here ever read a library except me?
11 years agobeardedragon
A teenage girl goes to the doctor. He places a stethoscope against
her chest and says, "Big breaths."
She answers, "Yeth, thir, and I'm only thixteen."
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she
wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The
clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.
All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my
Breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager
who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return
the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not
give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that
She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting
A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to
go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks
the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says.
Well, strip down to your waist." he orders.
He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says,
"No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt...But I'm glad I came."
A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts.
So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his
"I am going to do word association," explained the doctor.
"I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing
that come to your mind."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges,
apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers?
Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy...one on the left and one on the right!"
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...
In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no
passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl...
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional...
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability...
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got
excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition...
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was
so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned...
Now all I want is a girl with big breasts...
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a
stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next
to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs
her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous
woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's
blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra,
he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples
stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still
massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such
a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting,
"Rubber balloons...Rubber balloons!!"
In several states, there are restaurants called Hooters. They only
employ female wait staff, who are rather scantily clad. My girlfriend
and I were eating at an outdoor restaurant right next to a Hooters.
This one rather tan waitress came to take this guy's order, and she
leaned as far forward as she could, offering him a view of her
My girlfriend asked, "What do you think her tips are like?"
My response, "Probably a little darker than the rest of her."
11 years agobeardedragon
Thats all you get.
You get to ask me 1 question.
any one question,
no matter how crazy it is.
ANY 1 question!!
I promise to answer it truthfully.
The catch is,
you have to repost this
and see what people ask you.
So go for it.
11 years agobeardedragon
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to
them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through t he sight in the
! direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The ****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save! you a
12 years agobeardedragon
Is Hell Endo or exothermic?
A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a
graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored
with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humour, he set
a single question on the sheet:
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results,
but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a
reasonable and consistant reply to his querry. One A was awarded.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have
some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.
So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls
entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in
the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant. There are two possible conditions. One, if hell is
expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell,
then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially
until all hell breaks loose. Conversely, if hell is expanding at a
rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature
and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the
girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since
I have still not been sucessful in obtaining sexual relations with
her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be
concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
The student got an A.
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at
the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out
new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination
was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor
was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his
desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
One half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said,
as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
A half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who
was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to
put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.
The rules at a particular university were if the professor was not
present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was
considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave with no
penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped"
ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. Also, these clocks
were not of the most sophisticated construction. A few enterprising
students discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock (since a particular professor was not
the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-
minded"). A few well aimed erasers, causing 15 minutes to pass, and
class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the students,
"You have 1 hour to complete."
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the
room, and gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully
"jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected
the exam papers.
Life does teach some lessons the hard way.
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