Tucker20

Female
from Portland, Maine

  • Activity

    • Monique Havockk

      8 years ago

      Tucker20

      Who Am I?
      I am Monique Havockk and I am a radically changed girl. In the fall of 2009 I came face to face with God and I have never been the same. My life has been reshaped and well I am a very different person.
      I never really have found love again since Josh and I broke up nearly three years ago but I am alright with that seeing as how I am still a very young girl of 17 and my life has just begun.
      As of late my passion and drive in life has been film. I have to jobs now editing short film and building/editing websites. I have also completely dedicated my life to God and although that has resulted in brutality at school and isolation in the place I live, I do not care. I have the eternity in mind, not just my present being.
      When I graduate high school this time next year I plan on leaving the desert and moving to somewhere green on the east coast and begin my life in film.
      I have changed a lot, as I can see on my old journals, but i was also young then as well. I doubt anyone will be reading this insanely long journal, or even if anyone gives a damn, but I guess I wanted to reintroduce myself to readvsblue. I hope all of you are doing well.
      -Monique Havockk 2011
      youtube.com/moniquehavockk

      IMG_8002.jpg
      A photo of me in my recent years

    • "I know

      9 years ago

      Tucker20

      you can't come home until everyone is singing"

      So the news..
      Me and Josh broke up on the 14th of October.
      I realized that I needed to really focus on my faith and stop being so consumed by worldy things, so me and Josh didn't work out. But who knows maybe it will work out at some other point in life.
      3721608736_a7cea6e6d6.jpg
      -Moe

    • Everyday is a new day

      9 years ago

      Tucker20

      I'm thankful for every breath I take.


      So it sure has been a while since i've been on. There are a lot of things i've missed.
      My best friend is going threw the hardest time of her life...and i've only been there for a portion.
      I know I have no exuse but if it's any concelation, i'm here now...
      Me and Josh are still together. It will be a year and 10 months of yesterday. But sometimes I wonder how worth it this really is. Somedays I couldn't want anything more and others...well I see the hole i'm digging for myself.
      I've started school at a brand new high school. It's pretty amazing, I must say. I've met a lot of new people and things for the most part are going pretty smooth.
      I'm a practicing Christian now, for those of you who didn't know, and I couldn't be happier.
      Anyhow idk who s going to read this anyway but I just thought I would check in on this life I used to have. Anything new in your world?
      -Moe

    • im 15 now

      10 years ago

      Tucker20

      both hands on my clock reached for the sky and i new i was

      fifteen and my life is nothing like i had planned, but that isnt interly a bad thing. there is these dreams you have when your young of how you want life to work, but little do you began to relize life has a path for all of us. even though it may not always be the path you intended, there is a reason you are walking down that road.
      if i had met me when i was young my world would be crushed, but that is then, and this is now. three years ago i never foresaw such a day as this, i could have never imagined a day loving myself so much and being so accepting to actions i could have never fathomed really happening.

      maybe "the little ingine that could" isnt the kind of girl we all thought she would be but her actions on that day will not define her in my eyes. what will is her words, and the way she persuded her actions. i never thought that it would be this way when the moment came, her crumbling in my arms, crying, fearing i wouldn't forgive her. when did our relationship come to the place that we were afraidof judgement, so afraid we kept secrets but she didnt keep this one, and for that i know i can never stop loveing her.

      Picnikcollage11.jpg
      today was the most amazing birthday of my life. 7 of my closest friends sitting with me at the river and we all sang to guitar around my backyard fire into the night. we crammed into a shower and took pictures laughing our asses off, and i have never been happier. even though my voice was slowly fading away i made it last until the end of the night.
      i never relized how lucky i am to have people like this surround me, and i love my life again. Josh is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and Jason has to be the best person i have ever know. Sierra B,Sierra M,and Matt could make me laugh to death, and that is in no way a bad thing. Christian maybe quiet but that music he plays, its quite intoxicating.and then there is her, amber. she is my best friend and i am so happy to have met her 6 years ago.
      Picnikcollage32.jpg
      this may not have been the way i pictured my life when i turned 15, but i could never been happier with my the direction it has gone.
      Picnikcollage23.jpg
      -moe

    • i dont know

      10 years ago

      Tucker20

      how much more i can frekin take.

