TexCube

Male
from Outer Space

  • Activity

    • Dear Wendy's

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      This is an old one

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      Dear Wendy’s,

      I am writing, because calling you is completely out of the question. (Which I will get to shortly) I was recently in your Bixty-Hollerville Wendy’s location enjoying my usual lite-lunch of 2 cups of Chili, 4 packs of Chicken Nuggets, 2 Frosty Dairy Desserts, 2 Great Biggie Fries, and 3 of your delicious triple-decker cheeseburgers. I’m currently on a diet, which is why I’m eating all of my meals at Wendy’s. My best friend Steve told me the wonderful news about all of your food menu items being Fat-Free. I want to say that I am so impressed with your decision to go Fat-Free; you are a true pioneer in the greasy fast food market. I can’t tell you how glad and fortunate I am with finding your restaurant; mainly because of my doctor warning me just 2 weeks ago that if I eat more than 10 grams of fat each day, it would more than likely kill me in a under a week. Guess what? Tomorrow will be my one-week anniversary of changing my eating habits by eating exclusively at Wendy’s. Maybe when I lose my weight we can talk about some commercials to promote your Fat-Free food; much like that butt ugly virgin from the Subway sandwich commercials that lost all of that weight.

      As I was saying … While eating the incredibly delicious Chili, I accidentally bit my tongue. I was surprised at first by how much blood was coming from my mouth. It dripped all over my fries. I promptly shoved a handful of napkins into my mouth to stop the bleeding; I then continued to eat my food. (With the napkins still in my mouth of course. The fries actually tasted better.) When I arrived home a tad-bit-later, I tried to say hello to my neighbor Steve. (The best friend I mentioned earlier who has been telling everyone at Weight-Watchers about your Fat-Free food. (You should send him a gift certificate!)) I didn’t notice at first, but my voice came out sounding rather strange. Immediately, Steve asked me if I had lost my tongue. Just so you’ll know; Steve is an authority on losing a tongue. In fact, he’s lost his tongue 11 times now. It’s hard to believe that 6 of the times, it was due to a stray dog he would often try to feed. I’ve warned him time and time again that getting into a strange dog’s face (especially a Pit Bull) and trying to give him snacks by holding the food in his teeth, was a very bad idea. But Steve never listens to reason. Hell, we’re talking about a borderline moron; the guy used his life savings ($463.32) to purchase Enron stock 2 days AFTER it crashed. He thought the Stock Market was like a game of Golf, the lower the points, the better the deal.

      Anyhow … After hearing Steve say this about my tongue I ran, as fast as a 632-pound man suffering from dwarfism can run, into my trailer’s bathroom to look in the mirror. (Later on I noticed I had cracked the door jams with my hips while running and didn't even feel it.) Wouldn’t you know it, when I pulled out the remaining napkins, (Along with some pickles, and stray French Fries that I promptly saved for a snack.) Would you know my luck, my tongue was missing. Obviously the main reason for me writing you is to find out if you have recently received any tongues in your Lost and Found Department? I’ll describe mine for you, just in case there is more than one tongue waiting to be claimed. It’s cute as a button; it’s pink with dark gray active cold sores. One sure sign that it’s mine will be if it still has some chili on it. There’s a tattoo of a nude George Burns right in the middle. And finally, there should be burn hole in it. (My bad … I recently put the wrong end of a cigarette into my mouth and fell asleep … AGAIN!) When you locate it, can you please pack the tongue on ice, or you could just drop it in a Frosty Dairy Dessert and ship it to me via UPS. (FEDEX SUCKS! Those morons killed my pet wombat!) If the chili is still on it, can you not scrape it off because that was damn good chili. Don’t you worry your little heads about the reattachment of my tongue, we’ve got it all worked out … Steve has a real nice stapler he’s been dying to use. Please be sure to email me when you’ve located it and I’ll give you the secret P.O. Box number I use when I’m busy stalking Clint Howard. (Ron Howard’s, not quite as cute or sexy, little brother.)

      Thanks for your help in losing this life threatening weight! Without your fat free sausage egg and cheese biscuits (which I eat 10 of daily) I’d blow up like a character balloon in the Bixty-Hollerville Piggly-Wiggly Thanksgiving day parade.

      Your future pint size lover,
      Bill “Maxi-Me†Kinkaid

      PS â€" You guys might consider adding a fruit salad to your 99-cent menu. I’ve got the perfect group to help promote it. When I think of fruit the one and only group that comes to my mind is … Nsync. Please remember to compensate me if, and when, you pursue this idea. (You can always pay me with free hamburger coupons or 50 million dollars. What ever you have on hand at the time.)

