grail

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from Canada

  • Activity

    • todays (classic)

      9 years ago

      grail

      You Know You're In Trouble When...

      ...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

      ...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

      ...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

      ...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

      ...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

      ...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

      ...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

      ...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Foreign Signs

      1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
      LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

      2. At a Budapest zoo:
      PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

      3. Doctor's office in Rome:
      SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

      4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
      COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

      5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
      CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

      6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
      NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

      7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
      OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

      8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:
      SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

      9. Hotel, Japan:
      YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

      10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
      YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

      11. Hotel, Zurich:
      BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

      12. Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
      TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

      13. A laundry in Rome:
      LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

      14. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
      TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

      15. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
      WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

      16. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
      GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

      17. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
      WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

      18. In a Japanese cemetery:
      PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

    • todays (classic)

      9 years ago

      grail

      10 Laws That Prove The World Is Nuts


      Published by djmick on March 2nd, 2009



      In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
      prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
      only see their reflection in a mirror.

      (Do they look different reversed?)

      Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
      applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
      with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

      (A brick?)

      The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

      (Much worse than 'going blind!')

      There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
      and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
      for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
      for virgins to marry.

      (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
      world that even comes close to this?)

      In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
      husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit
      lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

      (Ah! Justice!)

      Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
      tropical fish stores.

      (But of course!)

      In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
      first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
      act.

      (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

      In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
      and her daughter at the same time.

      (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
      law?)

      In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to do things with animals that I
      just don't want to write about here, however the animals must be female.
      Having a bit of 'hows your father' with a male animal is punishable by
      death.

      (Like THAT makes sense.)

      In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
      with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
      machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
      consumption on the premises.'

      (Is America a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father.

      Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

      Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

      Mommy, Mommy! The milk man's here; Have you got the money or should I go out and play?

      Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running? Shut up and reload.

      Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas!

      Come upstairs, son, like a good boy. No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.

      Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!

      Mommy, Mommy! Where did your scabs go? Shut up and eat your corn flakes!

      Mommy, Mommy! It's dark down here! Shut up or I'll flush it again!

      Mommy, Mommy! I'm getting dizzy. Shut up or I'll nail your other foot down!

      Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush the toilet!

      Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts. Shut up kid and keep eating.

      Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with Grandma? Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last week!

      Mommy, Mommy! Why am I so ugly? Shut up kid and comb your face.

      Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven!

      Mommy, Mommy!! What's a lesbian? Go ask your father, she'll know.

      Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. Shut up, Albert....

      Mommy, Mommy, I hate tomato soup! shut up son, we only have it once a month!

      Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me. Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

      Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!

      Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin!

      Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

      Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month.

      Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging.

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

      1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

      2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

      3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

      4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

      5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

      6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

      7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

      8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

      9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

      10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

      11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

      12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

      13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

      14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

      15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

      16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

      17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

      18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

      19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

      20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Here is the official unit conversion chart for engineers...

      1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

      2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

      3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

      4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

      5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

      6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

      7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

      8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

      9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

      10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

      11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

      12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

      13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

      14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

      15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

      16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

      17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

      18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

      19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

      20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

      21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

      22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

      23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

      24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

      25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

      26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

    • todays (classic)

      9 years ago

      grail

      Children's Books

      Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association

      Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

      Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose

      The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad

      The Tickling Babysitter

      A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides

      Charles Manson Bedtime Stories

      Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

      Babar Becomes a Piano

      Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

      David Duke's World of Imagination

      Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

      The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

      Legends of Scab Football

      Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina

      Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

      Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them

      Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse

      Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

      Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes

      The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers

      You Were an Accident

      Strangers Have the Best Candy

      The Little Sissy Who Snitched

      Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

      When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It

      Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

      What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

      Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

      Bi-Curious George

      Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

      Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

      You Are Different and That's Bad

      Dad's New Wife Timothy

      Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

      Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets

      Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates

      Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Signs Of The Times

      Apartment building sign:
      "No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby."

      Bar sign:
      "Lunch now being poured."

      Chinese Laundry sign:
      "We don't tear your clothes with clumsy machinery - we do it carefully by hand."

      Church sign:
      "You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore this notice."

      Divorce Lawyer's door:
      "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."

      Miss Piggy's sign:
      "Never eat more than you can lift."

      Newspaper headline:
      "County officials talk rubbish."

      Plumber's sign:
      "Do it yourself. Then call us before it's too late."

      Psychiatrist advertisement:
      "A cure guaranteed or your mania back."

      Restaurant Diner sign:
      "Everything comes to him who orders hash."

      Restaurant Sign:
      "Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves."

      Scottish Golf Course sign:
      "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."

      Teamwork sign:
      "Only dead fish swim with the stream."

      Truck sign:
      "Pass with care - I chew tobacco."

      Orthopedic Surgeon sign:
      "Never accept a drink from a urologist."

      Taxidermist sign:
      "If called by a panther, don't anther."

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Drugs In Cartoons

      10. Gargamel, most likely on LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

      9. Olive Oyl, probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny? She might even be anorexic. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.

