I Am Canadian
I Would Walk 500 Miles
Im On MY Way
I Am Anthem
after lock out
Im So Mad At My BF
Canadians Are Polite?
Don't Drink And Drive
12 years agoevilcanadian
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too. Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not an Avalanche fan," she retorts. "Then," asks her teacher, "what are you?" "IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m a proud Canucks fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Vancouver fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Canucks fans, so IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m a Canucks fan too," she responds. The teacher is now angry. "ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" "Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d be an Avalanche fan."
3 Hockey fans were drinking in Saudi Arabia which is penalized by death there so the 3 men were sent to death row. The next day the jail keeper comes into their cells and says "because of our national holiday we will not kill you but we will whip you 100 times," and he leads them outside onto a platform in the largest plaza. The man with the whip tells the Nashville Predators fan that because his team made the playoffs for the first time ever that he gets 1 wish. The Predators fan wishes that the punisher attatch a pillow to his back so it will absorb the whipping but after 30 lashes the pillow breaks making the fan suffer 70 lashes. After surviving he leaves and the Colorado Avalanche fan is sent up and he also gets 1 wish but he wishes that he has 2 pillows attatched to his back. However the pillows break after 60 lashes making him suffer 40 lashes. Lastly its the Vancouver Canucks fan's turn but the punisher says "because you have the loyalest and best fans in Vancouver you may have 2 wishes". The Canucks fan does'nt hesitate and immediatly replies " I wish to get 200 lashes of the whip." The punisher replies "very courageose but whats your second wish the Canucks fan replies "I wish that you attach the Colorado Avalanche fan to my back."
Q) What's the difference between a cigaratte vending machine and the Calgary Flames?
A) The cigaratte machine has players!
12 years agoevilcanadian
Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemiex and Steve Yserman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair and says to Lemiex "MArio what do yo beleive in?"
"I beleive hockeys is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history"
To that god says "take the seat to my left and Steve what do you beleive in?"
"I beleive bravery is the best"
To that god says "take the seat to my Right and Wayne what do you beleive in?"
"I beleive youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re sitting in my seat"
A child stands in court before a judge. His parents are divorcing and the judge is asking him which parent he would like to live with. "Would you like to live with your mother?" the judge asks. "No! she beats me every night i dont want to live with her!". So the judge says "Ok, you can go live with your dad then." the child replies "No! he beats me every night as well! i dont want to live with him!" and the judge replies "Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".
The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"
One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Ottawa and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city."
Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Ottawa native,
"Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?"
The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Ottawa. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the young man jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting:
"The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" hecontinued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leafs or Jays fan."What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.
A Canadian peacekeeper is walking in a desert when he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie. The genie promises to give him 1 wish. The peacekeeper thinks hard and finally takes out a map. He points at the region where he's from and says all he wants is to have peace in that region. "Wow," the genie says, "that's a tough one. Do you have anything else?" The peacekeeper thinks a moment and says: "How about the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup?" to which the genie replies: "Let me see that map again."
Maple Leafs officials announced yesterday in Toronto that the hockey club would begin wearing brown uniforms next year. Apparently, Leafs do change colours when they fall.
Little David was in Grade 5 when his teacher asked all the kids what their fathers did for a living. The typical answers came up: doctor, fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher called on him to answer. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is reallt good, he''ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher was so shaken by this that she quickly gave the kids colouring to do while taking David outside with her. "Is that really true about your father?" She asked. "No," David replid, "He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarassed to say that in front of the other kids."
An Edmonton Oilers fan, a St. Louis Blues fan, a Detroit Red Wings fan, and a Colorado Avalanche fan climbed to the top of Mount Everest. They looked over the edge in wonder. Then the Oilers fan shouts, "This is for the Oilers!" and jumps off the cliff. Well, the St. Louis fan, not wanting to be outdone, shouts, "This is for the Blues!" and jumps to his death.
Seeing the trend, the Avalanche fan looks around for a moment. Then he walks behind the Red Wings fan, gives him a big shove off the mountain and yells, "This is for hockey fans everywhere!"
13 years agoevilcanadian
DICTIONARY OF DATING
ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
MARRIAGE ADVICE BY KIDS
(As answered by elementary school students)
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
What is the Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10
13 years agoevilcanadian
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.
During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Edit:I'll be Adding more jokes and hopefully not get banned
Crude Sex Jokes
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Edit More Jokes
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
13 years agoevilcanadian
My Results Are
You Are Barney
You could have been an intellectual leader...
Instead, your whole life is an homage to beer
You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps
Your life philosophy: "There's nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem."
The Simpsons Personality Test
13 years agoevilcanadian
My Results Go To www.Myspace.comEvilCanuck To see MY Results
Overall: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
How Liberal / Conservative Are You?
13 years agoevilcanadian
There were three ladies that worked together; a brunette a redhead and a blonde.
One day the brunette walked in and said, "Your not gonna believe this but last night I was looking under my daughters bed and found a case of beer. I'm so disappointed in my daughter. I had no idea she drank."
The next day the red head walked into work and said, "Your not gonna believe this but last night I was going through my daughterÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s clothes and found a bag of marijuana. I'm so disappointed in my daughter. I had no idea she did drugs.Ã¢â‚¬Â
The next day the blonde walks into work and she says, "You guys are really not gonna believe this but last night I was going through my daughterÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s drawer and found a box of condoms. I had no idea she had a penis.Ã¢â‚¬Â
2019 years agoevilcanadian
2019 years agoevilcanadian
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