      PSS â€" Is it true that Wendy of Wendy’s fame is a prostitute in Los Angeles starting from the time she was 15 until now? Pastor Killhemall over at Our Lady of the Perpetually Shiny Belt Buckle Church says he read about it in some big city newspaper. I think he called it The National Enquirer. Since Dave is gone, you think you could possibly send me her home address and a list of her prices. (Since she lives in LA, you think she can help me find Clint Howard’s house so I can hide in his attic?)

      PSSS - It's been 3 days since I lost my tongue, shouldn't it have stopped bleeding already? Steve says the presence of green puss, debilitating pain, and hallucinations are a good sign that I’m on the mend. My mind seems to be OK, so I’ll be my momma dog face in the banana patch taco sauce.

    • The Four Seasons Reply to my letter

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      Folks ... This is the actual correspondence between "Bill Kinkaid" and 2 reps from the Four Seasons ... unbelievable


      Their First Reply to the letter:

      Dear Mr. Kinkaid,

      Thank you for your interest and for offering your services to the Four Seasons Hotel Houston. We will not be needing any of your services or forms of entertainment over the Christmas holidays or at any time during the year. If you are caught wandering through the halls of our hotel you will be arrested for trespassing. Please do not attempt to come to the hotel and check in or "entertain" under the pretenses you laid out in your e-mail.

      Catherine Moses
      Reservations Manager
      Four Seasons Hotel Houston
      1300 Lamar St., Houston, Texas 77010

      My First Reply to them:

      Dear Ms. Moses,

      Thank you for your kind letter. Since I have no desire to spend the holidays in the county lock-up, I guess I will not be patronizing your wonderful hotel. Does this letter mean I will be banned from staying at every Four Seasons Hotel throughout North America? I'd hate that, because you guys have really good crackers. I should have realized that not everyone enjoys my "In your face" type of performing. I'm so sorry if I've upset you, and even more sorry, if I've upset all of the illegally employed underpaid non-Americans on your staff. One thing is for sure ... Bill Kinkaid is a man of integrity and he will honor your wish, for him not to perform at your establishment. In closing, I can send you a business card (If you wish) with my personal info on it, just in case you or any of your dear friends would like me to perform at private parties (Preferably parties that have a buffet table.) Is your hotel named after the music group "The Four Seasons?" because I really love the way that Frankie Valli sings on that song "Big Girls Don't Cry"

      Sincerely yours,
      Bill "Lugie" Kinkaid

      PS - What's the secret to your crackers? Do they mix the cracker dough with their bare feet? That's how my mom used to do it.

      Their Second Reply to me:

      Dear Mr. Kinkaid,

      Thank you for your continued interest in the Four Seasons Houston. In
      response to your two questions addressed to Ms. Catherine Moses:

      The crackers we utilize in our Houston hotel are manufactured by
      Pepperidge Farm, a registered trademark and subsidiary of the Campbell
      Soup Company. While not knowing their precise method for the production
      of crackers, we do know they are in compliance with rules and
      regulations set by the Federal Government for such processes. If you'd
      like more information from them, including how to purchase them
      yourself, their toll-free information number is 1-800-257-8443.
      The name Four Seasons was chosen by our company founder in 1961 with the
      opening of our first hotel in Toronto, Canada. Unfortunately we are not
      aware of what provided the inspiration for the name, however since the
      musical group The Four Seasons was not widely known until the release of
      their first #1 song "Sherry" in September of 1962, it is unlikely that
      they provided any such inspiration. For additional general information
      about our company, please feel free to visit our website at
      www.fourseasons.com.

      Please do not forward any information regarding your services, as I
      respectfully reiterate that we have no interest in them. Thank you again
      for your correspondence.

