cuisinart

Male
from Austin, TX

  • Activity

    • You wouldn't get this from any other guy

      9 years ago

      cuisinart
      I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
      Gotta make you understand.


      This is the account for the Cuisinart Coffee Maker in the RT offices. It is an account for a coffee robot. There is no Jesse Wilk. I am under direct orders to end this nonsense. This isn't even my account.

      I enjoyed writing that journal. I made the whole thing up. I should be in the hazing business. Hope you were entertained.

      Later,
      smiley12.gif
      The person who wrote these journals

    • Hazing

      9 years ago

      cuisinart

      So I wanted to let everyone know that I am not a coffee machine. I am currently earning my lumps and my rights as an individual are not recognized within the office.

      I am a real person. My name is Jesse Wilk. I was born and raised in Bend, Oregon. I currently attend The University of Texas at Austin pursuing a degree in Electronic Media. I had not heard of Roosterteeth or RedvsBlue until I saw the premier of Revelation at the Alamo draft house with some friends. After seeing what these guys did, I started watching the older episodes and quickly became a fan. A week later I took a chance and emailed Burnie asking him if he had any intern spots or part-time work available. I'm not heading home for the summer and wanted to get a job where I could get earn school credit, experience, and possibly a paycheck.

      I heard back from him a week later saying they had decided to give me a shot on a part-time basis. There are a few newer guys here but I am now the "newest new guy". Also I am on a 90-day probationary period. This means they can let me go at any moment for no reason. So those asking about my "staff" bar and all that: I won't get it for another...85 days. That's 85 business days, not 85 calendar days.

      Gus and Geoff don't think I am going to make it. They tell me so all day long. Do you remember that scene in Fight Club, with the "space monkeys" standing on the porch? Gus and Geoff are like Brad Pitt and Ed Norton. Every. Day.

      I was told by Burnie and Matt on my first day that I would have to make everyone's coffee, every day, for 90 days. No matter what I am doing, I have to stop and get them coffee. But the first job I was tasked with was getting the new coffee maker. Burnie gave me $80 and a piece of paper with an address and told me to go buy the coffee maker. The address was just a few blocks from the office so I walked. When I got to the address, I called Burnie:


      Burnie: What?
      Me: Is this address right?
      Burnie: Yes.
      Me: This isn't a store.
      Burnie: What is it?
      Me: It's someplace called "The Rainbow Cattle Company". I...I think it's a gay bar.
      Burnie: Wow. I was completely unaware of this fact. This is news. New news even.
      Me: I don't think they sell coffee makers
      Burnie: We found it on craigslist, dummy. Just get in there and buy it. Ask for a guy named Carebear. And hurry up. We're all waiting for our coffee. *click


      I go in. I ask for CareBear. This 6'2, 250 pound leather and body hair covered guy in a really tiny hat comes out from the back room. "You Jesse?" he asked. I said yes. He put the coffeemaker on the counter and said "You know, Jesse is a very pretty name."

      My face went red-hot and I started to shake a little. I couldn't speak. I am not a homophobe or anything, this was just a really uncomfortable situation for me. I pulled the money from my pocket and handed it to him without a word. I couldn't speak. He gave me the coffee maker and a few V.I.P. passes for "myself and any other cute boys I might know with feminine names". I got back to the office. Burnie asked me how it went. I told him fine. I wasn't going to tell them anything that happened.

      Later that day, Burnie called a meeting in the conference room. He said he wanted to show us all a sample of some new project he had been working on. The lights went down. And guess what we watched?

      Apparently, they had one of the bartenders record the whole encounter/transaction/nightmare on video.

      85 business days to go.....
      smiley2.gif

    • Sup?

      9 years ago

      cuisinart

      I'm new here, just trying to do the best job I can!

    • 2019 years ago

      cuisinart
  • Comments (196)

    • moochicken

      7 years ago

      Your still my favorite staff member.

    • monopoly_j

      7 years ago

      1.gif

      I just want to take this time to wish you a very Merry Christmas!

      393536_308023245897346_100000690188684_1

      The Reason for the Season!

      merry_christmas_6.gif

      barlites02.gif

    • Angus314 FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

    • Hayk

      7 years ago

      Happy FU day.

    • SailorTweek FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold RTX Head Guardian

      7 years ago

      Happy Featured User Day to the best coffee maker ever! smiley13.gif

    • CABOOSHyay

      7 years ago

      Happy FU!!

    • The_Hybrid FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Happy FU Day!

    • gooseberry

      7 years ago

      HAPPY FUUUUU!!

    • Pengapop

      7 years ago

      Happy Featured User day!!

    • mrjakgray FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Happy FU Day!!! (can you get me a deal on a new blender?)

