So, I've returned a couple of times to pick up where I left off and have decided that it's a cold topic. Overall, I did enjoy myself, and it was a vacation that I will remember fondly. The end.
Moving on: I've been feeling tense lately. Maybe that's what has brought about this idea of enjoyment in the first place. Here's my thinking on this:
I've been holding several factors influencing my life under a certain balance, and most (if not all) of them involve weighing the value of satisfaction/enjoyment vs. growth and hard work: using e-cigarettes vs. not using them, doing something productive vs. doing something enjoyable, eating delicious food vs. exercising (which can be enjoyed, but not while I'm feeling as garbage as I have been lately). I'm looking for a happy medium somewhere.
This may seem superfluous and I might just be overthinking all of this. Unnecessary. Yet, it still keeps me up at night (literally, I can't go to bed without first watching at least two hours of Parks and Rec clips, old RT Life vids, or anything else that pops up in my recommended feed. It's torture, but I do keep the Blue Light filter on). But it's still worth noting, because my overall lack of satisfaction with myself seems to be draped upon everything that I do. It's like the rose-colored lenses have been replaced with water-stained 3-D glasses outdoors in heavy sunlight that don't fit well. I can still see, but it's giving me a goddamn headache.
That's part of the reason that I've taken to writing this. I plan on doing one of these at least 5 times a week. I'm already behind one day by missing yesterday, but I'd like to make this a habit. Just need to do it for 30 days straight.
I've also started boxing with a heavy bag to let off some steam; my current workout really only consists of weightlifting and a short run, but it's become increasingly monotonous. I've loved watching boxing for a long time and have wanted to get into it for a while. It's very rudimentary, but I've set up a heavy bag that I found in my backyard and bought a pair of gloves. It's a start, and I'm already having some good fun with it.
This is nice and all, but I really want to get in the groove of writing again. I say "again," but I don't actually think I ever got into a groove I really thought was productive. I've been trying to write for more than 3 years now, and I still haven't come close to producing anything of real substance. Every now and then (maybe like once a month if at all) I'm struck with inspiration that brings to mind enough dialogue to make up a single scene. Problem is, the scene is never self-contained: it's a single, small part of a much larger and complex story that I've outlined in my head. I want to incorporate all of these story elements and create a masterpiece every time I sit at a keyboard or open a notebook. Never happens, and I either get bored and leave the table or just stressed at not being able to put two sentences together. Still, I think I could be pretty good at it. Keeping as optimistic as ever. Yeah.
That's another reason for starting this: I think that if I take a better look at how I perceive and understand things, how my own mind works, I might better understand the thought processes of the characters that I want to write in my stories. Maybe this inner dialogue can help me form a fictional dialogue that makes sense - one that I would want to read if it were published by one of my favorite authors. One can hope, but I know that it'll take effort to achieve.
That's why I want to get out of this emotional rut: it's digging into my psyche and getting in the way of any desire I have to do something productive. Instead, I've been drowning myself in small comforts. In the better parts of my head, I would much rather do something that is both productive and enjoyable to me: writing. It's a rush that I get when I construct a world for a D&D game with my friends or when I create little fanfictions for myself in my notebooks instead of paying attention in class. I want to do this right, and I want to improve, but I feel that I will only be satisfied when I have a finished product: a self-contained story that contains enough elements to hold water in its purpose and engage a reader who doesn't know me at all. Thing is, I feel that the only way that I would truly achieve this satisfaction - the only way that I feel that this effort would be truly productive - is if it actually produces something: something complete.
I think this is a good place to slow down. I've got stuff to do (I can't really note anything, but I'm sure the responsibility is there somewhere in this house), and I'm glad to have put out a much larger line of thought than I did two days ago. Let's hope that I can keep at this, it really does feel good to stay at the keyboard.
Talk to you later.