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from Cambridge uk

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    • Back to my normal rhythm

      4 years ago


      So I fucked up, I hit rock bottom at valentines day and attempted terrible things. I spent 2 weeks abusing whatever substances I could get my hands on. But I made it through guys, I found myself at the bottom of the ocean with sharks circling me. I was ready to just except fate and let my lungs fill with water and be torn the shreds but for some reason I didn't. As a shark came for my throat I grabbed it and kicked it's fucking teeth in. I let out all the pet up emotion I had from what'd happened and beat the shit out of all of the shark until there was nothing left but a mist of blood. I Kicked off the bottom and took my first breath for a long time. I cried, I scream, I broke old friendships and I've made new ones. I'm going through an amazing transformation at the moment and I'm not letting anyone get in my way. I have this will about me now I never really noticed before and I'm going to ride it until either it or I die from exhaustion. I'm no longer afraid of people, admittedly I'm wary of women still, and I can talk to people however I want. I already felt my lungs begin to fill, what could someone possibly say or do that is worse? What event in life could be so bad that I don't feel ? Nothing is ever unfixable except death and if you die it doesn't mean that anything changed but your perception of things. I am soil, air, water and few random events put together. So why worry about rent? why worry about food? why worry about the shark that's swimming around me? She can swim around me all she likes but until she comes for my throat there is nothing I can do. And when she does I will do that same again, I won't back down any more. I will survive but for me, no one else. So I can change myself and make the world a better place. I've got this.

      Thanks for reading whomever did. Just a little update on university, I failed a module last year and I'm having to retake it from May 25 until the end of July. Although on the bright side I did my practice dissertation for my final year and got a first (78%) which is pretty fucking awesome! I only ever got one A before and this is the second on my practice for what'll be my final project. I'm lost >50lbs since winter holidays but sadly can't afford the gym so the road is my new tread mill. A cheap punching bag is my new barbell and four two litre bottles of water and a belt to hold it together are my new dumbbells.
      I've found a new(ish) band called fei comodo, they're on spotify, and I got to meet the lead singer through a friend at his studio. It's official I have a man crush. Here's a music video of my favourite song at the moment ( My friend got the lead singer to come in, his name is Mark Halls, for a module so he could make a music video and he fucking killed it right in front of me. I had chills and wanted to cry, the song he sang isn't out yet and I'm not even sure if I can say the name but I love it already. The song is so good I have to ask my friend, Greg, if I can borrow his mac just so I can listen to it over and over again as if he sends it to me he'd be in a lot of shit. Enough of fan boyism smiley4.gif I'll move on to the lady situation.
      So I've met a lovely girl but I'm totally fucking confused. One night she just seems cool with me like we're friends but on a moments notice she will say something that makes me think she's interested. I did ask her out to see a movie but it's not for a month, special fright night thing at the local cinema, and she said yes. We connect over film and she makes me laugh all the time. It's different then before. I feel looking back I was laughing at SheWhoWon'tBeNamed(swwbn) where as here we laugh together. She makes a joke and we both laugh rather then at each other. Although of course with my lack of charisma I inevitably end up with egg on my face but I'm fine with that. As ray said "If I can't laugh at myself I can't laugh at anyone else" and going by that has made me so much more relaxed. I really don't have trouble sleeping any more because I just give zero fucks(Sorry! back to the female situation). We also connect through gaming, we play every other night on gta 5 or evolve at the moment and we make a good team. She's more of the silent type when it comes to gaming e.g. if she gets caught in a man eating plant she won't scream "ERRMERRGERD! HERP MIIII" she'll say "Ugh EnglishRage?" and I already know what she means. Although it's normally me who gets muffed up in game, she is so much better then me. Maybe that's why I find her attractive. After being with swwbn who was so depressing and needed constant reinsurance for 6 years not having to do that is so refreshing. She hasn't really opened up to me yet but it's still new and to be honest going slow for me is good. I'm young, single and a totally moron for thinking 21 was a good age to get married at. I've put my hands up to it and excepted I was fucking stupid but love is a drug. I was so fucking addicted it was unbelievable but I'm clean now. I hit reset and I'm here now nearly 6 weeks sober from everything but fizzy drinks.
      On the subject of substances I have been tempted before, I had a bad day a week ago where I was stressing over work and just wanted to stop feeling. I'm a rum drinking because vodka makes me fighty, like I have fought my dad before fighty (I'm really ashamed of that but I've excepted my mistakes) but I didn't poor myself one I just sat staring at the bottle for about 20 mins. That sepia tone and the rough spices I could smell made the hairs on my neck stand on end. I almost cracked but I just looked and smelt. She won't take me again, I won't tie rocks to my feet. So I just sat with some music on and thought. A little bit of meditation I guess you'd say and had a look at /r/getmotivated. I felt better and put it back in the fridge. So the word count is near, peace guys, be strong and never back down. If life gives you lemons grab her by the collar and head butt that cunt. Loves xxx smiley12.gif

    • 1 week what what?!?