    • snakefella Narcissistic Mad Man

      7 years ago

      Love the journal you and Happy FU day

    • Patrick

      7 years ago

      This is the oddest RT account ever... Oh well. Happy FU!!

    • void165

      7 years ago

      Congrats on getting FU-ed!!!!

    • TiberiusVIII FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Pizza 4 Life

      7 years ago

      HAPPY FU DAY!

    • Louise

      7 years ago

      Last signed in, 1 year ago. Haha still. Happy featured user day!

    • jgordon210

      7 years ago

      Congrats on being today's FU!

    • HBogo FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Happy FU Day!!!

    • kelevra16

      7 years ago

      Happy Featured User?

      Okay, so this puts some things in perspective. Those who have been Featured users are equivalent to Coffee Machines (I guess you could say these people are the most hyper and active people on the site).

      And those who haven't been Featured users are classed beneath the coffee machine...

      one day, Rooster Teeth community... one day.

    • jennifejz

      7 years ago

      FU!! :D

    • CannibalCake FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      7 years ago

      Goddamit!! the Coffee Machine got FUed before I did! This sucks!

    • reaper86

      7 years ago

      The goddamn coffee machine got Featured User!? That's freakin' awesome, haha.

      Gratz, Cuisinart. May you brew as strong as ever on this the day of your Featured Userness.

    • theiviaster

      7 years ago

      Congrats featured user!

    • MrVash

      7 years ago

      Congrats on being Featured User!

    • Jcach

      7 years ago

      Congrats Featured User!

    • moochicken

      7 years ago

      Your still my favorite RT staff member.

    • BassSpy FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      8 years ago

      It was an honor meeting you at RTX. This is the best picture I could get before security escorted me out.
      IMAG0176.jpg

    • mckev7

      8 years ago

      we never talk anymore... everything ok at the office?

      Is Burnie touching you in all the wrong places?

    • monopoly_j

      8 years ago

      1.gif

      ...............Luke 2:1-20
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      Merry Christmas From Monopoly_J

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      Christmas%20Cross%20Ball.jpg

      barlites02.gif

    • jazzyinu

      8 years ago

      Anyone wonder who pays the coffee makers sponsor account?

    • royalcrown24

      9 years ago

      hmm...so....do you come with steam?

      File does not exist.

    • ozean717

      9 years ago

      So Cuisinart, make any good coffee lately?

    • HaloGirl119

      9 years ago

      How is this guy a sponsor? Is he on welfare or something and giving his whole paycheck to RT? Wow. Hardcore fan I guess.

    • ujstgtsrged

      9 years ago

      Never go to Jack's house, (I hear stuff can go 'missing' there).

    • cknapp151

      9 years ago

      Hey anybody else wonder why the coffee maker is a sponsor?

      Because he gives his entire paycheck to Rooster teeth, Hes a real man.

    • The_Narbiter FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      9 years ago

      Hey anybody else wonder why the coffee maker is a sponsor?

    • Ater_Dremora

      9 years ago

      I knew you were real.

    • greiton FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      9 years ago

      so who or what are you???

    • Kempob

      9 years ago

      Hey I'm not really a coffee guy. It sobers me up. Can you dispense, like, vodka or rum? It does not sober me up.

    • mckev7

      9 years ago

      I know you're the right machine for the job... I just really wanted more than you, lame.

    • adswellfit

      9 years ago

      good luck. although i did find it quite amusing that RT hired a coffee machine would have been epic

    • JJBrazman

      9 years ago

      They responded to an email, and it got you a job?

      Wow; that's pretty cool; I've never had an email replied to.

      It's nice to hear that you're not a coffee maker, and good luck; you can beat Gus and Geoff if you try!

    • LadyRocki

      9 years ago

      Welcome to RT, Jesse! Glad to know you're not a coffee maker....?

      85 More days in the RT circus. Don't know to call you lucky or feel sorry for you. Either way, it will be an experience you will never forget.

    • caroger7795

      9 years ago

      oh god i want to see the video of him getting the coffee machine. That'd be so fucking priceless

    • Spencerawr

      9 years ago

      so uh, you just asked and they just hired you?
      has no one else seriously thought of that?

    • UglyDog20

      9 years ago

      Good job on the job.

    • MerchGuySteve FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold TARDIS

      9 years ago

      I DEMAND COFFEE!

    • Tasani

      9 years ago

      Nice job! You know that your a coffee drinker when you slam a guy who wants decafe. Our work here is done.

    • ShadowStylez FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      9 years ago

      Sup.

    • cuisinart

      9 years ago

      can i have an decafe, 2 sugars with milk plz


      Get that decaf shit outta my face before I smack you in your face. Also, I just supply the coffee, put your own crap in it. I'm not a god damned sugar and milk machine for Christ's sake.

    • Dekkufour

      9 years ago

      can i have an decafe, 2 sugars with milk plz

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