      Josh is making me crazy and i cant handle it anymore. He is the only person that can make me so happy
      but he is the one making me so misserable.
      He fills my head with false hopes and wanting but is never willing to make his words into action. Is it fair to myself to be put through this mind tourture?
      I love him so much more than words can ever say but over this last week every little thing he does is pushing all of my buttons.
      I really needed you tonight Josh and i wish you could understand that.
      Cant_kill_me48ecd9c94a1c2.jpg
      Who really know what has been happening to us lately but it seems like everything is falling apart. I honestly think it has to do with the fact that i know if i loose him i will be completley and utterly alone. I know i will always have all of you on here but that here, but that is not in the real world.
      When did it all come to this? Me letting people walk all over me in the hopes of finding a friend, i just feel so alone and helpless. I'm really starting to regret my life.

      I guess this entire feeling started on friday walking alone to the swimming center. A friend was supposed to be accompaning me, but when have my "new friends" ever honsetly pulled threw? I realized then how alone i felt and i couldnt keep myself from crying. I felt little joy in talking to Jason as i walked, i guess i can call him my one real good friend out here considering he has always been there.
      When i got to the pool swimming felt exhilerating and wonderful and yet again i felt in charge of my life but when i got home a deep sadness sunked in as i looked at the life around me. I want so badly to be wanted by another human being its sickining. I'd do anything right now to never have to feel this way again.


      My phone has been missing since this morning, but i know its somewhere in this house. Where is it when i need it most? I need Jason

      "close your eyes,have no fear. the monser's gone. he's on the run your daddy's here. beautiful beautiful beautiful girl darling darling darling dear. before you cross the street, take my hand. life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans. every day in every way, it's getting better and better"
      I let those words fall, wanting-wanting so bad to belive them. There is good in all people and i know it must be there in me

      -moe

    • Listen here

      10 years ago

      Tucker20

      wanna know a
      secret?

      how bout you tell me one of yours first :]
      -moe

    • sometimes you see right though me

      10 years ago

      Tucker20

      things have been semi difficult lately
      school has been getting rough, highschool work build up :/
      and friends are turning into people i have no idea who they are and because i am loosing people for dumb reasons-
      i just blend into the scenery.
      Josh is started to stress me a little.
      I have been working on this surprise birthday dinner for saturday. A homemade scratch dinner because it was the most of a present i could give him considering we are broke from moving. It was going to be so perfect and i know he would have loved it....if we were still doing it. He is going to a Halloween party instead, and i didnt say anything about it becase i thought he was going for his dad.
      but no
      he is bailing on me just because.
      it hurts a little to think about...i was working so hard on making tommorow perfect and for what? to have this delicious dinner alone becasue id rather have it alone than with my "friends".
      Mrs.Valdez was the one who knew how to make it better. a perfect teacher and an inspiration to keep on going.
      but then again nothing is promised to us and of course, she left monday and was replaced.
      i wish things were constant but unfortunatly the only thing garunteed in life is change.
      I want friends again.I want a life outside of school besides Josh,but a part of me would rather be alone.