      4 years ago


      So it feels like more then a week to me but I'm back again with another journal. So I'm trying to movie on with my life, started counselling and feeling a lot better. I've basically cut her out of my life now as she's just messing me around. She thinks it's okay to bring the guy who she cheated on me with to my house. She must be stupid thinking I'd be alright with that. I don't know maybe she was just trying to piss me off.

      Enough about her what about me? I'm still realllly lonely, Like super fucking lonely. It's really weird to have so much spare time and no one to share it with. I've been hanging out with my friends a bit more but its not the same. Need a buddy to hang out with like 24/7 just wish I could find someone awesome to just be open with. Will you be Matt stone to my Trey parker? Will you be Kyle Gass to my Jack black? Gender optional.

      So I'm super fricking lonely and want to meet people! Shyness can go fuck itself. If anyone in a cambridge area (more newmarket) want to hang out, play games, watch movies and TV I'm free.

      Peace Peeps xx

    • 3 months later...

      4 years ago


      Flaming hell, sorry for being so mad in my last journal but I'm pretty sure it was the day of being told my Ex had cheated on me. I really didn't have anywhere to vent and I don't still now. But I'm getting over it. She moved out, unsurprisingly. I'm still in love with her but after what's happened I can't just listen to my heart, I need to move on. I really know now why sad people listen to so much music, for people like me who can't articulate how we feel a lot of the time it's a way of saying to myself and others how I feel.

      So moving on. I'm back at uni and trying to continue on my adventure into the world of Animation/game/media and figure out what I want to do. Probably not great at 22 but meh, can't change it like that, sadly.

      Ain't a lot else to say atm but peace guys, feel free to PM my or something if anyone want to chat, vent or whatever. smiley12.gif

    • *rage post* Fuck Fucking Fuck

      5 years ago


      She fucking cheated on me. After 6 fucking years of her psycho bullshit SHE fucking cheats on me!

      Apparently I didn't make her feel special any more, Because we never did anything just us. WELL HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE THE FUCKING DAY OFF TO GO TO LONDON WITH ME YOU CUNT!



      I love you but I don't know If I want to be with you. WELL IT'S PRETTY FUCKING CLEAR TO ME, FUCK OFF YOU CUNT.

      *And Breath*

      So Now I have to have an STI test. I'm now jobless and single. I don't know if I should kill myself or just move on. I mean I wouldn't mind being single really. More money for me. I don't know. I Honestly hope the worst for her. She led me on for 2 months after fucking that piece of shit Just after my birthday. Which btw She didn't get me anything. Fucking Cunt.

      P.S. This is a rage post and I'm sorry If I offended anyone. Other then Her and that sack of crap. Hopefully you will understand.

    • Games

      5 years ago


      So I suppose this one should be called Indie huh?

      I have a million ideas for games but I have a feeling that they are all ideas that I hope people will like you know? Like I hope people like this ?

      My big two at the moment are iT and untitled.

      iT is about a science company that has made a AI controlled metal liquid biped. Sort of like the T1000 in terminator but without the shape shifting but can kind of stylize itself like give itself a Mohawk or a goo gun. I'm calling these guys Goo's btw, they are made of some liquid metal that looks like oil and is all slimy and slightly sticky. Not very nice stuff but they're made of if and they don't mind.
      The Idea of the game at the moment is kind of a plat former like super meat boy or sonic. I want the goal to be get to the end of the stage ASAP! GO GO GO! So there is a lot of simple levels but with some simple mechanics thrown in to slow the player down. Some timed lasers, fans that act as giant saws & affect speed and security cameras.

      untitled is a lot deeper and gonna be a lonnnnnnnnng draw as it comes to making. I might keep the idea in the back for now but It's a work in progress. The idea is to make a new portal but I though what haven't they used in portal? Gravity. Not just falling but less and more gravity throwing you around and using that to get to places. But moving on from that what about the ability to move faster? so in theory less gravity? and then the other way being slower but giving the player the ability to move obstacles. It'd be interesting to see a result but it's just ideas at the moment so cold your jets hot shot.

      The final one I've got at the moment is just for me at the moment. You may see it eventually and I hope you do. I'd like that. Bannapus will be involved ;)

      If anyone is reading this and is into game design and has some serious experience I'd love to hear what you have to say about which code to look at doing them in and where to start would be great!

      Cheers guys


    • 23/06/14 Indie

      5 years ago


      Sup! Thought I'd drop by and did a little blogy journal.

