Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
In full view of this bathroom Stall
Man on Man, you've seen it All
For a good time, this number, Call
5 years agoYoink
A kid at work decided to drop a deuce in the women's bathroom. It was the kind of deuce you'd tell stories about later, but want no immediate witnesses to. Naturally, he clogged the toilet bowl so bad he had no choice but to tell me. I go back to the bathroom with him to remedy the situation. He tries The Plunger, then I...no dice.
He then has the brilliant idea to dislodge whatever may be blocking the flow with the Toilet Brush...which immediately snaps off the handle and wedges in the hole. It is at that exact moment that I not only ban him from the bathroom, but also from looking me in the eyes for the forseeable future.
I put up an "Out of Order" sign, texted the boss to bring a Snake and called it a day.
I should mention that while I was standing in the Can, looking at the mess he dragged me into, I thanked the kid for his honesty and for allowing me to share in his special moment. I also said, "If we're being honest, if I had made the mess you made, not only would I not have fessed up, I would have walked out the back door and you would have never seen me again." ...He laughed, I was serious.
6 years agoYoink
Against my better judgement I went to A.C. for the night with some friends. For those not in the know, AC would be Atlantic City, not Albert Clifford as some of you may have assumed. Save by the Bell reference, anyone? No? Just me? That's cool.
Normally Saturday Night in AC is the boys night out, but this time I was informed we would be bringing my friend's neighbor Matt, who was turning 21, which is cool...but also tagging along was my friend's wife...and the kid's mother. Sounds like a good old time, yeah? No.
A little background, my friend & his wife always bicker back & forth. They don't argue about which one is the better parent, they debate who is the shittier parent. It's pretty much a nightmare going out with them together. Separately, they are fine, but together it's torture. I always seem to drink too much whenever I go out with them. Coincidence? I think not.
We went out to eat at this fine dinning establishment called Hooters. It's a pretty swanky place. I forgot my dinner jacket & tie back at the room, but luckily I was able to get in anyway. Next was the Comedy Club, and then finally off to the dance clubs. Along the way I had consumed quite a bit of Alcohol, but was in pretty good shape...until I wasn't.
I seem to remember leaving the dance club with Matt, but nothing beyond that...that is until I realized I was standing in the hotel hallway with a security guard asking me if I knew which room I was staying in. Now, I have no idea what kind of inane shit I was babbling before coming to, but now that I was actually back at the wheel I was able to answer his question & get back to my room.
As we rode the elevator up to my floor, I glanced down & noticed that my sleeve was covered in vomit, to which I remarked "hmmm, look at that. Looks like somebody threw up on me." The guard opens the door, I go to sleep on the floor.
I woke up, couldn't tell you what time it was, but it was still dark & the other 3 people in the room were sleeping. I went to the bathroom to remove bodily fluids from various orifices, washed my hands & went to leave. The whole process took about 5 minutes...or so I thought. Turns out, when I came out of the bathroom, the sun was shinning and everyone was awake & ready to leave. I have no idea how long I was actually in there.
As we made our way through checkout, I was filled in about some of the missing details about the night before. Matt and I somehow made our way to the correct portion of the hotel, but fell down several times before actually making it to the room. I passed out in the hallway & Matt continued to the room to retrieve our friend to bring me back to the room. Small problem, when Matt got back to the room, he passed out on the bed for a bit, but to his credit, he did wake up & managed to get me back to the room.
Once inside the room, I sat down in the chair & we chatted for a bit. I apparently signaled the end of that conversation by face planting onto the floor, then passed out again. For some reason or another, I woke up & left the room, that's when the security guard found me. Don't know how long I was out of the room or what transpired during that time.
According to Matt, at some point before we reached the room, we stopped in the bathroom, where I spent the better part of 5 minutes trying to get the soap dispenser to work. Matt remedied that problem be informing me that I was trying to dispense soap from a light fixture. C'mon, who hasn't made that mistake? Also, the vomit on my sleeve? Yeah, I was sleeping in a puddle of it the first time I had been back to the room. It's been speculated that I ralphed on the floor (Ewww!) and then slept in it. I vehemently dispute that fact! Did I sleep in it? Sure. But there is absolutely no proof that yak was mine. The only eye witness was drunk off his ass, I would hardly call that expert testimony. That's just merely a classic text book case of wrong place/wrong time. There's not a court in the land that would convict me!
My friend's wife was not at all happy. "You all smell like Alcohol and Vomit!' (...I think some more than others) And that is exactly why the women folk are never invited. This is pretty much common place, if it hadn't been me, it would have been somebody else. We never leave AC without a story.
...Remember kids, drink responsibly.
6 years agoYoink
For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you are well aware that I take Granny food shopping nearly every Friday morning, you know this because there are usually humorous Supermarket inspired tweets every Friday morning.
On to the matter at hand; if you don't know, the Supermarket is where Stupidity and Rudeness go to mate. Most people shop and conduct themselves as though they were the only people in the store.
Yesterday it snowed, so Granny asked me to just go pick up a few items, which is great! Why is it great? Well, because Granny is 92 years old and it usually takes her about 2 hours to do her shopping...I was done with the entire list in 20 minutes. The whole operation went smoothly, that is until it was time to leave the store.
Naturally, I was at the register farthest from the exit, which means I had to pass EVERY other register on the way out. All I wanted to do was leave the store, that's all! Not asking to much. Nearly every single person who had a shopping cart left it blocking the exit lane. I ask politely for them to move, so I may pass. I received a few very rude response in return.
WELP, we tried it the nice way, now we do it my way. I just plowed aside all objects blocking my path, shopping cart, man, woman, & child alike.
This is a fairly accurate reenactment. Seems Reasonable
6 years agoYoink
Every night, without fail, we go through the same routine. No, not taking over the world; that's waaaay above our pay grade.
First, a little background: My bed is too high for the dog to jump on without a running start. The configuration of my apartment, combined with the layout of my bedroom & my dog's general laziness makes that nearly impossible for him to do, so I need to lift him onto the bed.
Me: I'm going to bed, Fool. You coming?
Me: I said; are you coming?
Dog: Go fuck yourself.
Me: So, you're going to sleep on the couch then?
Dog: Looks like.
Me: Are you sure?
Dog: Piss off.
I walk into the bedroom:
Me: Alright, all aboard who's going aboard!
Dog: Fuck off!
A short time later...
Dog: Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY!
Dog: You sleeping?
Me; Not Anymore!
Dog: Oh good, can I come up?
Pick the dog's fat ass up, put him on the bed:
Me: ::staring at the ceiling::
Dog: So...same time tomorrow night?
Me: Yes, of that I am certain, Pinky!
6 years agoYoink
Don't you just love how people on TV and in the movies can knock people out with just a single punch, without any irreparable damage? How cool would it be to be able to do that in real life?
"Daddy, Daddy, I want a toy!" ::WAM:: ...shhhh, it's nap time, kid.
"I want to speak to your manager!" ::WAM:: ...maybe when you wake up.
"Good morning, honey!" ::WAM:: ...Goodnight, mom!
Wouldn't that make life so much more pleasant for everyone? So many practical applications!
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