allieSchwims 14 Scrobbles

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from Arkansas

  • Activity

    • Long post about my life/depression/feeling stuck/hopefully getting unstuck.

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      First of all, my life is not relying on anyone reading this, because I would look at something this long and run in fear. That's what.. she... never mind. I just like putting my thoughts into a post on a site full of pretty cool and understanding people.


      Unfortunately, I'm feeling stuck again. And though I still think what I said about being happy with the direction my life is going is true, I can't shake the "stuck" feeling.


      I had a long talk with my mom today, and like most of our talks, she knew exactly what to say, and knew what I was going to say before I said it. I started with how emotional I've been lately. I'm already a pretty emotional person, but for a few weeks I've been extremely emotional. I've cried at least six or seven times a day about anything and everything. Happy things, sad things, frustrating things, cute things, etc.


      My mom has noticed it, and before I could get the words out of my mouth during our talk, she said she thinks my depression is back. It's definitely not as bad as it was years ago, but the situation of suddenly moving to a tiny town for a year yet having so many things to look forward to like film school has really gotten to me. Even the drive to and from my house (rough and rocky roads, driving through creeks, basically getting freaking whiplash, etc.) has gotten so annoying to me. Like it makes me want to scream. At a road. For being rocky. And yes, I've cried about it.


      I'm honestly just relieved she said it was depression. When I first got it my freshman year, I think she didn't want to admit that I had it (because she's had it off and on too), so she kind of brushed it off. But this time I barely had to say anything. I also live with her now unlike last time, so she gets to see how... dull I am. That's a good word for depression. At least mine anyway. Dull. I just want to sleep and maybe cry about a few things or everything. But not a hard cry. Just some tears. I doubt I'll go an any medicine. Like I said, it's not as bad as it was before, and even then I wasn't to the point of having dangerous thoughts or anything like that. Just extreme melancholia. Right now I think just being able to talk to my mom about things will help, along with getting her to make me go outside and stuff. I don't think I'll be back to 100% until I move and settle in at film school, so I need to try to make these months suck a lot less than they potentially could.


      Which brings me to the next thing we talked about. Since I was about 14, I've been consistently watching YouTube videos and saying "I wanna make videos too one day." But for years, literally like seven years, I've always made an excuse not to. Who makes excuses not to do something they want to do?... Me. I'm that chum.


      I told my mom today about how I really want to start making videos (she's known for years but whatev) to kind of give me something to do in my free time. Something creative that'll get my mind off everything. She said "Well then do it." So then I started listing the excuses.

      • I really wanna lose x amount of weight before I start
      • I want my skin to be clearer
      • I want to be in a better place mentally
      • I want to be in a better place physically (like... geography)
      • I don't have a really nice camera

      Blah blah blah. And my mom just looked at me for a second, and then said something that she's said to me many times. If you keep waiting for everything to be perfect, you're never gonna get anything done. She said I should start making videos now, and let people watch as I get better, lose weight, get clearer skin, etc. if that's what I want to do. My videos aren't gonna be tutorials on how to be a perfect looking human being anyway, they're gonna consist of funny stuff that comes from my brain not my skin (or double chin huehue). I always knew that, but was scared to face my fears and do it. But at this point, I'm a motherfreaking 22 year old. I've been wanting to do this for almost A THIRD of my life. A THIRD. SO WHY DON'T I JUST MCFREAKING DO IT?!


      I'm never gonna think I look prefect. I'm never gonna have the clearest skin. My forehead will never not be a fivehead lol. But on the inside, though kind of chemically imbalanced at the moment, there are so many amazing ideas flowing through my brain. I literally have video ideas written down from when I was a freshman in high school. And some of them are actually still pretty hilarious.

      So... I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm sorry it's kind of all over the place. If you did read this whole thing, I hope you took something good out of it. Or at least laughed at all my hilarious jokes. Tomorrow I may read this, think it's dumb, and delete it. So congratz on possibly being a VIP and getting exclusive content. If you skipped to the end to see what in the world a person could talk about for so long, I'll leave you with this:


      TL;DR: I have depression again. I'm gonna start making YouTube videos now instead of waiting for the day that I look like a Greek goddess because that's never gonna happen (and I don't really I care anymore). I'm really motivated right now, but also kind of depressed so I might go to sleep and start tomorrow. Okay bye. :)

    • Dear Younger Me...

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      When I was younger, I thought I’d get married right out of high school. I didn’t just think that but I wanted it. Now that I’m older (I’ll be 23 this year), I can’t stop thinking about how glad I am that I didn’t do all that. I’m still in college, but finally starting film school this year. After that I’ll move somewhere awesome and start my career and I cannot wait.


      There are so many things that I would’ve missed out on if I was already married with kids, and I haven’t even done that much yet. Not that I’m hating on people who do get married and have kids pretty early. I’m just really glad I learned that there’s more to life that just that. That isn’t the only happy and fulfilling route.


      The older I get, the closer I get to a having career that I love. I'm turning into one of those people that I used to think was weird because they focused on their careers first, and if they did get married and had kids it was well into their thirties. I kind of can’t wait to be that. There’s always a slight chance I’ll get married earlier than I think, but until then, I’m so happy to be where I am and who I am. I'm constantly learning and changing, and I have freedom to do what I want.