      Cordially,
      Peter Melvin
      Director of Rooms
      Four Seasons Hotel Houston
      1300 Lamar St, Houston TX 77010

    • Dear Four Seasons Hotel - (Part 1)

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      This is the letter that got the replies that threaten arrest. I'll share those later

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      Dear Four Seasons Downtown Houston,

      Today is your lucky day! I will be in Houston over the Christmas Holidays, and wish to offer my special form of entertainment to you. I don't feel we need to discuss my prices yet, but please don't be shocked when I tell you that I can often command upwards of 20 dollars a day for my services. In my hometown of Bixty-Hollerville, I've played to standing room only crowds at the Elks Lodge and the VFW. Of course the reason it was standing room only was because there was a "Serial Chair-Stealing Bandit" on the loose in our fair city for the better part of 2 weeks this past summer. I was shocked when the police arrested my dearest friend in the world Steve, for committing the robberies. In hindsight I should have known it was him all along; especially since all of his new dining room chairs had a logo on them that read ... "Property of the Bixty-Hollerville Elks Lodge". The trial was a real showcase. Some of Bixty-Hollerville's upper crust came out of hiding, just to see Steve get what they thought he deserved. Mayor Charlie was there. (As usual he was banging his head with the judge's gavel.) Sadly, Mayor Charlie has never really been right in the head; and not even a crooked election could stop him from becoming our permanent mayor. Maxine Duboise even brought the twins with her. You know who the "Bixty-Hollerville Twins" are ... Don't you? They’ve appeared on the cover of the National Enquirer more times than the wedding of Princess Di and Bigfoot. The kicker was when 3-time County horseshoe champion and professed cross-dresser, Dirk Baxter showed up. That's when I knew we had a real circus on our hands. Which is ironic, considering the courthouse just happens to be located right next door to Bixty-Hollerville's longest running Freak Show Circus. I have such fond memories of that circus; it was the very first place I was ever employed. Sadly I was asked to take early retirement when the tail I was born with, finally rotted off.

      As I was saying … Steve’s trial was plum crazy, and he never really had a chance. The poor guy was convicted in less than 5 minutes and he was given the death penalty; which I find strange, considering it's not even a legal option in our state. Maybe I’m wrong, but I always thought when a person receives a death sentence that they automatically are given an appeal. Not Steve, they took promptly led him out back and electrocuted him by attaching jumper cables to his nipples, groin, and exposed back hair. The other part of the cables were hooked up to the batteries that powered Digby Jackson's fleet of five 18-wheelers. I sure miss Steve ... Do you think when I die he'll be there waiting for me? Do you think he'll know that I've been sleeping with his wife? Once you die, can someone kill you again? Should I get the 40 oddly shaped moles on my back looked at by a real doctor? Anyhow, I guess I should quit hem-hawing around and tell you what my specialty is ... I am the two-time Bixty-Hollerville Remedial High School Spitting Champion. I’ll have you know that I can spit farther than anyone in all of the Bixty-Hollerville Metroplex area. In fact, the doctors once told my mother (after losing my tongue in a freak ceiling fan accident as a child) that I would never spit again. I'm a go-getter, when someone tells me I can't do something you know what I say to them ... I say "How High?" Wait, that's not what I say. I can't lie to you. I don't remember what I say most of the time, especially since I stay drunk for the better part of the day. (At least you'll be happy to know that I no longer urinate on myself. (Thank you Depends Undergarments!))

      After losing my tongue, the doctor’s were able to graft a cow's tongue onto the tongue stump that was still in my mouth. My only complaint is that I wish I could manage to get that 15-inch tongue all the way in my mouth because I haven't completely closed my mouth in over 20 years. I wouldn’t go back and change any of it though, because something magical happened once they took the bandages off. For some bizarre reason known only to the village idiot (But he wouldn’t tell me) I was able to spit a whole 4 feet. I mean think about that ... That's 48 inches! THAT’S RIGHT, YOU READ IT RIGHT 48 INCHES! This happens to be almost 2 inches further than my total height. When I finally got old enough to respect and harness my awesome spitting power, and not use it for evil, I suddenly became a celebrity over night. I traveled the county visiting numerous schools. I spent valuable time showing the students of those schools that if they tried hard, someday they too could be a famous distance spitting, cow-tongued, monkey-tailed, 723-pound, 3 foot 10 inch, champion like me. Most of the kids cried when I told them this. I'm sure they were only crying because I helped them realize that they too could share in the dream.

      (Continued)

    • Dear Four Seasons Hotel - (Part 2)

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      (Continued)

      What I am proposing in this letter is that you let me come to your establishment and wander through the halls of your hotel performing spontaneously. (Without billing me on the marquee out front of course. Because I’ll want to sneak up on your guests and surprise each and every one of them with their very own, and very surprising, spit show.) Once I see your guests coming out of their hotel room I’ll go running up to them while screaming bloody murder just to make sure that I catch their attention. I will then put on a display of my skills by spitting the numerous liquids I may be carrying as they watch in utter amazement. Sometimes its ketchup; sometimes its hot coffee; heck, sometimes its even good old fashioned pocket lint. Make no mistake, your customers will be impressed, I can assure you of this. If you are worried about me making any large mess or leaving any massive stains, then don’t be. I’ll have you know that I have an easy solution for cleaning up the ketchup, coffee, urine, and canned cheese, off of the permanently stained carpet. We can just leave it for the house-keeping department. If you’d like, I can talk to the staff and scare them into thinking you’re going to have them deported.

