So, I was up late last night flipping channels. Well, okay, not that late. I did get to bed by 1:00, but that's because my wife had to get up for work today and I have to be the one to wake her up because she can't hear the alarm clock (long story... almost as long as this journal entry).
Anyway, first I got stuck watching "The Andy Milonackis-or-however-you-spell-the-stupid-fat-kid's-name Show", and I can't believe I actually sat through it. What the hell happened to sketch comedy recently that we are now stuck with crappy SNL episodes, shit like this, and things like Stella (Comedy Central, Michael Ian Black [who I hate anyway]). I chuckled exactly once, and I think that was only because he got so retarded that it was funny for a brief second. Otherwise, a complete waste of time.
After that I was flipping channels and stopped on BET because the end of an R. Kelly video was on, and they had (I swear to God... I couldn't believe it either) blurred out a gun in his hand. Yes, that's right. They blurred out the gun. I was stunned for a second, because it was the stupidest thing I think I'd ever seen. The video was practically over, and the title came on. "Trapped in the Closet, Part 1 of 5". I thought that was a little weird, but it was R. Kelly and I didn't care, so I kept flipping channels. When I got to VH1, I saw what looked like the same video, but a little farther along in the story. I thought "hmm... must be Part 2" and there was nothing else on, so I watched it. And part 3, and part 4, and part 5, all in a row, because that's what VH1 wanted to do.
The full title of this train-wreck-on-video was "R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, an Urban Opera". Yes, an "Urban Opera". It was horrible. I'll give you the short version that will sadly ruin all of the surprises for you so you don't have to waste 20 minutes of your life on it. R. Kelly's cheating on his girl with a chick he picked up at a club. Chick's man comes home and finds R. Kelly hiding in the closet. Man says "no, that's okay, because look, I'm cheating on you too" and calls up his boyfriend, who shows up at the house. There's a lot of bad dialogue next with R. Kelly waving a gun around (not blurred out by VH1... how sad is that?), who then calls his house where a man answers the phone. He speeds home, getting pulled over by a cop in the process, and gets home to find his girl in the shower, who gives him a story about how her brother came home today, and that was who answered the phone. Well he feels so bad that he throws her on the bed and starts going at it... with all his clothes on, while she's completely naked. She's getting all into it, he's still fully clothed, and the dialogue stops matching the acting, which makes it the worst "sex scene" ever. In rolling around, he finds a condom wrapper on the bed, which he knows isn't his, and the whole stupid thing ends with them arguing and her telling him that she's friends with the girl he was with, the girl's husband, AND the cop that pulled him over.
If that isn't confusing enough, there's also apparently part 6-10 coming soon. I know I'll be waiting with baited breath. Honest. The worst part of the whole thing is that the ending was done so fast I didn't catch it all, so when I was flipping channels again and BET was showing the whole block for apparently the second time, I actually watched the stupid shit again just to catch the ending and make sure it really was stupid and didn't have some hidden meaning I might have missed.
The only good thing I can say about it is that the acting by everyone in the video, except R. Kelly who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag, was actually pretty good and made it just good enough to not flip the channel because the story was rediculous and the lyrics were just plain bad. He sung every word, with every switch in character dialogue starting with "he said" or "she said", which was incredibly irritating during arguments... wait, they were all arguments. He even sang the sound of the police sirens. It was just... bad.
So, now, I hope I have sufficiently saved the rest of you from having to watch this piece of garbage. And, I would like to apologize to the black community on behalf of all rap videos and BET, because we know that not all of you run drugs and spend your lives seeing how many people you can cheat on your woman/man with, or spend all your time up in the club gettin' your freak on. We know that's only the Jerry Springer class of people in your culture, and I wish I could apologize for them, but I don't like being associated with those people in any culture.
As someone who spent a good chunk of his growin' up years in the ghetto, and as one of 3 white kids in his high school, I'd like to finish this entry by saing that Bill Cosby is 100% right, and I still think R. Kelly is an idiot.
Maybe I should write an "urban opera"....