius to someone whose talents lie elsewhere, that is if you call sitting on your fat ass 24/7 … exotic. Find a place where you fit in and decorate it to your taste. But if you get stuck in the door jam while trying to “FIT IN†then don’t call me again. I’ll be damned if I’m going to grease you down for a 16th time.

      Concentrate on saving, and this time try collecting something other than a wide variety of STDs. Investing would be even better if you can leave it in trustworthy hands, but let’s face the facts, you probably don’t have 50 cents to your name, and if you did, you’d be trying to raise a little more so you could buy yourself some more crack. Vain individuals have a hard time finding followers willing to sing their praises. Fortunately for you, you were beat with an ugly stick at a very young age.

      Write the book on success... Is what I’d say to you if you even knew how to write. Even dumb luck can be boiled down into a repeatable formula, and there’s no doubt that being as dumb as you are, you’ve got the formula memorized. It helps to know who you're dealing with, but as an Earth Sign you grasp the ultimate importance of environment, but as usual you forget what you grasped and laugh like the village idiot each time you chop a tree down just to watch it fall on some helpless couple you find making out in the park.

    • Bill Kinkaid Horoscopes (Part 2)

      13 years ago



      You're not ready for the new week, so find every last sleeping pill you can and wash them down with a fifth of Father Flannigan’s Irish Whiskey. If escape is impossible, endurance is your best bet, so prove yourself to those S.O.B.’s you currently have tied-up in your basement that you can hold out for as long as it takes. Have a little chat with your conscience to see if it will let you have fun in this situation, but in your case, you’d have to be in possession of a soul to even dream about doing this.

      Set foot in places where you'd usually fear to tread ... Like THE SHOWER or THE BATHTUB. An intriguing stranger gives you a clear-eyed look at a familiar drama, then that same stranger ties you up and plays a little game of “Can I Fit This Vegetable In There?†The truth doesn't need any airbrushed highlights, but those nude photos of you and your 367 moles surely do.

      Have faith in other people's ability to do their jobs, because you sure as hell don’t know how to do yours. Excessive force or a case of nerves could sink the deal that's been so carefully floated, SO PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU, HIT ONE AND ONLY ONE of these so-called deal makers. Preferably the cocky one with the newly capped teeth who drives a BMW. Respect yourself by honoring a bargain that you've already made, especially since you already told me the heroin would only cost $2,000.00 … and a deals a deal.

      Your relationship with your physical surroundings brings pride and pleasure, which is true, if PRIDE means Whale Butt and PLEASURE means anything you can do with a dead chicken. Everything that you do here is useful. So useful in fact, I file it in the big plastic can that sits right beside my desk every time you give it to me. Financial management and research projects advance at a satisfying rate. Advancing at about the same rate that your pant size is increasing.

      Not losing is different from winning, and in your case … Not winning proves what I’ve always known about you … YOU ARE A LOSER. Stakes and standards are higher than usual, so bring a ladder with you, because that’s the only way you’re ever going to reach high standards. You're tough enough to handle this, although it may require muscles that you haven't used in a long time. Let me clarify that, the only muscle you’ve used in the last few years is the one that allows you to chew food and swallow it. You may not know it now, but you are more than likely a necrophiliac.

      Roll with the changing plans, which shouldn’t be a problem for you, considering you roll everywhere you need to go anyway. Time spent in the waiting room may be more profitable than the appointment itself, spend it wisely picking your nose and hiding your nose treasures under the chair seats in the hopes that you may return to the waiting room some day to retrieve your buried treasures. Curiosity is a tolerant host as long as you keep asking questions, but I swear on my grandmother’s grave, if you ask me one more time, why men have wee-wees and women have tu-tus; I’m going to put a bullet in my own head.

  • Comments (52)

    • dark54555 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      13 years ago

      Is that who I think it is?

    • gameboi

      13 years ago

      Bill Kinkaid?

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