      Please note that I will be arriving at your Downtown Houston location on December 23rd, and I’ll be prepared to start performing immediately. If you’d like, I can start in the men’s room if you like. This will allow for a more intimate performance since I can just kick the stall doors in and start spitting. I’ll be the consummate professional in trying not to get any of the liquids directly on the hotel customer’s faces. (Thankfully, this only happens approximately 68.2% of the time.) I’m so excited I’ve almost wet myself 5 times while writing this letter. In fact, I’d be there tomorrow morning if my driving while intoxicated trial wasn’t slated to begin December 2nd (I just hope they don't give me the death penalty too! Cross your fingers.) Please email me with the information I will need for checking in to my 12 free rooms while I’m there. I do require that you provide me with a staff of 7 security guards during my 45 night stay? I will need them to keep my rabid fans at bay. I look forward to arriving in my 1971 Ford Pinto Hatchback that is decorated to look just like a big moist pink tongue with spit dripping off of it. I must be allowed to keep it parked by the front entrance up on the sidewalk almost blocking the front doors. This will let your fine patrons know that something kooky and special will going on during their stay. (FYI: Since your hotel is considered one of the finer establishments in downtown Houston; I will make it a point to wear underwear and pants during at least 55 percent of my stay.)

      Thank you for hiring me and for providing me with all of those free rooms, and all of that free food, for my 20 guests. Did I forget to mention that I typically pick up 20 hobos in every town I visit and let them stay with me for the entire 45 day engagement? I look at it like this … This is my way of giving something back to the little people. Remember ... Just like the spit stains I mentioned earlier; if you’re worried about the mess the hobos will make, I’d have absolutely no problem with scaring the holy crap out of your house-keeping staff.

      Sincerely yours and completely yours
      Bill "Lugie" Kinkaid

      PS â€" I was wondering if you happen to share my opinion that the music group Nsync doesn’t spit.

      PSS â€" I’m bringing my 4 Great Danes? If this sounds way too messy just give me 10 more minutes alone with the staff and I’ll have it all taken care of.

    • Quick Note

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      Hey All,

      Obviously, I can be selective about which letters I choose to post; personally I think the latest ones I've written are the better ones. I guess that's because after so much time, I'm used to the characters, so it's easier to write. I'm going to post the old ones too; but I'll probably let you guys know when it is an older one, just in case it doesn't seem as funny or twisted (That way I can use a cop-out like ... "Man! I was 4 years old when I wrote that one! LOL). I also want to post the few replies I've gotten, especially the correspondence with the manager from "The Four Seasons Hotel" in downtown Houston, TX who threatened to have Bill Kinkaid arrested if he showed up at their establishment per his letter. Trust me on this ... You won't believe it after you read it.

      I'm just really glad that the letters will be accepted over here at Rooster Teeth, because I love writing these things.

      Thanks!
      Tex

    • Dear Diet Coke - (Part 1)

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      Truthfully, I never won during this promotion, so I decided to contact the fine folks over at Coke ... Specifically, Mister Diet Coke himself

      ----------

      Dear Mr. Diet Coke,

      My name is Bill Kinkaid and I have a few reasons for writing you this letter today. First and foremost let me congratulate you on your absolutely mesmerizing use of Potassium Benzoate to protect the taste of my Diet Cokes. Of all of the Potassiums, I’d have to say my favorite has always been Benzoate, and if you are anything like me then you’d also hate to imagine a Potassium Benzoate free world where absolutely nothing tasted fresh. I’ve been meaning to write you for a very long time; but due to the provisions set forth in my plea agreement, I was barred from making personal contact with all major corporations for a period of time no less than 3 calendar years; and a period not to exceed 5 calendar years including any Leap Years that may occur during the probationary time frame. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been told this, but you have the most interesting name I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing … “Diet Coke†... It just rolls right off the tongue when you say it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have to say that it sounds almost as if it were thought up by some “money-hungry cubicle-hugging corporate-marketing yes-manâ€Â. But alas, you and I know that is not the case. So tell me Mr. Coke … Would that be a Hungarian or Austrian name? Which ever it is, I promise you this today in front of GOD and all of my Hairless Egyptian Mole Rats; if I ever have anymore illegitimate children, you can bet I will name the first one Diet Kinkaid. I will do this in honor of your very wise, and almost assuredly grotesque, Hungarian or Austrian mother and father.