      So how is life going? Well actually, It's been about a month and an half since uni ended and I'm no where near as insane as I was last year. Which is nice... I've been rather active, mentally not physically - I'm still fat, and written a bunch of ideas down for games.

      After my first year, none foundation, I've become so much more aware of the fact that I'm creative and that I want to make stuff and that the first year of uni has shown me that I can make stuff with code. My biggest foe at the moment is my shyness. I want to ask my friend if he'd like to do a bit of a game jam and try and make a game together in a few months. Nothing amazing, just a simple side scowler and out it out there. Start that portfolio and start making a name for myself. Flash and Java seem to be the way forward but with my little knowledge of c# and html I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. hopefully we'll be looking at coding some more next year at uni.

      *checks what modules I'll have next year*

      And I'm back. Okay so a lot of freaking coding! php, java and few more that I don't care to mention. I'm really worried about learning them though... It'll be fine, I got my first A this year. My first ever A, I'm so proud =) If I haven't mentioned before I got C's in all my GCSEs and has to do a Btec instead of A levels so this is kind of a big deal to me. I'm not a academic kinda guy. For more detail I'll put my module outline below (for the code modules)

      So making games I think I'll make another journal about that. I've got a few ideas and If anyone steals them then well... Please don't they aren't just "game Ideas" these guys, or most, are part of me. So fears and some ways I think and my ways of coping with life.

      On another note I'd like to make a site for myself as a blog/ protfolio. Maybe I should do that over summer. That'd be good and productive.

      Cheers guys I hope you guys have a nice time!



      Web Programming:
      - Latest version of HTML and CSS
      - Web server support for scripting languages.
      - Server side scripting.
      - Client side scripting.
      - Database design and developing Database queries using SQL.
      - Software testing and debugging

      Internet Application:
      -Templating systems.
      -The three tier and Model View Controller models and web based applications.
      -Web Development frameworks -PHP based and others.
      -Comparison of browser based and desktop based applications.
      -Adobe Air & Microsoft Silverlight.
      -Development for mobile devices.
      -Web server support for scripting languages.
      -Developing non-browser based applications.
      -Design for Accessibility & Internationalisation.
      -Usability design and testing.
      -Search engine optimisation for applications.
      -Software testing and debugging.
      -Use of development tools -the Eclipse IDE and Firebug.

    • 6 Months Later

      5 years ago


      Well its 6 months since my last post, oops lol

      So I've grown a beard, I'm back at university and I have bought my PC =D

      My beard
      Well I've been growing since September. I'm not really looking to get anything from this but the awesomeness that is owning a beard. Sadly my beard is mostly neck. I have got a nice thick beard but it could do with filling out toward my mouth and jaw line. It's coming though. I can see the small white hairs pushing themselves out =P

      I Love uni But... Tim is driving me nuts, I don't know if I've mentioned him before, he's my lecture for multi media hardware and design for the internet. You can try to ask him a question but he answers like a politician always moving away from the point. Even our freaking course leader mentioned he has an odd way of teaching! damn he's annoying though. I hope I don't have him again. Other then that uni is awesome and I can't wait to get into 3D modelling and design. I will be the next Monty Oum =P At the very least video producer extraordinaire =)

      And My PC
      God damn pc games look better. But I really don't care that much. If I can get 8 years outta my PC I'll be happy. I'm not to much of PC guys so I'll try to note the details below but please be gentle...

      GPU: GeForce GTX 760
      CPU: Intel(R) Core(TM) i5-4670k CPU @ 3.40GHZ
      RAM: 8GB
      OS: Windows 7
      And All on my 32" Samsung TV, ACBF Looks awesome but damn is it buggy on PC.

      Any Whoo Nice to talk =)

      Anyone want to do a Let's play let me know I've got a capture device and would love to get into doing that! Although I'll have you know, as the name suggests I'm a bit of rage quiter =P

      Peace CYA! smiley9.gif

    • over a month =O

      6 years ago


      WOW has it really been a month? Time's flying by me! Well I want to WSM and Scotland (10/10 for both will do again) n all I've done is soicalize (sp?) and fun out my timetable for next year! A lot of programming for a media course but whatever.

      This was awesome, I finally saw Terry Hollands in person! he's HUGE!!! he's a great chap too. He shook my hand and we had a pic together. No hoover hand. If you know what I mean. I meet others too like fennelly and thor! but missed out of ed, mark and the liths... Shame but over all great. some queuing issues but worked out in the end =)

      Go to Scotland. You been yet? Good okay so Scotland is awesome! Just walking around it felt fantastic! everyone was nice and i didn't feel like I was gonna get stabbed! did the castle, mary kings close and the dungeon bwhahaha. It was pretty cool, the food was good to and the hotel was great. South gyle premier inn.

