First of all, my life is not relying on anyone reading this, because I would look at something this long and run in fear. That's what.. she... never mind. I just like putting my thoughts into a post on a site full of pretty cool and understanding people.
Unfortunately, I'm feeling stuck again. And though I still think what I said about being happy with the direction my life is going is true, I can't shake the "stuck" feeling.
I had a long talk with my mom today, and like most of our talks, she knew exactly what to say, and knew what I was going to say before I said it. I started with how emotional I've been lately. I'm already a pretty emotional person, but for a few weeks I've been extremely emotional. I've cried at least six or seven times a day about anything and everything. Happy things, sad things, frustrating things, cute things, etc.
My mom has noticed it, and before I could get the words out of my mouth during our talk, she said she thinks my depression is back. It's definitely not as bad as it was years ago, but the situation of suddenly moving to a tiny town for a year yet having so many things to look forward to like film school has really gotten to me. Even the drive to and from my house (rough and rocky roads, driving through creeks, basically getting freaking whiplash, etc.) has gotten so annoying to me. Like it makes me want to scream. At a road. For being rocky. And yes, I've cried about it.
I'm honestly just relieved she said it was depression. When I first got it my freshman year, I think she didn't want to admit that I had it (because she's had it off and on too), so she kind of brushed it off. But this time I barely had to say anything. I also live with her now unlike last time, so she gets to see how... dull I am. That's a good word for depression. At least mine anyway. Dull. I just want to sleep and maybe cry about a few things or everything. But not a hard cry. Just some tears. I doubt I'll go an any medicine. Like I said, it's not as bad as it was before, and even then I wasn't to the point of having dangerous thoughts or anything like that. Just extreme melancholia. Right now I think just being able to talk to my mom about things will help, along with getting her to make me go outside and stuff. I don't think I'll be back to 100% until I move and settle in at film school, so I need to try to make these months suck a lot less than they potentially could.
Which brings me to the next thing we talked about. Since I was about 14, I've been consistently watching YouTube videos and saying "I wanna make videos too one day." But for years, literally like seven years, I've always made an excuse not to. Who makes excuses not to do something they want to do?... Me. I'm that chum.
I told my mom today about how I really want to start making videos (she's known for years but whatev) to kind of give me something to do in my free time. Something creative that'll get my mind off everything. She said "Well then do it." So then I started listing the excuses.
- I really wanna lose x amount of weight before I start
- I want my skin to be clearer
- I want to be in a better place mentally
- I want to be in a better place physically (like... geography)
- I don't have a really nice camera
Blah blah blah. And my mom just looked at me for a second, and then said something that she's said to me many times. If you keep waiting for everything to be perfect, you're never gonna get anything done. She said I should start making videos now, and let people watch as I get better, lose weight, get clearer skin, etc. if that's what I want to do. My videos aren't gonna be tutorials on how to be a perfect looking human being anyway, they're gonna consist of funny stuff that comes from my brain not my skin (or double chin huehue). I always knew that, but was scared to face my fears and do it. But at this point, I'm a motherfreaking 22 year old. I've been wanting to do this for almost A THIRD of my life. A THIRD. SO WHY DON'T I JUST MCFREAKING DO IT?!
I'm never gonna think I look prefect. I'm never gonna have the clearest skin. My forehead will never not be a fivehead lol. But on the inside, though kind of chemically imbalanced at the moment, there are so many amazing ideas flowing through my brain. I literally have video ideas written down from when I was a freshman in high school. And some of them are actually still pretty hilarious.
So... I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm sorry it's kind of all over the place. If you did read this whole thing, I hope you took something good out of it. Or at least laughed at all my hilarious jokes. Tomorrow I may read this, think it's dumb, and delete it. So congratz on possibly being a VIP and getting exclusive content. If you skipped to the end to see what in the world a person could talk about for so long, I'll leave you with this:
TL;DR: I have depression again. I'm gonna start making YouTube videos now instead of waiting for the day that I look like a Greek goddess because that's never gonna happen (and I don't really I care anymore). I'm really motivated right now, but also kind of depressed so I might go to sleep and start tomorrow. Okay bye. :)