      Another reason for my letter is to inquire about your most recent Diet Coke promotional stunt. (That I believe ended on April 30, 2005 … But I could be wrong. Almost like I was wrong about that harmless pet snake I gave to my quadriplegic Uncle Jebediah Kinkaid on his 60th birthday that turned out not to be so harmless. I guess I should have been able to tell the difference between a simple grass snake and a 12 foot long King Cobra. One things for sure, I sure miss my Uncle. (Quick question: Do you believe there’s a Heaven? If the answer is “YES†then do you think my Uncle might be waiting, hiding behind a secluded cloud, in hopes of killing me AGAIN once I finally get there? Man that would suck!)) But I must digress (even though I have absolutely no idea what “DIGRESS†means) … As I was saying … The promotional stunt I’m referring to is the one where all of the Diet Cokes had green tops and it said on the bottle that “1 in 12 WINS!!! a Free Diet Cokeâ€Â. Well I know this world is unfair sometimes, and some of us rarely win, but according to your odds, I should have won numerous Diet Cokes over the life of the promotion. I figure that between the 89 days starting February 1, 2005 and ending April 30, 2005, I must have consumed somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,136 Diet Cokes. Not one single time during those three months did I ever win a free soda. I mean, I’ve statistically got to be the most unlucky guy on the face of this Earth.

      Although I have shown a few flashes of luck throughout my very short life, I wouldn’t actually call it good luck. Following are 2 good examples:

      Number 1: Like the time our church leader Pastor Kilhemall over at “Our Lady of the Perpetually Shiny Belt Buckle†announced to the youth group that in no way can you catch Malaria in the United States. This hysteria was started after all of us got scared after watching a video discussing the Malaria Virus that was contracted by many Christian missionaries who’d gone to the Congo back in the 1950’s. Well I guess I proved Pastor Kilhemall wrong, and against 1 in 4,003,756,998 odds, I came down with the worst case of Malaria ever recorded in the history of all mankind. In fact, one scientist who studied my case said that even if a fictional race of beings he liked to call the Zorgonites (Who live on the magical make believe planet of Ion-Purple 9.) could contract some sort of mutant space Malaria; my case would still dwarf theirs by comparison.

      Number 2: I bet you’ve also heard of jaywalking; but probably feel like the rest of the world and think it’s not a punishable offense. A high ranking government official decided an example of bad pedestrian behavior needed to be made out of someone, and that someone unfortunately, was me. On a cool November morning, during an undercover Jaywalking sting operation, the Feds caught me fatefully crossing against the light on a deserted city street. The courts were swift and the jury was out for a total of 3 minutes and 22 seconds. The panel of 12 jurors returned a unanimous verdict of guilty by reason of stupidity. I was sentenced to 8 years of hard labor in a Florida Federal Penitentiary for Felony Habitual Jaywalking in the 2nd Degree barely escaping the death penalty. Ten minutes after I was tried and convicted Congress changed the national laws governing jaywalking so that it doesn’t ever warrant a ticket again. Sadly, the change was not retroactive so I had to serve every single minute of my sentence. (Quick question: Do you suppose my right eyeball will ever grow back?)

      Continued in Part2

    • Dear Diet Coke - (Part 2)

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      (Continued)

      Bad and good luck aside; if my math is correct then I figure you owe me somewhere in the area of 127,235 free Diet Cokes to repay me for not getting my rightful 1 out of every 12 free. Wait let me double check that figure. Let’s see … 2,136 (Diet Cokes) divided by 12 (for every twelfth Diet Coke) = 127,235 FREE Diet Cokes … Yep! ... My math seems to be correct. (And they told me a 3rd grade education wouldn’t get me very far. Well who’s laughing now?) Don’t worry Mr. Coke; I don’t expect you to send the 127,235 free Diet Cokes all at once, I know that would be a strain on your production. I want you to know that I’d have no problem with you delivering 1 Diet Coke every single day for 127,235 consecutive days to my 2-story single wide trailer in Bixty-Hollerville. That way I can enjoy my Diet Coke for the next 348 years. (FYI: I’m hoping my plan (which I started last week) to drink one bottle of Oil of Olay daily will allow me to easily reach 400 to 500 years of age. The only problem is that they need to give that Oil of Olay a slightly better flavor than the current one they have, or no one is going to want to drink it. Wish me luck in my endeavor!!!)

