Zach

Not Specified
from Austin, TX

  • Activity

    • Big Dumb Facebook

      9 years ago

      Zach

      I've never really liked Facebook. I never really liked Myspace either but before it started to look like Times Square I found its interface to be more intuitive than Facebooks. Facebook sort of reminds me of an interface within a video game. Be it the card games in Final Fantasy or the email system in Mass Effect. As soon as I get the feeling "am I doing this right?" in the game I sort of just give up on that particular aspect of it. It turns out I didn't need to play virtual Pokemon in FF and I didn't need to read space junk mail in ME2. Then why do I need to play Facebook in this dumbass Real Life game I appear to be so shitty at? Why was I on Friendster? Why was I on Myspace?

      ... Oh, right! Women. Doy.

      The only reason I started using the blog feature on Myspace was a way of proving to people (women) I was funny without them having to actually see how ugly and miserable I am. I could virtually sneak past their defenses. Oh, sure, I hear you- "What a creep." ... well... eat me. If you think you can admit you haven't used the internet and social networks for boundary crossing, privacy invasion and snooping in general then you're nothing but a damn dirty liar. A smelly liar with a big smelly butt.

      Now that that's out of the way I have a specific complaint about Facebook. The "hey, here's someone you'd like to be friends with" feature is fairly useful. At least it was a few years ago when it first popped up. Now it's just a list of garbage people I don't know or don't recognize from high school. (I get that I'm 30 and it's been over a decade since I've seen a lot of those people but I feel like even with my pushed back hairline and beard I still look like the same loser. What happened to some of those people? Do our heads change shape with age or something?) It'd be nice if I could put some filters on it. Lecherous, single guy, creepy internet filters. I don't want to see girls with hyphenated last names or girls with profile pictures of them holding a baby.

      If I'm not already facebook friends with a gal who's married chances are I'm never going to be friends with her. And look... I've dated single moms before, it ranged from mildly weird to super weird. I immediately think any single mom willing to date me is inherently irresponsible and that kind of bums me out because after all she is someones mom. Not to mention being dumped by mom then later having to "break up" with her kid daughter is one of the shittiest things I've ever had to go through. I'd like to avoid it.

      So, if I'm going to be clicking around Facebook lecherously looking at women within my extended social
      circle it'd be nice if I could filter out the ones I have no business looking at. ... oh guh. As previously mentioned I am 30. Don't people assume anyone three decades deep with who's active on any social network is an old creep anyway? Do I have no business looking at anyone on Facebook?

      What are the rules on this thing? When are we too old for the internet?

      -fart sound

    • Suck it Maria.

      9 years ago

      Zach

      I was buying paint at Hobby Lobby and the checker told me I had a sad face. I found that to be kind of a rude thing for one stranger to say to another so I decided to bum her out and tell it was the one year anniversary of my wife's aids related death then refused to talk during the rest of our transaction. That's right, I lied to a strange hispanic woman with weird teeth, that'll learn her to call me sad lookin.

      Guh

    • No goes.

      9 years ago

      Zach

      Pot du Neti un film du Barlow
      A document of my first use of a Neti Pot. Documented, yet poorly acted. Filmed with my Kodak Easyshare DX7590's incredibly crappy video feature.

      -Fart Sound

    • I'm not very good at my job.

      9 years ago

      Zach

      tumblrkxwe05jpft1qz9l2e.jpg

      A proposed yet rejected Chronicle ad for F.N. Goode Burgers

    • Musty old robot porn.

      9 years ago

      Zach

      tumblrkxhs4pqkbl1qz9l2e.png

      Seriously? Robot hugs? Battlestar Galactica really needed less of that silly military based spaceship fighting stuff and a whole lot more crying and hugging. That’s clearly what it was missing.

      What a turd.

    • Mass Effect's gay for making me straight

      9 years ago

      Zach

      My lady Shepard was a lesbian for a lady alien in the first Mass Effect, I was hoping to continue this trend of hot space lady on space lady action it the second one.

      BUT NO!

      Even with an admitted bisexual lady on the ship I’m limited to a bunch of dudes looking to nail me right in the space vagina. That makes me feel sort of uncomfortable. I wanted to be a tawdry space lesbian but this game is limiting me to straight options.

      As a straight man I’m perfectly comfortable playing as a gay woman having sex with other women however I feel weirdly conflicted playing as a woman seducing a dude. Even if that dude’s some kind of a frog alien.