      I think i am afraid to be myself because maybe people around me will dislike me more than i already do on my own....or maybe im looking in all the wrong places.
      i just want someone..somthing...anything to fill this void inside of my life.
      I know things will get better,because they always do.
      -moe

    • so

      10 years ago

      Tucker20

      im moving, and packing sucks
      but whatever i am excited for my new house.

      it feels like im loosing a best friend, because we hardly talk
      but i understand why. we both have our own lives that are NOT entangled around the speaker of a telephone, and thats alright.

      just miss her is all
      -moe

    • lake<3

      10 years ago

      Tucker20

      so if anyone realized i havent been on for a while.
      not many pple would no this because i dont have very many watchers left
      but anywho

      me and Josh went to the lake.yes there is a lake in nm c: isnt that odd?
      we spent 3 hours driving there followed by 3 amazing days.
      jet skiing and tubbing.swimming and cuddeling,it was nothing short of incredible

      i wrote a little something while i was there. thought you would enjoy

      A delecate strum of steel string,Epiphone to be exact.The strum of sooothing fingers to extrodinary to be explained thro words typed rapidly on a computer screen. it wasactually the kind of sound that sends you far back. to that place in your mind where you love to get lost in. mine was sitting there, litrelly sitting apon the lake we had been at hours before. Swaying back and fro apon those waves,created by the jet skies that were steered by the soothing fingers that strummed me to this place. And as i sat there oozing with tranquility my eyes filled wiht tears. Tears holding misuery and pain;filling with joy and excitment; drenched with many more emothions one can not explain.Not only was this happening in my place of solitude but also in the place were i sat.Leaned back in my chair six inches away from my love, the strumming stops.
      m_5bb9ba5bfaa9a28680c6c6432e70245c.png
      -moe

    • amber

      10 years ago

      Tucker20

      rockband.jpg

  • About Me

  • Comments (2216)

    • ArcherRoLLz

      6 years ago

      I deffo remember you

    • Drebin

      9 years ago

      d00d! You're old and stuff now!
      XD

    • pyroloveee01

      9 years ago

      we use to be friends on here. ectasyfairy. im back now so plz add me

    • breakXbreak

      9 years ago

      d00d you have to see that video...
      The Thespians Moniker
      And this video...
      Planet Unicorn

    • Finkers

      10 years ago

      lol see mike jizzones and dylan. what fags

      l_9accdddbfe0f45c7a2bc3bbdf1d84eea.jpg

    • Davidmaster

      10 years ago

      youre not mad at me anymore?

    • Davidmaster

      10 years ago

      im writing you back. hahahaha. :D

    • Joshua7

      10 years ago

      Thanks. It's always good to hear that.

    • JoeBuckBob

      10 years ago

      thank you hun, it means a lot. things are getting better with me and Josh i just hop[e things will be back to normal real soon.
      -moe


      Anytime Moe! Seriously, ANYTIME! You're one of the few users on this site that's caught my eye that I really do have respect for. I hope things continue to get better for you. But dude, it's totally normal to have those dark sucky lonely days. =/

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      She won't say she loves me.
      I'm trying not to say it.

    • _dasan_

      10 years ago

      text me you butt

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Your welcome!
      [<3]

    • HelenasFate

      10 years ago

      Thank you for the comment, love. <3

    • sam101

      10 years ago

      hey

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Hmph.
      My face is too big for such kidlike glasses.
      [<3]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Everyone says it's cute.
      [<3]

    • HelenasFate

      10 years ago

      Yeah.
      I'm deathly afraid of being vulnerable.
      It's just the way I am. x3.
      Anyway, how are you, doll-face?

    • moneymaker20

      10 years ago

      yeah i know
      but that takes time
      and patience is the key

      like he was with these kids in this one part and thry shot a deer
      well he literally felt the pain of the deer, and like puts his hand on the guys forhead and transmitted the pain..
      that like me times 30

      "i founf a dead cat on the side of the road so i took it homa nd put some honey on it then cooked it and ate it, is that bad do do do do"

    • moneymaker20

      10 years ago

      u dont have to feel any certain feeling moe
      noone is asking you to.
      but i know
      and i feel ur pain more than words could ever say
      i said i was an emotional person and i really am. i care for moe and i spent my day hoping that ur ok
      but ur not....just know that if the darkness starts to swallow you whole
      all u have to do is ask and i can turn on that light bulb.

      this might cheer u up
      theres this movie right?
      and i tihnk its calle rain....and its this albino dude and he feels like everyones emotionds inside of him
      like jesus
      well i think im jesus Moe..im fuckin serious
      oh and watch this

    • crunch_bite

      10 years ago

      Good for you. Im happy for you.
      And Yes, I do have a cell phone.
      I can only assume you're asking me that because you want my number? lol

    • crunch_bite

      10 years ago

      Hi Moe.
      sorry I didn't reply right away.
      As you can tell Im not on here very often anymore..
      Life is good. Same old. Work work work. hehe
      How's everything with you.