      Please be aware that if I’m not home for my daily Diet Coke delivery … !!!DO NOT LEAVE THE DIET COKE WITH MY NEIGHBOR STEVE!!! Just simply break out one of my remaining trailer windows and throw it onto my living room next to the ever growing pile of used celebrity toilet paper. It’s not that I don’t trust Steve; it’s just that he’s a lying, two-faced, back-stabbing criminal who happens to be my bestus buddy in the whole wide world. I really mean it literally when I say Steve is “two-facedâ€Â. Sadly, Steve and his younger brother were struck by lightning 22 years ago, when they thought it might be a good idea to steal lightning rods during a severe thunder storm. The lightning strike mysteriously fused both of their heads together. Doctors tried desperately to save Steve’s little brother; but alas, he didn’t make it. In honor of his deceased brother, Steve never allowed the doctors to remove his brothers shriveled up remains (That resemble a large human shaped prune if it was stuck on your face.) that have, until this very day, been dangling from the side of Steve’s bulbous forehead. Sure it looks a little strange, but Steve is just your every day, run-of-the-mill, average guy, with a dead brother attached to his face. If I had a dollar for every time that’s happened in Bixty-Hollerville, I’d have almost 3 dollars by now.

      In closing, let me thank you for correcting this “1-in-12 WINS!!! a Free Diet Coke†fiasco. During my 89 day 2,136 Diet Coke binge drinking quest for free sodas I may have done a few things I’m not too proud of. For instance … Was it wrong to drink someone else’s Diet Coke? Especially if that Diet Coke happens to be locked up? And by locked up I mean in a vending machine. Was it also wrong to open said vending machine with a crow bar and frame a local priest for the break-in? Well if it was, it’s a little too late to stop his execution now, and I’ll just refrain from breaking into any soda machines in the near future. (However … All bets are off, if you should start running some kind of new contest that features a “Free Waffle Ironâ€Â.)

      Please email me ASAP at <insert email> to let me know when my first soda will be arriving via UPS (FYI: FedEx sucks!). I will not get up from my computer to bathe, eat, sleep, or pick up lone hitchhikers, just to see what they look like on the inside, until I hear back from you.

      Your soul mate,
      Bill “Pepsi-Man†Kinkaid

      PS â€" You may want to ship a couple of cases of your Diet Coke over to Joey Fatone of the music group Nsync. He’s that heavy set band member who seems to be getting even bigger by the minute. Is it just me, or am I the only one who realizes his last name spells “FAT ONE†but it’s pronounced Fa-Tone. I just cut out all the BS and call him Fa-Tass

    • Bill Kinkaid Letter-Tom Cruise (Part 1)

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      BE SURE TO READ MY FIRST JOURNAL ENTRY TITLED "THE HISTORY OF BILL KINKAID" BEFORE READING THIS

      This is a letter I wrote to Tom a few months ago after he showed his idiocy to the world. Surprisingly, I never heard back from him

      Part 1 of the Tom Cruise letter (split due to size)

      ----------

      Dear Mr. Tom Cruise,

      Allow me to introduce myself … My name is Bill Kinkaid and I’m a chocoholic. You’ll never know the true grief and guilt I’ve felt while wandering the city streets at 3:00 AM looking to score a carton of Mr. Goodbars; or even a baggie full of illegally imported Sven’s Norwegian Chocolate Covered Fish Heads. I’ve been clean for almost 30 days now; and you have no idea how good it feels. It’s amazing that after 30 days I no longer think about or crave that sweet, tongue-melting, deliciously-brown, send-shivers-up-and-down-your-spine, life-changing, dog-killing, creamy concoction known as chocolate. I want you to know that it was your appearance on The Today Show that led the way for me getting completely clean and for me finally giving myself over 100 percent to the teachings of Scientology. (I had only been committing myself to being 98.6 percent involved prior to me getting the chunky monkey off my back.) Until I heard it from the lips of a famous movie star who has read 2 or 3 books, I had no idea that addiction, and the use of prescribed medications was such a sin. You know … I have you to thank for showing me and the rest of the world that all we really needed was a large dose of inner guilt, and a huge helping of “I’m better and smarter than you areâ€Â.