      I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but it's just been on my mind a lot lately. Though complicated and way different than I thought it would turn out, I'm really happy with the direction my life is going. :D

    • Film School

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      I got in. Did you read that right? I GOT IN. They apparently do things very fast, so I got my acceptance letter today after they received my shot records on Monday. I think the only reason I'm not crying is because I literally just woke up. My dad went and checked the mail then came inside and laid the letter on my face to wake me up. He's weird.


      This has been about a year (actually my whole life) in the making. I can't explain how happy I am. <3


      Here's an example of my insides right now:

      elaine-ecstatic.gif

    • Monty ~

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      Thank you for showing me that nothing is impossible. For showing me that I should follow my dreams without hesitation. That I can do what I love and love what I do.


      I still have a long way to go, but you have taught me and many others that there's no reason to be idle. There's no reason to not do something because I don't feel ready, or because everything hasn't fallen perfectly into place. If I waited for that, I'd never get to do anything I wanted to do. You jumped so forcefully into each new project you had, and poured your heart and soul into everything you did.


      You are proof that even in a very finite amount of time, anyone has the power to make a huge impact on the world. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with us.

    • Progresssss Yesssss

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      Today I mailed the last bit of information needed to get an answer on whether or not I got into film school. I really shouldn't be as nervous as I am, because it's just another undergrad program at a pretty normal school. But I've had so many ups and downs in college, and it shows in my grades.


      My GPA is still a good bit above the cut-off for getting accepted, but I'm also scared they'll see how long I've been in school (and the fact that I've already transferred once before) and think "Nah, she's too indecisive." Yes, I am indecisive. Up until about a year ago, I thought that I could just get a steady, "practical" job (gross). Now I know what I want, and I'm gonna get it. Wow, that sounds threatening. I like it.


      Anyway, maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. But either way, I should know in the next few weeks if I'm going to film school or not. If I don't get in, there's a slight chance that I'll just run into the forest and raise a family of cats. Or I guess the responsible thing to do would be to start teaching myself and magically get a lot of experience, but that's kind of why I want to go to film school. I'll have triple the resources/connections there than I ever would on my own. And it honestly sounds amazing. On-campus studio, awesome elective classes (costume design? yes. stage makeup? YES), a legit public TV station on campus that you can intern at, etc.


      I'm so excited but I also kinda wanna puke. Wish me luck.

      43435_73464_gif-fake-happy-smile-gif_250


    • WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS JOURNAL IS ABOUT

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      LAZER TEAM DUH


      I'm sure this will be the 87th post you see about it today, but that's because it's amazing. It was such a fun movie to watch, especially in a big room full of RT family. And for some reason hearing my parents laugh along with us made me that much more proud. Hello parents, meet the people that have become a huge part of my life. Aren't they great and funny and talented?


      Anyway, without getting too sappy, I just want to say that I am, of course, incredibly proud of what Rooster Teeth did with this movie, and even more proud to be apart of this giant family. I've never felt such a connection with so many people I don't even know, until I found Rooster Teeth. I can't wait to see what else they have in store!

    • Tomorrow...

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      I'M SEEING LAZER TEAM IN THEATERS. With my parents, no less. I can't even explain how excited I am, but I'm sure you all feel the same. I'm also excited to see how my parents react to it. They've never watched a single second of Rooster Teeth (other than the trailer), but they've been hearing me blab about it for years. It's gonna blow their (our) MINDS.


      We're seeing it in Fayetteville, Arkansas, which is about 2 hours away, but we're leaving 7 hours before the movie starts so we can take our time and eat dinner once we get there (and because the thought of being late for/missing a movie will always give me anxiety, no matter what movie it is). <-- Now that's what I call a run-on sentence!


      Anyway, I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow night to freak out and scream into the void.

      Bye for now. :D

    • Sometimes I forget...

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      I forget just how amazing Rooster Teeth is, and then I'll see something they're working on and I say something along the lines of "HOLY OH MY GOD. HOW IN THE. I CAN'T BELIEVE. THIS IS FREAKING MAGICAL."


      On that note, I'm going to see Lazer Team on Wednesday, so this is just going to happen again in a few days. I'm probably gonna cry. And by probably, I mean most definitely, for sure, 100%. With the biggest grin on my face.


      theoffice_michaelscott_crying.gif


      PS - Sorry I'm such a cheesy wad of emotions.

    • Well, this is awkward.

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      Today at work, I got to stand awkwardly in a corner while my boss and two co-workers talked about the following things:

      • "Bernie Sanders is gonna destroy the economy if he actually raises minimum wage to $15."
      • "Most people don't deserve to make $15 an hour anyway." Oh how nice of you.
      • "Having a part-time job means you have a problem unless your're under 18."
      • "Bernie Sanders is just trying to get 'college-age' people to vote for him because they're stupid and gullible."
      • "'College-age' people haven't lived long enough to know what's good for our country."
      • "They shouldn't even be able to vote."
      • "'College-age' people are stupid."
      • They seriously said that several times.


      Hello, my name is Allie. I am in college. I am also 22 years old with a part time job. Apparently we haven't met even though we work together. HAHA.


      hdch.gif

      Bernie, save us. Save us from the baby boomers.

    • Guardian 2016

      3 years ago

      allieSchwims

      I somehow managed to react even more dramatically this year than I did last year. And last year I legitimately started crying and freaked my parents out, so I'll just leave this year's reaction to your imagination. Get creative.


      Also, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


      I can't wait. <3

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