So I wanted to let everyone know that I am not a coffee machine. I am currently earning my lumps and my rights as an individual are not recognized within the office.
I am a real person. My name is Jesse Wilk. I was born and raised in Bend, Oregon. I currently attend The University of Texas at Austin pursuing a degree in Electronic Media. I had not heard of Roosterteeth or RedvsBlue until I saw the premier of Revelation at the Alamo draft house with some friends. After seeing what these guys did, I started watching the older episodes and quickly became a fan. A week later I took a chance and emailed Burnie asking him if he had any intern spots or part-time work available. I'm not heading home for the summer and wanted to get a job where I could get earn school credit, experience, and possibly a paycheck.
I heard back from him a week later saying they had decided to give me a shot on a part-time basis. There are a few newer guys here but I am now the "newest new guy". Also I am on a 90-day probationary period. This means they can let me go at any moment for no reason. So those asking about my "staff" bar and all that: I won't get it for another...85 days. That's 85 business days, not 85 calendar days.
Gus and Geoff don't think I am going to make it. They tell me so all day long. Do you remember that scene in Fight Club, with the "space monkeys" standing on the porch? Gus and Geoff are like Brad Pitt and Ed Norton. Every. Day.
I was told by Burnie and Matt on my first day that I would have to make everyone's coffee, every day, for 90 days. No matter what I am doing, I have to stop and get them coffee. But the first job I was tasked with was getting the new coffee maker. Burnie gave me $80 and a piece of paper with an address and told me to go buy the coffee maker. The address was just a few blocks from the office so I walked. When I got to the address, I called Burnie:
Me: Is this address right?
Me: This isn't a store.
Burnie: What is it?
Me: It's someplace called "The Rainbow Cattle Company". I...I think it's a gay bar.
Burnie: Wow. I was completely unaware of this fact. This is news. New news even.
Me: I don't think they sell coffee makers
Burnie: We found it on craigslist, dummy. Just get in there and buy it. Ask for a guy named Carebear. And hurry up. We're all waiting for our coffee. *click
I go in. I ask for CareBear. This 6'2, 250 pound leather and body hair covered guy in a really tiny hat comes out from the back room. "You Jesse?" he asked. I said yes. He put the coffeemaker on the counter and said "You know, Jesse is a very pretty name."
My face went red-hot and I started to shake a little. I couldn't speak. I am not a homophobe or anything, this was just a really uncomfortable situation for me. I pulled the money from my pocket and handed it to him without a word. I couldn't speak. He gave me the coffee maker and a few V.I.P. passes for "myself and any other cute boys I might know with feminine names". I got back to the office. Burnie asked me how it went. I told him fine. I wasn't going to tell them anything that happened.
Later that day, Burnie called a meeting in the conference room. He said he wanted to show us all a sample of some new project he had been working on. The lights went down. And guess what we watched?
Apparently, they had one of the bartenders record the whole encounter/transaction/nightmare on video.
85 business days to go.....