      Honestly, even before The Today Show interview, I had been meaning to write you for a very long time, but the time had never been right due to my never-ending battle to prevent the horrors of tooth decay. Tartar Control Toothpaste and Fluoride aside; I didn’t want to make contact with you until my ultra double secret project was nearing completion. Being a fellow Scientologist (although only practicing at the “Pre-Today-Show-Appearance†percentage of 98.6%) and an expert on L. Ron Hubbard (FYI: Not many people know that the “L†stands for Linda.) I could easily see that the world we live in is full of turmoil. For instance … Can you believe that in this day and time people are STILL getting kidney and heart transplants? Especially since Page 239 of “Dianetics†clearly details how to cure any ailment of these organs with only a baked potato and a heavy dose of positive thinking. I think you’ll agree, based on your incoherent ramblings on The Today Show (FYI: Linda Ron used to say that incoherency is the path to enlightenment (In fact it’s on Page 169)) that the world is ripe for finally understanding what Scientology is all about, and what it has to offer those of us with really large expendable incomes.

      You’ll be happy to know, that after viewing your appearance on The Today Show almost 723 times, I finally understand exactly what you were secretly telling all of us fellow Scientologists to do; and you’ll be happy to know I’ve acted quickly on your veiled request. Here’s the proof: My 72 year old mother recently had a full heart/lung/nose hair transplant and has been relying heavily on 19 different medications taken daily to stop her body from rejecting the transplants. Going on your advice that we shouldn’t take any medications what-so-ever; I’ve unbeknownst to her, replaced all of her organ saving medications with numerous different colored pieces of Chic-Lets chewing gum. FYI: I’m hoping the projectile nose bleeding and spastic tooth loss she is currently experiencing are just healthy signs that Scientology is in the process of flushing the impurities out of her system, and the healing is starting to occur. After she’s cured, I can’t wait to tell everyone that Tom Cruise himself is solely responsible for putting my mom on the path to a medication-free recovery; and it was made possible by his sheer determination to make sure we all followed everything listed on page 363.

      According to your interview on The Today Show, there appears to be a lot of lost people in this country who are foolishly listening to medical advice from people with 8 to 12 year degrees and at the same time looking for some kind of moral compass to guide them; and since neither one of us owns one of those ultra-cool Moral Compasses (with the detachable laser) that they just started selling at Hammacher-Schlemmer for $1,429.99. I figured the time was ripe for me to reveal to you, and to your pet Taiwanese Mountain Goats, my plan to take Scientology to the next level. My idea is this … We need to give the American people what they’ve really been wanting, craving, and so desperately needing for the last 229 years … That’s right!!! … You guessed it!!! … A team of Scientologist Cartoon Super Heroes called … THE DIANETICATORS!!! I’ll have you know that I’ve been really busy drawing the story boards using only a Big Chief writing tablet, a box of Tampax Supers, and an 8 pack of Gibson’s Color Crayon Sticks. (Unfortunately … I had to settle for a cheaply made generic brand of Crayons. Can you believe that Crayola charges almost $0.94 for their product? They must think we all go to the bathroom on golden toilets and wipe ourselves with spare 50 dollar bills like you do.)

      (See: Bill Kinkaid Letter-Tom Cruise (Part 2) for continuation)

      .

    • Bill Kinkaid Letter-Tom Cruise (Part 2)

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      Part 2 of the Tom Cruise letter (split due to size)

      ----------

      The concept for this animated series came to me one night when I knocked out my best friend Steve and stole the idea from him by erasing his name at the top of the drawing and replacing it with mine. Paragraph 4 on Page 313 states … “If your neighbor has something you want … Take it by deadly force if necessary.†Don’t worry about Steve trying to wrangle a piece of the DIANETICATORS pie away from us when me and you get this project green lighted; because that blow to his forehead left him wandering aimlessly 24 hours daily through our fair town of Bixty-Hollerville. Most of the time you can spot Steve carrying a clay ACME house brick (with a face painted on it) around with him everywhere he goes. Some days, if you get close enough to him in the park, you’ll even hear him introducing his brick to every squirrel he meets … as his mother “Mrs. Stoney McStoneyton. I realize the original idea may have come from my now-slobbering friend Steve, but I’m the one who took almost 45 minutes to flesh out all of the characters. For instance … All 4 of the DIANETICATORS are employed as gullible actors by day; but at night they are busy fighting ignorance of various medical cures and procedures with the use of a magic gun they call the Scientoligizer. The four main characters and there secret identities are Thomas McGuire as Travoltan, Maverick Cruise as Captain Righteous, Ethan Veracruz as Cruise Missle McGee, and Tommy Lestat as Sir Noah-lot.