      Since I've been back my social life's flipped upside down. I proposed, she said yes. I've made more friends and I hang out more. I don't smoke as much but I don't workout as much. I wanna get back into working out but I'm so shy... going to the gym with all those D bags that look at you like you don't deserve to step inside let alone use the equipment. ANY WHO I haven't done any animation because I've been reading up on coding, C, C++,C# so yeah...

      Okay so that's about all I wanna talk about so be back soon. hugs see ya sooooon!!!!

    • Worlds strongest man

      6 years ago


      Hey, so aside from being a nerd I also love world strongest man. It's great, or at least I think so.

      I've only been following for about a year now properly but before that it was more watch it when I can. Thankfully due to the increase of online catch up sites like 5od (which it's on, legally I should add) I can watch whenever I'm free! not bad but I wanted more. So I booked tickets to see the giants live tour in leeds, england. I'm So excited about it. I have always sort of been into it but now I get to go and see the best from the UK fight it out to qualify for the world strongest man. Pretty sure only the winner or maybe 1st & 2nd go through. That doesn't really matter, what matters is the 3 & a half hour drive to leeds for just me. Then I opened my big mouth and said "edinburgh's not far from leeds, we should go while we're up there". So no here's my long weekend holiday.

      Friday- Go to leeds and get settled
      Saturday- world's strongest man, giants live tour.
      sunday- drive to leeds and settle.
      monday- have fun at edinburgh zoo and head home about 3-5pm
      tuesday - recover from driving. celebrate GF's dad's birthday.

      Just so you know I'm english and driving more than 30 mins is deemed a long drive so 7 hours to home is gonna be hell of a drive. I'm not too bothered really, I'm longest drive was 1 hour and 40 mins before and that was a piece of cake.

      Anyway I'm really excited about the event. I'd love to workout all day and become england's next be hope for a WSM title but sadly I have elbow issues. After lifting literally anything over 5 kg I have to support my elbow the rest of the day. Just typing about it is making it hurt lol. I will be going with my partner and let's just say there will be a surprise in store for her. At Least hopefully. smiley12.gif

      peace out folks, have a good day, week or even a year *clap clap clap clap*

    • Just watched work war z

      6 years ago


      Spoiler alert - I will be talking about world war z - Spoiler alert

      Okay, just to make sure you know there will be spoilers. World war z was okay. It was a good movie and i was entertained but I suppose I expected more. I haven't finished the book but I could see little niglets of the book in it.
      I think I'll get rid if the things I didn't like first
      1) Brad Pitt. He played Brad Pitt to me... the same way he nicolas cage doesn't play parts he plays as nic cage. He no doubt was good, and did a good job.
      2) Still not enough zombies. They've done better than just about any film before them but in the film you see a counter shoot past 3 million. It doesn't look like enough.
      3) The plane scene. What a LOAD OF SHIT. I hate seeing shit like this in film! He basicly indiana jonesed his way out of the situation. Just fucking skip it! I'd just rather not see it. He did nothing for the film, it wasn't scary and you knew what happened because of the fucking trailer anyway. Ugh.
      4) I'm not so annoyed about this one but having a partner whom is a biomedical student she explained a lot of the flaws, the "solution". It's bullshit, I know zombies aren't real but the ending is totally impossible. Not even a speck of a chance. It makes sense that animals don't want to infect a sick or crippled animals because the disease won't spread. But how do the zombies know what to not eat? how they determine what is "bad" to infect?
      5) The lack of explanation.
      Anyway I'll move on to what I liked

      1) The zombies. They are awesome, both totally mental but still have a dormant beast. That's one this about 28 days later that pissed me off that seemingly they never fucking stopped. They ran and ran and fucking ran never stopping. But in this they seem to be more realistic. They sprint when they see and hear food, that makes sense. They stop and observe the rest of the time, waiting for their next target/infection.
      2) The global organization. This was a massive deal for me. It seems about as realistic as it could be. Some places don't have a fucking clue some are ready to moment they hear a snippet of anything. I think this would really happen, maybe not the countries that were in the film but this kind of some get ready before some think it's bs.
      3) The child actors. The children in the film were fantastic. Normally I hate the children but I felt for these kids. They acted well and never really did anything annoying.
      4) The Characters. They didn't do totally retarded things!!! Which for a zombie film is awesome. To finally see someone have their shit together and try! it's awesome rather than seeing cunts just fuck things up!!!

      Final thing about the film! RIP guppy, ya knob.

      So a guess I'll end here, Good night folks. I hope you enjoyed this crappy review haha!

      peace out! smiley12.gif

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