I want to start writing again. No, I need to start writing again. I must force myself out of my comfort zone, free my soul from the depths of its imprisonment, and let it once again soar so I can look myself in the face again and smile. I'm tired of letting my fear and concern of professional retaliation and policies get in the way of the therapeutic catharsis I so crave. This will be my escape. This will be my rebirth. Long have I loved Rooster Teeth and long have I been afraid that no one will read my musings but the realization has donned on me of this safe corner of the internet intertwined with one simple truth. This truth is I honestly don't care if you like it or not, I'm doing this for me. I hope along the journey I can entertain or at the very least inspire you. I was once on track to be an entertainer, to share my gift to the world. I squandered this opportunity because of fear and laziness but this ends today.
The whole is the sum of the parts and I cannot deny that despite everything good in my life I don't feel whole. The parts of me that I love best, the parts that make my family and friends love and support me do not seem to be seeing the light of day. Entertainment is what I know and I go to work and become a performer. I do not feign concern or enthusiasm at my crowd. Even though years and years of toil has taken the sincerity and drive of others I still give them what I can of me. They all believe I am lying and just go about their days; some getting angry and disappointed while others leave pleased or at the very least content. No matter the case I give these people my all, they will see the happy, energetic guidance they deserve despite how my spirit may feel broken or my moral weak because the show must go on. They are there to share a moment of their lives with me whether they want to or not and as a performer I know they are trying to escape their lives if only for a moment.
My coworkers ask me how I constantly and consistently keep my energy up even when I have a crisis in my personal life. The short answer is I have the performer/entertainer mentality. I am the quick wit or stupid pun that cracks a smile on your lips. I am the turn of phrase that jump starts your mind and gets you to think. This approach I have many people mistake for an affinity for retail or service. To an extent they are right about the service side but the truth and reason why I handle things so differently from themselves, the spark that ignites at my very core is the passionate drive of empathetic entertainment.
The toll it takes is arduous. I dare say I underestimated the effect it would have not only on the part of me I feel at the core of my chest but also my mental health. I know what I really need is to vent, create, sing, dance, draw, film, edit, stream, and post. I pledge here tonight to do these things. I would be honored if you joined me but if you don't its alright with me. I'm going to get back to the level of physical and mental health I keep telling myself I will and I am starting today. Next year when I get to RTX I'm going to be at least 30 lbs thinner, potentially in cosplay or character, and I'm going to have a meetup with whomever among you is there. I am officially deeming this endeavor Operation Phoenix and encourage you to join me in setting goals for yourselves as well.
I was really inspired by the ending rant Bo Burnham placed in his most recent comedy special, Make Happy. A particular section of the lyrics really hit me close to home and I want to leave you with them. "Look at them they're just staring at me like come and watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself.."