      Mass Effect you have shamed and confused my boner. THANKS A BUNCH!

    • Coccyx

      9 years ago

      Zach

      Here's some pictures of a some totally awesome peacocks who wandered into my apartment complex.
      frontytq.jpg
      fuzzyneck.jpg
      otherprofile.jpg
      shittyprofile.jpg
      sideyh.jpg
      I wanted to keep one but a dude in a van showed up with a handful of bird feed and totally peacock blocked me. Rip off.

      Z.

    • Three way kind.

      10 years ago

      Zach

      I recently moved. It's a nice change. My new place is generally better than my old place when it comes the the place itself. The real nice thing about moving is getting away from the crap hole I used to live in. Austin doesn't really have bad parts of town but if it did you could easily call 1st and Will Cannon one of Austin bad parts of town. A few weeks before moving I heard someone vomiting in the parking lot while his friends call him "faggot" for rejecting the PCP their joint was laced with.
      Look... I'm kind of a crummy dude and I don't mind living around crummy people but eventually that shit wears on you.
      My new place is A-towns much self-loved 78704 area. And while it's not without crime I'm certainly not going to get called "cracker ass faggot" while walking through my parking lot. By the way the guy who called me that was in the middle of getting stuffed into the back of a police cruiser. It really was a shitty place to live. Did I mention I was neighbors with a work from home hooker?

      One of the fun new aspects of my new place has been captured in picture form for just everyone to see what giant nerd I am-
      The view from my sofa:
      viewfromsofa.jpg
      The view from my work station:
      viewfromdesk.jpg
      The view from my toilet:
      viewfromjohn.jpg

      That's right. Not only did I steal the "Happy Fucking New Year" Polar Bear head off the wall of The Showdown before it closed I've also set up a couple mirrors behind my sofa sos I can see my TV from my desk and the john. Pretty exciting, right? The only problem is, during a test run of a game of Puzzle Quest I realized I can't play from these secondary positions as the image is flipped and I'm too dumb to swap my left and rights depending on my vantage point.

      I giveth and I taketh away.

      Z.

    • Is this Frankenfish or an ad for IKEA?

      10 years ago

      Zach

      zyfy.jpg
      So nerds can be designer fags and designer fags can be nerds… are the two the same? And do their tastes have anything to do with each other?

      That’s right, the correct answer is: Boogers.

      Z.

    • What the fuck netflix?

      10 years ago

      Zach

      dickse.jpg
      dickscrack.jpg
      This is Blu-ray #10 I’ve rented from you. This is Blu-Ray #6 that has a tiny crack on the side of it, rednering it unplayable. Is there some group of assholes renting and breaking Blu-Rays off of netflix in an attempt to keep me from being able to watch the dumbass Resident Evil cartoon?

      Z.

  • About Me

  • Comments (182)

    • conrad500

      5 years ago

      Hello!

    • trevorsisom

      7 years ago

      cool...

    • Becca FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RT Torturer

      10 years ago

      I use this shit and I love it so goddamn much.

    • jeff Shorts Forum Mod

      10 years ago

      I googled "turd merger" and your profile was the 5th thing to come up.

    • Nixorbo

      11 years ago

      +1 Clone High gif

    • busyhands

      11 years ago

      ur weird

    • Becca FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RT Torturer

      11 years ago

      Hahaha. My cousins are fat.

    • Becca FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RT Torturer

      11 years ago

      steampunk-definition.gif

    • Red_Riot_666

      11 years ago

      oh come on you are not. Well i think so anyways smiley0.gif so there!

    • Red_Riot_666

      11 years ago

      Your work is great. I like your sketches section. smiley0.gif

    • Becca FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RT Torturer

      11 years ago

      WHAT THE FUCK

    • Becca FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RT Torturer

      11 years ago

      www.electricretard.com

    • queenlisa23

      11 years ago

      hi ya i just want to kno what is beautiful katamari is like i am thinkin about gettin it?

    • Wesley7

      11 years ago

      Possibley Geoffs Brother!

    • cml1983 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      11 years ago

      congrats on fu

    • Superfiver

      11 years ago

      FU MAN! FU! Its just great haveing everyone say FU YOU! Yea great to be the featured user isent it. lol

    • yorkky22

      11 years ago

      they might be, but mine are little kids glasses. because i have a tiny freak head.

    • Becca FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RT Torturer

      11 years ago

      Jerk! You saw how big I had my earlobes stretched before, didn't you? I'm pretty happy my lobes look as good as they do.