      I’m really excited about the possibilities this animated series could create. I don’t know about you, but I see the very first episode as an attempt by the DIANETICATORS team to shrink themselves to the size of a standard Pro-Zac pill and infiltrate the evil Brooke Shields medicine cabinet. After making it into the cabinet the crew uses the Scientoligizer to convert her dangerous mind saving prescription medications into One-A-Day Multi-vitamins (Now loaded with extra Lycopene). From the beginning of the mission the team will be transmitting low frequency good thoughts into her head via the Hubbard-Com to cure her of the fake depression. We’ve got a real winner on our hands, but things don’t have to stop with the series. Can’t you just imagine a whole line of DIANETICATOR toys, lunch kits, and enemas with their hot-pink and baby-blue costumed images plastered all over them? It’s limitless I tell ya’ … Absolutely Limitless!!!

      Please contact me at billkinkaid@billkinkaid.com with directions to your home, and I'll leave right away in my yellow 1971 refurbished Pinto hatchback. Please be sure to have 3 butlers ready to care for me when I arrive. I’ll be staying a few months, so don’t take anymore acting gigs for a while. Is it possible to have your room while I’m living there? I know you’ll want me to feel at home, but I won’t feel very welcome if you put me in a room that is normally called “The GUEST Roomâ€Â. (Linda Ron states pretty clearly on Page 99 that a guest in your home should get the full use of the Master Suite.) Please email me ASAP, because I will not change my underwear until I hear back from you.

      DIANETICATORS POWER ACTIVATE!!!!!
      Bill “Show me the money†Kinkaid

      PS â€" Is it true that Lance Bass, of the famous musical group Nsync, is a Scientologist? I’m starting to think it’s just a rumor because I haven’t seen him attend a single weekly Scientology meeting on Trigle 4 in the Nebulan Galaxy of Sector X. Can you find out for me?

    • The History of Bill Kinkaid

      13 years ago

      TexCube

      PLEASE READ THIS FIRST

      For the last 4 years (Since the GameCube and XBOX launch in November 2001) I've been posting at the Amazon boards. Many of those members have migrated here for various reasons; but the main one would have to be Amazon's inability to upgrade their software. In the last month or two we've all gotten invites to come over to the RT boards. One reason I've been hesitant is because of the "Bill Kinkaid Letters". What are the Bill Kinkaid Letters ... you ask? Well, about 5 or 6 years ago I read a book called "Letters from a Nut" by Ted L. Nancy (Who might be Jerry Seinfeld) and it was one of the funniest books I've ever read. The concept was simple. The book contained nothing but fake letters sent to companies around the country, along with the actual reply from each company. These were real letters and real replies. Most of the letters were, but they were a little twisted. What made it funny was that these companies treated the letters like they were real and spent the time formulating a response to some of the strange requests.

      Little did I know, my simple attempt to build on what he was doing, would create a whole new type of letter that I'm still doing today. Let me be very clear ... My letters are not rip-offs of "Letters from a Nut". They are an expansion of the basic idea. Plus, my letters are about 10 times crazier, and about 20 times longer than his. I write these fake letters knowing they are so insane that they'll never get replied to, that's what makes them fun to read. (Although on reply threatened Bill's arrest if he showed up at their hotel per his letter) The main difference between "Letters from a Nut" and my letters is that he writes his and mails them; I use the internet for mine. But the most important thing to know is that mine are funnier (bizarre sometimes, but definitely funnier). The Bill Kinkaid Letters have taken on a life of their own over the last 4 years, and in the process they have created a fictional town and cast of characters that many of the old Amazon Board members know very well. If you asked them who Steve is, they'd probably know you were talking about Bill's best friend and sidekick who appears in every letter. If you asked them about Bixty-Hollerville (Bill's fictional home town) they'd probably laugh and shake their head. If you bring up Nsync (a band I don't care for) they'd immediately think of Bill Kinkaid's unhealthy fascination with the Crap-Tastic band that ends every single letter. How about Pastor Kilhemall from "Our Lady of the Perpetually Shiny Belt Buckle Church", Mayor Steve, or Bill's two story single wide trailer? They are all recurring characters and things in the train wreck that is Bill Kinkaid's life.

      Some of you may not like these letters, but I think most of you will. I just hope you give them a chance, and find yourself laughing out loud without realizing it. After 4 years of living at Amazon ... Bill's ready to make the move over here to RT and test the waters of a much larger and more active board.

      Thanks!
      TexCube

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