      8. Snagglepuss (Is this even spelled right?), can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

      7. HeMan, this is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. 'BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!' Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.

      6 and 5. Yogi and Boo Boo, we all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.

      4. Droopy, the number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

      3. Dopey Dwarf, he openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.

      2. Daffy Duck, if he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from 'daffiness' but Haladol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.

      1. Shaggy, by far the number one suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot. Scooby is guilty by association. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!

    • todays

      9 years ago

      grail

      Murphy's Laws of Computing

      1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
      2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
      3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
      4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
      5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
      6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
      7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
      8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
      9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
      10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
      11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

  • Comments (2296)

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      YES SIR WHAT A GREAT GAME@!

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      lol, that's my screen name that i'm going by

      heh, thought the whole thing would make me sound more directorish, lmao

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      something funny about my name, punk ? [smile8]

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      *shrugs*

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      ok...

      What?

      Speaking in code like that is fun. ^_^

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      why does everyone think I'm a vampire? XD

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      yesh! ^_^ I do feel loved :P

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      just be perfect and everything will be fine. :P

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      ya, was a kick ass game, tonight they play the Flyers...i'm gunna miss it though.

    • DarthMario95

      13 years ago

      DarthMariohappyholidayscopy.jpg

    • grunthos2

      13 years ago

      put that in your profile

      Grunthos' Encyclopedia Grail entry:

      Grail is a old guy who has mad investigator skills. He has a hot wife, which they've spawned four male Jedi.......and train them all in SW geekage. Grail may be old and crotchity.........but he still has a hot wife.

    • muellertime

      13 years ago

      no skills required to be funny....just be creative!

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      Gotta have a little action in the beginning ya kno smiley8.gif

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      I havn't had a chance to watch it this season. But I have heard such great things. I plan on buying it on DVD when it comes out.

      I don't get how they will continue the season though?

    • shaardan

      13 years ago

      You have no idea. She was sending out more mixed, convoluted signals than the bullfighting channel.

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      making up for missed journals arent we...

      yesh :P

    • Psychoblonde

      13 years ago

      untitled2.jpg

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      i watched at work! they destroyed them!

      8-2!!!

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      .. I mean... :o

      v

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      not again...

      One day you'll forget and fill it out! >=D

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I hope it works out soon... but thanks! :)

    • PUSHPOP

      13 years ago

      thanks2004.jpg

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      kinda kept an open mind for casting when I wrote it.

      though Christian Bale would be sweet smiley8.gif

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      nice!! Deils just got 3 quick goals end of the first period!

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      lol, i swear, i never saw the "color" bar lmao

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      poster girl for sprite...

      It's the only think that tastes okay to drink around here. >.<

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      Just order pizza to your room

      I live in a dorm and people who don't live in this dorm... are not allowed inside. UNLESS we're there with them, watching them every second. *rolls eyes*

    • grunthos2

      13 years ago

      grail.............when your tired of sex, you'll know how he feels

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      very much so :(

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      mooo ^___^

    • solicemoon FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold

      13 years ago

      shoot.gif

    • lukemckay FIRST Member Star(s) Indication of membership status - One star is a FIRST member, two stars is Double Gold Webcomic Maker

      13 years ago

      hey, you live in Clearbrook - you know I lived in Clearbrook, just off Clearbrook road, until I was three - then we moved to Abbostford (big move) but I lived there and went to school at Cornerstone Christian School until I was seventeen - I moved back to Abbostford after a few years and went to UCFV in Abbostford for a few years. I have a lot of friends still there about our age. Do you come from Abbostford? did you just move there? we might have a few friends in common

      award2.jpg

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I don't have a flashlight...

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      sorry... I was just reminising. XD

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      they had some really gay breaks that game. they should have won

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      they are taking far too many penalties

    • GirlAverage

      13 years ago

      Der.... X3

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      not on this computer, umm when I get back to my comp at school i'll send them, send ya the whole albums, they rock

    • GirlAverage

      13 years ago

      LMAO! a little better. :p
      smiley12.gif

    • GirlAverage

      13 years ago

      You are seriously killing me with all the one word comments. XD
      smiley12.gif

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      thirsty?

      very. xP

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      hells yea!!!

      they have another tough game tomorrow against Ottawa

    • FlawedLegacy

      13 years ago

      Hey... if you get a chance please Vote For Me... Rewards may be necessary smiley8.gifsmiley8.gif

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      toooooot tooooo

      (or how ever a ship sounds)

    • Brakus

      13 years ago

      *waves hand*

      you want them both

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      (I honestly didn't understand what you meant by that... u.u)

      you have an ethernet port, too? o.o

      I BLAME IT!! >.<

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      a short what? o.0

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      ohhhh okay! :o

      and ewww. >.<

      I'm not hungry enough to sink THAT low >.<

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      I have a fan... it's not cold enough!!

      and she won't let me sleep with it on b/c it's "too loud" -.-'

    • laeria

      13 years ago

      what is this "mickey ds"?

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