    • Halo_Kitty3

      12 years ago

      Actually, I think you are a pretty talented artist. A tad crazy, if one goes by your photos alone. Just kidding. XD

    • Becca FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RT Torturer

      12 years ago

      Hahahahahaha!

    • yorkky22

      12 years ago

      fucking exactly.

      EXACTLY.



      oh zach, you're the only one who understands me.

    • Why_D_Phy

      12 years ago

      Are we long lost brothers?

    • vtlynch92

      12 years ago

      youre gif fails. you put white text on white muzzle flash

    • Ghost_Nova

      12 years ago

      Hey bro....man you look familiar smiley11.gif ....did you ever live in Southern California smiley10.gifsmiley11.gifsmiley10.gif

    • dolphinpoet

      12 years ago

      Wonderfalls... very nice... you have excellent taste in television.

    • placeboose

      12 years ago

      Hi man, I know that your photoshoped pics are far better than mines but would you please check them? I would be honored, really.

    • daruma

      13 years ago

      It's been pretty quiet lately, though it does seem to be picking up again. And I know what you mean, I've seen a couple of winners that made me go "WTF?". Anyway, thanks, man.

    • daruma

      13 years ago

      Hey, man. I've always loved this picture that you posted ages ago in the photoshop phun remix thread, and (now that I've finally tracked you down as the original artist...) was hoping to get permission to repost it.
      surprisedmoongirltaggeddk2.jpg
      I'm not really sure what I was going to do with it, probably just post it in my images, just because I think it's really cool. But as you can see, I've added your website to it, and if I did re-use it on RvB, I would be sure to link back to your profile.

    • yorkky22

      13 years ago

      they're right next to the 900 books about disney.

    • yorkky22

      13 years ago

      LEARN TO....

      wait i just got distracted, the people who i'm house sitting for have three, three big books about faberge eggs. THREE

    • yorkky22

      13 years ago

      LEARN HOW TO PAINT

    • yorkky22

      13 years ago

      don't you know i'm dating chamillionaire?

      tryin' ta catch me ridin' dirty

    • yorkky22

      13 years ago

      its true, you caught me

    • Stopikinonme

      13 years ago

      wait a minute.....I don't see They Might Be Giants on your list of favorite music....odd.....had you pegged as a fan. <sigh> Well you do have Mike Doughty, and he did sing Mr. Excitment on their album, close enough I guess eh?

    • Templar895

      13 years ago


      If someone were going to criticize me in a flattering and mildly creative way they would compare me to Godfather III: An ambitious failure.


      I'd compare you to the Season 5 Finale of 24: Completley innacurate and filled with fantasty. I DONT GET CAPTURED BY SILLY CHINAMEN, NOOBZ! GWARRRAHAHAHAAGAAAHA!

    • yorkky22

      13 years ago

      shush.

      i like the stars. there is flowers inside of them.

    • yorkky22

      13 years ago

      344a7d6c.jpg

      boom

      i made you hideous.

      i just got photoshop *squee*

    • Goaway

      13 years ago

      Hi

    • Assassin23

      13 years ago

      sweet profile!

    • redteamsucks

      13 years ago

      I must say that you like overwhelmingly good music. I'm definitely a huge fan of Pretty Girls Make Graves, Neutral Milk Hotel and Mike Doughty and of course m83, RJD2 etc etc. Its just very exciting to find others on here who dont like Fall Out Boy or some such nonsense as that. Do you get to see a lot of those bands in Austin? Probably SXSW.

    • Poetica

      13 years ago

      Ambitious failures are my kind of people.

    • Zach

      13 years ago

      Yes. Congratulations me.

    • NeoHybrid

      13 years ago

      congrats on being featured user

    • tfay88

      13 years ago

      News Radio: Most underrated show ever. Phil Hartman: An effing genius.

    • Hades_1

      13 years ago

      congratulations on fu

    • davidl

      13 years ago

      I think that you are the first member to be FU twice.

    • S1apSh0es

      13 years ago

      Congrats on the FU...again.

    • gottaluvit

      13 years ago

      flj;lasdj;lfaj;ldjfalkdsjfl;asjfl;djs;aljsdfl;ja

      (its the secret language of B.S. and it means congrats!!!!!!!)

    • lennerd

      13 years ago

      why do you have so few friends

    • efinity

      13 years ago

      kngrtlshnz!

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