    • moneymaker20

      10 years ago

      its ok though, i dont expect you to understand
      its not your fault why im ike this

      and i don't want you to "be here" for me because you live THERE
      and u have your own life to live; just forget about me for a while ok?

    • moneymaker20

      10 years ago

      i dont know moe.....dont worry i'm here for you

      that hurts more that words can every say.

      i'm staring at a blnk document on the computer screen; trying to come up with a beautiful poem in 30 minutes; but what comes instead? tears...that stream down my cheeks while people are staring. Whats wrong with amber? why is she crying? shes not allowed to right?

      i'm a fuckin human being, with feelings; i hurt, and i smile why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so hard to understand that i change too, even when i dont want to? When life takes ME by the wrist and points me where to go? I'm not 9 anymore, i'm a fuckin teenager, and if people can't handle that; then how the fuck am i supposed to rely on them?

    • _dasan_

      10 years ago

      why you sorry silly

    • _dasan_

      10 years ago

      awwwwwwwwwwwwwww poop

    • _dasan_

      10 years ago

      are you home yet?

    • Xsonz

      10 years ago

      Ugh I dunno.
      Im sorry, I hate bitching about my problems.

    • Xsonz

      10 years ago

      Thats exactly how I am, exept im not afraid, just... I always have a bad day, no matter how many good things happened. Im always slightly depressed recently, for some reason.

    • OnlineGames

      10 years ago

      hey there! we haven't talked in awhile

    • Xsonz

      10 years ago

      So are you scared?

    • _dasan_

      10 years ago

      you'll get a tent posts in your bra XD
      haha hard nipples!!!

    • HelenasFate

      10 years ago

      Thank you for the comment, love. <3

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Well it's something that people have found out and they just think it's kinda cute.
      But I think it's something that is embarrassing and should've grown out of awhile ago.
      [X]

    • blackautumn

      10 years ago

      Yeah I hear ya. But you shouldnt be scared because if you have the willpower then you know that you can love him forever.

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      I'm pretty sure I remember that one.
      I'm the same way.
      I really only have like one big secret.
      I have another secret but I make it worse than it should be.
      [X]

    • blackautumn

      10 years ago

      youre a freshman?

      and how does it scare you?

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Eh.
      The reason I'm a good secret keeper is because I forget them.
      [X]

    • blackautumn

      10 years ago

      What kind of complications has thou been stumbling across?

    • blackautumn

      10 years ago

      Life is great.
      How about you?

    • blackautumn

      10 years ago

      No prollem homeskillet.

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      I'm watchin WRASTLIN!
      =D
      [X]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Eh.
      I don't care either way lol.
      [X]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      I know.
      I was like prep?
      I don't even own anything from Hollister, Abercrombie, or American Eagle.
      Most of my stuff is from Old Navy, Khols, Goodwill, or Pac Sun.
      [X]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Oh yeah...
      My bad!
      XD
      Actually one of my friends said I was prep.
      [X]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Y'all are such a bunch of emo kids!
      XD
      [X]

    • moneymaker20

      10 years ago

      lookie

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      lol him and I both.
      I remember when Taylor was trying to put mine on!
      I kept tearing up and blinking and fidgeting, lol.
      [X]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      Still not my favorite.
      My favorite one is the one on my myspace.
      [X]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      WTD!
      [X]

    • breakXbreak

      10 years ago

      d00d!
      H4x!
      Teleport me to Africa!
      [X]

  • Questions

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